Discussion Forum

Clive,

There was a time when City fans used to chant "Pleatout!"

As a young whipper-snapper at the time I became convinced that was his name until me old man explained that they were chanting "Pleat Out!"

Oh, the innocence/stupidity of youth.

*holds hand in front of face to cover embarrassment and leaps through nearest window*

Simon

Clive,

It was one of the few occassions that season when our back four resisted the temptation to do a passable 'Buck's Fizz' impersonation and actually did what a back four should do, keep a clean sheet.

Chelsea were top of the second division and heading back to the big time. City were mid-table, as usual.

We were left with infamous curb crawler David 'Why use 3 words when 82 will do?' Pleat in charge, while Chelsea re-established themselves in the top flight and became richer than Richie Rich the extremely rich bastard.

Not that I'm bitter!

Anyway, I suspect the main reason I remember it was because while I was enjoying myself at a match, up the road in Sheffield, well we all know what was happening there. One of those "where were you moments."

My God, I do waffle on sometimes.

Simon

I remember being at Filbert Street having watched Leicester beat Chelsea in the old Div Two. Yes, that's right, Chelsea in division two. Try explaining that one to the kids.

I was just 10 but was shocked when I saw the news on arriving home.

Unfortunately, back then football fans were regarded as a bunch of violent thugs intent on having a punch up at any given opportunity. Fans were treated on a par with cattle, rounded up and shoved into pens for 90 minutes before being rounded up again and shoved into waiting trains. The cops we not prepared to deal with Hillsborough, some perhaps didn't care because they were "only" football fans suffering and dying.

The whole tragedy will stay with me for the rest of my life. God only knows what it's like for those who witnessed the events first hand and those who lost loved ones. My heart goes out to them.

As for those who are responsible, well, I hope there is sufficient evidence to prosecute the bastards who falsified statements to cover their own cowardly backs.

RIP The 96.

Simon

Right up my street this one!

Can You Find It In Your Arse? - Tony Bennett
Change Of Arse - Cyndi Lauper
Don't Break The Arse That Loves You - Connie Francis
The Door Is Still Open To My Arse - Dean Martin
Fortress Around Your Arse - Sting
Give Me Your Arse Tonight - Shakin Stevens
Hand On Your Arse - Kylie Minogue
Arse Like A Wheel - Steve Miller Band
Arse Of A Teenage Girl - Craig Douglas
Bless Your Arse - Isley Brothers
Arse Of Glass - Blondie
Arse On My Sleeve - Olly Murs
Arseache - Roy Orbison
Arsebeat - Nick Berry
Arses In Trouble - Chicago
I Lost My Arse To A Starship Trooper - Sarah Brightman
Let The Arseaches Begin - Long John Baldry
My Arse Belongs To Me - Barbra Streisand
One Broken Arse For Sale - Elvis Presley
Only Love Can Break Your Arse - Neil Young
Open Your Arse - Madonna
Room In My Arse - Living In A Box
Try Sleeping With A Broken Arse - Alicia Keys
Burning Arse - Survivor
Give Your Arse A Break - Demi Lovato

I am laughing just typing these. Some other crackers on here.
Was there a Queen album called 'Sheer Arse Attack'?

Simon

Dear Spoof,

In response to Mr Molehusbands letter. I am afraid he doesn't win a cash prize. It's not all doom and gloom though as he does win a lifetimes supply of 'Baboon's Arse' flavoured crisps.

Congratulations!

To claim your prize send me a cheque for twenty grand and I'll do the rest.

Fred Potato,
The Stupid Crisp Company.

Dear Spoof,

I wholeheartedly support Mr Watts (Oh No's!) comment.

May I extend my gratitude to him for his wonderful return to The Spoof.

Jim the Looney,
Drenched in cider,
A park bench,
Twatshire.

Dear Spoof,

Buffalo Bill Gates' letter reminded me of the time I made a complete arse of myself in me local Weatherseal showroom.

Much to my embarrassment it turns out they don't stock any Microsoft Windows.

Oh dear.

Ben D. Bus
Grapplehorn Terrace,
Isle of Bogs.

The prostitutes round my way aren't struggling at all.

In fact, I noticed a couple of them sporting brand new cold sores just the other day.

Beauties they are as well, must've cost the tarts a small fortune.

Simon

Lying, cheating, philandering, selfishness, alcoholic tendencies, a hugely over inflated ego, general indifference to others feelings, a vehement hatred of all things pink and terrible personal hygiene.

These were all listed on my ex-wifes divorce papers.

I wouldn't mind, but she forgot one thing.....A newly found cynicism regarding relationships with women of the opposite sex.

Sadly ladies, I am taken. Hard to believe I know.

Simon

I bring my biggest rucksack.

Fill it with as much booze as I can then make my excuses and leave.

I don't like parties but I love free booze.

Simon

Personally I think Graeme Pollock was a tremendous batsmen.

To be honest, I don't much care for hockey.

Simondore Dali.

Loved 'Nighty Night'. Sky +'d 'Hunderby'. Not watched it yet.

Cheers for the linkage.

Simon

Made me chuckle.

"Did you see news at ten? Pakistan was mentioned ten times. Twice for positive reasons."

I may of mangled that line slightly.

Simon

Totally agree Skoob. Funnily enough Airplane was on straight after the second part. Remember 'Police Squad' also with Leslie Nielsen. Reminded me of that. Still can't believe they only made one series of it.

A Touch of Cloth is going to be a trilogy. Can't wait for the next one.

Simon

It was very silly. Right up my street!

I thought it would be a hot topic on here what with it being a spoof.

Part two is on tomorrow night.

Simon

Anyone else watch it?

Simon

Dear Spoof,

You wont believe what I've just done. I was just putting some cutlery away and noticed I had put the forks where the knives are supposed to be and vice-versa.

I think I'm going mad.

Does anyone else have any crazy anecdotes? They dont have to be kitchen utensil related antics although I'm sure you'll agree that mine was a zinger.

Maurice Sad-Twat,
Clibby Crescent,
Leicester,
Iran

What a good cause.

Sadly I am impoverished. However, I have been planning a major fraud recently so if it comes off I'll gladly bung Leno a few quid. I really feel for him.

It must cost a fortune to feed that chin of his and run all those bloody cars he's got.

So sad.

Dear Spoof,

Sadly my hamster passed away before I could let him know the rain drop death answer. Ironically, my hamster appears to have drowned in his little water bowl. Still, he'd probably of snuffed it soon anyway.

RIP Sweeney the Hamster.

Yours,
Terry Vision

Dear Spoof,

I am in a right mood.

I was just having an argument with my hamster about how big a rain drop would have to be to kill a person to death. I reckon a rain drop the size of a Seat Ibiza would do the job but the stupid hamster says a drop the size of Vanessa Feltz would suffice.

Could anyone settle this argument for me and the hamster. He is particularly keen to conclude our disagreement as he is already 3 years old and will probably die soon.

Thanks,
Terry Vision,
Twonk Place,
Kevin Pieterson Estate
Egoland (Near Legoland)

I hear they are confident of winning the 200m Freestyle Drowning in Rio.

Dear Spoof,

I was wandering around Edinburgh today as the festival starts to rev up and I noticed how..........Oh, you know, what's the point of writing this? No-one is reading it anyway.

L.A Zee-Sod,
Plunger International Hotel,
Edinburgh,
Inner Hebrides

Inchy wins Gold in the Coxless pairs in Woeing.

Simon

I hope he returns soon.

Incidently, I have just read a number jokes on here that are as old as the hills with a little bit extra cobbled on the end.

Nothing to do with Inchy though.

Hmmmm.

Simon

Dear Spoof,

I am writing to complain on behalf of my client Mr Saunders.
It would appear that some sort of glitch has led to my client gaining points, whatever that is, for a so-called joke what he wrote. He has now developed a massively over inflated ego and believes he is the greatest joke writer ever, even better than Bobby Davro.

Now, as I represent this alleged writer it is my duty to ensure he doesn't get carried away and make a ninnie of himself. It would ruin his "career." Such as it is.

This will probably all blow over in a day or two when he produces some idiotically smut filled, illiterate bobbins as a story and causes an exodus of readers.

In the meantime it would be appreciated if some of your subscribers could let Mr Saunders down lightly. It would save me the hassle and I hate it when he cries. Plus, I can't be bothered.

Yours disinterestedly,
Terry Buladvice,
BS Management Agency
Crapflapple House,
Dump,
Midlothian.