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From Magazine Discussion / My Mother Was A Margarine Smuggler
Posted 29 Jul 15 23:55
I did more than blink, I can tell you.

The swines didn't even bother lubing up the rubber glove with margarine first.

From News Discussion / Labour Leadership Candidate Secretly Filmed At Tory Fundraiser
Posted 29 Jul 15 14:51
Bit of shameless self promotion I'm afraid.

I bunged this load of old tat up on a Private Eye post on Facebook.

None other than Charles Shaar Murray commented on it. He said it was "S-A-T-I-R-E." Although it could be sarcasm.

I think he thought that I thought it was for real. Probably didn't realise I'd written it. Not that I'm proud of it.

Made my day that has.

From News Discussion / McDonalds to Hire 500 Chimpanzees In 250 Test Stores
Posted 29 Jul 15 14:43
Not sure if it's racist or satirising racism.

Either way, I believe the writer got the boot a wee while ago.

From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 25 Jul 15 12:41
While researching (well, a quick look at her Wikipedia page) I noticed Labour leadership hopeful Liz Kendall used to date Greg Davies off of 'Man Down.'

Not a couple I can imagine together.

Well, I can, but I'd rather not.

From General Discussion / Comedic trolling
Posted 25 Jul 15 12:36
That's a very good one. Particularly like the one about someone dying in the restroom.

I think there's one on Twitter for Lidl or Aldi. That's pretty good too.

From Magazine Discussion / My Mother Was A Margarine Smuggler
Posted 22 Jul 15 13:50
I was pulled to one side at SeaTac airport years ago by border control.

They took my bag and rifled through it. Only problem was, it was my girlfriends bag (our bags were identical.)

Imagine my embarrassment when the officer quizzed me about the frilly knickers and peekaboo bra's.

"It's not my bag!" I pleaded. "It's my girlfriends!"

The didn't listen. I can't even look at a rubber glove these days without breaking out into a cold sweat.


From News Discussion / Trump Channels Barry White at Campaign Event
Posted 22 Jul 15 13:28
Enjoyed this one. A bit mad but I like that.

Does anyone know why Trump does that pout? Is it a medical condition?

From News Discussion / "Queen Not A Nazi," Says Unconvincing Palace Spokesman
Posted 22 Jul 15 13:24
My lawyers have advised me not to sue on the grounds that I'd have no chance of winning because they're useless lawyers.

I don't know why I pay them. I'll never learn.

From General Discussion / Comedic trolling
Posted 22 Jul 15 12:42
We've probably all come across Jimmy Kimmel's 'Mean Tweets' bit on his show over in the good old USA. If you haven't, look it up on YouTube. It's basically celebrities reading out horrible, but funny, tweets that people have written about them. Even President Obama has appeared.

Has anyone got any examples of funny trolling? Perhaps you've been subjected to some yourself or are a purveyor of comedic trolling yourself.

From News Discussion / "Queen Not A Nazi," Says Unconvincing Palace Spokesman
Posted 19 Jul 15 09:01
I've just seen the front page of todays Sunday Express.

They've gone with a story about how it's definitely a wave, not a Nazi salute.


Should I sue?

From General Discussion / Home for Writers etc
Posted 18 Jul 15 10:27
I think I'm funny. I'm on tablets y'know.

Honestly, I prefer to let others decide whether I'm funny or not.

From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 23:14
I'm bored with you now Dave.

Think I'll go and tell some crappy old jokes to my unborn great grandchildren who think I'm great even though they don't exist yet.

Anyone got a time machine? I've got to get back to the Vaudeville days before Sunday otherwise I'll turn into a shit shovelling old git. Again.

Night night. Don't let the professional writers bite.

From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 15:38
Dave, your last but one post is unreadable.

Also, you're making yourself look very silly.

I'm not an old man. I'm 36.

You really are a prize pillock.

From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 10:37
Just had a wee peek at your webpage Dave. You say you're a pro?

If so, then there's hope for us all.

From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 09:22
Ey up Mr Woods.

I'll have you know I'm regarded as "the loser" in some circles, and some squares.

From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 00:43
Dave, why do you come here if you think it's so awful? It's like going to a terrible pub and complaining about it when you could go to a pub down the road you love. Unless you're barred from the pub you love of course.

You claim to be a professional writer. Any professional worth his salt would never mock other writers in such a pathetic way.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 7 Dec 12 19:04
Dear Spoof,

On a slightly different note I've just been watching the ITV news and they had a report about gay marriage.

They then had three people talking about it. A spokesman from gay rights group Stonewall called Sam Dick. Then two Tory MP's, Mark Pritchard and Peter Bone.

Is someone at ITV taking the piss?

Yours childishly,
Hugh Arse,
Isle of Man,

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 4 Dec 12 17:53

Quote: IainB

Dear Spoof....

Is this dress too short?

Yours, Debbie

Canal Street

Dear Spoof,

Please inform the previous correspondent that her dress is not too short.

In my opinion it is far too long.


Mr P. Ervert,

From News Discussion / 'The Spoof' Facing Backlash After Damning Leveson Report
Posted 4 Dec 12 06:46
Thanks guys.

I had a laugh writing it.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 3 Dec 12 18:49
Dear Spoof,

Regarding Skoobs comments.

Here here.


From General Discussion / Worrying Statistics
Posted 3 Dec 12 15:06
1 out of 1 Simon's reckon 99% of statistics are a load of old bollocks.

I know this is true because I just made it up.

Simon the statistician

From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 2 Dec 12 23:37
James sounds like a smashing chap.

It does beg the question........what's he doing being your friend?

Only kidding Clive.


From General Discussion / Advent calendar
Posted 2 Dec 12 22:01

I saw some "alternative" advent calenders today while out shopping.

I found them in WHSmith's behind all the usual ones.

I say it's alternative, what I really mean is it's pornographic.

I managed to avoid the staff and open all the doors on one to have a closer look. Would you believe it, behind every door is a thumbnail snapshot of Mrs Claus in a variety of provocative poses. One including Rudolph and an oversize festive carrot. The chocolates are equally suggestive.

Disgusting really.

Needless to say I immediately purchased the lot and intend to distribute them to all my elderly relatives.

I won't put a link to the pictures as I'd probably get banned.


From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 2 Dec 12 21:06
Just read a thing on the BBC website that says 25,000 people in the UK are HIV positive but don't know about it.

Now then, first of all, the Health Protection Agency, who released these figures, need to explain how they compiled the numbers.

Cynic that I am, I reckon they've plucked a number out the air based on the figures for people that know they're HIV positive and ran with it.

If somehow the figures are accurate, and the only way to know they're accurate is for the HPA to know who's affected, then it might be a good idea for the HPA to contact these 25,000 people and give them the news. Otherwise they may unknowingly spread the virus.

My bet is they've just made the numbers up based on some obscure calculation that only they understand, and in reality they have no idea how many people are unaware and therefore have no idea who's affected.

Obviously I could be horribly wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.

It's like all these illegal immigration figures. How do the government know the numbers? The whole basis of illegal immigration is the government don't know about you.The only way they could know is if the illegal immigrants rang up the government to tell them.

Hands up if you trust government figures.

*thrusts hands onto the floor*


PS. Sorry, that was a bit serious. Normal service will be resumed shortly................Boobies.

From News Discussion / Andrew Flintoff Fails Breathalyser Test During F1 Debut
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:58
I can visualise everything wot you writed.

Loved the pic and caption as well.



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