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From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 2 Oct 12 15:58
Message
HIGNFY,

I think you and Francois were both composing your responses at the same time.

Elected - Alice Cooper.

The link is very tenuous.

Cher was married to Sonny Bono. He was elected to the US House of Representatives in the 90's.

Told you it was tenuous!

 
From News Discussion / Taser Guns To Be Introduced In UK Primary Schools
Posted 2 Oct 12 13:35
Message

Quote: Clive Danton

Hehehe I'll put you in touch with my missus Ellie so you can exchange tales of juvenile terror

She actually showed the above tale to some of her teacher colleagues and instead of throwing up their hands in horror they nodded gravely and muttered "If only!" hehehe.

As for the story I thought it puerile, offensive, maggoty and indefensible on any level.

1!!


Clive,

I totally and utterly agree with your summary of this story.

Who wrote it? I'll just check.........Bollocks.

I've changed me mind. I thought it was great an' that.

Please don't hit me Clive.

*Cowers in corner of room in foetal position awaiting a verbal slogging and a dry slap*

5 Thimbles from me.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 Sep 12 23:56
Message
Dear Spoof,

I've just been watching the Ryder Cup and was delighted to see Europe's golfers rise like a Phoenix from the flames and defeat the USA, USA, USA.

However, if I ever hear anyone say "get in the hole" again (no laughing at the back) I will be forced to take drastic and violent action against the individual who utters those words.

Having said that I was thinking of shouting "get in the goal" next time I'm watching England play footy and "get in the court" next time Andy Murray does tennis just so I can sound as moronic as these golf fans.

I realise that your publication has nothing to do with golf but if you or your readers can do something about it I would be very grateful as it gets right on my tits.

Mr Gain
The 19th Hole,
Trollope Country Golf Course & Hotel,
Divvyshire.



 
From General Discussion / Ideas for 'Dragons Den'
Posted 30 Sep 12 15:53
Message

Quote: Patti Cake

Glad you like the idea Simon. I was a bit worried about the inflating bit but my other half reassures me that I have enough hot air and wind to cope with that side of it.....bless!

PS. Do you think Deborah and Hilary have ever had to wait for a 69?

Patti x


Patti,

I reckon Deborah and Hilary are probably chauffeur driven everywhere so they probably never have to get the bus.

*Wink*

Ellie,

I can see why you thought this was some sort of pervy bondage thread given the tone.

Unfortunately I'm not keen on bicycles ever since I fell off one as a 14 year old and broke my arm. I rely on tricycles these days. Much safer.

Also, are you telling me you don't have dragons in the US? I find that hard to believe. There's loads of the fire breathing swines over here.

*Insert mother-in-law/dragon joke here*

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Ideas for 'Dragons Den'
Posted 30 Sep 12 13:12
Message
Debbie,

Not sure the Dragons would invest in a device that would eliminate them!

On the other hand, get yerself in the Den, flash a bit of thigh to distract them, then obliterate the grumpy dragons before making off with all the piles of dosh they have on those little tables next to them. Excellent!

Patti,

Oooo eeer missus! Very naughty!

Like the inflatable bus stop idea. Many a time I've been stuck between two bus stops miles apart without the necessary motivation to keep walking. Inflate the portable bus stop and hey presto you can park your arse and comfortably wait for the bus wherever you are without getting wet (guffaw!).

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Is It Just Me Or Are Sunday Mornings A Bit Crap?
Posted 30 Sep 12 13:01
Message
Sunday mornings are crap.

I never get up before midday.

You see, I can't risk catching a glimpse of Andrew Marr's face on the telly when I'm feeling a bit ropey after a Saturday night drinkathon.

It'd be messy.

Simon

PS. I like HB's Sunday morning routine, Except for the mass thing.



 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 30 Sep 12 12:49
Message
Only The Lonely - Roy Orbison.

'The Big O' was a massive country fan and also recorded an album of Don Gibson songs 'cos he loved him so much.

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 29 Sep 12 22:52
Message
Living In The City - Ray Charles.

Originally done by Stevie Wonder. The were also both blind and pretty handy tinkling the old ivories.

Simon

 
From Magazine Discussion / Situations Vacant. Typical British Family Required
Posted 29 Sep 12 19:29
Message
Nice one Clive.

It's as if you've met my family.

I'll have to scrap the chapter in my upcoming autobiography all about my relatives as I may be accused of cutting and pasting it from this article.

Bugger.

5 Thumbles from me.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / What's your favourite type of toilet?
Posted 28 Sep 12 22:50
Message
Aaaah, some actual real life toilet humour!

I like the good old fashioned British bog. I know where I am with that.

I can't imagine using a hat. Well, unless it was an emergency

I've seen those crazy Japanese human waste receptacles. I couldn't work one of them. I struggle enough when I'm using me bloody phone.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 28 Sep 12 20:31
Message
Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me - George Michael & Sir Elton John.

The reason. I'm sure you can work that one out for yourselves.

Simon

PS. I'm not being homophobic. A very close relative of mine is gay and he refers to himself as being "a bit queer."

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 28 Sep 12 18:29
Message
It Takes Two - Marvin Gaye & Kim Weston (Not the Rod Stewart/Tina Turner version!)

Marvin Gaye co-wrote Dancing In The Street with a guy called Mikey Stevenson who also produced both songs.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 28 Sep 12 13:55
Message
Queen - We Are The Champions.

The Sex Pistols song, God Save The Queen, was released in the same year, 1977.

Both songs reached number two in the UK charts although most people think they were number ones.

They're also linked by the word Queen. Obviously!

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Ideas for 'Dragons Den'
Posted 26 Sep 12 17:06
Message
Hello you lucky, sexy individuals.

I am an avid watcher of the BBC 2 show 'Dragons Den'. This has encouraged me to attempt to come up with an idea that would make the "Dragons" part with their hard earned wads of moola. Sadly I have failed completely to come up with a sensible, get-rich-quick scheme and I continue to live the life of a pauper in my squalid Edinburgh flat (I haven't vacuumed for 2 months.)

Anyway.

If you were to go on the show what would your idea be?

To get the ball rolling, here's my idea.

An automated tagging device for stories on spoof/satire/parody websites. I would call it the 'Tag-O-Matic 3000'. Not a funny idea but there you go.

I can imagine the response from the "Dragons."

*Imitates Duncan Bannatyne's dulcett tones*

"Aal tell ye where I aam. Aaam oot."

I'm sure you guys and gals can come up with some ingenius ideas that will be infinitely more amusing than my idea.

Simon

*Please note that all ideas expressed on this thread instantly become the intellectual property of Mr. S.Saunders Esq.

 
From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 24 Sep 12 23:16
Message
Here's something a bit different. Ennio Morricones classic......

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Or alternatively I like to call it....The Gary Lineker, The John Terry and the Carlos Tevez. Mind you, the song has nothing to do with football.

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Man Threatens Dog With Kebab
Posted 24 Sep 12 22:19
Message
Thanks Skoob.

I got the idea from a story in Perth about a man who's up in court because he was causing "fear and alarm" by being aggressive with a black pudding.

I notice that someone corrected a deliberate spelling mistake I made. The dog wanted compenalsation. Someone removed the "al."

Oh well.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / That Clivey Danton - strictly entre-nous… know what I mean?
Posted 18 Sep 12 14:28
Message

Quote: IainB

Nice* to see you, Ellis.

I've got to say, it wasn't me. It was all that Clive fellow. I'm easily led.

Debbie

*Do you see what I did there? I used a French town to start my post. Witty literary genius; that's me.


I was going to ask if Ellis had been to Nancy just to ingratiate myself with that Clive fella. He's very influential y'know. I think he secretly fancies Ellis as well.

Simon

PS. As you can see, there is no witty literary genius in my post. As per usual.

 
From General Discussion / Great!.......SUPER!
Posted 17 Sep 12 19:35
Message

Quote: Clive Danton


Quote: Simon Saunders

I'd like to be Super Gran. Remember her? She had a flying bike and a magic ray machine y'know.

I know she's not a Marvel/DC creation but I loved her.

Simon


I worry about you sometimes Si, I really do old son. Tsk.


Funny you say that Clive, but my doctor often makes the same comment.

To be honest I was going to say Bananaman but I went off him because me old man used to deliver his mail and every morning me dad would slip on a recklessly discarded banana skin outside his house while going about his business. Did his back right in. Poor sod.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Great!.......SUPER!
Posted 17 Sep 12 19:08
Message
I'd like to be Super Gran. Remember her? She had a flying bike and a magic ray machine y'know.

I know she's not a Marvel/DC creation but I loved her.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 17 Sep 12 16:56
Message
Dear Spoof,

In response to Mr Danton's letter.

I just watched the same report and find it impossible to understand how human life has such little value to the barbaric rulers of Syria. Will they stop at nothing to ensure they continue to retain power? It looks that way. It's disgusting beyond belief.

Well said Clive.

Simon,
Edinburgh.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 17 Sep 12 05:36
Message
Dear Spoof,

Now then, listen here you bunch of rascals.

Far be it from me to complain about the so-called "articles" here, but I feel I must complain in the strongest possible terms about the plethora, yes that's right, plethora, of Kate Middleton stories currently on this site. It's an absolute outrage. Perhaps you should have a seperate section for stories about the Duchess' chesticles to satisfy the sweaty palmed, juvenile fudknuckles who wish to rummage in their pants while reading. Personally I employ a man to do that for me. He's called Carstairs and he has a very light touch don'tcha know.

I am not a prude in any way, I even took a bath in the nude once, and I do like to keep abreast of the royal shenanighans but all this talk of boobs, tits, jugs, jubblies, funbags, chest bollocks, knockers, bosoms and mammories is way below the standard I have become accustomed to since I started viewing this site nine minutes ago.

If I wanted to read about tits I'd buy the latest installment of Wayne Rooneys autobiography. Apparently it covers every minute of his life so far. It should be riveting.

I'm off to play with me corgi's, and no, that isn't a euphamism. You filthy, rotten, royal titties obsessed collection of ne'er do wells.

This would never have happened to the Princess of Arses. Diana most certainly never got her norks out in public. She saved that sort of thing for the Hewitt fella. Posh tosser.

Yours irrately,
Charles Saxe-Coburg,
Kaiser Willems Wine Cellar,
Bolton,
Germany.

PS. I have forwarded a copy of this letter to the magazine that published the tits out photos. If it wasn't bad enough that the French murdered Princess Diana with a faulty tunnel they now print these pics in a grubby little magazine. Bastards.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 15 Sep 12 17:10
Message
Dear Spoof,

Mr Becket's trouble with cheeky little bastards is an issue I am familiar with.

Only yesterday a couple of young scamps down my street took it upon themselves to destroy a computer chair that had been left out for the cuntcil to collect.

Retaliation was required for this wanton act of destruction.

Conveniently, I had an armchair that I was planning on getting rid of. Prior to sticking it outside I fitted a couple of super strength springs inside the chair in anticipation that the little pricks would attempt to use it as a trampoline.

I was right, they did use it as a trampoline. As they were bouncing up and down on it having a merry old time the super strength springs I fitted ripped through the lining and sliced off their arms just as I planned.

As the two scrotes were being loaded onto an ambulance me and the cops had a right good laugh about it.

Aaaah, happy days.

Neil Nutter,
Catapult Avenue,
Edinburgh,
Glasgow.

 
From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 14 Sep 12 23:25
Message
Here's a little gem I saw one night on Channel 4. He's the son of Richard Digance but don't hold that against him! His name is Nick Helm. A rising star.

Overly aggressive club singer


 
From General Discussion / Islamic Fundamentalist Launch Murderous Attacks In Protests Against Offensive US Film
Posted 14 Sep 12 19:44
Message
Sounds like the title of Borats next film.

 
From General Discussion / Hillsborough
Posted 14 Sep 12 19:41
Message
RG,

It would be fair to say that Pleat is not fondly remembered in Leicester. Mainly because he failed to live up to his managerial reputation but also because he hogged all the prozzies in the City during his ill-fated reign.

Greedy bugger.


 
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