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From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 16 Nov 12 21:59
Got a one thumb rating for this story yesterday.

Ho hum.


From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 16 Nov 12 21:33
I was gonna make a cheap joke about beef curtains but I can't think of one.

I like bovril though. Reminds me of going to the footy when I was a kid. That and being gobbed on by Forest fans.

Oh deary me.


From News Discussion / Palin and Trump visit Harlem School get history lesson
Posted 10 Nov 12 19:55
I enjoyed it Frankie.

The problem with Palin is that she seems to have her own way of constructing sentences often making little or no sense to most English speaking people. I would say that it makes it difficult to write as if you were her. I suppose you have to get inside her head, a scary thought! God knows what you'd find in there. Possibly some tumbleweed and an abandoned labrador pissing on said tumbleweed.

Anyway, I see no problems here. I certainly couldn't do any better.

Children cussing is a tricky one. I'm not quite sure how to approach that one.



From General Discussion / Gissa Job.....
Posted 10 Nov 12 16:25
Another good one Clive. Had a right laugh.

Particularly liked his response to the simple request "sign here."

Cheers Clive.

From News Discussion / Aides say Romney camp prepping 2016 run as "severely liberal" Democrat
Posted 10 Nov 12 00:35
Liked this one. "Plan D." Haha!

I believe it's the writers first sub as well.

5 Thumbs from moi.


From General Discussion / Remembrance Slurps
Posted 9 Nov 12 21:33

My birthday is of no consequence really, it was just a cheap way to get birthday wishes.

I hope it didn't seem like I was being flippant regarding Remembrance/Veterans Day. That wasn't my intention.


From General Discussion / Remembrance Slurps
Posted 9 Nov 12 21:05
Remembrance Day is always a solemn day for me cuz it's my birthday as well.

Me grandad was a desert rat during the second world war. He wasn't in the army, he just used to wander through the desert dressed as a rat.

Seriously though. Truly a day to remember those who have given their lives to protect our freedom.


From General Discussion / That's It I Quit!......
Posted 9 Nov 12 17:07
I bet they had a collection once he'd left. Not for him though for themselves so they could hire someone to find the fella and give him a good beating.

Funny though. Good for him.


From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 8 Nov 12 18:48
I'd like to second Frankie's suggestion of giving Donald Trump a good hard slap.

The sort of knob-choppery that he spouts is highly amusing.

I subbed a piss take of his twitter rant. If anyone deserves to be mocked, it's Trump.

I'd also like to add Sean Hannity to the list.

From General Discussion / A poll that really matters in today's world!
Posted 6 Nov 12 19:34
I voted "no we know they're bald."

I used to work with an American fella who wore the worst bonce carpet I've ever seen. It looked like it was made of nylon. It didn't fit his head and was a different colour from the real hair he had left. Surely if you wear a wig it shouldn't be obvious. Mind you, I can spot one from a hundred paces.

If you're bald, or heading (pun intended) that way, do it gracefully.

Comb-overs and syrups are unacceptable. Shave the sides and polish the top with some Mr.Sheen.


From News Discussion / The Incredible Hulk Opens Expanding Trousers Shop In Dorking
Posted 5 Nov 12 19:20
Can I just say that when I had finished reading this entralling piece I took out my hammer, smashed up my computer and threw it on a nearby bonfire before announcing my immediate retirement from spoofing.

I will now be living off my spoof pension of one groat a week and it's all your bloody fault Clive.

A deserved -12 thumbs from me Danton, you cad.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 4 Nov 12 21:31
Dear Spoof,

Re: Mr Plunge's accusation towards Mr Danton.

I do the occassional bit of illegal painting and decorating. Although when the case got to court it was described as "defacing public property."

An underpass,

From News Discussion / Presidential Debate Part Three - Romney The Musical
Posted 24 Oct 12 15:46
First of all can I say a big hello Charpa.

Good to see you here again!

As for the story, glad you enjoyed it.

Hopefully it gives an insight into what I see and hear when I watch the debates!

From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 20:43
Yes, the name's Reg of Nazareth.

I hope you're not part of the fucking Judean People's Front. If you are you can fuck off!

From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 19:18
The Romans.

What did they ever do for us?

From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 15:44
Ainsley Harriot because he's always so happy and Jamie Oliver because he's a big tongued cockney wannabe.

I'll give the fukka pukka. Twat.

From General Discussion / Waiting
Posted 22 Oct 12 23:15
Debbie is right about crows.

Also, I witnessed a crow patiently unwrapping a discarded McDonalds burger in my street. Rather than grab the wrapper with it's crafty beak and lift off a couple of feet in the air thus allowing the burger to drop from the wrapper and onto the pavement, it took a corner of the wrapper in it's beak, pulled it back while carefully standing on the other side of the burger and then repeated the action until the burger was visible to it's beady little eyes and undamaged.

It then promptly scoffed the burger and crapped on my neighbours car as it flew off. True story.


What annoys me greatly is people who push in while queueing. It seems to happen a lot at bus stops. I'm waiting in the queue, normally slightly agitated 'cos the bus is late, and when the bus arrives you almost get trampled to death by the hoardes of incredibly rude and impatient people who seem to think they have the right to shove their way onto the bus in front of others who have waited patiently in front of them. I've seen frail old women virtually pushed aside by these people, who obviously think they are vastly more important and have incredible things to do in their lives.

Why do they do it? The bus is still going to take the same amount of time to get to their destination. Is it so they can ensure they get a seat all to themselves so they can then bellow into their bloody mobile phones while gesticulating without someone next to them getting in the way? Or are they just rude selfish people with no manners?

I pride myself on my manners. I wish others would.

Sometimes waiting shows good manners.

My apologies. This appears to have turned into a bit of a rant. I'd better have a lie down.


From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 22 Oct 12 15:48
The little scrotes that keep letting fireworks off at four in the morning in the park opposite my flat.

Oh, and that odious, small-minded, moronic prick Nick Griffin.

Also, Guy Fawkes for not doing the job properly. Bloody amateur. Maybe the kids round my way could do a better job.

Simon (That's me signing this post. It doesn't mean I want to bitch slap myself. Well, not today anyway.)

PS. I am in no way endorsing the destruction of parliament or the inhabiting parliamentarians. Bastards.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 22 Oct 12 15:34
Dear Spoof,

Re; Rex Bumgardener's starling problem.

If I were him I'd buy a shotgun to blast them to smithereens or alternatively save up your used toilet roll and employ a slingshot to fire it at them when their sly little backs are turned. You will be left with a roof resembling a collander or a public toilet but it's a small price to pay and should rid you of the pesky feathered fiends.

Larry Hitman,
A Grassy Knoll,
Nuclear Bomb Lane,

PS. Could Mr. Bumgardener send me some buttered scones as payment for my excellent words of advice? Ta.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 22 Oct 12 12:06
Dear Spoof,

If you haven't got the money to buy a kindle or whatever just pop to your local bookshop, find a book you want, then photograph every page on your mobile phone.

Hey presto! You now have the book you want and it's cost you nowt.

Barney Noble,
Inside a Kinders Egg,

From General Discussion / Let's Talk About Sex
Posted 21 Oct 12 22:12

I've never been the recipient of a hand shandy at a bus stop.

Mind you, many a time I've found myself bored stiff waiting at a bus stop.


From General Discussion / Let's Talk About Sex
Posted 20 Oct 12 22:15
I would've posted a comment on this thread much sooner but I was busy having a good hard think about Britney Spears.

As for sex, well, I can take it or leave it.

I'd rather leave it than take it though. Ahem.


From General Discussion / Jaggedone's Book is on the shelves!
Posted 19 Oct 12 22:30
To get a book published is a monumental achievement.

Congratulations to Jaggedone.

Two questions. What's it called and where can I get it from?


From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 19 Oct 12 17:49

I don't mind really.

I knew that Clive fella would be behind it. I've been allowed into the gang. My plan is to bring it down from within, but, shhh, don't tell anyone.


From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 19 Oct 12 17:34
As per usual I had the idea while lying in bed trying to get to sleep. It always seems to be the time that I have ideas.

I s'pose it's a partial parody of the Savile story with a few adjustments.

The Chin Society was actually a creation of mine when I was about 11 years old as a homage to Jimmy Hill and Brucie. Really, I am a fan of Brucie despite my attempts to slur his good name.


Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


I must admit I did have a chuckle to myself.


Thanks for continuing to call me "Simple" and for the 6 star comment.


Haha. I've never been called a "Leicester Tiger" before. Except for the time I mauled an old biddy on a visit to the Chinese state circus. Oh, happy days.

Thanks guys. Must appreciated.

Simple, bugger it, I mean Simon.

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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