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From Magazine Discussion / A True Diary of Woe - Part Fifty-Seven
Posted 22 Jun 12 00:47
Message
5 all the way.

A triumphant return and no mistake.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 May 12 04:45
Message
Dear Spoof,

This week I have been mostly eatin' other people.

Dr H.Lector
Fava Bean Institute (FBI)
South America.

PS. Could someone send me some Chianti? Only I'm getting a bit low on stocks in the old cellar. Ta.

 
From General Discussion / People that Iron their underpants and socks
Posted 20 May 12 02:29
Message
Right.

I have been contributing here for only 3 months so I have felt unable to comment regarding all this arguing etc.

When I stumbled in off the street and found this website, if this had been the first thing I'd seen I would've turned on my heels and stumbled back onto the street. Anyone else who wanders in here looking for a place to submit their scribblings and sees this will probably think twice before doing so.

I'm sure there are some issues (I hate that term) between individuals. Surely it is better to resolve any problems privately rather than in the forums.

I realise that some of this has already been said by others.

Simon

PS. I like big wobbly boobies as well. They're ggggrrrreeeaat!



 
From General Discussion / Fishy Film, Song & Theatre Club
Posted 20 May 12 01:54
Message
James Pond films.

Goldfishfinger.
A View To A Krill.
Aquarium of Solace.

 
From General Discussion / Fishy Film, Song & Theatre Club
Posted 20 May 12 01:33
Message
A Fishful of Dollars.
Gudgeon Will Hunting.
Rainbowfish Man.
Schindlers Fish.
Catfish Woman.
Agent Coddy Banks.
Pikemon.
The A-Bream.
V for Venustus.
Shallow Halibut.

 
From General Discussion / David Icke Madman or Prophet?
Posted 14 May 12 03:42
Message
He's from Leicester like wot I am.

Therefore he's a prophet.

Although he was only an average goalkeeper.

 
From General Discussion / I want to know......
Posted 12 May 12 01:35
Message
I want to know......what is the meaning of life?

I've seen the Monty Python film and it provided me with no real answers. Although Mr Creosote amused me greatly.

Please help me before the men in white coats come to get me.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 10 May 12 22:59
Message
Dear Spoof,

Re: B Wildered's questions.

I ask myself the same questions every week too. I find that drinking 8 bottles of vodka prior to Question Time makes it a much more pleasurable experience.

It leaves me in a semi-conscious state thus making me immune to all the lies the political swines tell us.

I do enjoy This Week though.

Michael Portaloo
Haemorrhage Drive
Braintree
East Germany

 
From News Discussion / President Obama Orders Navy Seals To Kill Bin Laden, Again
Posted 9 May 12 11:42
Message
With any luck they'll all resemble Anne Widdecombe.

Serve him bloody right if they do.

 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 8 May 12 21:06
Message
 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 8 May 12 20:39
Message
 
From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 8 May 12 20:28
Message
 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 8 May 12 20:12
Message
List? Individuals Shopping Tactics

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 8 May 12 18:11
Message
Yalta, A Leo Tolstoy Attraction

 
From General Discussion / things my kid says
Posted 8 May 12 05:13
Message
I was sitting at our breakfast table one morning when my daughter said to me, "Mummy said that you're not my real daddy."

Laugh? I nearly passed my fags around.

Kids eh! Who'd 'ave 'em? Well, apparently not me.

PS. This is a complete fabrication except that I do have a daughter.

The other posts are funny though.

 
From General Discussion / Epitaph
Posted 6 May 12 23:03
Message
Mine will say.....

"I'm watching you."

or....

"I never liked you."

 
From General Discussion / Let's Forget About Acronyms
Posted 6 May 12 01:50
Message
I may very well walk backwards for Christmas.

 
From General Discussion / It's Cup Final Day! Huzzah! Huzzah!....No Honest. It is!!!
Posted 5 May 12 10:00
Message
I don't know about you, but I miss the days of "Dishy" Des Lynam and Jimmy "The Twat with the chin" Hill.

Even though my beloved Leicester City haven't been in a final since 1969, I still used to wake up all excited on cup final day. I get more excited now on bin day.

I'll still watch it though. And dream of Des and Jimmy with John Motson's commentary running in the background.

I wonder who'll get to wear the lid of the cup as a hat this year.

Jumpers for goalposts. Etc.

Terry Venables has written an article? I suspect that may be a lie as I know for a fact that he can't write. I once asked him for his autograph outside the High court but he ignored my book and pen and gobbed right in my eye. What more proof do you need?!

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 5 May 12 09:35
Message
Dear Spoof,

Maggot's DIY bank holiday weekend reminded me of an incident a few years ago.

I'd been out to Coffins-R-Us to get the missus a build-it-yerself death box, on the sly mind, didn't want the silly moo knowing cos it was going to be a surprise for her birthday. I was always nice to her like that.

Anyhow, A few days before the wretched woman's birthday I thought to meself, "Build it today, hide it in the shed." So I did.

So the day of her birthday arrived, (someday in June, or was it May? I never could remember.) and I went to get the stiffy storer from the shed. As I wheeled it into the house the missus was beside herself with excitement. As she unwrapped it her face dropped quicker than an Essex girls knickers. She screamed and bawled, "What the fuck do you call this? Are you having a pissing laugh?"

I thought I was being practical but you know what women are like.

She wouldn't let the coffin thing go. Eventually I devised a cunning plan to get her to shut her overworked gob, at least for half an hour or so, so I could have some bloody peace.

She had arrived back from Woolies in a surprisingly chipper mood after
somehow managing to get a refund on some partially digested Easter eggs. Since she was in a good mood I thought I'd bring up the coffin, I asked her if she wouldn't mind climbing inside it so I could check she fitted in it, if not I'd make the necessary alterations. She agreed. As she climbed in with her back turned, I grabbed the lid and screwed it down (the lid, not the wife.)

Ah, half an hours peace and quiet, I thought. I got so carried away with the lack of nagging I completely forgot she was in the coffin and went on a two day bender (he was called Karl.) When I got home and saw the coffin I panicked. How could I be so stupid? She was dead. I buried her in the garden next to the hamster, it's what she would've wanted.(To be buried next to the hamster, not to be dead. She definetely didn't want to be dead.)

We both have a good laugh about it now. Well, not so much her, but I tell the story to the kids every Christmas and we have a good chuckle about my forgetfulness.

F.West
Satan's bottom,
Hell,
Just off the M69, near Coventry.

 
From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 16:52
Message
As my wife left for work this morning I told her I loved her. She then turned to me and asked , "How come you only say nice things to me when I'm leaving?"
"Cos that's when I like you best." I replied.

 
From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 10:55
Message
I bought some nails last week.

I think I might take 'em back to the shop 'cos they keep getting hammered.

 
From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 10:51
Message
Some kid keeps tapping my windows

I told him, I said, "Look son (cos he's my boy), if you need money ask me. The windows are broke anyway."

 
From General Discussion / Alphabet Story
Posted 4 May 12 03:42
Message
Hampered

Alice Berated Charles' Dance, Endeavouring False Gesticulations Hampered

 
From General Discussion / Alphabet Story
Posted 4 May 12 01:03
Message
Dance

 
From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 00:49
Message
My phone rang tonight.

I've no idea what it wanted.

 
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