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From General Discussion / Worrying Statistics
Posted 3 Dec 12 15:06
1 out of 1 Simon's reckon 99% of statistics are a load of old bollocks.

I know this is true because I just made it up.

Simon the statistician

From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 2 Dec 12 23:37
James sounds like a smashing chap.

It does beg the question........what's he doing being your friend?

Only kidding Clive.


From General Discussion / Advent calendar
Posted 2 Dec 12 22:01

I saw some "alternative" advent calenders today while out shopping.

I found them in WHSmith's behind all the usual ones.

I say it's alternative, what I really mean is it's pornographic.

I managed to avoid the staff and open all the doors on one to have a closer look. Would you believe it, behind every door is a thumbnail snapshot of Mrs Claus in a variety of provocative poses. One including Rudolph and an oversize festive carrot. The chocolates are equally suggestive.

Disgusting really.

Needless to say I immediately purchased the lot and intend to distribute them to all my elderly relatives.

I won't put a link to the pictures as I'd probably get banned.


From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 2 Dec 12 21:06
Just read a thing on the BBC website that says 25,000 people in the UK are HIV positive but don't know about it.

Now then, first of all, the Health Protection Agency, who released these figures, need to explain how they compiled the numbers.

Cynic that I am, I reckon they've plucked a number out the air based on the figures for people that know they're HIV positive and ran with it.

If somehow the figures are accurate, and the only way to know they're accurate is for the HPA to know who's affected, then it might be a good idea for the HPA to contact these 25,000 people and give them the news. Otherwise they may unknowingly spread the virus.

My bet is they've just made the numbers up based on some obscure calculation that only they understand, and in reality they have no idea how many people are unaware and therefore have no idea who's affected.

Obviously I could be horribly wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.

It's like all these illegal immigration figures. How do the government know the numbers? The whole basis of illegal immigration is the government don't know about you.The only way they could know is if the illegal immigrants rang up the government to tell them.

Hands up if you trust government figures.

*thrusts hands onto the floor*


PS. Sorry, that was a bit serious. Normal service will be resumed shortly................Boobies.

From News Discussion / Andrew Flintoff Fails Breathalyser Test During F1 Debut
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:58
I can visualise everything wot you writed.

Loved the pic and caption as well.



From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:51
My TV choice for today is a wonderful spoof.

BBC One @ 9 pm.

The Secret of Crickley Hall.

Excellent spoof of Noel Edmonds' fictional TV village Crinkley Bottom.

The last show in the series sees Noelle Desmond, played by Suranne Jones, discovering devastating information about her son Robbie, played by none other than the legendary Mr Blobby.

Essential viewing.

From General Discussion / Overly Effusive Football Chants
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:42
I remember us Leicester fans singing the same thing, obviously the MK Dons bit was replaced with Leicester City, when we escaped relegation to the old third division in 1991 after trouncing the mighty Oxford United on the last day of the season.

Imagine that, the best team in the world narrowly avoiding relegation to the third tier of English football.

Another chant I remember was, "Martin give us a wave, Martin, Martin give us a wave."

There was me thinking twenty thousand Foxes fans were asking Martin O'Neill to give them away. I recollect thinking, "how can he give all these blokes away? He doesn't have time to attend Saturday afternoon weddings what with him being a football manager. There's gonna be a lot of disappointed City fans."

There's at least two reasons why my thoughts were plonkerish. The obvious misunderstanding regarding the chant and who ever heard of a man being given away?!

Silly me.


PS. Clive, give us away, Clivey, Clivey give us away.

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 2 Dec 12 14:30
I threw a punch once.

Still haven't found it.


From News Discussion / Bears WR tells Scottish reporter about Viagra use in the NFL
Posted 1 Dec 12 18:43
Where to start.

Despicable is the only word to describe this "story."

The depiction of my good self in this article as some sort of cross-dressing, genitalia exposing, possibly homosexual man-lady in need of little blue pills to raise "Little Simon" is disturbingly accurate.

However, what I cannot accept is Frankie's scandalous accusation that I'm Scottish. That's just not on. It's true, but that's besides the point.

This sort of shoddy, innuendo laden piece of writing has the potential to ruin my whiter than white reputation.

How could you do this Frankie? I told you all those things in the strictest confidence.

*lifts kilt, revealing crotch, and sobs into his tartan splendor like a little girl*

Just wait till the missus hears about this. She'll be so livid I'll have to pay another visit to the offy for some more gin to help calm her nerves. And you'll be getting the bill Frankie.



From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 1 Dec 12 17:21
A slight bending of the rules here.

May I suggest an unmissable show on the wireless.

Radio One 9 pm. 'Westwood.'

Tim, the middle aged son of a vicar, continues with the ridiculous charade that he is a black rapper in his 20's by talking like an idiot and wearing ill fitting sportswear.

Comedy gold. If you've seen Ali G you'll love this.

He'll also be playing some hip hop music inbetween his rib-tickling links.


From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 16:59
A current sporting obscenity must be Fernando "El Ninnieo" Torres.

Fifty million sheets for a bloke who couldn't run over a cow with a tractor in a cow shed.

Chelsea woulda been better off bringing Kerry Dixon out of retirement instead.


PS. Clive. The Flintoff story is a sure fire winner. It make me weep with joy.

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:17
Just read the Flintoff story Clive.

Had me chuckling. Loved the pic and caption.


From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:11
I've watched the fight and it was pretty poor.

Barely any punches connected. Flintoffs opponent threw about 5 meaningful punches and knocked Freddie down with one of them.

Flintoff showed intent and spent most the fight on the front foot. The other guy didn't. Hence Flintoff won on points.

Now if this guy he fought has hands of steel and a bad attitude then I'm a Dutchman. The two opponents he's beaten, knocking one of them unconscious and damaging the others ribs I can only assume they were made of polystyrene.

All this nonsense about Flintoff bringing shame on the boxing world. What about all the idiots like Tyson, Chisora, Foreman boxing at 50, Ricky Hattons pointless comeback. The list goes on

Flintoff is trying his hand at it and he won. The one who should hang his head in shame is the other guy who showed hardly any desire whatsoever.

I can't help feeling that some people in the press have the attitude "he's been a huge success in one sport so he thinks he can be a success in another. How dare he be so arrogant?"

Now, I don't see any point in him continuing. He's never gonna win any belts so why bother. I just think people, particularly the press and boxing community, should get off his back. If I were them I'd be more worried about the state of British boxing which is a bit shameful itself.

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 1 Dec 12 03:20
You'll have to be quick to catch tonights televisual delight.

9 pm on BBC 2 Scotland.

Scotland's Greatest Warrior.

The heartwarming story of Wee Jimmy Krankie's rise from council estate ragamuffin to global television star.

Charting her dressing-up-as-a-schoolboy turmoil and how she used it to her advantage by creating an unrivalled comedy double act with her creepy husband Iain.

Truly the greatest warrior Scotland has ever produced.

From General Discussion / Christmas? Bah Humbug!
Posted 1 Dec 12 01:35
I noticed we now have a Christmas look to the site.

Snow flakes and "festive spoof headlines."

Does this mean we have to write Christmas themed old tat until the 25th and do I have to wear a stupid bloody Santa hat with itchy tinsel around the rim while I'm doing it?

Frankly I'd rather cut me baubles off and stick 'em up a turkeys backside. If it wasn't bad enough doing me Christmas shopping today and being bombarded with the usual embolism inducing Christmas tunes, now this. I've already heard Slade's 'Merry Christmas Everyone' six times. Once more and I'll be forced to throttle myself with a Christmas stocking. And not in a pervy way like Clive does.

Christmas? Bollocks more like.


PS. Merry Christmas.

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 20:58
The 1992 division two play-off final was a true sporting obscenity.

My beloved Leicester City faced the recently Jack Walker-fied Blackburn Rovers at Wembley. My first visit to the hallowed stadium it was.

Imagine my disgust when the diving little shit David Speedie folded like a little girl under a Steve Walsh challenge thus winning a penalty. Said penalty was converted by former Leicester striker Mike Newell.

A double wammy of sporting obscenity.

The irony is Speedie became a Foxes hero when he joined us a couple of years later and helped to secure another play-off final by scoring the winner in the semi's. Then we beat local rivals Derby to make the Premier League. Sweet, sweet victory.

I was also the first person to get his name printed on my shirt after he signed for us.

Fickle? Nah.

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 19:09

I enjoy a bit of sparring, verbally speaking of course, and I know for a fact that I couldn't fight me way out of a wet paper bag. I've tried.

I've huge respect for those who partake in a spot of the old pugalism just as long as they abide by the Marquess of Queensbury's rules.

One thing we would agree on is that Flintoff is probably making a mistake. If I were advising him I'd tell him to stick to doing the telly and those adverts for fat blokes clothes before going home at night to his lovely missus and kids. He's not short of a bob or two and he doesn't need to boost his profile as he's one of the best known cricketers the world has seen in the last 15 years. Only second to me and my majestic cover drive. If I remember I'll post a video of it on here some time.

*mimes stroking the ball through the covers and watching it roll over the boundary ropes*

As for the BBBC, well I honestly have no idea what criteria you have to fulfil to get a licence. I would hope they made their decision based on his abilities rather than because of who he is. I would've thought Flintoff should of had a couple of amateur fights first just to see if he can hack it.

I have to respectfully disagree about womens boxing. I don't doubt that they can suffer damage to their girly bits but I'm a bit of a libertarian when it comes to this sort of thing. Just like sex, so long as it's between two consenting adults I couldn't care less what they do to each other. I don't watch it and probably never will, womans boxing not other people having sex. I spend hours watching others having sex as my internet browser history will confirm. Anyway, that's for another thread.

Part of me hopes he does get a beating then quits. I'd rather remember him as a world class cricketer sticking it to the Aussies than as a journeyman boxer with a Mike Gatting nose and cauliflower ears.

Someone will be making money from this but I don't think Flintoff is an idiot, he wouldn't be pushed into this unless he wants to do it.

Clive is right of course, people do get killed boxing and the whole point of it is to smash your opponents face off. However, the probability of dying is fairly small. I've just read that 1.3 out of every 100,000 boxing participants get killed. I can only assume the .3 is a bantamweight fighter. Seriously though, there are a number of more dangerous sports and of course most of them aren't designed to hurt. I can't argue with the fact that many boxers suffer long lasting damage after a career in the ring but the chances of death are slim.

Take motor sports, a couple of guys died the other week at the same meeting. A fella died at the Dakar rally this year, two more motorbike deaths at the Manz Grand Prix as well. The Isle of Man TT event is notorious. Lee Richardson, a speedway rider, died this year.

As I said, boxing is obviously dangerous but a number of other sports have a higher percentage of deaths per participants.

As for marvellous Marvin Hagler, it's fair enough to have worries for Freddie's safety but to counter that Sugar Ray Leonard and Mike Tyson have been very encouraging to Flintoff. Mind you, Tyson is an idiot so I'd take what he says with a pinch of salt!

I notice David Price commented on this being disrespectful to boxing. This coming from a man who took a fight against that joke Fraudley Harrison and beat him in less than two minutes. I'd say that did more damage to heavyweight boxings image than Flintoff will do. In fact, heavyweight boxing is not exactly on a high at the moment.

That's my take on it all. However misguided it may be!

Clive, nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree. I respect your opinion on this because you've had the balls to get into the ring and I haven't, never will.


From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 18:56
Anyway, lets return to childish toilet humour.

May I begin by saying the word boobies.

There, I feel better all ready.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 Nov 12 17:12
Dear Spoof,

I've just come home after picking up some weekend provisions from me local Farm Foods.

Imagine my amazement when the "cuddly" lady in front of me spent £198 on her shopping with not a vegetable in sight. Unless you count her and her unruly kids of course.

I was wondering if this is some kind of world record. I would've written to Norris McWhirter off the BBC's 'Record Breakers' but I can't because he's dead.

Can anyone help?

Yours hungrily,
Gary Carrot,

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 14:40
There was me thinking this thread was about notorious incidents of sporting swearing.

I was going to mention the time my mother came to watch me playing mens football for the first time and was shocked to the core when she heard me yell, "for fucks sake ref!", after being scythed down by a Ron "Chopper" Harris lookalike.

What then followed was an incident very similar to a few here. Following the brutal assault on my ankle I was cut and pasted to the oppositions crossbar before being set upon to a ratio of 11 to 1 and then folded like a little girl afterwards.

I was going to mention it, but I won't now.

Anyway, having read Clives post I now realise this thread has nowt to do with swearing.

I have been following Flintoff's progress by watching the show that accompanies his efforts to become a pro boxer, I believe it's called 'Flintoff: From Lord's To A Crowded A+E Department On A Friday Night,' or something.

Anyway, I was very sceptical about this career move. I've heard some say it's a publicity stunt. For who? I hardly think old Freddie needs the publicity. Money? I doubt it. He looks like he is very serious about making a go of it. Of course, it could all end in tears and possibly a trip to Harley Street to get his squashed nose fixed but it all seems genuine to me.

Flintoff has been granted a licence by the BBBC, some well known boxers can't get one of them because of their idiotic antics. Mind you, my missus has a driving licence but that doesn't mean I think she should drive. Not after the last time. I'm still picking bits of the dashboard out from under my fingers nails.

I doubt someone like McGuigan would allow a fellow human being to enter the ring if they weren't prepared.

I hope he wins, like Clive does in every writing compo, and silences the doubters. Although, he may get his face smashed in and make a fool of himself. We'll find out soon enough.

As for womans boxing. Not something I watch but if they want to try the noble art then who's to stop 'em. Men watching two women beat the living snot out of each other is no different from women watching two men doing the same, in my possibly warped opinion.

C'mon Freddie, just imagine the other guy is Ricky Ponting and he's nicked your ashes!

Simon "The Shadow" Saunders

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 29 Nov 12 16:56
Without doubt tonights biggest TV treat is 'Rosemary and Thyme' on ITV3 at 8 pm.

The two flower molesting super-sleuths investigate the death of a British tennis player in Spain. Local cops believe it's an open and shut case of suicide when a note is found next to the stiff's TV. Written in his own blood, it says, "I've just seen the latest episode of 'Rosemary and Thyme' and have lost the will to live. Please look after the geraniums. Ta."

The soil bothering duo aren't having any of it. Well, they wouldn't would they? They suspect foul play.

I can't wait.

From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 22:51
I don't like to question fellow spoofers but I can't agree with Debbie.

A mate of mine says his grandad had a copy of 'The Daily Catastrophic Flood' newspaper from shortly after Noah boarded his ark.

He told me that the article he read stated Noah had immediately regretted taking the baby dinosaurs onboard as they'd been extremely bothersome when it came to the other animals. He says that Noah used his lengthy beard to strangle the dino's before feeding them to the other hungry animals.

If David Attenborough had been in charge none of these problems would've surfaced but he was busy with his schooling at the time.

Not my words of course. So don't shoot the messenger.

Obviously this could be a load of old bobbins. Much in the same way as the whole Noah's Ark story probably is.


From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 28 Nov 12 18:16
Tonight on BBC Two @ 10.30pm.

'Newsnight' hosted by Jeremy Paxman.

Special guests include, James Twatts, the award winning writer of 'My Cutting And Pasting Hell: The Diary Of A Plagiariser', and Chris McAnus the best-selling author of 'Why Straight Jackets Are My Choice As Comfortable Evening Wear.'

The three gentlemen will discuss the morality of cutting and pasting other peoples work, then improving it to make it better, before passing it off as your own and suffering a colossal meltdown afterwards.

From General Discussion / The Naughty Naked Nude Thread.
Posted 28 Nov 12 17:17
The rudity of nudity has given me many thoughts Clive, but it may be better for all concerned if I keep them to myself.


From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 15:18
My question is very simple, just like me.

Why didn't I win the glorious writing compo?

Only kidding.

Here's the real one.

Why do footballers insist on nicking a few yards when they get a free-kick? I could understand it if they were fighting a war when every bit of land you take counts for something but they're definitely not fighting a war, I've checked. Same goes for corners when they put the ball just outside the quadrant.

I've been watching footy for 25 years and it still baffles me, the yard nicking not the football.


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