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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 1 Aug 12 22:59
Dear Spoof,

I was wandering around Edinburgh today as the festival starts to rev up and I noticed how..........Oh, you know, what's the point of writing this? No-one is reading it anyway.

L.A Zee-Sod,
Plunger International Hotel,
Inner Hebrides

From General Discussion / Spoof fringe Olym pics
Posted 1 Aug 12 22:51
Inchy wins Gold in the Coxless pairs in Woeing.


From General Discussion / Have aliens kidnapped Inchcock?
Posted 31 Jul 12 00:57
I hope he returns soon.

Incidently, I have just read a number jokes on here that are as old as the hills with a little bit extra cobbled on the end.

Nothing to do with Inchy though.



From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 29 Jul 12 01:43
Dear Spoof,

I am writing to complain on behalf of my client Mr Saunders.
It would appear that some sort of glitch has led to my client gaining points, whatever that is, for a so-called joke what he wrote. He has now developed a massively over inflated ego and believes he is the greatest joke writer ever, even better than Bobby Davro.

Now, as I represent this alleged writer it is my duty to ensure he doesn't get carried away and make a ninnie of himself. It would ruin his "career." Such as it is.

This will probably all blow over in a day or two when he produces some idiotically smut filled, illiterate bobbins as a story and causes an exodus of readers.

In the meantime it would be appreciated if some of your subscribers could let Mr Saunders down lightly. It would save me the hassle and I hate it when he cries. Plus, I can't be bothered.

Yours disinterestedly,
Terry Buladvice,
BS Management Agency
Crapflapple House,

From General Discussion / ".....and I said 'Yes.' I said, 'It's my Dork.'
Posted 17 Jul 12 23:34

I agree!

I must confess that the odd bit of innuendo and the occassional double entendre makes me giggle. I have used these in some of my stories. Generally speaking I try to avoid it. As you say, having a site full of knob and fanny gags doesn't reflect well on the contributors as a whole.

You'll get no argument from me on that one.

However, I did recently produce a story about a rather sordid hobby and realise that I may look a little bit like a hypocrite now.


From General Discussion / ".....and I said 'Yes.' I said, 'It's my Dork.'
Posted 17 Jul 12 17:57

I have to restrain myself from producing a catalogue of good old fashioned smutty innuendo.

Sometimes I slip and drop a couple of double entendres in. Oooeer, sounds a bit rude. 'Ow queer.....etc, etc.

Simon 'Carry On' Saunders.

From News Discussion / Bidney Sollocks vs Cockinch-Smalls battle for Commonwealth Spoofing Championship
Posted 17 Jul 12 17:50
Tremendous Inchy.

The picture you paint with words makes me feel quite envious. I could see it all happening in my tiny little mind.

I am quite tight with my thumbs but this one got a well deserved 5.

Simon 'Suckerpunch' Saunders.

PS. I hope there's a rematch once the bruising has gone down.

From General Discussion / ".....and I said 'Yes.' I said, 'It's my Dork.'
Posted 17 Jul 12 14:10
The opportunity for smutty innuedo is endless with this story.

The fella involved will be dining out on it for the rest of his life.

They put powder on his pants to check for explosives. Hahaha!

Priceless. Thanks QM.

From News Discussion / Local Umpires Drop Royal Clanger At Village Cricket Match
Posted 17 Jul 12 11:16
Pinxit, I stand corrected!

A fine cricket story and no mistake. Particularly enjoyed the 'New Yorkers' reference.

May your balls swing both ways from the pavillion end,

PS. I would've commented directly in the thread for the story but it's been locked.

From General Discussion / Where were you when the Spoof went out????
Posted 17 Jul 12 03:23
I was writing the greatest article ever when the site crashed. Unfortunately I hadn't made a copy of it. I lost it all when the site blew up. I am unable to recall any of the article.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it, even though it's a blatant lie.


From General Discussion / And we're back
Posted 16 Jul 12 20:26

I tinkled on some ivories once. I wont be going back to that piano shop any time soon.


From News Discussion / Local Umpires Drop Royal Clanger At Village Cricket Match
Posted 16 Jul 12 19:08
As a massive cricket fan and because I found this highly amusing I have sent a 5 thumbs in the post.

I am also immensely jealous as I have been trying to produce a cricket story since I arrived here in February. Damn and blast! I don't recall seeing any other cricket stories in my time here.

I shall re-double my efforts to produce a cricket related story. If I can manage something even half as good as this I shall be a happy batsmen/wicketkeeper.

May your googlies continue to tease the batsmens outside edge,

From General Discussion / And we're back
Posted 16 Jul 12 18:40
I'm glad we are back up and running. Although the break did give me a chance to trim my eyebrows. It was about time really as they were starting to drop over and cover my eyes.

Good work Mark. It must have been a stressful couple of days for you!


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 16 Jul 12 18:35
Dear Spoof,

I now understand why all these cyclists are on drugs. I was watching the 'Tour De France' as I had nothing better to do because this bleeding website had gone kaput when it came to me. They must all be so bored with their pointless peddling that they need something to keep them awake. I know I did. I've got through eight jars of Nescafe in the last two days.

Thank the sweet baby Jesus that this site is up and running again. Much more of the cycling and I would've had to top myself.

Yours wiredly,
Frances De La Tour De France,
Climbing the walls,

From General Discussion / Edinburgh Festival
Posted 12 Jul 12 01:19
Here is my idea. It may not be original.

Why doesn't the Spoof have it's own sketch show? It doesn't necessarily have to be performed at the Edinburgh festival.

Has it been done before?

With the amount of material on the site surely there is enough to create a sketch show.

It would require rather a substantial amount of time going through material to find stories that could be adapted into sketch form.

Obviously we would need people who are capable of doing the adaptations. Some of the original characters that appear in stories on here would suit the sketch format. With permission from individual writers of course.

Anyway, it is just an idea. It may be logistically difficult and would require loads of hard work.

Fellow writers opinions would be very welcome.

Perhaps I should start a thread in the writers discussion area so we can chew over the idea.


From General Discussion / Edinburgh Festival
Posted 11 Jul 12 22:51

The two main train stations are Haymarket and Waverley. It was probably Haymarket that you were staying near. Loads of flats round there. I shall be staying in Edinburgh during the festival although it can be a bit much with all the tourists overunning the place. Good for the economy I spose. I've lived in Edinburgh for close on 15 years and I've never met anyone called Jimmy, which is amazing when you consider it's in Scotland. Sounds like the flat letter was a purveyor of suspicious substances. There's a lot of that sort of thing up here. Not that I would know anything about it.


I'd never have the balls to get up on stage and attempt stand-up, sober or drunk! I once sang 'Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy' by Queen at a nightclub karaoke. I've never seen so many airborne bottles in my life.


I think Big Ron now runs a tanning salon in West Bromwich. I heard on the grapevine that she also regularly attends car boot sales in and around the West Midlands to flog all his bling. Svengali you say? Not sure about that one! I'm not keen on tax dodging, I prefer not paying any at all. As for the weather up here, well, summer has been a complete washout. At the last count it had rained every day for the last month, not too cold though.


I haven't even seen the programme yet. I mainly saw free shows last year on account of being stoney broke. Seen some good stuff over the years. There's a pub where lots of the comedians congregate a couple of days before their shows start. They're mostly friendly so long as you don't act like a giggling little girl! As for accommodation, depends on the dates and you being able to provide two good references. Just joking about the references, you'll need ten of them! As for directing, well I believe you have to grow a beard so you have something to stroke when you're thinking. A short fuse is handy as well.

I've had an idea which I shall divulge once I've scoffed my dinner.


From General Discussion / Edinburgh Festival
Posted 11 Jul 12 05:05
Just wondering if anyone will be bothering their arses to go and see anyone/anything at the Edinburgh festival this year.

I was thinking of asking Inchy if he fancies coming up and doing a show based on his 'Diary of Woe/Senior Moments'. I genuinely reckon it would be a winner.

As a resident of Edinburgh I would happily offer my services as his manager, for a small fee of course, and try to get him a venue.

The only problem is, I have no idea what a manager really does. If memory serves I think it involves wearing a sheepskin coat while furiously chewing gum and making wild gesticulations with your arms that nobody understands.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 10 Jul 12 22:34
Dear Spoof,

I would like to echo the words of A.Fan but I can't because I'm not a cave, or summat.

Why were you taken so young? It's a bloody travesty.

*sobs uncontrollably into an already heavily soiled cloth hankerchief*

Yours upsettedly,

Outraged of Edinborough.

From General Discussion / Gardening With Mr & Mrs CJ
Posted 10 Jul 12 22:15
My mother gave me a spider plant (chlorophytum comosum) cutting when I left home some 15 years ago.

Over the years I have tried everything to stop the bloody things from multiplying but with no luck.

I've taken a flame thrower to them but only succeeded in burning down my house.

I didn't get on much better with a rocket launcher although I did get a very polite letter from Edinburgh council asking me to refrain from using such weapons in a built up area. I like getting letters.

Anyway, the bloody plants have taken over my home and life like a bunch of misbehaving, unwanted children.

Please help me!

From General Discussion / Knitting With Mr & Mrs CJ
Posted 10 Jul 12 22:04
Dear Mr & Mrs CJ,

My missus enjoys a spot of darning. Am I allowed to use the word "darn?"

Sometimes I deliberately make holes in my socks just so she can have a bit of pleasure in her life.

I'm very considerate that way.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 9 Jul 12 18:32
Dear Spoof,

With the London Olympics almost upon us I felt it necessary to write in and express my excitement at the impending disappointment our sportsmen and women will deliver to us.

Having witnessed the England football team fail at the Euro's and Andy Murray's blubfest following his defeat to that Swiss bloke at tennisball I feel it would be fitting for our Olympians to complete a hat-trick of sporting uselessness to make sure this is a memorable summer for all sports fans.

Jimmy Claptrap,
Seb Coe Tower,

From General Discussion / Bob Monkhouse on Desert Island Disc Revisited
Posted 7 Jul 12 00:45
I'll try and catch it.

I will always remember one of his classic lines.....

"When I told people I was going to be a comedian they laughed at me. Well.......they're not laughing now."

From General Discussion / Eric Sykes RIP
Posted 7 Jul 12 00:38
At the time of writing this Barry Cryer is very much alive.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 6 Jul 12 20:37
Dear Spoof,

I have just been informed that certain things on your "website" require the editors seal of approval before they are published.

Now, I wouldn't want to question the editors methods but using a seal to approve stuff seems a little ridiculous to me.

I.M Thewalrus,
Coocoocatcho Cottage,

From General Discussion / Eric Sykes RIP
Posted 5 Jul 12 09:46
Very sad to hear about the passing of Eric Sykes.

14 Pages - «« « 7 8 [9] 10 11 » »»
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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