Discussion Forum

2.00pm on the 12th of February, 2015? I think I'm washing my hair that day.

Oh yeah, man! Peace and love. I've got flowers in my hair, although the doctor says it could be a fungal infection.

It's all about the peace and love. Can you feel the love? Can you feel it? Is it in the wrong hole again?

That's all groovy. Nothing really matters, you see, because we're all the same. Every one of us is exactly the same, and we should really embrace that diversity.

Let's get high. I think my hippy name has to be Just Now Weed.

In an attempt to raise the tone and increase the intellectual vigour of our beloved forum, let us turn to lavatorial matters. After all, we all do it and if you use the wrong type it could kill you.
So, what is your favourite type of toilet?

Let me explain the five types as there isn't enough room in the answers:
British: the classic upright loo
German: similar, but with a shelf so you can examine your stool afterwards
French: a hole in the ground
Japanese: with lots of buttons which do bizarre and unspeakable things
Australian: use your hat

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Quote: Francois Dubois, S.J.

Tea for Two - Lyrics by Irvine Ceasar, Music by Vincent Youmans, 1925, for musical "No, No, Nanette."

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"I can't stop farting" by the Queers.

Yes that is a real song and there is a very obvious link. You see, "Tea for Two" is an anagram of "We fart too", and let's be honest we all do - except for Her Maj, bless her cork-like haemorrhoids.
The human race - we - is constantly farting, and we just can't stop. Hence, I can't stop farting.

Ok, worst haiku ever:

One, two, three, four, five
One, two, three, four, five, six, sev'n
One, two, three, four, five

It's poetic 'cos the last line's the same as the first, innit?

Ok, I'm not going to bicker about the exact format, but I've always known them as 5-7-5. As for the season thing, I'm pretty sure you just need to include a metaphor.
Anyway, here are some bad ones:

My wife died today
Blue lips like a baboon's arse
That's why I killed her

Oh, I missed Countdown
I can catch the repeat on
Channel 4 plus 1

Traffic wardens sit
In Dorking leisure centre
Ticketing people

Whichever stupid bastard
Invented haikus
Should be force to read them all

Hey, you got it wrong,
It's 5 then 7 then 5,
Like this one, douchebag!

Wikipedia
Says the seasons aren't like ours,
Just flowery shit.

Who would have thought there were so many arse-songs out there:

Groove is in the arse - Deelite, being medically accurate

Unchain my arse - Joe Cocker

My arse goes boom - some Eurovision crap

And my favourite:
Something's gotten hold of my arse - Gene Pitney

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Quote: Tommy Twinkle

Candle in the Arse - Elton John.

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Don't people read the rules? The word arse must replace the word heart, as in Arse-shaped Box by Nirvana.

I also like the idea of expanding this to literature, or films too. You've got BraveArse, DragonArse, Where the Arse is.

My favourite medical book is of course William Harvey's famous 'On the motion of the arse and blood'.

Am surprised nobody's thought of Elton John's classic love song, Don't Go Breaking My Arse.

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Quote: Clive Danton

Chissakes it's Sausage and B!

I knew this thread would attract the more unsavoury element.

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What do you mean? There's nothing more savoury than a sausage.

Unless it's been up your arse. By which I mean heart.

Great topic!

Let's start with the Bee Gees' How Can You Mend A Broken Arse?

Or how about that annoying song from the film about the big ship that hits an iceberg, My Arse Must Go On

Then there's Bonnie Tyler's classic Total Eclipse of the Arse.

Not to mention the Beatle's Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Arse Club Band.

The Backstreet Boys also sang a song called I'll Never Break Your Arse. Now there's a thought.

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Quote: Patti Cake

Prostitutes Suffering in Austerity Britain - hilarious Captain Sausage - I laughed my socks off.

I've led a sheltered life - what's a brown trout surprise?

LOL

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I don't think any explanation could ever describe it accurately enough using mere words. It's sort of like a haddock job but with extra dirty sauce and it requires twice as much elbow grease as a "herring off".

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Quote: Sidney Bollocks

Do you hire yourself out?

I have punters waiting...

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Nah. I'm not that kind of sausage.

Three bottles of Lambrini, a party bag of Monster Munch, some Fun size (c) Mars bars and a packet of ribbed ticklers.

Was going to watch it until I realised it wasn't called "Touching cloth" and therefore wasn't actually a documentary about the problems of reaching a toilet when the turtle's head is rearing.

I once attempted to reconstruct an original Aerial Steam Carriage from 1842, but regrettably I couldn't fly the thing because I couldn't obtain any coal. Curse you, Scargill!

Aerial Steam Carriage

No Skoob, the closing ceremony was, like the opening ceremony, a mixture of awesomeness and mediocrity, but largely brilliant.

A high point for me was Eric Idle singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", but there were many other good moments. In fact, apart from the Spice Girls, it was almost all good.

Works ok for me now.

Depressed like a button?

My spoof nuts are bursting and ready to explode after holding in my spoofs all weekend. Prepare for spoof all over your face, any minute now.

I don't think that I'm gay but I may be a transsexual. I certainly have the man-breasts for it.

After all, everyone loves a flabby beer-swilling trannie in a dress.

Come on boys, you want my hot lady-manflaps don't you?

But as I said at the start, I am most definitely NOT gay!

There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
She pined, "What's the worth
"Of a vag built for girth
"When not even dwarf heads satisfy?"

A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad
But the bones were too firm; it
Weren't a toad, it was Kermit!
And the poor old git's innards imploded.