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From General Discussion / David Icke Madman or Prophet?
Posted 14 May 12 03:42
He's from Leicester like wot I am.

Therefore he's a prophet.

Although he was only an average goalkeeper.

From General Discussion / I want to know......
Posted 12 May 12 01:35
I want to know......what is the meaning of life?

I've seen the Monty Python film and it provided me with no real answers. Although Mr Creosote amused me greatly.

Please help me before the men in white coats come to get me.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 10 May 12 22:59
Dear Spoof,

Re: B Wildered's questions.

I ask myself the same questions every week too. I find that drinking 8 bottles of vodka prior to Question Time makes it a much more pleasurable experience.

It leaves me in a semi-conscious state thus making me immune to all the lies the political swines tell us.

I do enjoy This Week though.

Michael Portaloo
Haemorrhage Drive
East Germany

From News Discussion / President Obama Orders Navy Seals To Kill Bin Laden, Again
Posted 9 May 12 11:42
With any luck they'll all resemble Anne Widdecombe.

Serve him bloody right if they do.

From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 8 May 12 21:06
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 8 May 12 20:39
From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 8 May 12 20:28
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 8 May 12 20:12
List? Individuals Shopping Tactics

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 8 May 12 18:11
Yalta, A Leo Tolstoy Attraction

From General Discussion / things my kid says
Posted 8 May 12 05:13
I was sitting at our breakfast table one morning when my daughter said to me, "Mummy said that you're not my real daddy."

Laugh? I nearly passed my fags around.

Kids eh! Who'd 'ave 'em? Well, apparently not me.

PS. This is a complete fabrication except that I do have a daughter.

The other posts are funny though.

From General Discussion / Epitaph
Posted 6 May 12 23:03
Mine will say.....

"I'm watching you."


"I never liked you."

From General Discussion / Let's Forget About Acronyms
Posted 6 May 12 01:50
I may very well walk backwards for Christmas.

From General Discussion / It's Cup Final Day! Huzzah! Huzzah!....No Honest. It is!!!
Posted 5 May 12 10:00
I don't know about you, but I miss the days of "Dishy" Des Lynam and Jimmy "The Twat with the chin" Hill.

Even though my beloved Leicester City haven't been in a final since 1969, I still used to wake up all excited on cup final day. I get more excited now on bin day.

I'll still watch it though. And dream of Des and Jimmy with John Motson's commentary running in the background.

I wonder who'll get to wear the lid of the cup as a hat this year.

Jumpers for goalposts. Etc.

Terry Venables has written an article? I suspect that may be a lie as I know for a fact that he can't write. I once asked him for his autograph outside the High court but he ignored my book and pen and gobbed right in my eye. What more proof do you need?!

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 5 May 12 09:35
Dear Spoof,

Maggot's DIY bank holiday weekend reminded me of an incident a few years ago.

I'd been out to Coffins-R-Us to get the missus a build-it-yerself death box, on the sly mind, didn't want the silly moo knowing cos it was going to be a surprise for her birthday. I was always nice to her like that.

Anyhow, A few days before the wretched woman's birthday I thought to meself, "Build it today, hide it in the shed." So I did.

So the day of her birthday arrived, (someday in June, or was it May? I never could remember.) and I went to get the stiffy storer from the shed. As I wheeled it into the house the missus was beside herself with excitement. As she unwrapped it her face dropped quicker than an Essex girls knickers. She screamed and bawled, "What the fuck do you call this? Are you having a pissing laugh?"

I thought I was being practical but you know what women are like.

She wouldn't let the coffin thing go. Eventually I devised a cunning plan to get her to shut her overworked gob, at least for half an hour or so, so I could have some bloody peace.

She had arrived back from Woolies in a surprisingly chipper mood after
somehow managing to get a refund on some partially digested Easter eggs. Since she was in a good mood I thought I'd bring up the coffin, I asked her if she wouldn't mind climbing inside it so I could check she fitted in it, if not I'd make the necessary alterations. She agreed. As she climbed in with her back turned, I grabbed the lid and screwed it down (the lid, not the wife.)

Ah, half an hours peace and quiet, I thought. I got so carried away with the lack of nagging I completely forgot she was in the coffin and went on a two day bender (he was called Karl.) When I got home and saw the coffin I panicked. How could I be so stupid? She was dead. I buried her in the garden next to the hamster, it's what she would've wanted.(To be buried next to the hamster, not to be dead. She definetely didn't want to be dead.)

We both have a good laugh about it now. Well, not so much her, but I tell the story to the kids every Christmas and we have a good chuckle about my forgetfulness.

Satan's bottom,
Just off the M69, near Coventry.

From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 16:52
As my wife left for work this morning I told her I loved her. She then turned to me and asked , "How come you only say nice things to me when I'm leaving?"
"Cos that's when I like you best." I replied.

From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 10:55
I bought some nails last week.

I think I might take 'em back to the shop 'cos they keep getting hammered.

From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 10:51
Some kid keeps tapping my windows

I told him, I said, "Look son (cos he's my boy), if you need money ask me. The windows are broke anyway."

From General Discussion / Alphabet Story
Posted 4 May 12 03:42

Alice Berated Charles' Dance, Endeavouring False Gesticulations Hampered

From General Discussion / Alphabet Story
Posted 4 May 12 01:03

From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 00:49
My phone rang tonight.

I've no idea what it wanted.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 3 May 12 22:33
Dear Spoof,

My staff have alerted me to the theft of Miss Abigail Sailaway's virginity. What the bloody hell they are doing on this website I've no idea. It makes a change from the usual porno sites I catch them on. Anyway, that's besides the point, I'll deal with the work shy ninnies later.

On to the matter in hand.

May I reassure her that I and my orificers will search high and low (and in the middle) for it until we locate it.

Searching for virginities is something of a hobby of mine as well. Although I seldom find any these days. I blame Ken Barlow myself.

I hope that we can find your virginity intact.

Chief Inspector Cherry
Clitheroe Police Station
Ribbed Valley

From General Discussion / Dear Spoff
Posted 3 May 12 21:21
Dear Splagagoogoo,

Give me back my knighthood please. I'm lonely without it.

Fred the Thread
Director of Operations
Royal Bank of Sperm (RBS)

From General Discussion / The Wise Men
Posted 3 May 12 18:14
I always thought the three wise men were; Ernie, Dennis and that fella Ray (off of 'Twin Peaks).

From News Discussion / Murdoch "Unfit To Run News Corp" Claim MPs
Posted 3 May 12 15:46
Ta very much.

Since I wrote it all my voicemails have been mysteriously disappearing. Very odd!


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 2 May 12 18:18
Dear Spoof,

Has anyone else noticed the uncanny resemblence between Arsene Wenger and one of the puppets off of the Wonga advert?
Maybe it is intentional given Prof Wengers surname.

Percy Van Robin

13 Pages - «« « 7 8 [9] 10 11 » »»
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