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From General Discussion / What happened to queen mudder and Monkey Woods?
Posted 27 Aug 15 23:35
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QM hasn't written anything here since early July. No idea where she is.

Monkey Woods pops up in the forums occasionally but hasn't written anything here since May.

 
From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 25 Aug 15 19:35
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Ellie,

The anatomy and life cycle of a cricket is probably easier to explain than the sport of cricket.

 
From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 22 Aug 15 17:01
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Victor,

Include the Duckworth Lewis method. No one who understands that. Even cricket lovers like myself.

 
From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 19 Aug 15 16:31
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The short answer is no.

Having said that, they do have a national team and local clubs. Membership is largely made up of people with Indian, Pakistani and Caribbean heritage.

I looked into it a few years ago when I was planning on moving to Seattle.

The national team recently beat Jersey.

I've tried explaining cricket to American friends and ended up becoming so perplexed by their questions I gave up.

 
From General Discussion / RIP David Nobbs
Posted 9 Aug 15 22:37
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Not the cheeriest topic I know.

Very sad to hear the news of David Nobbs' death.

A very fine comedy writer.



 
From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 3 Aug 15 11:09
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Rick Santorum and a psychiatric nurse. The nurse could pump him full of meds when he has one of his funny turns.

 
From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 2 Aug 15 02:20
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Chris Christie and a Krispy Cream doughnut as VP.

Nah, scrap that as well. Christie would end up going down in history as the only president to eat his VP.

 
From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 2 Aug 15 02:16
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Katy Perry could keep Rick Perry in check by squirting him with cream from her bra when he steps out of line.

Actually, scrap that. He'd probably enjoy it. I know I would.

 
From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 1 Aug 15 19:44
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Rick Santorum should pick Dolly Parton.

Might help distract from his views if she burst into song every time he said something questionable.

She'd be doing lots of singing.

 
From Magazine Discussion / My Mother Was A Margarine Smuggler
Posted 29 Jul 15 23:55
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I did more than blink, I can tell you.

The swines didn't even bother lubing up the rubber glove with margarine first.

 
From News Discussion / Labour Leadership Candidate Secretly Filmed At Tory Fundraiser
Posted 29 Jul 15 14:51
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Bit of shameless self promotion I'm afraid.

I bunged this load of old tat up on a Private Eye post on Facebook.

None other than Charles Shaar Murray commented on it. He said it was "S-A-T-I-R-E." Although it could be sarcasm.

I think he thought that I thought it was for real. Probably didn't realise I'd written it. Not that I'm proud of it.

Made my day that has.

 
From News Discussion / McDonalds to Hire 500 Chimpanzees In 250 Test Stores
Posted 29 Jul 15 14:43
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Not sure if it's racist or satirising racism.

Either way, I believe the writer got the boot a wee while ago.

 
From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 25 Jul 15 12:41
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While researching (well, a quick look at her Wikipedia page) I noticed Labour leadership hopeful Liz Kendall used to date Greg Davies off of 'Man Down.'

Not a couple I can imagine together.

Well, I can, but I'd rather not.

 
From General Discussion / Comedic trolling
Posted 25 Jul 15 12:36
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That's a very good one. Particularly like the one about someone dying in the restroom.

I think there's one on Twitter for Lidl or Aldi. That's pretty good too.

 
From Magazine Discussion / My Mother Was A Margarine Smuggler
Posted 22 Jul 15 13:50
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I was pulled to one side at SeaTac airport years ago by border control.

They took my bag and rifled through it. Only problem was, it was my girlfriends bag (our bags were identical.)

Imagine my embarrassment when the officer quizzed me about the frilly knickers and peekaboo bra's.

"It's not my bag!" I pleaded. "It's my girlfriends!"

The didn't listen. I can't even look at a rubber glove these days without breaking out into a cold sweat.

Bastards.

 
From News Discussion / Trump Channels Barry White at Campaign Event
Posted 22 Jul 15 13:28
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Enjoyed this one. A bit mad but I like that.

Does anyone know why Trump does that pout? Is it a medical condition?

 
From News Discussion / "Queen Not A Nazi," Says Unconvincing Palace Spokesman
Posted 22 Jul 15 13:24
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My lawyers have advised me not to sue on the grounds that I'd have no chance of winning because they're useless lawyers.

I don't know why I pay them. I'll never learn.

 
From General Discussion / Comedic trolling
Posted 22 Jul 15 12:42
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We've probably all come across Jimmy Kimmel's 'Mean Tweets' bit on his show over in the good old USA. If you haven't, look it up on YouTube. It's basically celebrities reading out horrible, but funny, tweets that people have written about them. Even President Obama has appeared.

Has anyone got any examples of funny trolling? Perhaps you've been subjected to some yourself or are a purveyor of comedic trolling yourself.

 
From News Discussion / "Queen Not A Nazi," Says Unconvincing Palace Spokesman
Posted 19 Jul 15 09:01
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I've just seen the front page of todays Sunday Express.

They've gone with a story about how it's definitely a wave, not a Nazi salute.

Hahahaha.

Should I sue?

 
From General Discussion / Home for Writers etc
Posted 18 Jul 15 10:27
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I think I'm funny. I'm on tablets y'know.

Honestly, I prefer to let others decide whether I'm funny or not.

 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 23:14
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I'm bored with you now Dave.

Think I'll go and tell some crappy old jokes to my unborn great grandchildren who think I'm great even though they don't exist yet.

Anyone got a time machine? I've got to get back to the Vaudeville days before Sunday otherwise I'll turn into a shit shovelling old git. Again.

Night night. Don't let the professional writers bite.

 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 15:38
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Dave, your last but one post is unreadable.

Also, you're making yourself look very silly.

I'm not an old man. I'm 36.

You really are a prize pillock.



 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 10:37
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Just had a wee peek at your webpage Dave. You say you're a pro?

If so, then there's hope for us all.

 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 09:22
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Ey up Mr Woods.


I'll have you know I'm regarded as "the loser" in some circles, and some squares.

 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 00:43
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Dave, why do you come here if you think it's so awful? It's like going to a terrible pub and complaining about it when you could go to a pub down the road you love. Unless you're barred from the pub you love of course.

You claim to be a professional writer. Any professional worth his salt would never mock other writers in such a pathetic way.

 
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