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From News Discussion / Jordan To Marry Again, Divorce Lawyer Orders New Yacht
Posted 30 Apr 12 16:28
Message
Cheers Skoob.

As a seasoned cynic I suspect this is all about publicity for Jordan.
I don't really follow the whole "celebrity" thing, but she does appear to have been rather quiet this last year.

I really wouldn't be surprised if she's just looking to boost her profile.

As you may have guessed already, I am not a fan of hers.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 Apr 12 01:30
Message
Dear Spoof,

I was recently challenged by a fellow officer to chop off both my arms with a meat cleaver.

I had no problem chopping off my left arm. However, at this point I realised, much to my embarrassment, that I couldn't chop off my remaining arm because I had nothing with which I could hold the meat cleaver.

I feel like such a fool. I have been unable to return to the officers mess since the incident. Any advice would be welcome.

Major I.Diot
The Army,
Armthorpe,
Armenia

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 28 Apr 12 14:04
Message
Dear Spoof,

As a British national with Chinese blood I have encountered some of the usual racist stuff you get from beery neandathals down our way.

I was waiting in line for my name to be called at the local brothel (it's a very formal knocking shop) and the new receptionist kept looking up from her desk and pointing at me while laughing.

Eventually my name was called, happy days I thought. For some reason all the "working" girls came running out of their boudoirs and towards the receptionist.

I still don't know why.

Yours suspiciously,

Hugh Suk Cok
Peniston,
South Yorkshire.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoff
Posted 27 Apr 12 23:28
Message
Dear Splodge,

Anything wrong with Sudoku?

Yours numberly,
987
654
321

County Down,
Fiji

 
From General Discussion / Daily Telegraph letter...
Posted 27 Apr 12 16:02
Message
The Aussies are pretty useful when it comes to sledging.

I love all the examples on that link.

I'm a big footy fan as well, but footballers are not exactly a cerebral bunch. Witty abuse is not really in their forte.

I'll see if I can find some more. I'm currently en route to me parents house in the Borders on a bus. Just left Edinburgh so I've got 3 hours to fill.

On the plus side, it's me old mans birthday and that means plenty of red wine. It's good for your heart unno.

 
From General Discussion / Daily Telegraph letter...
Posted 27 Apr 12 13:23
Message
Massive cricket fan.

http://www.cricket-game.co.uk/cricket-sledging.htm

Some of the best sledging ever heard.

My particular favourite is Eddo Brandes' response to Glenn McGrath.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Apr 12 00:33
Message
Dear Spoof,

Regarding Chris Moyles regrets letter about his threesome with Kate Humble and a Basque.

Don't tell Chris Packham about it cos he's had his eyes on Kate's "Pyrenees" for a while now. He'll be furious if he finds out. He only took the job on 'Springwatch' so he could ogle Kate up close.

Bird watching? My arse!

Yours oddly,
Bill Oddie,
Up a tree bothering some birds,
Featherstone,
West Yorkshire


 
From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 23:16
Message
Wortho couldn't do acronyms, but he could do other players wives. Allegedly. Peter Shilton had a problem with gambling which left him owing other players rather a lot of cash. Ahhh, those were the days.

Acting Wing Commander/Oooo Matron,
Suicide Simon

 
From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 19:55
Message
A good old playboy footballer was Frank "Elvis" Worthington. I read his autobiography 'One hump or two?' I met him on a train once. He was hammered and wearing a terrible sweater. Still a legend though.

Acting Wing Commander/Oooo Matron
Suicide Simon

 
From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 18:53
Message
Skoob,

Slather is my middle name. Well, Peter is my real middle name but you know what I mean.
I was Leicestershire schools slatherer of the year, every year from 1990 to 1995 so I feel my credentials are top notch.

Acting Wing Commander/Oooo Matron,
Suicide Simon

 
From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 18:25
Message
Colonel,

I would be honoured to take the role of matron. One specification I would make is that everyone should address me as "Oooo matron."

Acting wing commander you say. Happy to do that as well. Although I'm not sure the wings will listen to me.

Acting Wing Commander/Matron,
Suicide Simon

 
From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 17:41
Message
Colonel,

There are four pairs of bullet proof socks. If there are more than four of us we'll have to split the pairs up. Those of us with one sock will have to hop around on one foot to be on the safe side.

Suicide Simon

 
From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 16:55
Message
I have just managed to acquire some bullet proof socks off of a woman on ebay. They'll be handy if things get a bit sticky. She says she'll drop them off at the boozer. I might be a bit late, if she gets there before me you'll know it's her because she'll be the one disguised as a hand grenade. She also goes by the name Millie Tent.

 
From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 16:19
Message
I have a flame thrower....well actually it's a can of Lynx and a lighter. Shall I bring it anyway?

Suicide Simon

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 24 Apr 12 22:56
Message
NUTS! Underwear tightening slightly.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 24 Apr 12 19:49
Message
Georgia excites overly randy, geographically interested adults.

 
From General Discussion / Party Politics
Posted 24 Apr 12 17:09
Message
Politicians irritate Simon Saunders.

PISS.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 23 Apr 12 22:10
Message
Shite heckles infuriate theatre entertainers

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 22 Apr 12 18:37
Message
Surprise undressings reveal possibly reprehensible, improper sexual emotions.

 
From General Discussion / The Posting Whilst Taking A Number Of Powerful Laxatives Thread
Posted 22 Apr 12 16:54
Message
Door opens outwards, revolving?

 
From General Discussion / The Posting Whilst Taking A Number Of Powerful Laxatives Thread
Posted 22 Apr 12 16:28
Message
I used to use laxatives quite a bit. I don't think the wife believed me though because she keeps telling me I'm full of shit.

*Watches tumbleweed blow across my path*

I don't know why I bother.


 
From General Discussion / Clive been quiet recently?
Posted 20 Apr 12 16:01
Message
According to my Martian informant, Mr Danton is on a tour of the universe. He reliably informs me that Mr Danton is spreading his unique brand of thoughtful and mature humour to the other planets. Lucky them!

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Unfinished poetry
Posted 20 Apr 12 03:04
Message
A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad
His face turned red
As he swallowed the head
What a sorry little episode

 
From General Discussion / Highly idealistic charity shop donation?
Posted 19 Apr 12 19:07
Message
I bet by the time the police were alerted the street value of the cannabis was significantly lower then when it was found. Or maybe I'm just a cynical sod!
Also, how does the Lorraine lady know what freshly picked cannabis smells like?

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Apr 12 20:10
Message
Dear Spoof,

Please inform Mr Biber that I would join him for a pint but I can't because I am still barred from every pub in the universe.

Arthur Lager
Dodgy Ken's off licence
Namibia

 
14 Pages - «« « 9 10 [11] 12 13 » »»
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