All times are GMT

Forum Home / Forum posts by Simon Saunders

14 Pages - «« « 9 10 [11] 12 13 » »»
From General Discussion / things my kid says
Posted 8 May 12 05:13
I was sitting at our breakfast table one morning when my daughter said to me, "Mummy said that you're not my real daddy."

Laugh? I nearly passed my fags around.

Kids eh! Who'd 'ave 'em? Well, apparently not me.

PS. This is a complete fabrication except that I do have a daughter.

The other posts are funny though.

From General Discussion / Epitaph
Posted 6 May 12 23:03
Mine will say.....

"I'm watching you."


"I never liked you."

From General Discussion / Let's Forget About Acronyms
Posted 6 May 12 01:50
I may very well walk backwards for Christmas.

From General Discussion / It's Cup Final Day! Huzzah! Huzzah!....No Honest. It is!!!
Posted 5 May 12 10:00
I don't know about you, but I miss the days of "Dishy" Des Lynam and Jimmy "The Twat with the chin" Hill.

Even though my beloved Leicester City haven't been in a final since 1969, I still used to wake up all excited on cup final day. I get more excited now on bin day.

I'll still watch it though. And dream of Des and Jimmy with John Motson's commentary running in the background.

I wonder who'll get to wear the lid of the cup as a hat this year.

Jumpers for goalposts. Etc.

Terry Venables has written an article? I suspect that may be a lie as I know for a fact that he can't write. I once asked him for his autograph outside the High court but he ignored my book and pen and gobbed right in my eye. What more proof do you need?!

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 5 May 12 09:35
Dear Spoof,

Maggot's DIY bank holiday weekend reminded me of an incident a few years ago.

I'd been out to Coffins-R-Us to get the missus a build-it-yerself death box, on the sly mind, didn't want the silly moo knowing cos it was going to be a surprise for her birthday. I was always nice to her like that.

Anyhow, A few days before the wretched woman's birthday I thought to meself, "Build it today, hide it in the shed." So I did.

So the day of her birthday arrived, (someday in June, or was it May? I never could remember.) and I went to get the stiffy storer from the shed. As I wheeled it into the house the missus was beside herself with excitement. As she unwrapped it her face dropped quicker than an Essex girls knickers. She screamed and bawled, "What the fuck do you call this? Are you having a pissing laugh?"

I thought I was being practical but you know what women are like.

She wouldn't let the coffin thing go. Eventually I devised a cunning plan to get her to shut her overworked gob, at least for half an hour or so, so I could have some bloody peace.

She had arrived back from Woolies in a surprisingly chipper mood after
somehow managing to get a refund on some partially digested Easter eggs. Since she was in a good mood I thought I'd bring up the coffin, I asked her if she wouldn't mind climbing inside it so I could check she fitted in it, if not I'd make the necessary alterations. She agreed. As she climbed in with her back turned, I grabbed the lid and screwed it down (the lid, not the wife.)

Ah, half an hours peace and quiet, I thought. I got so carried away with the lack of nagging I completely forgot she was in the coffin and went on a two day bender (he was called Karl.) When I got home and saw the coffin I panicked. How could I be so stupid? She was dead. I buried her in the garden next to the hamster, it's what she would've wanted.(To be buried next to the hamster, not to be dead. She definetely didn't want to be dead.)

We both have a good laugh about it now. Well, not so much her, but I tell the story to the kids every Christmas and we have a good chuckle about my forgetfulness.

Satan's bottom,
Just off the M69, near Coventry.

From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 16:52
As my wife left for work this morning I told her I loved her. She then turned to me and asked , "How come you only say nice things to me when I'm leaving?"
"Cos that's when I like you best." I replied.

From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 10:55
I bought some nails last week.

I think I might take 'em back to the shop 'cos they keep getting hammered.

From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 10:51
Some kid keeps tapping my windows

I told him, I said, "Look son (cos he's my boy), if you need money ask me. The windows are broke anyway."

From General Discussion / Alphabet Story
Posted 4 May 12 03:42

Alice Berated Charles' Dance, Endeavouring False Gesticulations Hampered

From General Discussion / Alphabet Story
Posted 4 May 12 01:03

From General Discussion / And now for something completely different
Posted 4 May 12 00:49
My phone rang tonight.

I've no idea what it wanted.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 3 May 12 22:33
Dear Spoof,

My staff have alerted me to the theft of Miss Abigail Sailaway's virginity. What the bloody hell they are doing on this website I've no idea. It makes a change from the usual porno sites I catch them on. Anyway, that's besides the point, I'll deal with the work shy ninnies later.

On to the matter in hand.

May I reassure her that I and my orificers will search high and low (and in the middle) for it until we locate it.

Searching for virginities is something of a hobby of mine as well. Although I seldom find any these days. I blame Ken Barlow myself.

I hope that we can find your virginity intact.

Chief Inspector Cherry
Clitheroe Police Station
Ribbed Valley

From General Discussion / Dear Spoff
Posted 3 May 12 21:21
Dear Splagagoogoo,

Give me back my knighthood please. I'm lonely without it.

Fred the Thread
Director of Operations
Royal Bank of Sperm (RBS)

From General Discussion / The Wise Men
Posted 3 May 12 18:14
I always thought the three wise men were; Ernie, Dennis and that fella Ray (off of 'Twin Peaks).

From News Discussion / Murdoch "Unfit To Run News Corp" Claim MPs
Posted 3 May 12 15:46
Ta very much.

Since I wrote it all my voicemails have been mysteriously disappearing. Very odd!


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 2 May 12 18:18
Dear Spoof,

Has anyone else noticed the uncanny resemblence between Arsene Wenger and one of the puppets off of the Wonga advert?
Maybe it is intentional given Prof Wengers surname.

Percy Van Robin

From News Discussion / Jordan To Marry Again, Divorce Lawyer Orders New Yacht
Posted 30 Apr 12 16:28
Cheers Skoob.

As a seasoned cynic I suspect this is all about publicity for Jordan.
I don't really follow the whole "celebrity" thing, but she does appear to have been rather quiet this last year.

I really wouldn't be surprised if she's just looking to boost her profile.

As you may have guessed already, I am not a fan of hers.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 Apr 12 01:30
Dear Spoof,

I was recently challenged by a fellow officer to chop off both my arms with a meat cleaver.

I had no problem chopping off my left arm. However, at this point I realised, much to my embarrassment, that I couldn't chop off my remaining arm because I had nothing with which I could hold the meat cleaver.

I feel like such a fool. I have been unable to return to the officers mess since the incident. Any advice would be welcome.

Major I.Diot
The Army,

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 28 Apr 12 14:04
Dear Spoof,

As a British national with Chinese blood I have encountered some of the usual racist stuff you get from beery neandathals down our way.

I was waiting in line for my name to be called at the local brothel (it's a very formal knocking shop) and the new receptionist kept looking up from her desk and pointing at me while laughing.

Eventually my name was called, happy days I thought. For some reason all the "working" girls came running out of their boudoirs and towards the receptionist.

I still don't know why.

Yours suspiciously,

Hugh Suk Cok
South Yorkshire.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoff
Posted 27 Apr 12 23:28
Dear Splodge,

Anything wrong with Sudoku?

Yours numberly,

County Down,

From General Discussion / Daily Telegraph letter...
Posted 27 Apr 12 16:02
The Aussies are pretty useful when it comes to sledging.

I love all the examples on that link.

I'm a big footy fan as well, but footballers are not exactly a cerebral bunch. Witty abuse is not really in their forte.

I'll see if I can find some more. I'm currently en route to me parents house in the Borders on a bus. Just left Edinburgh so I've got 3 hours to fill.

On the plus side, it's me old mans birthday and that means plenty of red wine. It's good for your heart unno.

From General Discussion / Daily Telegraph letter...
Posted 27 Apr 12 13:23
Massive cricket fan.

Some of the best sledging ever heard.

My particular favourite is Eddo Brandes' response to Glenn McGrath.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Apr 12 00:33
Dear Spoof,

Regarding Chris Moyles regrets letter about his threesome with Kate Humble and a Basque.

Don't tell Chris Packham about it cos he's had his eyes on Kate's "Pyrenees" for a while now. He'll be furious if he finds out. He only took the job on 'Springwatch' so he could ogle Kate up close.

Bird watching? My arse!

Yours oddly,
Bill Oddie,
Up a tree bothering some birds,
West Yorkshire

From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 23:16
Wortho couldn't do acronyms, but he could do other players wives. Allegedly. Peter Shilton had a problem with gambling which left him owing other players rather a lot of cash. Ahhh, those were the days.

Acting Wing Commander/Oooo Matron,
Suicide Simon

From General Discussion / Read all about it!
Posted 25 Apr 12 19:55
A good old playboy footballer was Frank "Elvis" Worthington. I read his autobiography 'One hump or two?' I met him on a train once. He was hammered and wearing a terrible sweater. Still a legend though.

Acting Wing Commander/Oooo Matron
Suicide Simon

14 Pages - «« « 9 10 [11] 12 13 » »»
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

Go to top

Who is online?

There are no registered users currently online.

Profile Featured Writer

W.P. Wonder
W.P. Wonder
Joined: 19 July 2009
Stories Written: 14
72 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more