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From Magazine Discussion / The Somewhat Violent Adventures of Sherlock Hunt: Murder at Black Dog Manor
Posted 9 Nov 12 07:29
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There's more here:

An Oriental Adventure

The Case of the Missing Apple

Let me know what you think.

 
From General Discussion / The Good Old Days
Posted 5 Nov 12 14:07
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Nostalgia's not what it used to be.

When I was a chipolata, I remember people talking about the old good old days. The way they spoke back then was so exaggerated and hyperbolic it made today's memories look like last Tuesday's leftovers.

I miss the good old days' nostalgia, not like the fluff you get now.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 27 Oct 12 13:29
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Dear Spoof,

I regret to inform you that Dorking rubbish tip is no longer available for our Christmas party. It has been fully booked by the staff of NewsWank, a fellow satirical website who are rather more organised.

However, I have managed to procure a section of a pipe in Dorking sewage system, large enough to seat 37 Spoofers. After entering a manhole near the treatment plant, it is a short walk through knee-deep human waste to the most unique Christmas party location anywhere.

With its unique ambience and scent of effluence, it is sure to make Spoof writers feel right at home. Watch the faecal matter of famous Dorking residents float by as you enjoy your meal. Best of all, you don't even need to get up to go to the toilet.

See you there,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third


 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 27 Oct 12 07:02
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Dear Spoof,

Further to our earlier correspondence, regrettably Dorking graveyard does not host parties and is therefore ineligible for TheSpoof Christmas party. This is a disappointment as I know how many of you were looking forward to its unique ambience and the grave-robbing party games we could have enjoyed.

I have therefore applied to Dorking rubbish tip to see if they can fit us in at short notice. "The tip" is a treasure trove of the unknown, with a unique ambience and a whiff of the unwanted. I also think that by sitting next to an enormous pile of discarded detritus, our Spoof writers will feel completely at home.

Yours, despairingly,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 27 Oct 12 00:31
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Dear Spoof,

I wish to quell any rumours that TheSpoof Christmas Party will be held in Dorking abattoir. Although spacious, pleasantly odourful, and with a gentle ambience, the abattoir has already been booked by Dorking's Cannibal Matinee Club for the week of our party, and for many days afterward while they attempt to purge the premises of any evidence of their depraved acts.
Therefore, I heartily recommend Dorking graveyard for an atmospheric night out for the Christmas Party. Dorking graveyard, what better place is there to spend time with people of Dorking past and present, who will no doubt appreciate the atmosphere of a happening and funky young set of writers who want to take the piss out of the town.

Yours, conditionally,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third



 
From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 22 Oct 12 15:03
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Pope Gregory III, for the iconoclastic controversy and for banning the eating of horsemeat.

Also, you know, it's fun to slap a Pope. Better than bashing the bishop anyway.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 20 Oct 12 20:32
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Dear Spoof,

If having trouble finding ideas for writing a satirical article, simply copy and paste an existing article from a news website, and randomly insert the word "poo" throughout it. Hilarity will undoubtedly ensue.

Brigadier Matron Persephone Fudge, deceased


 
From General Discussion / Jaggedone's Book is on the shelves!
Posted 20 Oct 12 13:31
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Here's a selection of reviews I found for it.

The Sussex Changer: "Literally pages of words arranged into sentences."
The Dorking Chronicle: "An absorbing read, in the sense that its pages can be used to mop up liquids."
The Cholmley Gazette: "A book."
Horsetroubler Monthly: "Contains no information about troubling horses whatsoever."


 
From Magazine Discussion / Birdwatching with Bill and Kenneth
Posted 7 Oct 12 16:57
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Quote: churchmouse
Whenever I see innuendo I normally whip it out straight away.



I imagined this as a kind of a Two Ronnies sketch. I don't know if that comes across - ooer more innuendo. Well if you ask for it I'll give you one.

 
From General Discussion / The Coal Hole Firm Cordially Invite You...........
Posted 5 Oct 12 17:36
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Quote: Clive Danton

I deliberately withheld the date to prevent any cunts showing up.

You cant be too careful son can you?


I don't understand. I can't imagine anyone turning up who isn't a cunt.



 
From General Discussion / Why do we get ill?
Posted 5 Oct 12 17:22
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Quote: Mark

My stupid body's crapped out on me and decided to give in to the viruses.



You should stay away from those syphilitic harpies.

I caught gonorrhea from just looking at one once, but luckily that was just a dream, so it healed up easily.


 
From General Discussion / The Coal Hole Firm Cordially Invite You...........
Posted 5 Oct 12 17:20
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2.00pm on the 12th of February, 2015? I think I'm washing my hair that day.

 
From General Discussion / The Hippy thread
Posted 3 Oct 12 12:24
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Oh yeah, man! Peace and love. I've got flowers in my hair, although the doctor says it could be a fungal infection.

It's all about the peace and love. Can you feel the love? Can you feel it? Is it in the wrong hole again?

That's all groovy. Nothing really matters, you see, because we're all the same. Every one of us is exactly the same, and we should really embrace that diversity.

Let's get high. I think my hippy name has to be Just Now Weed.

 
From General Discussion / What's your favourite type of toilet?
Posted 28 Sep 12 21:46
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In an attempt to raise the tone and increase the intellectual vigour of our beloved forum, let us turn to lavatorial matters. After all, we all do it and if you use the wrong type it could kill you.
So, what is your favourite type of toilet?

Let me explain the five types as there isn't enough room in the answers:
British: the classic upright loo
German: similar, but with a shelf so you can examine your stool afterwards
French: a hole in the ground
Japanese: with lots of buttons which do bizarre and unspeakable things
Australian: use your hat

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 28 Sep 12 20:02
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Quote: Francois Dubois, S.J.

Tea for Two - Lyrics by Irvine Ceasar, Music by Vincent Youmans, 1925, for musical "No, No, Nanette."



"I can't stop farting" by the Queers.

Yes that is a real song and there is a very obvious link. You see, "Tea for Two" is an anagram of "We fart too", and let's be honest we all do - except for Her Maj, bless her cork-like haemorrhoids.
The human race - we - is constantly farting, and we just can't stop. Hence, I can't stop farting.

 
From General Discussion / The worst haiku ever written in the WesternWorld thread
Posted 28 Sep 12 19:47
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Ok, worst haiku ever:

One, two, three, four, five
One, two, three, four, five, six, sev'n
One, two, three, four, five

It's poetic 'cos the last line's the same as the first, innit?


 
From General Discussion / The worst haiku ever written in the WesternWorld thread
Posted 26 Sep 12 22:54
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Ok, I'm not going to bicker about the exact format, but I've always known them as 5-7-5. As for the season thing, I'm pretty sure you just need to include a metaphor.
Anyway, here are some bad ones:

My wife died today
Blue lips like a baboon's arse
That's why I killed her

Oh, I missed Countdown
I can catch the repeat on
Channel 4 plus 1

Traffic wardens sit
In Dorking leisure centre
Ticketing people

Whichever stupid bastard
Invented haikus
Should be force to read them all


 
From General Discussion / The worst haiku ever written in the WesternWorld thread
Posted 26 Sep 12 21:42
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Hey, you got it wrong,
It's 5 then 7 then 5,
Like this one, douchebag!

Wikipedia
Says the seasons aren't like ours,
Just flowery shit.


 
From General Discussion / Getting Right To The Arse Of The Matter.
Posted 11 Sep 12 21:22
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Who would have thought there were so many arse-songs out there:

Groove is in the arse - Deelite, being medically accurate

Unchain my arse - Joe Cocker

My arse goes boom - some Eurovision crap

And my favourite:
Something's gotten hold of my arse - Gene Pitney

 
From General Discussion / Getting Right To The Arse Of The Matter.
Posted 11 Sep 12 09:51
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Quote: Tommy Twinkle

Candle in the Arse - Elton John.


Don't people read the rules? The word arse must replace the word heart, as in Arse-shaped Box by Nirvana.

I also like the idea of expanding this to literature, or films too. You've got BraveArse, DragonArse, Where the Arse is.

My favourite medical book is of course William Harvey's famous 'On the motion of the arse and blood'.

 
From General Discussion / Getting Right To The Arse Of The Matter.
Posted 10 Sep 12 20:41
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Am surprised nobody's thought of Elton John's classic love song, Don't Go Breaking My Arse.

 
From General Discussion / Getting Right To The Arse Of The Matter.
Posted 10 Sep 12 20:25
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Quote: Clive Danton

Chissakes it's Sausage and B!

I knew this thread would attract the more unsavoury element.



What do you mean? There's nothing more savoury than a sausage.

Unless it's been up your arse. By which I mean heart.


 
From General Discussion / Getting Right To The Arse Of The Matter.
Posted 10 Sep 12 19:59
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Great topic!

Let's start with the Bee Gees' How Can You Mend A Broken Arse?

Or how about that annoying song from the film about the big ship that hits an iceberg, My Arse Must Go On

Then there's Bonnie Tyler's classic Total Eclipse of the Arse.

Not to mention the Beatle's Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Arse Club Band.

The Backstreet Boys also sang a song called I'll Never Break Your Arse. Now there's a thought.

 
From General Discussion / Prostitutes Suffering in Austerity Britain
Posted 7 Sep 12 13:14
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Quote: Patti Cake

Prostitutes Suffering in Austerity Britain - hilarious Captain Sausage - I laughed my socks off.

I've led a sheltered life - what's a brown trout surprise?

LOL


I don't think any explanation could ever describe it accurately enough using mere words. It's sort of like a haddock job but with extra dirty sauce and it requires twice as much elbow grease as a "herring off".

 
From General Discussion / What do you bring to a party?
Posted 5 Sep 12 11:53
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Quote: Sidney Bollocks

Do you hire yourself out?

I have punters waiting...


Nah. I'm not that kind of sausage.

 
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