Discussion Forum

My question is very simple, just like me.

Why didn't I win the glorious writing compo?

Only kidding.

Here's the real one.

Why do footballers insist on nicking a few yards when they get a free-kick? I could understand it if they were fighting a war when every bit of land you take counts for something but they're definitely not fighting a war, I've checked. Same goes for corners when they put the ball just outside the quadrant.

I've been watching footy for 25 years and it still baffles me, the yard nicking not the football.

Simon

Clive. It's the one with a news reporter in a blue and black jacket holding a microphone.

I would say the name of the guy but that would spoil the joke.

By the way, this link has been completely trouble free for me

I hope this helps.

As for Roy's lady. Her name reminds me of that 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' song.

When I worked for the MOD in a medical centre we had a guy on long term sick leave called Major Strain.

Absolutely true.

I've probably just broken the official secrets act or data protection laws so I'm off to hide.

I also seem to remember that one of Labour's drugs minister was called Vernon Coker.

Simon

Just checked the TV guide and found a little gem called 'Fraud Squad' on ITV4 at 9pm tonight.

It's all about Scotland Yard investigating a serious case of writing competition fraud.

I shall be watching closely with my notepad in hand.

Simon

On the subject of childish genital related humour, have a gander at this one.

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on the news.
Public choose to name government building after a man with a silly name

Trust me, you'll laugh out loud at this one.

Please note: The guy who's name is being used had a wife called Minnie. Once you've seen the video you'll see why that's funny as well.

Simon

I used to work with a girl called Abby Wringe. You can imagine what her nickname was.

If you can't I'll help. Put a Sc on the beginning of her first name and think of a word that rhymes with Wringe.

Crude, I know. But absolutely true.

Poor girl. She was right lovely as well.

I just hope she didn't marry a fella called Cox.

Simon

PS. Clive. Was Alan Ball Snr wearing his trademark flat cap?

I've chosen two US politicians to begin with.

First one is Colorado state senator Randy Baumgardner.

Secondly I'd like to choose the Governor of Idaho Butch Otter. His first wife was none other than Gay. Sadly they're now divorced.

You couldn't make it up. Well, you could, but I didn't.

Simon

PS. I've always found it amusing that the Shadow chancellor Ed Balls' wife is called Yvette. Although she doesn't use the surname Balls of course. Spoilsport.

I almost forgot.

I enjoy pulling the legs off of spiders then using them to tickle the missus under the chin.

She can't get enough of it. That and gin. But I never mention the gin. Not after the last time. The swelling still hasn't gone down.

Simon

My greatest pleasure in life is cutting and pasting, then improving other peoples work and passing it off as my own.

No-one seems to have noticed yet although it's only a matter of time before a certain James Watts will reappear to accuse me of it before then spending a month cutting and pasting other peoples work, passing it off as his own, to prove that it's wrong.

I also enjoy drowning once a week. It helps keep me on my toes.

Simon

Dear Deirdrie,

I've recently suffered terrible bullying from some of my fellow writers on a spoof website. One of the perpetrators claims I've been calling other contributors names. Another one went so far as to call me a "suck up." I think it may be because of my boyish good looks, witty repartee and stunning writing ability. I recently won a writing competition (although at the time of writing it isn't official) despite deliberately entering a pathetic effort about a pigeon. I'm afraid that when it becomes public the horrible people on the site will rip me to shreds.

Simon.

Dear Simon,

My advice would be to try not to let it bother you. Thank you for the photo you enclosed. You are indeed a very handsome young man.

Love Deirdre

PS. Call me sometime xxxxx

Dear Spoof,

I have to say I found Mr Fuck's couldn't care less attitude towards Northerners being killed by falling trees as a result of errant weather a complete disgrace.

I myself personally have been killed six times today because of collapsing trees, three times on the way to work, once at lunchtime and a further two times on my way home.

Knowing my luck it'll happen again tomorrow.

May I also remind Mr Fuck that without us Northerners who would he have to take the piss out of? Apart from the Welsh of course.

Charlie Whippet,
T'Pub
T'North.

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Quote: Clive Danton


I went to one of these Facebook gatherings once, where the slavering sex offender and the perennially ugly meet up to lie to each other about how happy they are, and one of the geezers there was a bit like that. In short he was a fat stinking **** with 'orrible yellow gnashers and breath that would fell a charging bull from 100 paces.

Apart from that it was a joy to meet the boy.

---

I knew we'd met somewhere before.

I thought Clive was having a laugh with this thread.

Now I've just seen the BBC website and realised that Larry Hagman has died.

RIP JR.

Dear Spoof,

I was having a bit of a chat with the missus about sex and decided to ask her a question about orgasms.

"How do you know if a woman is faking it?" I asked.

"She'll be having sex with you." Was her helpful reply.

Yours pathetically,
Lou Zerr,
Rumpy Pumpy Lane,
The Nether Regions,
Botswana

I'm a big fan of a show that's been around for years.

It's called 'The News' and it's on every day just like another show I enjoy called 'The Weather'. Although 'The Weather' can be a little repetative.

Sometimes 'The News' is funny, sometimes sad, but always thought provoking. There's even a spin off show called 'Newsnight'.

How the writers continue to come up with new ideas and characters is beyond me. Some might say that you couldn't make it up. They should get an award or summat for their brilliant creativity.

Simon

PS. My favourite character on 'Newsnight' is Jeremy. He spends the whole time berating the other characters. It's hilarious.

R'Dog,

Never mind 'Shilts' not being able to kick the ball. He was so old he could barely see the bleedin' thing.

Simon

I remember seeing the legendary former Leicester goalkeeper Peter Shilton making his 1000th league appearance for Leyton Orient.

A remarkable achievement by Shilton.

Also a remarkable achievement by the Orient groundsman in repairing the goal mouth after Shilton's wheelchair had shredded the six yard box like a madman on a tractor.

Simon

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Quote: IainB

I found it deeply ironic that the BBC hosted a charity event for a charity that protects children.

Maybe that's just me.

Debbie

---

Along with Arm I felt the same thing.

I found myself shouting, "yeah children are in need, some of them because of your ex-employees who you never did anything about," at the screen.

If it's any consolation it was terrible anyway. It didn't seem like they had their hearts in it. Probably thinking the same thing we are.

Anyway, if the shit hits the fan it could be the last one the BBC does.

Simon

Dear Spoof,

I would like to thank Sophie @ National Express for her advice but I can't be bothered.

My missus is very environmentally friendly as well. She recycles each and every one of the 32 bottles of gin she consumes on a weekly basis. She likes to smash them up before she takes them to the bottle bank. On the back of my head.

Cow.

Yours sore-headedly,
Frank Gonad,
Dafty Avenue,
Kippersford,
Malaysia

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Quote: Clive Danton

^^^^^^^ beef drink guzzling, Aylesbury Under 90s Male Prostitute Of The Year with bad back there.

---

Clive, Clive, O Clive.

It was Ayisham not Aylesbury.

I bet you feel silly now, don't ya?

Dear Spoof,

May I be the first person to congratulate Lorraine Kelly on making the 1300th post on this marvellous thread.

As she would say, "That's luvleee."

Cow.

Sincerely,
Frank Bough,
Dodgy Franks Dodgy Sweater Company,
Syringe,
Oman

Dear Spoof,

Is fuckwittery the same as knobchoppery?

And what the hell is shitflickery?

I hope this can be cleared up quicker than that nasty rash I caught off my gardener Carlos.

Yours muckily,
Lady Camilla Tittington-Suckwell,
Middlewank Estate,
Itchy-Upon-Crotch

Dear Spoof,

Mr Danton raises (no laughing at the back) an interesting point regarding Tulisa off of the X Tractor.

It's good to hear she doesn't want to get into a war of words over some moronic footballer she's straddling or whatever. There's enough of that sort of thing.

Having said that, judging by her tweets I'm not sure that she knows many words.

Mr Dick Tionary
Oxford
Consise.

Stabbed on the District Line? Sounds nasty.

What is the District Line? Is it an artery around the heart or that one in the groin?

Simon

Not sure about that Arm.

Thanks for the compliment though (Unless you're taking the piss!) I choked on me bovril while reading it.

Simon