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From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 18 Jan 13 08:14
Some more:

"No, people shouldn't be able to marry their pets. That's totally Lance."
(Lance Armstrong - wrong)

"I'm off to see a Barack production of Hair."
(Barack Obama - amateur drama)

"I wish China would let Barack back to his homeland of Tibet."
(Barack Obama - the Dalai Lama).

"Oh would you shut up! You're so Hermann!"
(Hermann Goering - boring)

From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 16 Jan 13 18:49
Have you come across any modern examples of Cockney rhyming slang recently? Here are a few that I have overheard on the shaven these last few weeks. (shaven pube = Tube)

"My favourite ever piece of cinematography is that scene in Ben Hur with the Ainsley race" (Ainsley Harriot = chariot)

"The Greek economy is just going round and round in Angelas" (Angela Merkels = circles)

"Armitage a lot for the HMV gift voucher you gave me for Christmas" (Armitage Shanks = thanks)

From General Discussion / Dead as a DoDo!
Posted 15 Jan 13 19:53

Quote: Jaggedone

Iain, at least we can count on us to still have some fun here.

I heard Geoff "Boycott" is still sulking at the wicket waiting for his stump to be pulled...

I heard Geoff Boycott didn't like Chinese food. He would be batting all day long but he never went out for a duck.

(sound of tumbleweed rolling by)

From General Discussion / Happy New Year
Posted 1 Jan 13 10:55

Quote: Ellie James

May 2013 bring you happiness, health and laughter.


Why May 2013? Dec 2012 bring you mange, frostbite and gangrene.

From General Discussion / Who is your favourite/favorite Pole?
Posted 31 Dec 12 23:08
You forgot "my local builder/plumber".

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Dec 12 10:28
Guinea. Under its never-flaccid eaves, aphrodisiacs.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 22 Dec 12 00:24
Dear Spoof,

I have been most disturbed to hear that clues of the recent Mayan Apocalypse can be heard in popular hits from years ago. Most notably I am reminded of Paul Gascoigne's 1990 novelty hit "Fog on the Tyne, it's all Mayan, all Mayan".

However, I believe I have also heard the rumours of the aforementioned earth-wide destruction in other songs such as David Bowie's 1971 hit "Velvet Gold Mayan".

But most disturbing of all, this year I read on the internet that J K Rowling himself has released an e-book under the pseudonym of Adolf Hitler, which is entitled "Mayan Camp".

Such stories make the actual apocalypse look like a damp squib.
Yours, buttered and ready,

Herr Drier Unt Blofeld (retired 2nd class coward, Panzerdivision 73)

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:38
ITV3 4:35 today. Wycliffe.

I was looking forward to seeing a new family sitcom about Wyclef Jean, the rapper famous for saying "One time" in the song "Killing Me Softly" by the Fugees. That could have been his comedy catchphrase in the show. I imagined him going round to the vicar's house and being offered some tea. Then when the vicar asked how many lumps of sugar he wanted he would say "One time" with hilarious results.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out it was just another bloody detective show, with no one-line rappers at all.

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 29 Nov 12 23:22
I was flicking through the channels the other night and came across an amazing fly-on-the-wall World War 2 documentary - in technicolour - called 'Allo 'Allo.

It was a real eye-opener for me. I had no idea that the French Resistance played such a critical role in the war by dressing up in disguise as nuns, smuggling valuable paintings inside sausages stuffed down their trousers, and keeping the Germans distracted with saucy waitresses.

However I had suspected that the Gestapo were all kinky pervs though.

From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 27 Nov 12 22:55
My greatest pleasure is attempting to write a filthy but hilarious spoof that is rammed with double-ended meanings, showing plenty of cheek splattered with innuendo, all the while trying frantically to throttle a persistent pianist who lives downstairs.

Sometimes I even manage to pull it off, and the titters are there to be milked.

From Magazine Discussion / The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: Murder at Black Dog Manor
Posted 9 Nov 12 07:29
There's more here:

An Oriental Adventure

The Case of the Missing Apple

Let me know what you think.

From General Discussion / The Good Old Days
Posted 5 Nov 12 14:07
Nostalgia's not what it used to be.

When I was a chipolata, I remember people talking about the old good old days. The way they spoke back then was so exaggerated and hyperbolic it made today's memories look like last Tuesday's leftovers.

I miss the good old days' nostalgia, not like the fluff you get now.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 27 Oct 12 13:29
Dear Spoof,

I regret to inform you that Dorking rubbish tip is no longer available for our Christmas party. It has been fully booked by the staff of NewsWank, a fellow satirical website who are rather more organised.

However, I have managed to procure a section of a pipe in Dorking sewage system, large enough to seat 37 Spoofers. After entering a manhole near the treatment plant, it is a short walk through knee-deep human waste to the most unique Christmas party location anywhere.

With its unique ambience and scent of effluence, it is sure to make Spoof writers feel right at home. Watch the faecal matter of famous Dorking residents float by as you enjoy your meal. Best of all, you don't even need to get up to go to the toilet.

See you there,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 27 Oct 12 07:02
Dear Spoof,

Further to our earlier correspondence, regrettably Dorking graveyard does not host parties and is therefore ineligible for TheSpoof Christmas party. This is a disappointment as I know how many of you were looking forward to its unique ambience and the grave-robbing party games we could have enjoyed.

I have therefore applied to Dorking rubbish tip to see if they can fit us in at short notice. "The tip" is a treasure trove of the unknown, with a unique ambience and a whiff of the unwanted. I also think that by sitting next to an enormous pile of discarded detritus, our Spoof writers will feel completely at home.

Yours, despairingly,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 27 Oct 12 00:31
Dear Spoof,

I wish to quell any rumours that TheSpoof Christmas Party will be held in Dorking abattoir. Although spacious, pleasantly odourful, and with a gentle ambience, the abattoir has already been booked by Dorking's Cannibal Matinee Club for the week of our party, and for many days afterward while they attempt to purge the premises of any evidence of their depraved acts.
Therefore, I heartily recommend Dorking graveyard for an atmospheric night out for the Christmas Party. Dorking graveyard, what better place is there to spend time with people of Dorking past and present, who will no doubt appreciate the atmosphere of a happening and funky young set of writers who want to take the piss out of the town.

Yours, conditionally,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 22 Oct 12 15:03
Pope Gregory III, for the iconoclastic controversy and for banning the eating of horsemeat.

Also, you know, it's fun to slap a Pope. Better than bashing the bishop anyway.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 20 Oct 12 20:32
Dear Spoof,

If having trouble finding ideas for writing a satirical article, simply copy and paste an existing article from a news website, and randomly insert the word "poo" throughout it. Hilarity will undoubtedly ensue.

Brigadier Matron Persephone Fudge, deceased

From General Discussion / Jaggedone's Book is on the shelves!
Posted 20 Oct 12 13:31
Here's a selection of reviews I found for it.

The Sussex Changer: "Literally pages of words arranged into sentences."
The Dorking Chronicle: "An absorbing read, in the sense that its pages can be used to mop up liquids."
The Cholmley Gazette: "A book."
Horsetroubler Monthly: "Contains no information about troubling horses whatsoever."

From Magazine Discussion / Birdwatching with Bill and Kenneth
Posted 7 Oct 12 16:57

Quote: churchmouse
Whenever I see innuendo I normally whip it out straight away.

I imagined this as a kind of a Two Ronnies sketch. I don't know if that comes across - ooer more innuendo. Well if you ask for it I'll give you one.

From General Discussion / The Coal Hole Firm Cordially Invite You...........
Posted 5 Oct 12 17:36

Quote: Clive Danton

I deliberately withheld the date to prevent any cunts showing up.

You cant be too careful son can you?

I don't understand. I can't imagine anyone turning up who isn't a cunt.

From General Discussion / Why do we get ill?
Posted 5 Oct 12 17:22

Quote: Mark

My stupid body's crapped out on me and decided to give in to the viruses.

You should stay away from those syphilitic harpies.

I caught gonorrhea from just looking at one once, but luckily that was just a dream, so it healed up easily.

From General Discussion / The Coal Hole Firm Cordially Invite You...........
Posted 5 Oct 12 17:20
2.00pm on the 12th of February, 2015? I think I'm washing my hair that day.

From General Discussion / The Hippy thread
Posted 3 Oct 12 12:24
Oh yeah, man! Peace and love. I've got flowers in my hair, although the doctor says it could be a fungal infection.

It's all about the peace and love. Can you feel the love? Can you feel it? Is it in the wrong hole again?

That's all groovy. Nothing really matters, you see, because we're all the same. Every one of us is exactly the same, and we should really embrace that diversity.

Let's get high. I think my hippy name has to be Just Now Weed.

From General Discussion / What's your favourite type of toilet?
Posted 28 Sep 12 21:46
In an attempt to raise the tone and increase the intellectual vigour of our beloved forum, let us turn to lavatorial matters. After all, we all do it and if you use the wrong type it could kill you.
So, what is your favourite type of toilet?

Let me explain the five types as there isn't enough room in the answers:
British: the classic upright loo
German: similar, but with a shelf so you can examine your stool afterwards
French: a hole in the ground
Japanese: with lots of buttons which do bizarre and unspeakable things
Australian: use your hat

From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 28 Sep 12 20:02

Quote: Francois Dubois, S.J.

Tea for Two - Lyrics by Irvine Ceasar, Music by Vincent Youmans, 1925, for musical "No, No, Nanette."

"I can't stop farting" by the Queers.

Yes that is a real song and there is a very obvious link. You see, "Tea for Two" is an anagram of "We fart too", and let's be honest we all do - except for Her Maj, bless her cork-like haemorrhoids.
The human race - we - is constantly farting, and we just can't stop. Hence, I can't stop farting.

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