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From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 22:51
Message
I don't like to question fellow spoofers but I can't agree with Debbie.

A mate of mine says his grandad had a copy of 'The Daily Catastrophic Flood' newspaper from shortly after Noah boarded his ark.

He told me that the article he read stated Noah had immediately regretted taking the baby dinosaurs onboard as they'd been extremely bothersome when it came to the other animals. He says that Noah used his lengthy beard to strangle the dino's before feeding them to the other hungry animals.

If David Attenborough had been in charge none of these problems would've surfaced but he was busy with his schooling at the time.

Not my words of course. So don't shoot the messenger.

Obviously this could be a load of old bobbins. Much in the same way as the whole Noah's Ark story probably is.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 28 Nov 12 18:16
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Tonight on BBC Two @ 10.30pm.

'Newsnight' hosted by Jeremy Paxman.

Special guests include, James Twatts, the award winning writer of 'My Cutting And Pasting Hell: The Diary Of A Plagiariser', and Chris McAnus the best-selling author of 'Why Straight Jackets Are My Choice As Comfortable Evening Wear.'

The three gentlemen will discuss the morality of cutting and pasting other peoples work, then improving it to make it better, before passing it off as your own and suffering a colossal meltdown afterwards.

 
From General Discussion / The Naughty Naked Nude Thread.
Posted 28 Nov 12 17:17
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The rudity of nudity has given me many thoughts Clive, but it may be better for all concerned if I keep them to myself.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 15:18
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My question is very simple, just like me.

Why didn't I win the glorious writing compo?

Only kidding.

Here's the real one.

Why do footballers insist on nicking a few yards when they get a free-kick? I could understand it if they were fighting a war when every bit of land you take counts for something but they're definitely not fighting a war, I've checked. Same goes for corners when they put the ball just outside the quadrant.

I've been watching footy for 25 years and it still baffles me, the yard nicking not the football.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 19:25
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Clive. It's the one with a news reporter in a blue and black jacket holding a microphone.

I would say the name of the guy but that would spoil the joke.

By the way, this link has been completely trouble free for me

I hope this helps.

As for Roy's lady. Her name reminds me of that 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' song.

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 18:11
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When I worked for the MOD in a medical centre we had a guy on long term sick leave called Major Strain.

Absolutely true.

I've probably just broken the official secrets act or data protection laws so I'm off to hide.

I also seem to remember that one of Labour's drugs minister was called Vernon Coker.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 27 Nov 12 16:54
Message
Just checked the TV guide and found a little gem called 'Fraud Squad' on ITV4 at 9pm tonight.

It's all about Scotland Yard investigating a serious case of writing competition fraud.

I shall be watching closely with my notepad in hand.

Simon



 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 15:40
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On the subject of childish genital related humour, have a gander at this one.

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on the news.
Public choose to name government building after a man with a silly name

Trust me, you'll laugh out loud at this one.

Please note: The guy who's name is being used had a wife called Minnie. Once you've seen the video you'll see why that's funny as well.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 13:48
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I used to work with a girl called Abby Wringe. You can imagine what her nickname was.

If you can't I'll help. Put a Sc on the beginning of her first name and think of a word that rhymes with Wringe.

Crude, I know. But absolutely true.

Poor girl. She was right lovely as well.

I just hope she didn't marry a fella called Cox.

Simon

PS. Clive. Was Alan Ball Snr wearing his trademark flat cap?

 
From News Discussion / Candles ignite stripper's fart: explosion injures 20 Shriners in Massachusetts!
Posted 27 Nov 12 13:38
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Quote: Francois Dubois, S.J.

Sometimes I cain't hep mysef; I just cain't!


I hope you're suitably ashamed Frankie.

Made me laugh though. The use of the tag 'Candle In The Wind' raised a titter or three as well.

5!

Simon

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 12:22
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I've chosen two US politicians to begin with.

First one is Colorado state senator Randy Baumgardner.

Secondly I'd like to choose the Governor of Idaho Butch Otter. His first wife was none other than Gay. Sadly they're now divorced.

You couldn't make it up. Well, you could, but I didn't.

Simon

PS. I've always found it amusing that the Shadow chancellor Ed Balls' wife is called Yvette. Although she doesn't use the surname Balls of course. Spoilsport.

 
From Magazine Discussion / Quentin Kelp MP - A Wind Up
Posted 27 Nov 12 05:21
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Frankly I'm surprised the government haven't got this peddle for power policy in place already.

I can imagine Iain Duncan Smith over at the DWP wetting himself with excitement at the prospect of using the unemployed to generate energy.

Fantastic stuff!

Simon


 
From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 27 Nov 12 04:46
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I almost forgot.

I enjoy pulling the legs off of spiders then using them to tickle the missus under the chin.

She can't get enough of it. That and gin. But I never mention the gin. Not after the last time. The swelling still hasn't gone down.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 26 Nov 12 23:57
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My greatest pleasure in life is cutting and pasting, then improving other peoples work and passing it off as my own.

No-one seems to have noticed yet although it's only a matter of time before a certain James Watts will reappear to accuse me of it before then spending a month cutting and pasting other peoples work, passing it off as his own, to prove that it's wrong.

I also enjoy drowning once a week. It helps keep me on my toes.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Deirdrie
Posted 26 Nov 12 23:49
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Dear Deirdrie,

I've recently suffered terrible bullying from some of my fellow writers on a spoof website. One of the perpetrators claims I've been calling other contributors names. Another one went so far as to call me a "suck up." I think it may be because of my boyish good looks, witty repartee and stunning writing ability. I recently won a writing competition (although at the time of writing it isn't official) despite deliberately entering a pathetic effort about a pigeon. I'm afraid that when it becomes public the horrible people on the site will rip me to shreds.

Simon.

Dear Simon,

My advice would be to try not to let it bother you. Thank you for the photo you enclosed. You are indeed a very handsome young man.

Love Deirdre

PS. Call me sometime xxxxx

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Nov 12 18:06
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Dear Spoof,

I have to say I found Mr Fuck's couldn't care less attitude towards Northerners being killed by falling trees as a result of errant weather a complete disgrace.

I myself personally have been killed six times today because of collapsing trees, three times on the way to work, once at lunchtime and a further two times on my way home.

Knowing my luck it'll happen again tomorrow.

May I also remind Mr Fuck that without us Northerners who would he have to take the piss out of? Apart from the Welsh of course.

Charlie Whippet,
T'Pub
T'North.

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 25 Nov 12 15:22
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Quote: Clive Danton


I went to one of these Facebook gatherings once, where the slavering sex offender and the perennially ugly meet up to lie to each other about how happy they are, and one of the geezers there was a bit like that. In short he was a fat stinking **** with 'orrible yellow gnashers and breath that would fell a charging bull from 100 paces.

Apart from that it was a joy to meet the boy.


I knew we'd met somewhere before.



 
From General Discussion / Who Gave JR A Break, Allowing Him To Die Of Natural Causes?
Posted 25 Nov 12 01:43
Message
I thought Clive was having a laugh with this thread.

Now I've just seen the BBC website and realised that Larry Hagman has died.

RIP JR.

 
From News Discussion / Underperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Posted 23 Nov 12 20:06
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Quote: radiogagger

'arry is leaning out of his car window talking to a sky sports camera as we type


37% of football interviews take place through an open car window.

That's a fact!

Just subbed a Mark Hughes/'Arry Redknapp piece.

*Leans out of car window before speeding off in a 4x4 and running over Sky Sports reporter Brian Swanson*

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Underperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Posted 23 Nov 12 18:22
Message

Quote: radiogagger

Like all paid off CHelsea bosses this story is on the money.

And the bit about RDM in Thunderbirds tickled me. Probably would have spat tea on the screen if I'd been drinking any.

R'DOG


Ta very much R'Dog.

I see you spoofed the same thing. We both used the old "revolving door" gag.

Great minds think alike!

Time to take on the Mark Hughes sacking.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 23 Nov 12 00:53
Message
Dear Spoof,

I was having a bit of a chat with the missus about sex and decided to ask her a question about orgasms.

"How do you know if a woman is faking it?" I asked.

"She'll be having sex with you." Was her helpful reply.

Yours pathetically,
Lou Zerr,
Rumpy Pumpy Lane,
The Nether Regions,
Botswana




 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 22 Nov 12 03:46
Message
I'm a big fan of a show that's been around for years.

It's called 'The News' and it's on every day just like another show I enjoy called 'The Weather'. Although 'The Weather' can be a little repetative.

Sometimes 'The News' is funny, sometimes sad, but always thought provoking. There's even a spin off show called 'Newsnight'.

How the writers continue to come up with new ideas and characters is beyond me. Some might say that you couldn't make it up. They should get an award or summat for their brilliant creativity.

Simon

PS. My favourite character on 'Newsnight' is Jeremy. He spends the whole time berating the other characters. It's hilarious.

 
From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 21 Nov 12 00:00
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R'Dog,

Never mind 'Shilts' not being able to kick the ball. He was so old he could barely see the bleedin' thing.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 20 Nov 12 21:13
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I remember seeing the legendary former Leicester goalkeeper Peter Shilton making his 1000th league appearance for Leyton Orient.

A remarkable achievement by Shilton.

Also a remarkable achievement by the Orient groundsman in repairing the goal mouth after Shilton's wheelchair had shredded the six yard box like a madman on a tractor.

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Tank Engine Drivers Describe 'Living Engine' Nightmare on Island of Sodor
Posted 20 Nov 12 21:02
Message
I think it's an outrage that the good name of Thomas the Tank Engine has been besmirched in this way.

It was bad enough when people started using his name as rhyming slang for self-pleasuring, and now this.

Disgraceful.

5 from me!

Simon

 
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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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