Discussion Forum

Shite heckles infuriate theatre entertainers

Surprise undressings reveal possibly reprehensible, improper sexual emotions.

Door opens outwards, revolving?

I used to use laxatives quite a bit. I don't think the wife believed me though because she keeps telling me I'm full of shit.

*Watches tumbleweed blow across my path*

I don't know why I bother.

According to my Martian informant, Mr Danton is on a tour of the universe. He reliably informs me that Mr Danton is spreading his unique brand of thoughtful and mature humour to the other planets. Lucky them!

Simon

A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad
His face turned red
As he swallowed the head
What a sorry little episode

I bet by the time the police were alerted the street value of the cannabis was significantly lower then when it was found. Or maybe I'm just a cynical sod!
Also, how does the Lorraine lady know what freshly picked cannabis smells like?

Simon

Dear Spoof,

Please inform Mr Biber that I would join him for a pint but I can't because I am still barred from every pub in the universe.

Arthur Lager
Dodgy Ken's off licence
Namibia

Dear Spoof,

I recently spent a long weekend in Ibiza having a well earned ecstasy fuelled rest. On my "trip" I encountered a rowdy bunch of ne'er do wells each sporting an "I Love Spoofs" t-shirt (at least I think it said "spoofs").
Their behaviour was outrageous.They were reciting obscene Limericks, urinating in other peoples pockets (I believe it's known as a "hot pocket"), and taunting some elderly coffin dodgers.
I confronted the group and asked them what they were doing. According to them, they were on an all expenses paid fact finding mission for this revered website. They claimed to be writers for said website.
I feel it is my duty as a moaning twat to inform you of your writers behaviour on our money.
I shall cancel my subsciption unless I receive a suitable explanation forthwith.

Yours peskily,
Mr B.Harvey
London E17

PS. Does anyone have any ecstasy they could lend me?

The is a young man from Hale
He's currently out on bail
His crimes were stealing
And a little drug dealing
I suspect he'll end up in jail

Is this what is meant by the term "poetic justice."
I would be grateful if our esteemed Poet Laureate could set the record straight on this one.

There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
I took her to bed
"What you doing?" she said
As I shot my load in her eye

Note the way I have incorporated speech within this work of literary genius.
If you wish to donate as a show of your delight, make all cheques payable to; Mr Gary Shampoo Esq.

The pleasure is all mine.

Dear Spoof,

May I say that I totally disagree with Andre Peter regarding this marvellous thread.
I find it to be thought provoking. I believe it is also morally and culturally important to the world of literature.
On the other hand I may be talking complete and utter bollocks. It wouldn't be the first time, so I'm told.

Trevor Dildo
56 Perineum Close
Budapest
Israel

I once had a neighbour called Hannah
A lady with a pleasant manner
She loved to screw
In the outside loo
And she diddles herself with a spanner.

Paul Theotherone
Toolbox Lane
Beirut

Greetings card scribbler? I've never been so offended. Mind you, I don't get out much.

Mr Clinton Card
Vajazzle Passage
Pratshire

I knew a young bloke called Russell
His life was all hustle and bustle
Then he met his pretty wife
Who now keeps him out of strife
By massaging his oversize love muscle

I fancied a girl called Teresa
Her favourite band was Weezer
She strung me along
And wouldn't fiddle with my schlong
She really was a prick teaser.

Funny that, I was thinking of Tom Stoppard as I scribbled it down.
Not in a gay way though.

I met a young lady called Lucy
Her thighs looked lovely and juicy
Up to her flat we did rock
Where she whipped out her cock
Turns out her real name was Brucie

I get a strange warm feeling inside when I write these. I can't decide if it represents pride or shame.

There was a young lady called Lizzie
She was considered by most to be dizzy
Her fella felt randy
So he had a hand shandy
And now her tits are all jizzy.

No need to applaud this poetry masterpiece.
My mother would be so proud if she read this.

There was an old slapper from Crewe
She stuck her flaps together with glue
To prise them apart
She tried to fanny fart
It went wrong now she's covered in poo.

I can only apologise for my gutter mouth (and brain, such as it is)

Dear Spoof,

In response to the scrotums/scrota question from Floribel Smibbett.
I believe the correct word is ballbags.

Yours wordily,

Mr Samuel Johnson LLD MA,
15 Dictionary Corner,
Countdown Moors

I tried my hand as a parrots interpreter. I gave it up because it was very repetative.

I was a professional skier for a few years. It was all downhill from there.
I was a snooker pro as well but I quit because I got bored of all the cueing.
I tried being a deep sea diver but quickly realised I was out of my depth.

I used to make 'Dead End' signs for the Highways agency. I quit because the career was going nowhere.

I used to be Paul Daniels' glamourous assistant but I quit when the job lost it's magic.
I used to make ladders for a living. It was a step up from all my other jobs.
I worked for the HMRC but I had to leave because it was just too taxing.
I had a job as a delivery man for a brewery. That was a barrel of laughs.
It was like having all your birthdays and Christmasses at once when I worked for Clinton cards.
I used to work on a telephone switchboard. I gave it up because it wasn't my true calling in life.
I once trained guide dogs for the blind. I quit because I couldn't see a future in it.

Please forgive all my awful puns!