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From General Discussion / Edinburgh Festival
Posted 11 Jul 12 05:05
Message
Just wondering if anyone will be bothering their arses to go and see anyone/anything at the Edinburgh festival this year.

I was thinking of asking Inchy if he fancies coming up and doing a show based on his 'Diary of Woe/Senior Moments'. I genuinely reckon it would be a winner.

As a resident of Edinburgh I would happily offer my services as his manager, for a small fee of course, and try to get him a venue.

The only problem is, I have no idea what a manager really does. If memory serves I think it involves wearing a sheepskin coat while furiously chewing gum and making wild gesticulations with your arms that nobody understands.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 10 Jul 12 22:34
Message
Dear Spoof,

I would like to echo the words of A.Fan but I can't because I'm not a cave, or summat.

Why were you taken so young? It's a bloody travesty.

*sobs uncontrollably into an already heavily soiled cloth hankerchief*

Yours upsettedly,

Outraged of Edinborough.

 
From General Discussion / Gardening With Mr & Mrs CJ
Posted 10 Jul 12 22:15
Message
My mother gave me a spider plant (chlorophytum comosum) cutting when I left home some 15 years ago.

Over the years I have tried everything to stop the bloody things from multiplying but with no luck.

I've taken a flame thrower to them but only succeeded in burning down my house.

I didn't get on much better with a rocket launcher although I did get a very polite letter from Edinburgh council asking me to refrain from using such weapons in a built up area. I like getting letters.

Anyway, the bloody plants have taken over my home and life like a bunch of misbehaving, unwanted children.

Please help me!

 
From General Discussion / Knitting With Mr & Mrs CJ
Posted 10 Jul 12 22:04
Message
Dear Mr & Mrs CJ,

My missus enjoys a spot of darning. Am I allowed to use the word "darn?"

Sometimes I deliberately make holes in my socks just so she can have a bit of pleasure in her life.

I'm very considerate that way.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 9 Jul 12 18:32
Message
Dear Spoof,

With the London Olympics almost upon us I felt it necessary to write in and express my excitement at the impending disappointment our sportsmen and women will deliver to us.

Having witnessed the England football team fail at the Euro's and Andy Murray's blubfest following his defeat to that Swiss bloke at tennisball I feel it would be fitting for our Olympians to complete a hat-trick of sporting uselessness to make sure this is a memorable summer for all sports fans.

Jimmy Claptrap,
Seb Coe Tower,
Fartlepool.

 
From General Discussion / Bob Monkhouse on Desert Island Disc Revisited
Posted 7 Jul 12 00:45
Message
I'll try and catch it.

I will always remember one of his classic lines.....

"When I told people I was going to be a comedian they laughed at me. Well.......they're not laughing now."



 
From General Discussion / Eric Sykes RIP
Posted 7 Jul 12 00:38
Message
At the time of writing this Barry Cryer is very much alive.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 6 Jul 12 20:37
Message
Dear Spoof,

I have just been informed that certain things on your "website" require the editors seal of approval before they are published.

Now, I wouldn't want to question the editors methods but using a seal to approve stuff seems a little ridiculous to me.

I.M Thewalrus,
Coocoocatcho Cottage,
Grimsby,
Swaziland

 
From General Discussion / Eric Sykes RIP
Posted 5 Jul 12 09:46
Message
Very sad to hear about the passing of Eric Sykes.



 
From General Discussion / I'ts good news week!
Posted 4 Jul 12 01:48
Message
Good news for UK based fans of 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.'

No longer will we only get the global edition of the show.

As of July 23rd we will get the show every weeknight on the Comedy Central X channel.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 3 Jul 12 23:21
Message
Dear Spoof,

I used to know an onion. On the surface he was a lovely fella but once I peeled back the various layers of his personality I came to the conclusion that he was an awful sod.

I don't mind telling you, it made me cry like a little girl.

Tom Ato,
Titchmarsh Villas,
Isle of Shite.

PS. Anyone who wishes to complain about the extremely low quality of this post can contact me at the above address.


 
From General Discussion / Flaming
Posted 30 Jun 12 22:28
Message
How about a flaming forum and a decorum forum?

One for rudeness and insults.

The other one for politeness and compliments.

Simon.

 
From General Discussion / Flaming
Posted 30 Jun 12 20:39
Message
I see The Flaming Lips set a world record for playing the most live gigs in 24 hours in different cities.

Flamin' show offs.

That gives me an idea for a flaming good story.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Flaming
Posted 30 Jun 12 19:16
Message
I take it the Olympic flame won't be swinging by Spoof towers any time soon.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Flaming
Posted 30 Jun 12 12:08
Message
I can see both sides of the argument on this one. Some of the arguments in recent months appeared to get out of hand but I can't help feeling that locking threads and banning people is a little bit like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

As far as rules go, I've never been a fan of them. I appreciate we have to have some rules regarding spamming and other technical stuff I don't understand.

Do we need rules on how we talk to each other?

I would've hoped that we would speak to others in the same way we would expect to be spoken to.

Simon

 
From Magazine Discussion / Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age - from Bartholomew Utterswaithe Part 2
Posted 28 Jun 12 23:48
Message
Very enjoyable Part 1&2.

If you didn't laugh you'd cry!

I used to work for a guy whose left eye would twitch whenever the word "invoice" was mentioned.

Strangely enough he was from Nottingham. Him and his missus had two German shepherds (dogs, not blokes with sheep) called Kaiser and Rommel. Strange couple.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 28 Jun 12 19:25
Message
Dear Spoof,

Mr Jake Seaport is correct. I should pay more attention.

I would like it known that I did not intend to single out Gary Lineker.

He is my idol. We were both born in Leicester, in November. I attended the same junior school as Saint Gary and have spent many years attempting to stretch my ears in a vain attempt to emulate my hero. My mother also used to purchase fruit and veg off his family stall at Leicester market (which is still the largest outdoor market in Europe).

Nevertheless, I shall pay more attention in future.

Filbert the Fox,
The Den (not the Millwall one)
Leicester


 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 28 Jun 12 18:30
Message
Dear Spoof,

I just switched on the old goggle box to be greeted by Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer, Gianluca Vialli and Jurgen Klinsmann having a bit of a natter about football.

In my opinion, all of these guys were hopeless at doing football back in the old days.

I still remember that time Lineker tried to be a smartarse and chip a penalty into the onion bag against Brazil. I like his crisps though.

They should get that Marcel Desailly on the Beeb. He's a lovely fella.

Big Ron Atkinson,
Big Ron's Bar and Grill,
Bling-Upon-Wrist,
Senegal

 
From General Discussion / Man denies sex with family's bull mastiff
Posted 25 Jun 12 16:10
Message
I'd just like to say that the chap is not a relative of mine, as far as I know.

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Glasgow Rangers apply to the Welsh Premier League
Posted 24 Jun 12 17:53
Message
My best mate is a Rangers fan. He's one of the few who are fairly pragmatic when it comes to the shenanighans at Ibrox.

Another close friend is a Celtic fan, he is finding it all very amusing.

I have my own problems being a Leicester City fan.

Good stuff!

Simon.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 24 Jun 12 17:33
Message
Dear Spoof,

Could you please inform Mr Huntley of Broadmoor that I would be delighted to be his friend on FB.

Mrs R.West
HMP Low Newton,
Brasside,
Durham

 
From General Discussion / Everybody's watching the Germans hoping they lose!
Posted 22 Jun 12 20:25
Message
If Greece beat Germany I bet Angela Merkel will do a u-turn and kick Greece out of the Euro as punishment.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Everybody's watching the Germans hoping they lose!
Posted 22 Jun 12 19:56
Message
I used to live at 9 Miroslav Klose.

Just thought I'd mention it.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Hungry fat bastard, anyone?
Posted 22 Jun 12 01:38
Message
So the meal is known as a "heart attack on a plate."
The fella that ate it is now probably known as a "heart attack on a chair."

Also, why is the gentleman wearing a ladies top?

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 22 Jun 12 01:07
Message
Dear Spoof,

I would be ever so grateful an'all that if you would inform Jeffrey Archole of my interest in his tax scheme.

It all sounds very helpful and rather shady, which I like. Particularly the shady aspects of his splendid venture.

I have taken the liberty of including my name and address should he wish to contact me.

Many thanks.

Aychem Arsea,
35 Taxation Lane
Fraudly-Upon-Scam
Diddleshire

 
14 Pages - «« « 7 8 [9] 10 11 » »»
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