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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Apr 12 16:51
Message
Dear Spoof,

I recently spent a long weekend in Ibiza having a well earned ecstasy fuelled rest. On my "trip" I encountered a rowdy bunch of ne'er do wells each sporting an "I Love Spoofs" t-shirt (at least I think it said "spoofs").
Their behaviour was outrageous.They were reciting obscene Limericks, urinating in other peoples pockets (I believe it's known as a "hot pocket"), and taunting some elderly coffin dodgers.
I confronted the group and asked them what they were doing. According to them, they were on an all expenses paid fact finding mission for this revered website. They claimed to be writers for said website.
I feel it is my duty as a moaning twat to inform you of your writers behaviour on our money.
I shall cancel my subsciption unless I receive a suitable explanation forthwith.

Yours peskily,
Mr B.Harvey
London E17

PS. Does anyone have any ecstasy they could lend me?

 
From General Discussion / My New Poem
Posted 18 Apr 12 16:13
Message
The is a young man from Hale
He's currently out on bail
His crimes were stealing
And a little drug dealing
I suspect he'll end up in jail

Is this what is meant by the term "poetic justice."
I would be grateful if our esteemed Poet Laureate could set the record straight on this one.

 
From General Discussion / Unfinished poetry
Posted 18 Apr 12 15:12
Message
There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
I took her to bed
"What you doing?" she said
As I shot my load in her eye

Note the way I have incorporated speech within this work of literary genius.
If you wish to donate as a show of your delight, make all cheques payable to; Mr Gary Shampoo Esq.

The pleasure is all mine.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Apr 12 02:56
Message
Dear Spoof,

May I say that I totally disagree with Andre Peter regarding this marvellous thread.
I find it to be thought provoking. I believe it is also morally and culturally important to the world of literature.
On the other hand I may be talking complete and utter bollocks. It wouldn't be the first time, so I'm told.

Trevor Dildo
56 Perineum Close
Budapest
Israel


 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 20:59
Message
I once had a neighbour called Hannah
A lady with a pleasant manner
She loved to screw
In the outside loo
And she diddles herself with a spanner.

Paul Theotherone
Toolbox Lane
Beirut

 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 20:32
Message
Greetings card scribbler? I've never been so offended. Mind you, I don't get out much.

Mr Clinton Card
Vajazzle Passage
Pratshire



 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 20:05
Message
I knew a young bloke called Russell
His life was all hustle and bustle
Then he met his pretty wife
Who now keeps him out of strife
By massaging his oversize love muscle

 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 19:47
Message
I fancied a girl called Teresa
Her favourite band was Weezer
She strung me along
And wouldn't fiddle with my schlong
She really was a prick teaser.

 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 19:35
Message
Funny that, I was thinking of Tom Stoppard as I scribbled it down.
Not in a gay way though.

 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 18:47
Message
I met a young lady called Lucy
Her thighs looked lovely and juicy
Up to her flat we did rock
Where she whipped out her cock
Turns out her real name was Brucie

I get a strange warm feeling inside when I write these. I can't decide if it represents pride or shame.

 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 18:29
Message
There was a young lady called Lizzie
She was considered by most to be dizzy
Her fella felt randy
So he had a hand shandy
And now her tits are all jizzy.

No need to applaud this poetry masterpiece.
My mother would be so proud if she read this.

 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 16:55
Message
There was an old slapper from Crewe
She stuck her flaps together with glue
To prise them apart
She tried to fanny fart
It went wrong now she's covered in poo.

I can only apologise for my gutter mouth (and brain, such as it is)

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 16 Apr 12 19:14
Message
Dear Spoof,

In response to the scrotums/scrota question from Floribel Smibbett.
I believe the correct word is ballbags.

Yours wordily,

Mr Samuel Johnson LLD MA,
15 Dictionary Corner,
Countdown Moors

 
From General Discussion / Jobs
Posted 14 Apr 12 02:43
Message
I tried my hand as a parrots interpreter. I gave it up because it was very repetative.

 
From General Discussion / Jobs
Posted 14 Apr 12 02:23
Message
I was a professional skier for a few years. It was all downhill from there.
I was a snooker pro as well but I quit because I got bored of all the cueing.
I tried being a deep sea diver but quickly realised I was out of my depth.

 
From General Discussion / Jobs
Posted 13 Apr 12 06:26
Message
I used to make 'Dead End' signs for the Highways agency. I quit because the career was going nowhere.

 
From General Discussion / Jobs
Posted 13 Apr 12 06:10
Message
I used to be Paul Daniels' glamourous assistant but I quit when the job lost it's magic.
I used to make ladders for a living. It was a step up from all my other jobs.
I worked for the HMRC but I had to leave because it was just too taxing.
I had a job as a delivery man for a brewery. That was a barrel of laughs.
It was like having all your birthdays and Christmasses at once when I worked for Clinton cards.
I used to work on a telephone switchboard. I gave it up because it wasn't my true calling in life.
I once trained guide dogs for the blind. I quit because I couldn't see a future in it.

Please forgive all my awful puns!

 
From General Discussion / Jobs
Posted 12 Apr 12 22:21
Message
I tried drug dealing but I had to stop because I made a complete hash of it.

 
From General Discussion / Jobs
Posted 12 Apr 12 21:53
Message
I worked as a cleaner for Ferrari in their F1 wind tunnel. Some of the technology blew me away.
I used to make Oxo cubes for a living. It was a high pressure environment. Eventually I crumbled under the pressure.

 
From General Discussion / Jobs
Posted 12 Apr 12 21:20
Message
I was a hairdresser for a while, but I gave it up because I wasn't cut out for it.
I tried being a rent boy too, but I had to give it up when I bought a house.
I considered being a glass blower but I couldn't find any glass that I fancied.
I was a refuse collector for a while but it was rubbish so I quit.
I was a cow psychiatrist for a couple of years, a very mooooving job it was.
A sheep hired me as his agent, I had to quit because there was baaaaarely any money in it.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 11 Apr 12 00:09
Message
Dear Spoof,

In recent days I have been taking my approval responsibilities very seriously. Imagine my extreme disappointment to find that almost half the stories I've read have had no tags. This has caused me untold health problems. In the last three days alone I have had fourteen heart attacks as a result of tagless stories. Today I was doing my approvals while anxiously clenching my buttocks in anticipation of tagless stories. When I read the first one and found it devoid of tags I let out a massive scream and reverse clenched my arse cheeks causing a very messy rectal prolapse. My new rug is completely ruined and my poor little dog is now in therapy as a consequence of witnessing my rectal prolaspe.

Can something be done about the tag situation as my doctor reckons my next heart attack will be my last, and not in a good way.

Yours tightchestedly,
Ann Gina,
69 Anal Cul-de-sac,
Crapchester,
Hertattackfordshire.


 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Mar 12 01:47
Message
Dear Spoof,

I have just read an article on the BBC red button about a Nottinghamshire gentleman whose toe was torn off by an escalator in the West End Arcade.
I believe one of your esteemed writers, a certain Mr Inchcock, is from the Nottingham area and has a history of being caught up in rather unfortunate incidents similar to the one I described above. I would be most grateful if you could relay this letter to Mr Inchcock and reassure me that he is not missing a toe.
Many thankings.

Toby Sore,
24 Glen Close,
Gimpshire



 
From General Discussion / I've Got A New Blue Mug
Posted 18 Mar 12 01:22
Message
I am a mug.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 15 Mar 12 19:16
Message
Dear Spoof,

When it comes to wonky left eyes I am the King. Although I have noticed one or two bloody foreigners who come close. However, they don't count because they're not English like me so are ineligable.

Yours intolerently,
Nick Griffin MEP,
Little England,
European Parliament,
Brussels.

PS. Does any want to buy some Swastika armbands? Fiver each. No time wasters.

 
From News Discussion / Rolling Stones Set To Tour On The Moon
Posted 15 Mar 12 18:55
Message
Not the first time I've missed a trick when writing a story. I must confess that research is a not my strongest skill. I'm a bit lazy to be honest!

Simon.

 
13 Pages - «« « 9 10 [11] 12 13 »
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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