Discussion Forum

So far they've raised 20 million sheets.

That should just about cover all the lawsuits.

Simon

I'd of preferred it if they'd watered down the gob. Used to take ages to scrape it out of me hair.

Simon

I was gonna make a cheap joke about beef curtains but I can't think of one.

I like bovril though. Reminds me of going to the footy when I was a kid. That and being gobbed on by Forest fans.

Oh deary me.

Simon.

Another good one Clive. Had a right laugh.

Particularly liked his response to the simple request "sign here."

Cheers Clive.

PoM

My birthday is of no consequence really, it was just a cheap way to get birthday wishes.

I hope it didn't seem like I was being flippant regarding Remembrance/Veterans Day. That wasn't my intention.

Simon

Remembrance Day is always a solemn day for me cuz it's my birthday as well.

Me grandad was a desert rat during the second world war. He wasn't in the army, he just used to wander through the desert dressed as a rat.

Seriously though. Truly a day to remember those who have given their lives to protect our freedom.

Simon

I bet they had a collection once he'd left. Not for him though for themselves so they could hire someone to find the fella and give him a good beating.

Funny though. Good for him.

Simon

I'd like to second Frankie's suggestion of giving Donald Trump a good hard slap.

The sort of knob-choppery that he spouts is highly amusing.

I subbed a piss take of his twitter rant. If anyone deserves to be mocked, it's Trump.

I'd also like to add Sean Hannity to the list.

I voted "no we know they're bald."

I used to work with an American fella who wore the worst bonce carpet I've ever seen. It looked like it was made of nylon. It didn't fit his head and was a different colour from the real hair he had left. Surely if you wear a wig it shouldn't be obvious. Mind you, I can spot one from a hundred paces.

If you're bald, or heading (pun intended) that way, do it gracefully.

Comb-overs and syrups are unacceptable. Shave the sides and polish the top with some Mr.Sheen.

Simon

Dear Spoof,

Re: Mr Plunge's accusation towards Mr Danton.

I do the occassional bit of illegal painting and decorating. Although when the case got to court it was described as "defacing public property."

Banksy,
An underpass,
Bristol

Yes, the name's Reg of Nazareth.

I hope you're not part of the fucking Judean People's Front. If you are you can fuck off!

The Romans.

What did they ever do for us?

Ainsley Harriot because he's always so happy and Jamie Oliver because he's a big tongued cockney wannabe.

I'll give the fukka pukka. Twat.

Debbie is right about crows.

Also, I witnessed a crow patiently unwrapping a discarded McDonalds burger in my street. Rather than grab the wrapper with it's crafty beak and lift off a couple of feet in the air thus allowing the burger to drop from the wrapper and onto the pavement, it took a corner of the wrapper in it's beak, pulled it back while carefully standing on the other side of the burger and then repeated the action until the burger was visible to it's beady little eyes and undamaged.

It then promptly scoffed the burger and crapped on my neighbours car as it flew off. True story.

Waiting......hmmmm.

What annoys me greatly is people who push in while queueing. It seems to happen a lot at bus stops. I'm waiting in the queue, normally slightly agitated 'cos the bus is late, and when the bus arrives you almost get trampled to death by the hoardes of incredibly rude and impatient people who seem to think they have the right to shove their way onto the bus in front of others who have waited patiently in front of them. I've seen frail old women virtually pushed aside by these people, who obviously think they are vastly more important and have incredible things to do in their lives.

Why do they do it? The bus is still going to take the same amount of time to get to their destination. Is it so they can ensure they get a seat all to themselves so they can then bellow into their bloody mobile phones while gesticulating without someone next to them getting in the way? Or are they just rude selfish people with no manners?

I pride myself on my manners. I wish others would.

Sometimes waiting shows good manners.

My apologies. This appears to have turned into a bit of a rant. I'd better have a lie down.

Simon

The little scrotes that keep letting fireworks off at four in the morning in the park opposite my flat.

Oh, and that odious, small-minded, moronic prick Nick Griffin.

Also, Guy Fawkes for not doing the job properly. Bloody amateur. Maybe the kids round my way could do a better job.

Simon (That's me signing this post. It doesn't mean I want to bitch slap myself. Well, not today anyway.)

PS. I am in no way endorsing the destruction of parliament or the inhabiting parliamentarians. Bastards.

Dear Spoof,

Re; Rex Bumgardener's starling problem.

If I were him I'd buy a shotgun to blast them to smithereens or alternatively save up your used toilet roll and employ a slingshot to fire it at them when their sly little backs are turned. You will be left with a roof resembling a collander or a public toilet but it's a small price to pay and should rid you of the pesky feathered fiends.

Larry Hitman,
A Grassy Knoll,
Nuclear Bomb Lane,
Iran.

PS. Could Mr. Bumgardener send me some buttered scones as payment for my excellent words of advice? Ta.

Dear Spoof,

If you haven't got the money to buy a kindle or whatever just pop to your local bookshop, find a book you want, then photograph every page on your mobile phone.

Hey presto! You now have the book you want and it's cost you nowt.

Barney Noble,
Inside a Kinders Egg,
Monkfish.

Skoob,

I've never been the recipient of a hand shandy at a bus stop.

Mind you, many a time I've found myself bored stiff waiting at a bus stop.

Simon

I would've posted a comment on this thread much sooner but I was busy having a good hard think about Britney Spears.

As for sex, well, I can take it or leave it.

I'd rather leave it than take it though. Ahem.

Simon

To get a book published is a monumental achievement.

Congratulations to Jaggedone.

Two questions. What's it called and where can I get it from?

Simon

And to think I complain when I'm charged 4 sheets for a pint.

Ho hum.

Simon

A pathy? Is that like a roady?

God that's terrible. I can only apologise.

Simon

Skoob,

If there was a culture of abuse at the Beeb it is hardly surprising that the abusers protected each other. It seems that that is the way child abusers operate. Hearing Saviles comments about Gary Glitter is a case in point.

It seems that many at the Beeb heard constant rumours but didn't have the balls to do something about it.

I heard Janet Street-Porter on Question Time say that she had heard the rumours but didn't tell anyone higher up about it because she claims they wouldn't have believed her.

For me, that's no excuse. As a grown woman she had a responsibility to speak at the time. She also said she was abused as a six year old and when she told her mum she got a slap. You'd have thought that given what happened to her she would've known how difficult it is for children who are abused to come forward and would've done something.

Same goes for others at the Beeb who knew.

The whole thing is disgusting and a seems a little bit similar to the Catholic church scandal bit on a smaller scale.

Simon

Dear Spoof,

I've just been watching the BBC News show 'Newswatch.'

One of the guests on the show was a viewer who'd written in about the BBC's role in the Sir Jimmy Savile sexual abuse scandal.

While the scandal is obviously disgusting the mans name made me laugh.

Terry Berry.

You'd have thought his parents would've avoided calling him Terence.

I'll bet they probably gave him Jeremy as a middle name as well.

Arnold Drone,
Pakistan,
Chesterfield.

Mark,

I would prescribe two bottles of whisky and 40 Rothmans to be taken liberally followed by a donor kebab with everything on it.

It always helps me to sleep, although you do end up feeling like a mouldy old carpet the next day.

I hope this helps.

Dr Simon.

PS. Seriously though, hope you get well soon!