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From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 23:14
Message
I'm bored with you now Dave.

Think I'll go and tell some crappy old jokes to my unborn great grandchildren who think I'm great even though they don't exist yet.

Anyone got a time machine? I've got to get back to the Vaudeville days before Sunday otherwise I'll turn into a shit shovelling old git. Again.

Night night. Don't let the professional writers bite.

 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 15:38
Message
Dave, your last but one post is unreadable.

Also, you're making yourself look very silly.

I'm not an old man. I'm 36.

You really are a prize pillock.



 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 10:37
Message
Just had a wee peek at your webpage Dave. You say you're a pro?

If so, then there's hope for us all.

 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 09:22
Message
Ey up Mr Woods.


I'll have you know I'm regarded as "the loser" in some circles, and some squares.

 
From News Discussion / Onion offers To Buy Out Spoof and Eliminate Embarrassing Satire
Posted 17 Apr 15 00:43
Message
Dave, why do you come here if you think it's so awful? It's like going to a terrible pub and complaining about it when you could go to a pub down the road you love. Unless you're barred from the pub you love of course.

You claim to be a professional writer. Any professional worth his salt would never mock other writers in such a pathetic way.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 7 Dec 12 19:04
Message
Dear Spoof,

On a slightly different note I've just been watching the ITV news and they had a report about gay marriage.

They then had three people talking about it. A spokesman from gay rights group Stonewall called Sam Dick. Then two Tory MP's, Mark Pritchard and Peter Bone.

Is someone at ITV taking the piss?

Yours childishly,
Hugh Arse,
Isle of Man,
Lebanon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 4 Dec 12 17:53
Message

Quote: IainB

Dear Spoof....

Is this dress too short?

Yours, Debbie

c/o
Canal Street
Manchesdter


Dear Spoof,

Please inform the previous correspondent that her dress is not too short.

In my opinion it is far too long.

Sincerely,

Mr P. Ervert,
Smutstown,
Muckyshire.

 
From News Discussion / 'The Spoof' Facing Backlash After Damning Leveson Report
Posted 4 Dec 12 06:46
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Thanks guys.

I had a laugh writing it.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 3 Dec 12 18:49
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Dear Spoof,

Regarding Skoobs comments.

Here here.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Worrying Statistics
Posted 3 Dec 12 15:06
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1 out of 1 Simon's reckon 99% of statistics are a load of old bollocks.

I know this is true because I just made it up.

Simon the statistician

 
From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 2 Dec 12 23:37
Message
James sounds like a smashing chap.

It does beg the question........what's he doing being your friend?



Only kidding Clive.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Advent calendar
Posted 2 Dec 12 22:01
Message
Arm,

I saw some "alternative" advent calenders today while out shopping.

I found them in WHSmith's behind all the usual ones.

I say it's alternative, what I really mean is it's pornographic.

I managed to avoid the staff and open all the doors on one to have a closer look. Would you believe it, behind every door is a thumbnail snapshot of Mrs Claus in a variety of provocative poses. One including Rudolph and an oversize festive carrot. The chocolates are equally suggestive.

Disgusting really.

Needless to say I immediately purchased the lot and intend to distribute them to all my elderly relatives.

I won't put a link to the pictures as I'd probably get banned.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 2 Dec 12 21:06
Message
Just read a thing on the BBC website that says 25,000 people in the UK are HIV positive but don't know about it.

Now then, first of all, the Health Protection Agency, who released these figures, need to explain how they compiled the numbers.

Cynic that I am, I reckon they've plucked a number out the air based on the figures for people that know they're HIV positive and ran with it.

If somehow the figures are accurate, and the only way to know they're accurate is for the HPA to know who's affected, then it might be a good idea for the HPA to contact these 25,000 people and give them the news. Otherwise they may unknowingly spread the virus.

My bet is they've just made the numbers up based on some obscure calculation that only they understand, and in reality they have no idea how many people are unaware and therefore have no idea who's affected.

Obviously I could be horribly wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.

It's like all these illegal immigration figures. How do the government know the numbers? The whole basis of illegal immigration is the government don't know about you.The only way they could know is if the illegal immigrants rang up the government to tell them.

Hands up if you trust government figures.

*thrusts hands onto the floor*

Simon

PS. Sorry, that was a bit serious. Normal service will be resumed shortly................Boobies.

 
From News Discussion / Andrew Flintoff Fails Breathalyser Test During F1 Debut
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:58
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I can visualise everything wot you writed.

Loved the pic and caption as well.

5!

Simon

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:51
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My TV choice for today is a wonderful spoof.

BBC One @ 9 pm.

The Secret of Crickley Hall.

Excellent spoof of Noel Edmonds' fictional TV village Crinkley Bottom.

The last show in the series sees Noelle Desmond, played by Suranne Jones, discovering devastating information about her son Robbie, played by none other than the legendary Mr Blobby.

Essential viewing.

 
From General Discussion / Overly Effusive Football Chants
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:42
Message
I remember us Leicester fans singing the same thing, obviously the MK Dons bit was replaced with Leicester City, when we escaped relegation to the old third division in 1991 after trouncing the mighty Oxford United on the last day of the season.

Imagine that, the best team in the world narrowly avoiding relegation to the third tier of English football.

Another chant I remember was, "Martin give us a wave, Martin, Martin give us a wave."

There was me thinking twenty thousand Foxes fans were asking Martin O'Neill to give them away. I recollect thinking, "how can he give all these blokes away? He doesn't have time to attend Saturday afternoon weddings what with him being a football manager. There's gonna be a lot of disappointed City fans."

There's at least two reasons why my thoughts were plonkerish. The obvious misunderstanding regarding the chant and who ever heard of a man being given away?!

Silly me.

Simon

PS. Clive, give us away, Clivey, Clivey give us away.

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 2 Dec 12 14:30
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I threw a punch once.

Still haven't found it.

Simon

 
From News Discussion / Bears WR tells Scottish reporter about Viagra use in the NFL
Posted 1 Dec 12 18:43
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Where to start.

Despicable is the only word to describe this "story."

The depiction of my good self in this article as some sort of cross-dressing, genitalia exposing, possibly homosexual man-lady in need of little blue pills to raise "Little Simon" is disturbingly accurate.

However, what I cannot accept is Frankie's scandalous accusation that I'm Scottish. That's just not on. It's true, but that's besides the point.

This sort of shoddy, innuendo laden piece of writing has the potential to ruin my whiter than white reputation.

How could you do this Frankie? I told you all those things in the strictest confidence.

*lifts kilt, revealing crotch, and sobs into his tartan splendor like a little girl*

Just wait till the missus hears about this. She'll be so livid I'll have to pay another visit to the offy for some more gin to help calm her nerves. And you'll be getting the bill Frankie.

5!

Simone

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 1 Dec 12 17:21
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A slight bending of the rules here.

May I suggest an unmissable show on the wireless.

Radio One 9 pm. 'Westwood.'

Tim, the middle aged son of a vicar, continues with the ridiculous charade that he is a black rapper in his 20's by talking like an idiot and wearing ill fitting sportswear.

Comedy gold. If you've seen Ali G you'll love this.

He'll also be playing some hip hop music inbetween his rib-tickling links.

Great.

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 16:59
Message
A current sporting obscenity must be Fernando "El Ninnieo" Torres.

Fifty million sheets for a bloke who couldn't run over a cow with a tractor in a cow shed.

Chelsea woulda been better off bringing Kerry Dixon out of retirement instead.

Simon

PS. Clive. The Flintoff story is a sure fire winner. It make me weep with joy.

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:17
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Just read the Flintoff story Clive.

Had me chuckling. Loved the pic and caption.

Simon

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:11
Message
I've watched the fight and it was pretty poor.

Barely any punches connected. Flintoffs opponent threw about 5 meaningful punches and knocked Freddie down with one of them.

Flintoff showed intent and spent most the fight on the front foot. The other guy didn't. Hence Flintoff won on points.

Now if this guy he fought has hands of steel and a bad attitude then I'm a Dutchman. The two opponents he's beaten, knocking one of them unconscious and damaging the others ribs I can only assume they were made of polystyrene.

All this nonsense about Flintoff bringing shame on the boxing world. What about all the idiots like Tyson, Chisora, Foreman boxing at 50, Ricky Hattons pointless comeback. The list goes on

Flintoff is trying his hand at it and he won. The one who should hang his head in shame is the other guy who showed hardly any desire whatsoever.

I can't help feeling that some people in the press have the attitude "he's been a huge success in one sport so he thinks he can be a success in another. How dare he be so arrogant?"

Now, I don't see any point in him continuing. He's never gonna win any belts so why bother. I just think people, particularly the press and boxing community, should get off his back. If I were them I'd be more worried about the state of British boxing which is a bit shameful itself.

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 1 Dec 12 03:20
Message
You'll have to be quick to catch tonights televisual delight.

9 pm on BBC 2 Scotland.

Scotland's Greatest Warrior.

The heartwarming story of Wee Jimmy Krankie's rise from council estate ragamuffin to global television star.

Charting her dressing-up-as-a-schoolboy turmoil and how she used it to her advantage by creating an unrivalled comedy double act with her creepy husband Iain.

Truly the greatest warrior Scotland has ever produced.

 
From General Discussion / Christmas? Bah Humbug!
Posted 1 Dec 12 01:35
Message
I noticed we now have a Christmas look to the site.

Snow flakes and "festive spoof headlines."

Does this mean we have to write Christmas themed old tat until the 25th and do I have to wear a stupid bloody Santa hat with itchy tinsel around the rim while I'm doing it?

Frankly I'd rather cut me baubles off and stick 'em up a turkeys backside. If it wasn't bad enough doing me Christmas shopping today and being bombarded with the usual embolism inducing Christmas tunes, now this. I've already heard Slade's 'Merry Christmas Everyone' six times. Once more and I'll be forced to throttle myself with a Christmas stocking. And not in a pervy way like Clive does.


Christmas? Bollocks more like.

Simon

PS. Merry Christmas.

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 20:58
Message
The 1992 division two play-off final was a true sporting obscenity.

My beloved Leicester City faced the recently Jack Walker-fied Blackburn Rovers at Wembley. My first visit to the hallowed stadium it was.

Imagine my disgust when the diving little shit David Speedie folded like a little girl under a Steve Walsh challenge thus winning a penalty. Said penalty was converted by former Leicester striker Mike Newell.

A double wammy of sporting obscenity.

The irony is Speedie became a Foxes hero when he joined us a couple of years later and helped to secure another play-off final by scoring the winner in the semi's. Then we beat local rivals Derby to make the Premier League. Sweet, sweet victory.

I was also the first person to get his name printed on my shirt after he signed for us.

Fickle? Nah.

 
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