All times are GMT

Forum Home / Forum posts by Simon Saunders


13 Pages - « 1 2 [3] 4 5 » »»
From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 27 Nov 12 04:46
Message
I almost forgot.

I enjoy pulling the legs off of spiders then using them to tickle the missus under the chin.

She can't get enough of it. That and gin. But I never mention the gin. Not after the last time. The swelling still hasn't gone down.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 26 Nov 12 23:57
Message
My greatest pleasure in life is cutting and pasting, then improving other peoples work and passing it off as my own.

No-one seems to have noticed yet although it's only a matter of time before a certain James Watts will reappear to accuse me of it before then spending a month cutting and pasting other peoples work, passing it off as his own, to prove that it's wrong.

I also enjoy drowning once a week. It helps keep me on my toes.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Deirdrie
Posted 26 Nov 12 23:49
Message
Dear Deirdrie,

I've recently suffered terrible bullying from some of my fellow writers on a spoof website. One of the perpetrators claims I've been calling other contributors names. Another one went so far as to call me a "suck up." I think it may be because of my boyish good looks, witty repartee and stunning writing ability. I recently won a writing competition (although at the time of writing it isn't official) despite deliberately entering a pathetic effort about a pigeon. I'm afraid that when it becomes public the horrible people on the site will rip me to shreds.

Simon.

Dear Simon,

My advice would be to try not to let it bother you. Thank you for the photo you enclosed. You are indeed a very handsome young man.

Love Deirdre

PS. Call me sometime xxxxx

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Nov 12 18:06
Message
Dear Spoof,

I have to say I found Mr Fuck's couldn't care less attitude towards Northerners being killed by falling trees as a result of errant weather a complete disgrace.

I myself personally have been killed six times today because of collapsing trees, three times on the way to work, once at lunchtime and a further two times on my way home.

Knowing my luck it'll happen again tomorrow.

May I also remind Mr Fuck that without us Northerners who would he have to take the piss out of? Apart from the Welsh of course.

Charlie Whippet,
T'Pub
T'North.

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 25 Nov 12 15:22
Message

Quote: Clive Danton


I went to one of these Facebook gatherings once, where the slavering sex offender and the perennially ugly meet up to lie to each other about how happy they are, and one of the geezers there was a bit like that. In short he was a fat stinking **** with 'orrible yellow gnashers and breath that would fell a charging bull from 100 paces.

Apart from that it was a joy to meet the boy.


I knew we'd met somewhere before.



 
From General Discussion / Who Gave JR A Break, Allowing Him To Die Of Natural Causes?
Posted 25 Nov 12 01:43
Message
I thought Clive was having a laugh with this thread.

Now I've just seen the BBC website and realised that Larry Hagman has died.

RIP JR.

 
From News Discussion / Underperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Posted 23 Nov 12 20:06
Message

Quote: radiogagger

'arry is leaning out of his car window talking to a sky sports camera as we type


37% of football interviews take place through an open car window.

That's a fact!

Just subbed a Mark Hughes/'Arry Redknapp piece.

*Leans out of car window before speeding off in a 4x4 and running over Sky Sports reporter Brian Swanson*

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Underperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Posted 23 Nov 12 18:22
Message

Quote: radiogagger

Like all paid off CHelsea bosses this story is on the money.

And the bit about RDM in Thunderbirds tickled me. Probably would have spat tea on the screen if I'd been drinking any.

R'DOG


Ta very much R'Dog.

I see you spoofed the same thing. We both used the old "revolving door" gag.

Great minds think alike!

Time to take on the Mark Hughes sacking.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 23 Nov 12 00:53
Message
Dear Spoof,

I was having a bit of a chat with the missus about sex and decided to ask her a question about orgasms.

"How do you know if a woman is faking it?" I asked.

"She'll be having sex with you." Was her helpful reply.

Yours pathetically,
Lou Zerr,
Rumpy Pumpy Lane,
The Nether Regions,
Botswana




 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 22 Nov 12 03:46
Message
I'm a big fan of a show that's been around for years.

It's called 'The News' and it's on every day just like another show I enjoy called 'The Weather'. Although 'The Weather' can be a little repetative.

Sometimes 'The News' is funny, sometimes sad, but always thought provoking. There's even a spin off show called 'Newsnight'.

How the writers continue to come up with new ideas and characters is beyond me. Some might say that you couldn't make it up. They should get an award or summat for their brilliant creativity.

Simon

PS. My favourite character on 'Newsnight' is Jeremy. He spends the whole time berating the other characters. It's hilarious.

 
From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 21 Nov 12 00:00
Message
R'Dog,

Never mind 'Shilts' not being able to kick the ball. He was so old he could barely see the bleedin' thing.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 20 Nov 12 21:13
Message
I remember seeing the legendary former Leicester goalkeeper Peter Shilton making his 1000th league appearance for Leyton Orient.

A remarkable achievement by Shilton.

Also a remarkable achievement by the Orient groundsman in repairing the goal mouth after Shilton's wheelchair had shredded the six yard box like a madman on a tractor.

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Tank Engine Drivers Describe 'Living Engine' Nightmare on Island of Sodor
Posted 20 Nov 12 21:02
Message
I think it's an outrage that the good name of Thomas the Tank Engine has been besmirched in this way.

It was bad enough when people started using his name as rhyming slang for self-pleasuring, and now this.

Disgraceful.

5 from me!

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Cole Hole Gang Uproar!
Posted 20 Nov 12 19:30
Message

Quote: armfeetandtoe

Thank you lads, did not even notice the review.
By the way, do you want readies or a kite?


Love as always

Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


The missus doesn't allow me to have any dosh since I bought some magic beans with the rent money and I don't like kites cuz one of the feathered bastards swooped down and nicked me rabbit flavoured ice-cream on a recent hiking trek in Devon.

I'll take an eagle if you've got one.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / BBC Children In Need
Posted 20 Nov 12 18:24
Message

Quote: IainB

I found it deeply ironic that the BBC hosted a charity event for a charity that protects children.

Maybe that's just me.

Debbie


Along with Arm I felt the same thing.

I found myself shouting, "yeah children are in need, some of them because of your ex-employees who you never did anything about," at the screen.

If it's any consolation it was terrible anyway. It didn't seem like they had their hearts in it. Probably thinking the same thing we are.

Anyway, if the shit hits the fan it could be the last one the BBC does.

Simon



 
From News Discussion / Cole Hole Gang Uproar!
Posted 20 Nov 12 17:00
Message
I gave this one a 5 based solely on the fact that I'm in it.

Arm, how did you know I disguise myself as a lamp post?

You've blown my cover now. The guys back at the Kremlin will be furious.

Back into hiding again I s'pose.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 19 Nov 12 23:56
Message
Dear Spoof,

I would like to thank Sophie @ National Express for her advice but I can't be bothered.

My missus is very environmentally friendly as well. She recycles each and every one of the 32 bottles of gin she consumes on a weekly basis. She likes to smash them up before she takes them to the bottle bank. On the back of my head.

Cow.

Yours sore-headedly,
Frank Gonad,
Dafty Avenue,
Kippersford,
Malaysia

 
From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 19 Nov 12 23:46
Message

Quote: Clive Danton

^^^^^^^ beef drink guzzling, Aylesbury Under 90s Male Prostitute Of The Year with bad back there.


Clive, Clive, O Clive.

It was Ayisham not Aylesbury.

I bet you feel silly now, don't ya?

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 19 Nov 12 01:48
Message
Dear Spoof,

May I be the first person to congratulate Lorraine Kelly on making the 1300th post on this marvellous thread.

As she would say, "That's luvleee."

Cow.

Sincerely,
Frank Bough,
Dodgy Franks Dodgy Sweater Company,
Syringe,
Oman

 
From News Discussion / American Koreans are an endangered species
Posted 18 Nov 12 16:24
Message
This is one way to get noticed.

Unfortunately the wrong way.

I normally give the benefit of the doubt regarding a writers intentions but I can't here.

How did this piece avoid capture before publication?

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Nov 12 02:06
Message
Dear Spoof,

Is fuckwittery the same as knobchoppery?

And what the hell is shitflickery?

I hope this can be cleared up quicker than that nasty rash I caught off my gardener Carlos.

Yours muckily,
Lady Camilla Tittington-Suckwell,
Middlewank Estate,
Itchy-Upon-Crotch

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 17 Nov 12 11:37
Message
Dear Spoof,

Mr Danton raises (no laughing at the back) an interesting point regarding Tulisa off of the X Tractor.

It's good to hear she doesn't want to get into a war of words over some moronic footballer she's straddling or whatever. There's enough of that sort of thing.

Having said that, judging by her tweets I'm not sure that she knows many words.

Mr Dick Tionary
Oxford
Consise.

 
From General Discussion / BBC Children In Need
Posted 17 Nov 12 11:22
Message
Stabbed on the District Line? Sounds nasty.

What is the District Line? Is it an artery around the heart or that one in the groin?

Simon

 
From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 17 Nov 12 02:21
Message
If there is genuine reason for it then I don't have a problem.

There may be a good reason for it and it would be helpful to have an explanation. Without a worded critique it does feel like getting a swift kick in the balls from a balaclava wearing person before they run off behind a tree to hide.

In summary. Genuine criticism is helpful and I certainly don't think I am exempt from it. Hit and run one thumbers are not helpful.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 16 Nov 12 23:57
Message
Not sure about that Arm.

Thanks for the compliment though (Unless you're taking the piss!) I choked on me bovril while reading it.

Simon

 
13 Pages - « 1 2 [3] 4 5 » »»
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

Go to top

Who is online?

There is 1 registered user currently online: 1 is active , none are currently inactive .

Users online:

Profile Featured Writer

Brett Taylor
Brett Taylor
Joined: 29 October 2010
Stories Written: 41
64 readers are online right now!

Go to top