Discussion Forum

Sporrans: pouches oscillate rhythmically round awkwardly nutted Scotsman

"That's a nice bunch of Beyonces in this picnic."
(Beyonce Knowles - sausage rolls)

"That zebra looks more like a Lady."
(Lady Gaga - quagga*)

"I spotted a few Simons in the woods last night."
(Simon Cowell - barn owl)


*a quagga is an extinct species of zebra

Ears are remarkably semicircular.

Yes, everything's shit.

Suggestion? Under George's gusset exist squirrels - two infestations, one nutty.

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Quote: Jaggedone

Banana and mango = Quentin's Django

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Good one. I know a few merchants who have seen Banana.

(Merchant banker - Cockney wanker)

Some more:

"No, people shouldn't be able to marry their pets. That's totally Lance."
(Lance Armstrong - wrong)

"I'm off to see a Barack production of Hair."
(Barack Obama - amateur drama)

Also:
"I wish China would let Barack back to his homeland of Tibet."
(Barack Obama - the Dalai Lama).

"Oh would you shut up! You're so Hermann!"
(Hermann Goering - boring)

Have you come across any modern examples of Cockney rhyming slang recently? Here are a few that I have overheard on the shaven these last few weeks. (shaven pube = Tube)

"My favourite ever piece of cinematography is that scene in Ben Hur with the Ainsley race" (Ainsley Harriot = chariot)

"The Greek economy is just going round and round in Angelas" (Angela Merkels = circles)

"Armitage a lot for the HMV gift voucher you gave me for Christmas" (Armitage Shanks = thanks)

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Quote: Jaggedone

Iain, at least we can count on us to still have some fun here.

I heard Geoff "Boycott" is still sulking at the wicket waiting for his stump to be pulled...

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I heard Geoff Boycott didn't like Chinese food. He would be batting all day long but he never went out for a duck.

(sound of tumbleweed rolling by)

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Quote: Ellie James

May 2013 bring you happiness, health and laughter.

Ellie

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Why May 2013? Dec 2012 bring you mange, frostbite and gangrene.

You forgot "my local builder/plumber".

Guinea. Under its never-flaccid eaves, aphrodisiacs.

Dear Spoof,

I have been most disturbed to hear that clues of the recent Mayan Apocalypse can be heard in popular hits from years ago. Most notably I am reminded of Paul Gascoigne's 1990 novelty hit "Fog on the Tyne, it's all Mayan, all Mayan".

However, I believe I have also heard the rumours of the aforementioned earth-wide destruction in other songs such as David Bowie's 1971 hit "Velvet Gold Mayan".

But most disturbing of all, this year I read on the internet that J K Rowling himself has released an e-book under the pseudonym of Adolf Hitler, which is entitled "Mayan Camp".

Such stories make the actual apocalypse look like a damp squib.
Yours, buttered and ready,

Herr Drier Unt Blofeld (retired 2nd class coward, Panzerdivision 73)

ITV3 4:35 today. Wycliffe.

I was looking forward to seeing a new family sitcom about Wyclef Jean, the rapper famous for saying "One time" in the song "Killing Me Softly" by the Fugees. That could have been his comedy catchphrase in the show. I imagined him going round to the vicar's house and being offered some tea. Then when the vicar asked how many lumps of sugar he wanted he would say "One time" with hilarious results.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out it was just another bloody detective show, with no one-line rappers at all.

I was flicking through the channels the other night and came across an amazing fly-on-the-wall World War 2 documentary - in technicolour - called 'Allo 'Allo.

It was a real eye-opener for me. I had no idea that the French Resistance played such a critical role in the war by dressing up in disguise as nuns, smuggling valuable paintings inside sausages stuffed down their trousers, and keeping the Germans distracted with saucy waitresses.

However I had suspected that the Gestapo were all kinky pervs though.

My greatest pleasure is attempting to write a filthy but hilarious spoof that is rammed with double-ended meanings, showing plenty of cheek splattered with innuendo, all the while trying frantically to throttle a persistent pianist who lives downstairs.

Sometimes I even manage to pull it off, and the titters are there to be milked.

Nostalgia's not what it used to be.

When I was a chipolata, I remember people talking about the old good old days. The way they spoke back then was so exaggerated and hyperbolic it made today's memories look like last Tuesday's leftovers.

I miss the good old days' nostalgia, not like the fluff you get now.

Dear Spoof,

I regret to inform you that Dorking rubbish tip is no longer available for our Christmas party. It has been fully booked by the staff of NewsWank, a fellow satirical website who are rather more organised.

However, I have managed to procure a section of a pipe in Dorking sewage system, large enough to seat 37 Spoofers. After entering a manhole near the treatment plant, it is a short walk through knee-deep human waste to the most unique Christmas party location anywhere.

With its unique ambience and scent of effluence, it is sure to make Spoof writers feel right at home. Watch the faecal matter of famous Dorking residents float by as you enjoy your meal. Best of all, you don't even need to get up to go to the toilet.

See you there,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

Dear Spoof,

Further to our earlier correspondence, regrettably Dorking graveyard does not host parties and is therefore ineligible for TheSpoof Christmas party. This is a disappointment as I know how many of you were looking forward to its unique ambience and the grave-robbing party games we could have enjoyed.

I have therefore applied to Dorking rubbish tip to see if they can fit us in at short notice. "The tip" is a treasure trove of the unknown, with a unique ambience and a whiff of the unwanted. I also think that by sitting next to an enormous pile of discarded detritus, our Spoof writers will feel completely at home.

Yours, despairingly,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

Dear Spoof,

I wish to quell any rumours that TheSpoof Christmas Party will be held in Dorking abattoir. Although spacious, pleasantly odourful, and with a gentle ambience, the abattoir has already been booked by Dorking's Cannibal Matinee Club for the week of our party, and for many days afterward while they attempt to purge the premises of any evidence of their depraved acts.
Therefore, I heartily recommend Dorking graveyard for an atmospheric night out for the Christmas Party. Dorking graveyard, what better place is there to spend time with people of Dorking past and present, who will no doubt appreciate the atmosphere of a happening and funky young set of writers who want to take the piss out of the town.

Yours, conditionally,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

Pope Gregory III, for the iconoclastic controversy and for banning the eating of horsemeat.

Also, you know, it's fun to slap a Pope. Better than bashing the bishop anyway.

Dear Spoof,

If having trouble finding ideas for writing a satirical article, simply copy and paste an existing article from a news website, and randomly insert the word "poo" throughout it. Hilarity will undoubtedly ensue.

Brigadier Matron Persephone Fudge, deceased

Here's a selection of reviews I found for it.

The Sussex Changer: "Literally pages of words arranged into sentences."
The Dorking Chronicle: "An absorbing read, in the sense that its pages can be used to mop up liquids."
The Cholmley Gazette: "A book."
Horsetroubler Monthly: "Contains no information about troubling horses whatsoever."

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Quote: Clive Danton

I deliberately withheld the date to prevent any cunts showing up.

You cant be too careful son can you?

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I don't understand. I can't imagine anyone turning up who isn't a cunt.

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Quote: Mark

My stupid body's crapped out on me and decided to give in to the viruses.

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You should stay away from those syphilitic harpies.

I caught gonorrhea from just looking at one once, but luckily that was just a dream, so it healed up easily.