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From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 1 Mar 17 01:34
I'm gonna go with not being born.

From General Discussion / Setting the bar low
Posted 7 Feb 17 03:50
I met Jimmy Saville at my local hospital in a dream.

He didn't even try it on with me.

So, he wasn't all bad. At least, not in dreams.

From General Discussion / Big Watch = Little Dick
Posted 7 Feb 17 03:42
I wear a sundial around my waist.

To be honest it's a right pain trying to tell the time because I have to keep pointing my crotch in the right direction depending on the time of day.

The looks I get from other pedestrians is quite embarrassing.

From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 2 Jan 17 21:14
I'm not sure about the tourism bollards, but, I do know the tourism drive has been conducted from the unrivalled luxury of the back seat of a 1979 Ford Cortina.

Much like the early courting days of me and the missus.

From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 2 Jan 17 13:21
Hull is now UK city of culture. This is why.

From General Discussion / Olympic ceremony?
Posted 13 Aug 16 17:39
I'm looking forward to the synchronised rickshaw burning on Wednesday.

From General Discussion / Why The Success Ratio Of Doomsday Prophecies Is So Low
Posted 28 May 16 00:20
I know exactly when the world will end but I'm keeping it secret.

I'll let you know once it's happened.

Can't say fairer than that.

From General Discussion / My new supermarket
Posted 27 May 16 18:30

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Fresh and Easy recently filed for bankruptcy in America. Have vacant site in my area. Are you sure you Brits are capable of running anything more complicated than a mosque? If so, I can represent you in negotiating purchase or lease.

Please provide financials with full disclosure regarding Panama money laundering operations.

Dr. B

I did open a mosque a while back. It was a time share with a pig slaughterhouse.

It failed quite quickly.

The lesson here is always research the market place thoroughly before spending big money.

Especially when it's related to religion.

From General Discussion / FIFA's a lot of arresting and accepted bold modes
Posted 21 May 16 12:53
FIFA coins? So now they've got their own currency? Must be a money laundering scam if you ask me.

Mind you, what do I know? I still don't understand what bitcoins are. Why would anyone want bits of coins?

From General Discussion / My new supermarket
Posted 10 May 16 22:03

Quote: Monkey Woods

I feel that the location of your shop could be better. Nearer Glasgow might be more suitable.

Otherwise, I think you'll do well.

What time do you start doing the price reductions of near-expiry-date goods in the evening?

Following your advice I've ended negotiations over a building in Edinburgh and I've taken up a lease on an old Little Chef on the M8 half way between Edinburgh and Glasgow. This way I'll either get punters from both cities or none at all. I don't like half measures, as the barmaid at my local boozer will testify to.

As for reductions, well, I shall have them priced up and ready one minute before we shut. They'll be in a cabinet covered with barbed wired and there'll be a land mine under each product. Let's see how much people really want cheap goods. Anyone who loses a limb can have the stuff for free. Can't say fairer than that. Although they may have trouble carrying things.

I don't just throw this stuff together y'know. Lots of thought has gone into it.

From General Discussion / My new supermarket
Posted 29 Apr 16 19:48
I'm opening a mini supermarket in the Edinburgh area, my company motto will be, "If you see any of our products cheaper elsewhere go away and by them there you tight sod."

Not very catchy I grant you, but it conveys the message I want to get across. I'm also banning all children from the premises. I'm not totally heartless so I'll be offering a creche type facility where you can leave your kids. It'll be a shipping container with WWII hand grenades scattered about the place, a cannon stocked with explosives, and a box of matches left nearby.

Also, don't forget, when you hear the beep it means you've triggered the alarm you thieving article. (One for Supermarket Sweep fans there.)

From General Discussion / Books That We've Recently Read
Posted 24 Apr 16 00:21

Quote: Monkey Woods

Your Rockhopper Penguin mention in the other thread reminded me about the biography of Shackleton by Roland Huntford.

A book I couldn't put down. Seriously.

Shackleton, not a trained explorer, often set off on his Antarctic explorations totally unprepared for what was to follow, but, somehow, survived along with ALL of his men.

So, at a time when the Norwegians were setting of with packs of dogs and sleds, Shackleton and his men alighted from the ship and set off walking, and, indeed, almost made it to the South Pole.

Then, on the way back to 'civilisation', he had to leave a large group of men on an island along with a lot of penguins, whilst he sought help. Adventures at sea in what amounted to a piece of wood, are described in detail. There are some great descriptions of the various characters involved, too, and personal anecdotes and diary entries.

Captain Scott was better prepared, having the support of the Admiralty, but fared notably less well, and their rivalry is documented. Mentions of Amundsen, too.

Seek it out.

Shackleton's survival can be directly attributed to his fisherman's friend addiction. Kept him lovely and warm.

From General Discussion / Books That We've Recently Read
Posted 10 Apr 16 16:56
I've just finished Reading For Beginners.

I'll be moving on to the Ladybird collection next. Or maybe the Mr. Men saga.

From General Discussion / Exclusive Preview of My Novel
Posted 8 Apr 16 21:04
Here's an extract from my book.

"Chapter One."

Three years that's taken me. Personally I think it's time well spent.

From General Discussion / Rockhopper Penguins
Posted 7 Apr 16 17:56
I'm an expert on chocolate penguins.

Is this any help?

From General Discussion / EA will be absolute the FIFA 16
Posted 30 Mar 16 13:57
Did Russell Brand write that?

From General Discussion / Pandas
Posted 18 Oct 15 20:45
Maybe the pandas got confused and thought the Chinese governments one child policy applies to them too.

Or maybe not.

From General Discussion / ISIS
Posted 4 Oct 15 16:50
Assad should go for a long walk in a small minefield.

From General Discussion / ISIS
Posted 24 Sep 15 22:27
I'd take in a family of Syrian refugees as long as they agree to do the washing up and take the bins out on Sunday mornings.

I hate Sunday mornings.

From General Discussion / Greece Bailout
Posted 22 Sep 15 20:17
George Michael's certainly been rolling something Victor.

From General Discussion / Greece Bailout
Posted 21 Sep 15 20:42
If they were given a Euro every time a media outlet used the term "Greek tragedy" to describe their predicament they'd be rolling in it.

From General Discussion / What happened to queen mudder and Monkey Woods?
Posted 27 Aug 15 23:35
QM hasn't written anything here since early July. No idea where she is.

Monkey Woods pops up in the forums occasionally but hasn't written anything here since May.

From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 25 Aug 15 19:35

The anatomy and life cycle of a cricket is probably easier to explain than the sport of cricket.

From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 22 Aug 15 17:01

Include the Duckworth Lewis method. No one who understands that. Even cricket lovers like myself.

From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 19 Aug 15 16:31
The short answer is no.

Having said that, they do have a national team and local clubs. Membership is largely made up of people with Indian, Pakistani and Caribbean heritage.

I looked into it a few years ago when I was planning on moving to Seattle.

The national team recently beat Jersey.

I've tried explaining cricket to American friends and ended up becoming so perplexed by their questions I gave up.

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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