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From General Discussion / Let's Talk About Sex
Posted 21 Oct 12 22:12
Message
Skoob,

I've never been the recipient of a hand shandy at a bus stop.

Mind you, many a time I've found myself bored stiff waiting at a bus stop.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Let's Talk About Sex
Posted 20 Oct 12 22:15
Message
I would've posted a comment on this thread much sooner but I was busy having a good hard think about Britney Spears.

As for sex, well, I can take it or leave it.

I'd rather leave it than take it though. Ahem.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Jaggedone's Book is on the shelves!
Posted 19 Oct 12 22:30
Message
To get a book published is a monumental achievement.

Congratulations to Jaggedone.

Two questions. What's it called and where can I get it from?

Simon

 
From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 19 Oct 12 17:49
Message
R'Dog,

I don't mind really.

I knew that Clive fella would be behind it. I've been allowed into the gang. My plan is to bring it down from within, but, shhh, don't tell anyone.

Simon

 
From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 19 Oct 12 17:34
Message
As per usual I had the idea while lying in bed trying to get to sleep. It always seems to be the time that I have ideas.

I s'pose it's a partial parody of the Savile story with a few adjustments.

The Chin Society was actually a creation of mine when I was about 11 years old as a homage to Jimmy Hill and Brucie. Really, I am a fan of Brucie despite my attempts to slur his good name.

Patti,

Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Tommy,

I must admit I did have a chuckle to myself.

Conan,

Thanks for continuing to call me "Simple" and for the 6 star comment.

Clive,

Haha. I've never been called a "Leicester Tiger" before. Except for the time I mauled an old biddy on a visit to the Chinese state circus. Oh, happy days.

Thanks guys. Must appreciated.

Simple, bugger it, I mean Simon.

 
From Magazine Discussion / Local Man Describes Meeting With Funeral Director
Posted 12 Oct 12 04:04
Message
I know this may sound cliched, but I found this poignant and quite moving.

Am I going soft in me old age?

All the best Skoob.

5 thumberoonies from me.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Woman receives €11,721,000,000,000,000 phone bill
Posted 12 Oct 12 03:55
Message
And to think I complain when I'm charged 4 sheets for a pint.

Ho hum.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Apathy
Posted 11 Oct 12 21:41
Message
A pathy? Is that like a roady?

God that's terrible. I can only apologise.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Jimmy Savile
Posted 6 Oct 12 15:51
Message
Skoob,

If there was a culture of abuse at the Beeb it is hardly surprising that the abusers protected each other. It seems that that is the way child abusers operate. Hearing Saviles comments about Gary Glitter is a case in point.

It seems that many at the Beeb heard constant rumours but didn't have the balls to do something about it.

I heard Janet Street-Porter on Question Time say that she had heard the rumours but didn't tell anyone higher up about it because she claims they wouldn't have believed her.

For me, that's no excuse. As a grown woman she had a responsibility to speak at the time. She also said she was abused as a six year old and when she told her mum she got a slap. You'd have thought that given what happened to her she would've known how difficult it is for children who are abused to come forward and would've done something.

Same goes for others at the Beeb who knew.

The whole thing is disgusting and a seems a little bit similar to the Catholic church scandal bit on a smaller scale.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 6 Oct 12 03:22
Message
Dear Spoof,

I've just been watching the BBC News show 'Newswatch.'

One of the guests on the show was a viewer who'd written in about the BBC's role in the Sir Jimmy Savile sexual abuse scandal.

While the scandal is obviously disgusting the mans name made me laugh.

Terry Berry.

You'd have thought his parents would've avoided calling him Terence.

I'll bet they probably gave him Jeremy as a middle name as well.

Arnold Drone,
Pakistan,
Chesterfield.

 
From News Discussion / 'Evil' Bert goes after Romney
Posted 5 Oct 12 16:26
Message
Enjoyed this article very much. Had me laughing. Poor old Bert! 5 thumbalinas from me.

I too watched the debate and have followed US politics since the days of Slick Willy. (Not old enough to be interested before then!)

Totally agree about Mitt Romney appearing a bit distant from the general public.

I would also agree that he is better equipped to sort out the fiscal problems having been in business for a quarter of a century.

My may concern about Romney is where would he take US foreign policy. You may not agree with Obamas efforts so far but I don't think he's been any worse regarding foreign policy than Bush the second was, he's just taken a different approach which has not been that effective either.

If I were an American, I would find it difficult to vote for either of them.

Also Mitt Romney is an anagram of Trim Money (sort of!)

 
From General Discussion / Why do we get ill?
Posted 5 Oct 12 16:12
Message
Mark,

I would prescribe two bottles of whisky and 40 Rothmans to be taken liberally followed by a donor kebab with everything on it.

It always helps me to sleep, although you do end up feeling like a mouldy old carpet the next day.

I hope this helps.

Dr Simon.

PS. Seriously though, hope you get well soon!

 
From General Discussion / The Chippy thread
Posted 3 Oct 12 23:59
Message
There's a chippy in Edinburgh called "The Codfather."

 
From News Discussion / Taser Guns To Be Introduced In UK Primary Schools
Posted 2 Oct 12 17:54
Message
All this talk of unruly schoolkids reminds me of an incident during my time at secondary school.

During a science class, the teacher, Miss Woodcock, (or Miss Timberdick as we called her behind her back) was demonstrating an experiment. A couple of me classmates, me not included, honest, interferred with said experiment.

Miss Woodcock was not impressed, she bellowed, "It's MY experiment!" before fleeing the classroom in a flood of tears.

Oh how we laughed.

She subsequently went on leave with a "stress related illness" and it also transpired that her husband had run off with some bird he'd impregnated on the side at around the same time.

Somehow it wasn't so funny after we found out about that.

Poor woman. She never did return to school.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Getting Right To The Arse Of The Matter.
Posted 2 Oct 12 16:59
Message
Bleeding Arse - Jimi Hendrix.

Just seen it on the telly box.

 
From General Discussion / The Hippy thread
Posted 2 Oct 12 16:12
Message
Unfavourable Hippy Song

This is amusing.

I would also like to point out that I do not support this songs message.

Love and peace,
Psychedelic Simon The Love Trumpet.

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 2 Oct 12 15:58
Message
HIGNFY,

I think you and Francois were both composing your responses at the same time.

Elected - Alice Cooper.

The link is very tenuous.

Cher was married to Sonny Bono. He was elected to the US House of Representatives in the 90's.

Told you it was tenuous!

 
From News Discussion / Taser Guns To Be Introduced In UK Primary Schools
Posted 2 Oct 12 13:35
Message

Quote: Clive Danton

Hehehe I'll put you in touch with my missus Ellie so you can exchange tales of juvenile terror

She actually showed the above tale to some of her teacher colleagues and instead of throwing up their hands in horror they nodded gravely and muttered "If only!" hehehe.

As for the story I thought it puerile, offensive, maggoty and indefensible on any level.

1!!


Clive,

I totally and utterly agree with your summary of this story.

Who wrote it? I'll just check.........Bollocks.

I've changed me mind. I thought it was great an' that.

Please don't hit me Clive.

*Cowers in corner of room in foetal position awaiting a verbal slogging and a dry slap*

5 Thimbles from me.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 Sep 12 23:56
Message
Dear Spoof,

I've just been watching the Ryder Cup and was delighted to see Europe's golfers rise like a Phoenix from the flames and defeat the USA, USA, USA.

However, if I ever hear anyone say "get in the hole" again (no laughing at the back) I will be forced to take drastic and violent action against the individual who utters those words.

Having said that I was thinking of shouting "get in the goal" next time I'm watching England play footy and "get in the court" next time Andy Murray does tennis just so I can sound as moronic as these golf fans.

I realise that your publication has nothing to do with golf but if you or your readers can do something about it I would be very grateful as it gets right on my tits.

Mr Gain
The 19th Hole,
Trollope Country Golf Course & Hotel,
Divvyshire.



 
From General Discussion / Ideas for 'Dragons Den'
Posted 30 Sep 12 15:53
Message

Quote: Patti Cake

Glad you like the idea Simon. I was a bit worried about the inflating bit but my other half reassures me that I have enough hot air and wind to cope with that side of it.....bless!

PS. Do you think Deborah and Hilary have ever had to wait for a 69?

Patti x


Patti,

I reckon Deborah and Hilary are probably chauffeur driven everywhere so they probably never have to get the bus.

*Wink*

Ellie,

I can see why you thought this was some sort of pervy bondage thread given the tone.

Unfortunately I'm not keen on bicycles ever since I fell off one as a 14 year old and broke my arm. I rely on tricycles these days. Much safer.

Also, are you telling me you don't have dragons in the US? I find that hard to believe. There's loads of the fire breathing swines over here.

*Insert mother-in-law/dragon joke here*

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Ideas for 'Dragons Den'
Posted 30 Sep 12 13:12
Message
Debbie,

Not sure the Dragons would invest in a device that would eliminate them!

On the other hand, get yerself in the Den, flash a bit of thigh to distract them, then obliterate the grumpy dragons before making off with all the piles of dosh they have on those little tables next to them. Excellent!

Patti,

Oooo eeer missus! Very naughty!

Like the inflatable bus stop idea. Many a time I've been stuck between two bus stops miles apart without the necessary motivation to keep walking. Inflate the portable bus stop and hey presto you can park your arse and comfortably wait for the bus wherever you are without getting wet (guffaw!).

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Is It Just Me Or Are Sunday Mornings A Bit Crap?
Posted 30 Sep 12 13:01
Message
Sunday mornings are crap.

I never get up before midday.

You see, I can't risk catching a glimpse of Andrew Marr's face on the telly when I'm feeling a bit ropey after a Saturday night drinkathon.

It'd be messy.

Simon

PS. I like HB's Sunday morning routine, Except for the mass thing.



 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 30 Sep 12 12:49
Message
Only The Lonely - Roy Orbison.

'The Big O' was a massive country fan and also recorded an album of Don Gibson songs 'cos he loved him so much.

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 29 Sep 12 22:52
Message
Living In The City - Ray Charles.

Originally done by Stevie Wonder. The were also both blind and pretty handy tinkling the old ivories.

Simon

 
From Magazine Discussion / Situations Vacant. Typical British Family Required
Posted 29 Sep 12 19:29
Message
Nice one Clive.

It's as if you've met my family.

I'll have to scrap the chapter in my upcoming autobiography all about my relatives as I may be accused of cutting and pasting it from this article.

Bugger.

5 Thumbles from me.

Simon

 
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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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