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From General Discussion / My new supermarket
Posted 29 Apr 16 19:48
I'm opening a mini supermarket in the Edinburgh area, my company motto will be, "If you see any of our products cheaper elsewhere go away and by them there you tight sod."

Not very catchy I grant you, but it conveys the message I want to get across. I'm also banning all children from the premises. I'm not totally heartless so I'll be offering a creche type facility where you can leave your kids. It'll be a shipping container with WWII hand grenades scattered about the place, a cannon stocked with explosives, and a box of matches left nearby.

Also, don't forget, when you hear the beep it means you've triggered the alarm you thieving article. (One for Supermarket Sweep fans there.)

From General Discussion / Books That We've Recently Read
Posted 24 Apr 16 00:21

Quote: Monkey Woods

Your Rockhopper Penguin mention in the other thread reminded me about the biography of Shackleton by Roland Huntford.

A book I couldn't put down. Seriously.

Shackleton, not a trained explorer, often set off on his Antarctic explorations totally unprepared for what was to follow, but, somehow, survived along with ALL of his men.

So, at a time when the Norwegians were setting of with packs of dogs and sleds, Shackleton and his men alighted from the ship and set off walking, and, indeed, almost made it to the South Pole.

Then, on the way back to 'civilisation', he had to leave a large group of men on an island along with a lot of penguins, whilst he sought help. Adventures at sea in what amounted to a piece of wood, are described in detail. There are some great descriptions of the various characters involved, too, and personal anecdotes and diary entries.

Captain Scott was better prepared, having the support of the Admiralty, but fared notably less well, and their rivalry is documented. Mentions of Amundsen, too.

Seek it out.

Shackleton's survival can be directly attributed to his fisherman's friend addiction. Kept him lovely and warm.

From General Discussion / Books That We've Recently Read
Posted 10 Apr 16 16:56
I've just finished Reading For Beginners.

I'll be moving on to the Ladybird collection next. Or maybe the Mr. Men saga.

From General Discussion / Exclusive Preview of My Novel
Posted 8 Apr 16 21:04
Here's an extract from my book.

"Chapter One."

Three years that's taken me. Personally I think it's time well spent.

From General Discussion / Rockhopper Penguins
Posted 7 Apr 16 17:56
I'm an expert on chocolate penguins.

Is this any help?

From General Discussion / EA will be absolute the FIFA 16
Posted 30 Mar 16 13:57
Did Russell Brand write that?

From General Discussion / Pandas
Posted 18 Oct 15 20:45
Maybe the pandas got confused and thought the Chinese governments one child policy applies to them too.

Or maybe not.

From General Discussion / ISIS
Posted 4 Oct 15 16:50
Assad should go for a long walk in a small minefield.

From General Discussion / ISIS
Posted 24 Sep 15 22:27
I'd take in a family of Syrian refugees as long as they agree to do the washing up and take the bins out on Sunday mornings.

I hate Sunday mornings.

From General Discussion / Greece Bailout
Posted 22 Sep 15 20:17
George Michael's certainly been rolling something Victor.

From General Discussion / Greece Bailout
Posted 21 Sep 15 20:42
If they were given a Euro every time a media outlet used the term "Greek tragedy" to describe their predicament they'd be rolling in it.

From General Discussion / What happened to queen mudder and Monkey Woods?
Posted 27 Aug 15 23:35
QM hasn't written anything here since early July. No idea where she is.

Monkey Woods pops up in the forums occasionally but hasn't written anything here since May.

From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 25 Aug 15 19:35

The anatomy and life cycle of a cricket is probably easier to explain than the sport of cricket.

From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 22 Aug 15 17:01

Include the Duckworth Lewis method. No one who understands that. Even cricket lovers like myself.

From General Discussion / Can cricket be explained to Americans?
Posted 19 Aug 15 16:31
The short answer is no.

Having said that, they do have a national team and local clubs. Membership is largely made up of people with Indian, Pakistani and Caribbean heritage.

I looked into it a few years ago when I was planning on moving to Seattle.

The national team recently beat Jersey.

I've tried explaining cricket to American friends and ended up becoming so perplexed by their questions I gave up.

From General Discussion / RIP David Nobbs
Posted 9 Aug 15 22:37
Not the cheeriest topic I know.

Very sad to hear the news of David Nobbs' death.

A very fine comedy writer.

From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 3 Aug 15 11:09
Rick Santorum and a psychiatric nurse. The nurse could pump him full of meds when he has one of his funny turns.

From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 2 Aug 15 02:20
Chris Christie and a Krispy Cream doughnut as VP.

Nah, scrap that as well. Christie would end up going down in history as the only president to eat his VP.

From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 2 Aug 15 02:16
Katy Perry could keep Rick Perry in check by squirting him with cream from her bra when he steps out of line.

Actually, scrap that. He'd probably enjoy it. I know I would.

From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 1 Aug 15 19:44
Rick Santorum should pick Dolly Parton.

Might help distract from his views if she burst into song every time he said something questionable.

She'd be doing lots of singing.

From Magazine Discussion / My Mother Was A Margarine Smuggler
Posted 29 Jul 15 23:55
I did more than blink, I can tell you.

The swines didn't even bother lubing up the rubber glove with margarine first.

From News Discussion / Labour Leadership Candidate Secretly Filmed At Tory Fundraiser
Posted 29 Jul 15 14:51
Bit of shameless self promotion I'm afraid.

I bunged this load of old tat up on a Private Eye post on Facebook.

None other than Charles Shaar Murray commented on it. He said it was "S-A-T-I-R-E." Although it could be sarcasm.

I think he thought that I thought it was for real. Probably didn't realise I'd written it. Not that I'm proud of it.

Made my day that has.

From News Discussion / McDonalds to Hire 500 Chimpanzees In 250 Test Stores
Posted 29 Jul 15 14:43
Not sure if it's racist or satirising racism.

Either way, I believe the writer got the boot a wee while ago.

From General Discussion / Unlikely couples
Posted 25 Jul 15 12:41
While researching (well, a quick look at her Wikipedia page) I noticed Labour leadership hopeful Liz Kendall used to date Greg Davies off of 'Man Down.'

Not a couple I can imagine together.

Well, I can, but I'd rather not.

From General Discussion / Comedic trolling
Posted 25 Jul 15 12:36
That's a very good one. Particularly like the one about someone dying in the restroom.

I think there's one on Twitter for Lidl or Aldi. That's pretty good too.

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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