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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 4 Nov 12 21:31
Dear Spoof,

Re: Mr Plunge's accusation towards Mr Danton.

I do the occassional bit of illegal painting and decorating. Although when the case got to court it was described as "defacing public property."

An underpass,

From News Discussion / Presidential Debate Part Three - Romney The Musical
Posted 24 Oct 12 15:46
First of all can I say a big hello Charpa.

Good to see you here again!

As for the story, glad you enjoyed it.

Hopefully it gives an insight into what I see and hear when I watch the debates!

From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 20:43
Yes, the name's Reg of Nazareth.

I hope you're not part of the fucking Judean People's Front. If you are you can fuck off!

From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 19:18
The Romans.

What did they ever do for us?

From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 15:44
Ainsley Harriot because he's always so happy and Jamie Oliver because he's a big tongued cockney wannabe.

I'll give the fukka pukka. Twat.

From General Discussion / Waiting
Posted 22 Oct 12 23:15
Debbie is right about crows.

Also, I witnessed a crow patiently unwrapping a discarded McDonalds burger in my street. Rather than grab the wrapper with it's crafty beak and lift off a couple of feet in the air thus allowing the burger to drop from the wrapper and onto the pavement, it took a corner of the wrapper in it's beak, pulled it back while carefully standing on the other side of the burger and then repeated the action until the burger was visible to it's beady little eyes and undamaged.

It then promptly scoffed the burger and crapped on my neighbours car as it flew off. True story.


What annoys me greatly is people who push in while queueing. It seems to happen a lot at bus stops. I'm waiting in the queue, normally slightly agitated 'cos the bus is late, and when the bus arrives you almost get trampled to death by the hoardes of incredibly rude and impatient people who seem to think they have the right to shove their way onto the bus in front of others who have waited patiently in front of them. I've seen frail old women virtually pushed aside by these people, who obviously think they are vastly more important and have incredible things to do in their lives.

Why do they do it? The bus is still going to take the same amount of time to get to their destination. Is it so they can ensure they get a seat all to themselves so they can then bellow into their bloody mobile phones while gesticulating without someone next to them getting in the way? Or are they just rude selfish people with no manners?

I pride myself on my manners. I wish others would.

Sometimes waiting shows good manners.

My apologies. This appears to have turned into a bit of a rant. I'd better have a lie down.


From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 22 Oct 12 15:48
The little scrotes that keep letting fireworks off at four in the morning in the park opposite my flat.

Oh, and that odious, small-minded, moronic prick Nick Griffin.

Also, Guy Fawkes for not doing the job properly. Bloody amateur. Maybe the kids round my way could do a better job.

Simon (That's me signing this post. It doesn't mean I want to bitch slap myself. Well, not today anyway.)

PS. I am in no way endorsing the destruction of parliament or the inhabiting parliamentarians. Bastards.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 22 Oct 12 15:34
Dear Spoof,

Re; Rex Bumgardener's starling problem.

If I were him I'd buy a shotgun to blast them to smithereens or alternatively save up your used toilet roll and employ a slingshot to fire it at them when their sly little backs are turned. You will be left with a roof resembling a collander or a public toilet but it's a small price to pay and should rid you of the pesky feathered fiends.

Larry Hitman,
A Grassy Knoll,
Nuclear Bomb Lane,

PS. Could Mr. Bumgardener send me some buttered scones as payment for my excellent words of advice? Ta.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 22 Oct 12 12:06
Dear Spoof,

If you haven't got the money to buy a kindle or whatever just pop to your local bookshop, find a book you want, then photograph every page on your mobile phone.

Hey presto! You now have the book you want and it's cost you nowt.

Barney Noble,
Inside a Kinders Egg,

From General Discussion / Let's Talk About Sex
Posted 21 Oct 12 22:12

I've never been the recipient of a hand shandy at a bus stop.

Mind you, many a time I've found myself bored stiff waiting at a bus stop.


From General Discussion / Let's Talk About Sex
Posted 20 Oct 12 22:15
I would've posted a comment on this thread much sooner but I was busy having a good hard think about Britney Spears.

As for sex, well, I can take it or leave it.

I'd rather leave it than take it though. Ahem.


From General Discussion / Jaggedone's Book is on the shelves!
Posted 19 Oct 12 22:30
To get a book published is a monumental achievement.

Congratulations to Jaggedone.

Two questions. What's it called and where can I get it from?


From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 19 Oct 12 17:49

I don't mind really.

I knew that Clive fella would be behind it. I've been allowed into the gang. My plan is to bring it down from within, but, shhh, don't tell anyone.


From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 19 Oct 12 17:34
As per usual I had the idea while lying in bed trying to get to sleep. It always seems to be the time that I have ideas.

I s'pose it's a partial parody of the Savile story with a few adjustments.

The Chin Society was actually a creation of mine when I was about 11 years old as a homage to Jimmy Hill and Brucie. Really, I am a fan of Brucie despite my attempts to slur his good name.


Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


I must admit I did have a chuckle to myself.


Thanks for continuing to call me "Simple" and for the 6 star comment.


Haha. I've never been called a "Leicester Tiger" before. Except for the time I mauled an old biddy on a visit to the Chinese state circus. Oh, happy days.

Thanks guys. Must appreciated.

Simple, bugger it, I mean Simon.

From Magazine Discussion / Local Man Describes Meeting With Funeral Director
Posted 12 Oct 12 04:04
I know this may sound cliched, but I found this poignant and quite moving.

Am I going soft in me old age?

All the best Skoob.

5 thumberoonies from me.


From General Discussion / Woman receives €11,721,000,000,000,000 phone bill
Posted 12 Oct 12 03:55
And to think I complain when I'm charged 4 sheets for a pint.

Ho hum.


From General Discussion / Apathy
Posted 11 Oct 12 21:41
A pathy? Is that like a roady?

God that's terrible. I can only apologise.


From General Discussion / Jimmy Savile
Posted 6 Oct 12 15:51

If there was a culture of abuse at the Beeb it is hardly surprising that the abusers protected each other. It seems that that is the way child abusers operate. Hearing Saviles comments about Gary Glitter is a case in point.

It seems that many at the Beeb heard constant rumours but didn't have the balls to do something about it.

I heard Janet Street-Porter on Question Time say that she had heard the rumours but didn't tell anyone higher up about it because she claims they wouldn't have believed her.

For me, that's no excuse. As a grown woman she had a responsibility to speak at the time. She also said she was abused as a six year old and when she told her mum she got a slap. You'd have thought that given what happened to her she would've known how difficult it is for children who are abused to come forward and would've done something.

Same goes for others at the Beeb who knew.

The whole thing is disgusting and a seems a little bit similar to the Catholic church scandal bit on a smaller scale.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 6 Oct 12 03:22
Dear Spoof,

I've just been watching the BBC News show 'Newswatch.'

One of the guests on the show was a viewer who'd written in about the BBC's role in the Sir Jimmy Savile sexual abuse scandal.

While the scandal is obviously disgusting the mans name made me laugh.

Terry Berry.

You'd have thought his parents would've avoided calling him Terence.

I'll bet they probably gave him Jeremy as a middle name as well.

Arnold Drone,

From News Discussion / 'Evil' Bert goes after Romney
Posted 5 Oct 12 16:26
Enjoyed this article very much. Had me laughing. Poor old Bert! 5 thumbalinas from me.

I too watched the debate and have followed US politics since the days of Slick Willy. (Not old enough to be interested before then!)

Totally agree about Mitt Romney appearing a bit distant from the general public.

I would also agree that he is better equipped to sort out the fiscal problems having been in business for a quarter of a century.

My may concern about Romney is where would he take US foreign policy. You may not agree with Obamas efforts so far but I don't think he's been any worse regarding foreign policy than Bush the second was, he's just taken a different approach which has not been that effective either.

If I were an American, I would find it difficult to vote for either of them.

Also Mitt Romney is an anagram of Trim Money (sort of!)

From General Discussion / Why do we get ill?
Posted 5 Oct 12 16:12

I would prescribe two bottles of whisky and 40 Rothmans to be taken liberally followed by a donor kebab with everything on it.

It always helps me to sleep, although you do end up feeling like a mouldy old carpet the next day.

I hope this helps.

Dr Simon.

PS. Seriously though, hope you get well soon!

From General Discussion / The Chippy thread
Posted 3 Oct 12 23:59
There's a chippy in Edinburgh called "The Codfather."

From News Discussion / Taser Guns To Be Introduced In UK Primary Schools
Posted 2 Oct 12 17:54
All this talk of unruly schoolkids reminds me of an incident during my time at secondary school.

During a science class, the teacher, Miss Woodcock, (or Miss Timberdick as we called her behind her back) was demonstrating an experiment. A couple of me classmates, me not included, honest, interferred with said experiment.

Miss Woodcock was not impressed, she bellowed, "It's MY experiment!" before fleeing the classroom in a flood of tears.

Oh how we laughed.

She subsequently went on leave with a "stress related illness" and it also transpired that her husband had run off with some bird he'd impregnated on the side at around the same time.

Somehow it wasn't so funny after we found out about that.

Poor woman. She never did return to school.


From General Discussion / Getting Right To The Arse Of The Matter.
Posted 2 Oct 12 16:59
Bleeding Arse - Jimi Hendrix.

Just seen it on the telly box.

From General Discussion / The Hippy thread
Posted 2 Oct 12 16:12
Unfavourable Hippy Song

This is amusing.

I would also like to point out that I do not support this songs message.

Love and peace,
Psychedelic Simon The Love Trumpet.

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