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From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 4 Apr 15 19:01
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(In case anyone thinks I'm taking the piss, I like the long words.)

Kakorrhaphiophobia: a Kiribatian oarsman roughly rode his anguished prepuce. How inconsiderate of people! How obviously boastful in acromegaly!


 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 4 Apr 15 18:22
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Monkey-speak! Oh noble Kong! Evade, ye solid peasant effervescent apes, kakorrhaphiophobia.

 
From General Discussion / how did you feel about the mass debate?
Posted 2 Apr 15 21:50
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Now that it's gone off in everyone's faces, let's measure the voter penetration by quimming the flangeguff:

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 2 Apr 15 21:48
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Sussex: UKIP should synchronise English xenophobia

 
From General Discussion / Funny Things About Hedges
Posted 30 Mar 15 22:49
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Quote: Erskin Quint

It works if you explain it, I suppose, though it does cross the boundary a bit.


It's bushing the fences of acceptability, but I can just about thicket.

 
From General Discussion / Funny Things About Hedges
Posted 30 Mar 15 22:15
Message

Quote: CaptainSausage


Quote: Erskin Quint

I can't think of any.


Hogwash!


I meant like a carwash for hedgehogs. Not sure that one works either.

I'll 'leave' then. These jokes are a bit topiary.


 
From General Discussion / The Bakers' Film Club
Posted 30 Mar 15 20:32
Message
Indiana Jones and the Teacake of Doom
Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Patisserie
Indiana Jones: The Last Croissant
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crumpet Scone

 
From General Discussion / Funny Things About Hedges
Posted 30 Mar 15 20:25
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Quote: Erskin Quint

I can't think of any.


Hogwash!

 
From General Discussion / Je Suis Charlie - Where Murder And Humor Have Met
Posted 8 Jan 15 23:28
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Je suis Charlie. And not as I read one version, Jesus Charlie. That must be a reference to the Vietcong messiah.

 
From News Discussion / Why do we wear paper hats at Christmas?
Posted 23 Dec 13 09:53
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I agree it could be better. It's a bit random. I guess I wasn't able to knock out enough spoof goo to hold the whole thing together very well.

Strangely, this story has received seven 5 star ratings and nothing else. Erskine's 2 star rating doesn't appear in my stats at all, which raises a few questions:
1) Are our filthy readers so dumb that they can't tell good stories from bad?
2) Is there some mechanism that makes all ratings 5 stars, thereby defeating the purpose of the ratings system?
3) Will Sally ever rescue her missing shoe from the escaped buffalo?


 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 14 Dec 13 12:55
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(By the way, does the first word have to be the same as the last word of the previous one?)

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 14 Dec 13 12:54
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Quote: Erskin Quint

"Shaky" hieroglyphs are knowledge, yes?


Yes, everybody succumbs.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 12 Dec 13 18:18
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Rambo's anus must be odoriferous.

 
From General Discussion / Scotland Independence
Posted 6 Dec 13 01:16
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Quote: IainB

Why should the Scots vote, and not the English? It affects us too. It's like a divorce. Two parties involved.




That's like saying the Brits should have had a vote when the Americans declared independence. Ok, not exactly the same, but the point still stands. The country being broken away from doesn't get any say in the matter. Them's the rules.

PS. Am drunk again. Did I mention I was Scottish


 
From General Discussion / Scotland Independence
Posted 5 Dec 13 01:21
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As I lie down to bed, moved by the quantity of alcohol in my system, I often wonder how Scotland would cope if given control of its own alcohol laws. "Responsibly", they say, like any alcy will, but who knows what will happen?

"Imagine...imagine Jimmy Krankie on the £10 banknote," he says. "And how about The Proclaimers on the £500!"

It is too late. They will already have the vote, by next September. Jocks of all types, from the hard-working but unemployed shipyard worker, to the hard-working but unemployed Oor Wullie cartoonist, to the hard-working but unemployed Sean Connery.

If they have the choice to break away, who would agree to a yes? Probably many Scots!

But what do our readers think?? Why not send in a line from your local area and let us know your point of view. It surely is the best chance you have to influence the Scottish vote.


 
From General Discussion / The forums are back!
Posted 29 Nov 13 21:33
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Quote: Mark

It feels good to be finally bringing the forums back after such a long time.



Great. Welcome back!


 
From Magazine Discussion / 2012 Bad Sex Award Winners Announced
Posted 14 Feb 13 20:41
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I wrote a follow-up piece, if anyone is interested.

Award Winning Bad Author Returns

 
From News Discussion / Traces of jockeys found in horse burgers
Posted 10 Feb 13 22:31
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Thank you.

It's amazing how much a story can develop in a day or two. Apparently there is now talk of horse AIDS, or of horses taking drugs (presumably called horse or horse tranquiliser). So many levels to write an update on this story. But I can't be arsed.


 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Jan 13 18:59
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Sporrans: pouches oscillate rhythmically round awkwardly nutted Scotsman

 
From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 25 Jan 13 00:27
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"That's a nice bunch of Beyonces in this picnic."
(Beyonce Knowles - sausage rolls)

"That zebra looks more like a Lady."
(Lady Gaga - quagga*)

"I spotted a few Simons in the woods last night."
(Simon Cowell - barn owl)


*a quagga is an extinct species of zebra

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 23 Jan 13 19:19
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Ears are remarkably semicircular.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 22 Jan 13 20:56
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Yes, everything's shit.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 22 Jan 13 20:34
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Suggestion? Under George's gusset exist squirrels - two infestations, one nutty.

 
From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 18 Jan 13 09:13
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Quote: Jaggedone

Banana and mango = Quentin's Django


Good one. I know a few merchants who have seen Banana.

(Merchant banker - Cockney wanker)

 
From General Discussion / Cockney Rhyming Slang
Posted 18 Jan 13 08:14
Message
Some more:

"No, people shouldn't be able to marry their pets. That's totally Lance."
(Lance Armstrong - wrong)

"I'm off to see a Barack production of Hair."
(Barack Obama - amateur drama)

Also:
"I wish China would let Barack back to his homeland of Tibet."
(Barack Obama - the Dalai Lama).

"Oh would you shut up! You're so Hermann!"
(Hermann Goering - boring)


 
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