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From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 19:09
Message
Clive,

I enjoy a bit of sparring, verbally speaking of course, and I know for a fact that I couldn't fight me way out of a wet paper bag. I've tried.

I've huge respect for those who partake in a spot of the old pugalism just as long as they abide by the Marquess of Queensbury's rules.

One thing we would agree on is that Flintoff is probably making a mistake. If I were advising him I'd tell him to stick to doing the telly and those adverts for fat blokes clothes before going home at night to his lovely missus and kids. He's not short of a bob or two and he doesn't need to boost his profile as he's one of the best known cricketers the world has seen in the last 15 years. Only second to me and my majestic cover drive. If I remember I'll post a video of it on here some time.

*mimes stroking the ball through the covers and watching it roll over the boundary ropes*

As for the BBBC, well I honestly have no idea what criteria you have to fulfil to get a licence. I would hope they made their decision based on his abilities rather than because of who he is. I would've thought Flintoff should of had a couple of amateur fights first just to see if he can hack it.

I have to respectfully disagree about womens boxing. I don't doubt that they can suffer damage to their girly bits but I'm a bit of a libertarian when it comes to this sort of thing. Just like sex, so long as it's between two consenting adults I couldn't care less what they do to each other. I don't watch it and probably never will, womans boxing not other people having sex. I spend hours watching others having sex as my internet browser history will confirm. Anyway, that's for another thread.

Part of me hopes he does get a beating then quits. I'd rather remember him as a world class cricketer sticking it to the Aussies than as a journeyman boxer with a Mike Gatting nose and cauliflower ears.

Someone will be making money from this but I don't think Flintoff is an idiot, he wouldn't be pushed into this unless he wants to do it.

Clive is right of course, people do get killed boxing and the whole point of it is to smash your opponents face off. However, the probability of dying is fairly small. I've just read that 1.3 out of every 100,000 boxing participants get killed. I can only assume the .3 is a bantamweight fighter. Seriously though, there are a number of more dangerous sports and of course most of them aren't designed to hurt. I can't argue with the fact that many boxers suffer long lasting damage after a career in the ring but the chances of death are slim.

Take motor sports, a couple of guys died the other week at the same meeting. A fella died at the Dakar rally this year, two more motorbike deaths at the Manz Grand Prix as well. The Isle of Man TT event is notorious. Lee Richardson, a speedway rider, died this year.

As I said, boxing is obviously dangerous but a number of other sports have a higher percentage of deaths per participants.

As for marvellous Marvin Hagler, it's fair enough to have worries for Freddie's safety but to counter that Sugar Ray Leonard and Mike Tyson have been very encouraging to Flintoff. Mind you, Tyson is an idiot so I'd take what he says with a pinch of salt!

I notice David Price commented on this being disrespectful to boxing. This coming from a man who took a fight against that joke Fraudley Harrison and beat him in less than two minutes. I'd say that did more damage to heavyweight boxings image than Flintoff will do. In fact, heavyweight boxing is not exactly on a high at the moment.

That's my take on it all. However misguided it may be!

Clive, nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree. I respect your opinion on this because you've had the balls to get into the ring and I haven't, never will.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 18:56
Message
Anyway, lets return to childish toilet humour.

May I begin by saying the word boobies.

There, I feel better all ready.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 Nov 12 17:12
Message
Dear Spoof,

I've just come home after picking up some weekend provisions from me local Farm Foods.

Imagine my amazement when the "cuddly" lady in front of me spent £198 on her shopping with not a vegetable in sight. Unless you count her and her unruly kids of course.

I was wondering if this is some kind of world record. I would've written to Norris McWhirter off the BBC's 'Record Breakers' but I can't because he's dead.

Can anyone help?

Yours hungrily,
Gary Carrot,
Brussels,
Swede(n)

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 14:40
Message
There was me thinking this thread was about notorious incidents of sporting swearing.

I was going to mention the time my mother came to watch me playing mens football for the first time and was shocked to the core when she heard me yell, "for fucks sake ref!", after being scythed down by a Ron "Chopper" Harris lookalike.

What then followed was an incident very similar to a few here. Following the brutal assault on my ankle I was cut and pasted to the oppositions crossbar before being set upon to a ratio of 11 to 1 and then folded like a little girl afterwards.

I was going to mention it, but I won't now.

Anyway, having read Clives post I now realise this thread has nowt to do with swearing.

I have been following Flintoff's progress by watching the show that accompanies his efforts to become a pro boxer, I believe it's called 'Flintoff: From Lord's To A Crowded A+E Department On A Friday Night,' or something.

Anyway, I was very sceptical about this career move. I've heard some say it's a publicity stunt. For who? I hardly think old Freddie needs the publicity. Money? I doubt it. He looks like he is very serious about making a go of it. Of course, it could all end in tears and possibly a trip to Harley Street to get his squashed nose fixed but it all seems genuine to me.

Flintoff has been granted a licence by the BBBC, some well known boxers can't get one of them because of their idiotic antics. Mind you, my missus has a driving licence but that doesn't mean I think she should drive. Not after the last time. I'm still picking bits of the dashboard out from under my fingers nails.

I doubt someone like McGuigan would allow a fellow human being to enter the ring if they weren't prepared.

I hope he wins, like Clive does in every writing compo, and silences the doubters. Although, he may get his face smashed in and make a fool of himself. We'll find out soon enough.

As for womans boxing. Not something I watch but if they want to try the noble art then who's to stop 'em. Men watching two women beat the living snot out of each other is no different from women watching two men doing the same, in my possibly warped opinion.

C'mon Freddie, just imagine the other guy is Ricky Ponting and he's nicked your ashes!

Simon "The Shadow" Saunders

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 29 Nov 12 16:56
Message
Without doubt tonights biggest TV treat is 'Rosemary and Thyme' on ITV3 at 8 pm.

The two flower molesting super-sleuths investigate the death of a British tennis player in Spain. Local cops believe it's an open and shut case of suicide when a note is found next to the stiff's TV. Written in his own blood, it says, "I've just seen the latest episode of 'Rosemary and Thyme' and have lost the will to live. Please look after the geraniums. Ta."

The soil bothering duo aren't having any of it. Well, they wouldn't would they? They suspect foul play.

I can't wait.

 
From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 22:51
Message
I don't like to question fellow spoofers but I can't agree with Debbie.

A mate of mine says his grandad had a copy of 'The Daily Catastrophic Flood' newspaper from shortly after Noah boarded his ark.

He told me that the article he read stated Noah had immediately regretted taking the baby dinosaurs onboard as they'd been extremely bothersome when it came to the other animals. He says that Noah used his lengthy beard to strangle the dino's before feeding them to the other hungry animals.

If David Attenborough had been in charge none of these problems would've surfaced but he was busy with his schooling at the time.

Not my words of course. So don't shoot the messenger.

Obviously this could be a load of old bobbins. Much in the same way as the whole Noah's Ark story probably is.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 28 Nov 12 18:16
Message
Tonight on BBC Two @ 10.30pm.

'Newsnight' hosted by Jeremy Paxman.

Special guests include, James Twatts, the award winning writer of 'My Cutting And Pasting Hell: The Diary Of A Plagiariser', and Chris McAnus the best-selling author of 'Why Straight Jackets Are My Choice As Comfortable Evening Wear.'

The three gentlemen will discuss the morality of cutting and pasting other peoples work, then improving it to make it better, before passing it off as your own and suffering a colossal meltdown afterwards.

 
From General Discussion / The Naughty Naked Nude Thread.
Posted 28 Nov 12 17:17
Message
The rudity of nudity has given me many thoughts Clive, but it may be better for all concerned if I keep them to myself.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 15:18
Message
My question is very simple, just like me.

Why didn't I win the glorious writing compo?

Only kidding.

Here's the real one.

Why do footballers insist on nicking a few yards when they get a free-kick? I could understand it if they were fighting a war when every bit of land you take counts for something but they're definitely not fighting a war, I've checked. Same goes for corners when they put the ball just outside the quadrant.

I've been watching footy for 25 years and it still baffles me, the yard nicking not the football.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 19:25
Message
Clive. It's the one with a news reporter in a blue and black jacket holding a microphone.

I would say the name of the guy but that would spoil the joke.

By the way, this link has been completely trouble free for me

I hope this helps.

As for Roy's lady. Her name reminds me of that 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' song.

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 18:11
Message
When I worked for the MOD in a medical centre we had a guy on long term sick leave called Major Strain.

Absolutely true.

I've probably just broken the official secrets act or data protection laws so I'm off to hide.

I also seem to remember that one of Labour's drugs minister was called Vernon Coker.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 27 Nov 12 16:54
Message
Just checked the TV guide and found a little gem called 'Fraud Squad' on ITV4 at 9pm tonight.

It's all about Scotland Yard investigating a serious case of writing competition fraud.

I shall be watching closely with my notepad in hand.

Simon



 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 15:40
Message
On the subject of childish genital related humour, have a gander at this one.

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on the news.
Public choose to name government building after a man with a silly name

Trust me, you'll laugh out loud at this one.

Please note: The guy who's name is being used had a wife called Minnie. Once you've seen the video you'll see why that's funny as well.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 13:48
Message
I used to work with a girl called Abby Wringe. You can imagine what her nickname was.

If you can't I'll help. Put a Sc on the beginning of her first name and think of a word that rhymes with Wringe.

Crude, I know. But absolutely true.

Poor girl. She was right lovely as well.

I just hope she didn't marry a fella called Cox.

Simon

PS. Clive. Was Alan Ball Snr wearing his trademark flat cap?

 
From News Discussion / Candles ignite stripper's fart: explosion injures 20 Shriners in Massachusetts!
Posted 27 Nov 12 13:38
Message

Quote: Francois Dubois, S.J.

Sometimes I cain't hep mysef; I just cain't!


I hope you're suitably ashamed Frankie.

Made me laugh though. The use of the tag 'Candle In The Wind' raised a titter or three as well.

5!

Simon

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 12:22
Message
I've chosen two US politicians to begin with.

First one is Colorado state senator Randy Baumgardner.

Secondly I'd like to choose the Governor of Idaho Butch Otter. His first wife was none other than Gay. Sadly they're now divorced.

You couldn't make it up. Well, you could, but I didn't.

Simon

PS. I've always found it amusing that the Shadow chancellor Ed Balls' wife is called Yvette. Although she doesn't use the surname Balls of course. Spoilsport.

 
From Magazine Discussion / Quentin Kelp MP - A Wind Up
Posted 27 Nov 12 05:21
Message
Frankly I'm surprised the government haven't got this peddle for power policy in place already.

I can imagine Iain Duncan Smith over at the DWP wetting himself with excitement at the prospect of using the unemployed to generate energy.

Fantastic stuff!

Simon


 
From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 27 Nov 12 04:46
Message
I almost forgot.

I enjoy pulling the legs off of spiders then using them to tickle the missus under the chin.

She can't get enough of it. That and gin. But I never mention the gin. Not after the last time. The swelling still hasn't gone down.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 26 Nov 12 23:57
Message
My greatest pleasure in life is cutting and pasting, then improving other peoples work and passing it off as my own.

No-one seems to have noticed yet although it's only a matter of time before a certain James Watts will reappear to accuse me of it before then spending a month cutting and pasting other peoples work, passing it off as his own, to prove that it's wrong.

I also enjoy drowning once a week. It helps keep me on my toes.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Deirdrie
Posted 26 Nov 12 23:49
Message
Dear Deirdrie,

I've recently suffered terrible bullying from some of my fellow writers on a spoof website. One of the perpetrators claims I've been calling other contributors names. Another one went so far as to call me a "suck up." I think it may be because of my boyish good looks, witty repartee and stunning writing ability. I recently won a writing competition (although at the time of writing it isn't official) despite deliberately entering a pathetic effort about a pigeon. I'm afraid that when it becomes public the horrible people on the site will rip me to shreds.

Simon.

Dear Simon,

My advice would be to try not to let it bother you. Thank you for the photo you enclosed. You are indeed a very handsome young man.

Love Deirdre

PS. Call me sometime xxxxx

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Nov 12 18:06
Message
Dear Spoof,

I have to say I found Mr Fuck's couldn't care less attitude towards Northerners being killed by falling trees as a result of errant weather a complete disgrace.

I myself personally have been killed six times today because of collapsing trees, three times on the way to work, once at lunchtime and a further two times on my way home.

Knowing my luck it'll happen again tomorrow.

May I also remind Mr Fuck that without us Northerners who would he have to take the piss out of? Apart from the Welsh of course.

Charlie Whippet,
T'Pub
T'North.

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 25 Nov 12 15:22
Message

Quote: Clive Danton


I went to one of these Facebook gatherings once, where the slavering sex offender and the perennially ugly meet up to lie to each other about how happy they are, and one of the geezers there was a bit like that. In short he was a fat stinking **** with 'orrible yellow gnashers and breath that would fell a charging bull from 100 paces.

Apart from that it was a joy to meet the boy.


I knew we'd met somewhere before.



 
From General Discussion / Who Gave JR A Break, Allowing Him To Die Of Natural Causes?
Posted 25 Nov 12 01:43
Message
I thought Clive was having a laugh with this thread.

Now I've just seen the BBC website and realised that Larry Hagman has died.

RIP JR.

 
From News Discussion / Underperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Posted 23 Nov 12 20:06
Message

Quote: radiogagger

'arry is leaning out of his car window talking to a sky sports camera as we type


37% of football interviews take place through an open car window.

That's a fact!

Just subbed a Mark Hughes/'Arry Redknapp piece.

*Leans out of car window before speeding off in a 4x4 and running over Sky Sports reporter Brian Swanson*

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Underperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Posted 23 Nov 12 18:22
Message

Quote: radiogagger

Like all paid off CHelsea bosses this story is on the money.

And the bit about RDM in Thunderbirds tickled me. Probably would have spat tea on the screen if I'd been drinking any.

R'DOG


Ta very much R'Dog.

I see you spoofed the same thing. We both used the old "revolving door" gag.

Great minds think alike!

Time to take on the Mark Hughes sacking.

Simon

 
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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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