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From General Discussion / Je Suis Charlie - Where Murder And Humor Have Met
Posted 8 Jan 15 23:28
Je suis Charlie. And not as I read one version, Jesus Charlie. That must be a reference to the Vietcong messiah.

From News Discussion / Why do we wear paper hats at Christmas?
Posted 23 Dec 13 09:53
I agree it could be better. It's a bit random. I guess I wasn't able to knock out enough spoof goo to hold the whole thing together very well.

Strangely, this story has received seven 5 star ratings and nothing else. Erskine's 2 star rating doesn't appear in my stats at all, which raises a few questions:
1) Are our filthy readers so dumb that they can't tell good stories from bad?
2) Is there some mechanism that makes all ratings 5 stars, thereby defeating the purpose of the ratings system?
3) Will Sally ever rescue her missing shoe from the escaped buffalo?

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 14 Dec 13 12:55
(By the way, does the first word have to be the same as the last word of the previous one?)

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 14 Dec 13 12:54

Quote: Erskin Quint

"Shaky" hieroglyphs are knowledge, yes?

Yes, everybody succumbs.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 12 Dec 13 18:18
Rambo's anus must be odoriferous.

From General Discussion / Scotland Independence
Posted 6 Dec 13 01:16

Quote: IainB

Why should the Scots vote, and not the English? It affects us too. It's like a divorce. Two parties involved.

That's like saying the Brits should have had a vote when the Americans declared independence. Ok, not exactly the same, but the point still stands. The country being broken away from doesn't get any say in the matter. Them's the rules.

PS. Am drunk again. Did I mention I was Scottish

From General Discussion / Scotland Independence
Posted 5 Dec 13 01:21
As I lie down to bed, moved by the quantity of alcohol in my system, I often wonder how Scotland would cope if given control of its own alcohol laws. "Responsibly", they say, like any alcy will, but who knows what will happen?

"Imagine...imagine Jimmy Krankie on the £10 banknote," he says. "And how about The Proclaimers on the £500!"

It is too late. They will already have the vote, by next September. Jocks of all types, from the hard-working but unemployed shipyard worker, to the hard-working but unemployed Oor Wullie cartoonist, to the hard-working but unemployed Sean Connery.

If they have the choice to break away, who would agree to a yes? Probably many Scots!

But what do our readers think?? Why not send in a line from your local area and let us know your point of view. It surely is the best chance you have to influence the Scottish vote.

From General Discussion / The forums are back!
Posted 29 Nov 13 21:33

Quote: Mark

It feels good to be finally bringing the forums back after such a long time.

Great. Welcome back!

From Magazine Discussion / 2012 Bad Sex Award Winners Announced
Posted 14 Feb 13 20:41
I wrote a follow-up piece, if anyone is interested.

Award Winning Bad Author Returns

From News Discussion / Traces of jockeys found in horse burgers
Posted 10 Feb 13 22:31
Thank you.

It's amazing how much a story can develop in a day or two. Apparently there is now talk of horse AIDS, or of horses taking drugs (presumably called horse or horse tranquiliser). So many levels to write an update on this story. But I can't be arsed.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Jan 13 18:59
Sporrans: pouches oscillate rhythmically round awkwardly nutted Scotsman

From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 25 Jan 13 00:27
"That's a nice bunch of Beyonces in this picnic."
(Beyonce Knowles - sausage rolls)

"That zebra looks more like a Lady."
(Lady Gaga - quagga*)

"I spotted a few Simons in the woods last night."
(Simon Cowell - barn owl)

*a quagga is an extinct species of zebra

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 23 Jan 13 19:19
Ears are remarkably semicircular.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 22 Jan 13 20:56
Yes, everything's shit.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 22 Jan 13 20:34
Suggestion? Under George's gusset exist squirrels - two infestations, one nutty.

From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 18 Jan 13 09:13

Quote: Jaggedone

Banana and mango = Quentin's Django

Good one. I know a few merchants who have seen Banana.

(Merchant banker - Cockney wanker)

From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 18 Jan 13 08:14
Some more:

"No, people shouldn't be able to marry their pets. That's totally Lance."
(Lance Armstrong - wrong)

"I'm off to see a Barack production of Hair."
(Barack Obama - amateur drama)

"I wish China would let Barack back to his homeland of Tibet."
(Barack Obama - the Dalai Lama).

"Oh would you shut up! You're so Hermann!"
(Hermann Goering - boring)

From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 16 Jan 13 18:49
Have you come across any modern examples of Cockney rhyming slang recently? Here are a few that I have overheard on the shaven these last few weeks. (shaven pube = Tube)

"My favourite ever piece of cinematography is that scene in Ben Hur with the Ainsley race" (Ainsley Harriot = chariot)

"The Greek economy is just going round and round in Angelas" (Angela Merkels = circles)

"Armitage a lot for the HMV gift voucher you gave me for Christmas" (Armitage Shanks = thanks)

From General Discussion / Dead as a DoDo!
Posted 15 Jan 13 19:53

Quote: Jaggedone

Iain, at least we can count on us to still have some fun here.

I heard Geoff "Boycott" is still sulking at the wicket waiting for his stump to be pulled...

I heard Geoff Boycott didn't like Chinese food. He would be batting all day long but he never went out for a duck.

(sound of tumbleweed rolling by)

From General Discussion / Happy New Year
Posted 1 Jan 13 10:55

Quote: Ellie James

May 2013 bring you happiness, health and laughter.


Why May 2013? Dec 2012 bring you mange, frostbite and gangrene.

From General Discussion / Who is your favourite/favorite Pole?
Posted 31 Dec 12 23:08
You forgot "my local builder/plumber".

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Dec 12 10:28
Guinea. Under its never-flaccid eaves, aphrodisiacs.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 22 Dec 12 00:24
Dear Spoof,

I have been most disturbed to hear that clues of the recent Mayan Apocalypse can be heard in popular hits from years ago. Most notably I am reminded of Paul Gascoigne's 1990 novelty hit "Fog on the Tyne, it's all Mayan, all Mayan".

However, I believe I have also heard the rumours of the aforementioned earth-wide destruction in other songs such as David Bowie's 1971 hit "Velvet Gold Mayan".

But most disturbing of all, this year I read on the internet that J K Rowling himself has released an e-book under the pseudonym of Adolf Hitler, which is entitled "Mayan Camp".

Such stories make the actual apocalypse look like a damp squib.
Yours, buttered and ready,

Herr Drier Unt Blofeld (retired 2nd class coward, Panzerdivision 73)

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:38
ITV3 4:35 today. Wycliffe.

I was looking forward to seeing a new family sitcom about Wyclef Jean, the rapper famous for saying "One time" in the song "Killing Me Softly" by the Fugees. That could have been his comedy catchphrase in the show. I imagined him going round to the vicar's house and being offered some tea. Then when the vicar asked how many lumps of sugar he wanted he would say "One time" with hilarious results.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out it was just another bloody detective show, with no one-line rappers at all.

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 29 Nov 12 23:22
I was flicking through the channels the other night and came across an amazing fly-on-the-wall World War 2 documentary - in technicolour - called 'Allo 'Allo.

It was a real eye-opener for me. I had no idea that the French Resistance played such a critical role in the war by dressing up in disguise as nuns, smuggling valuable paintings inside sausages stuffed down their trousers, and keeping the Germans distracted with saucy waitresses.

However I had suspected that the Gestapo were all kinky pervs though.

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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