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From News Discussion / American Koreans are an endangered species
Posted 18 Nov 12 08:53
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What he just said.

 
From Magazine Discussion / The Official Texas State Secession Committee Interview
Posted 18 Nov 12 08:43
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Two friggin' weeks and a dozen rewrites? Holy Repetitive Writer's Cramp Injury Bat Frankie!

If I dont get one of these here spoof suckers written and submitted in 30 mins flat I kick mah pappy's coon dawg!

Great piece. Enjoyed it.

5!!!!

 
From General Discussion / Message From Churchmouse's Exotic Missus Who's Far Too Good For Him
Posted 18 Nov 12 08:10
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^^^^^^ Lootenant General in feisty drunken mood there.

BRRRRRRING.......BRRRRRRING

Churchmouse's Exotic Missus - Ello Ello zis ees Chantel ere, the exotic meessees of ze 'ighly overpaid central 'eating botherer Churchmouse. 'ow can I 'elp you?

Moi - Oh ullo Chazza, it's Cliveypops Treacle. Is the guvnor about only I want a quick word with the boy.

CEM - Ello Cliveypopz my leetle Breetesh Renault Five. No 'e is not 'ere. 'e 'as gone to collect 'is wages in ze giant wheelbarrow. Can I 'elp you my leetle petit pois?

Moi - No you're alright Chaz, it's just that old Skoob's got a writing compo on the go and I wanted to ask Gazza whether he was thinking of entering and that.

CEM - Sacre bleu!!! You mean ze Skoob oo is ze doyen of ze Spoof??? But i sought 'e was at bay??

Moi - Yeah well 'e was darlin' but 'is missus told him to sort his self out and get a grip and that.

CEM - Zis meessees you talk about my leetle aide de camp, is she exotic aussi?

Moi - Well she's fairly exotic yes love. Nice lady. Not as exotic as you of course Chazza! Nobody is!!!

CEM - Does she rule ze Skoob with ze rod of iron and 'as she slowly reduced heem to, ow you say eet, ze pussywhipped arseole?

Moi - I'll say she 'as Fruitgum. Why do you think 'e spends 'alf his poxy life at bay love?

CEM - and 'e is starting ze writing compo? But 'e must know zat you are ze compo winning legend of all ze times and zat you will peess all over ze other writers and win by ze abzolute country mile no?

Moi - Yeah I know sweetheart, I feel a bit sorry for the boy to be fair but what can you do girl?

CEM - 'e eez a fool to heemself and will end up crying in ze lonely room like ze beeg blubbering vagina after you have wiped ze floor weeth heem in ze compo my leetle piece de resistance. Now I 'ave to go as I can 'ear ze overpaid pipe bending pomme de terre, 'usband coming in. "ZE CHURCHMOUSE! PUT ZE MONEY IN ZE COAL BUNKER AND GET ON WEETH THE IRONING OF YOUR FRENCH KNEEKERS YOU LEETLE BREETESH TWAT!"

Moi - Alright Chazza. Nice speaking to yers darlin'

CEM - Au revoir Cliveypopz my leetle Eeenglish Cul De Sac.

Click

Ze Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 
From General Discussion / Message From Churchmouse's Exotic Missus Who's Far Too Good For Him
Posted 17 Nov 12 14:54
Message
'ello my leetle Breeteesh chums. Churchmouse's exotic missus 'ere.

Ze Churchmouse 'e weel not be participating in ze writing compo zis Saturday because 'e weel be doing, 'ow you say eet?, ze washing up.

Anyway I 'ave told heem it iz futile 'im trying to win because zat compo legend Cliveypops Danton 'e is going to win by ze absolute country mile.

Oh oui!

I 'ave to go now to be making sure ze Churchmouse'e 'as been mucking out ze escargot grooming bay.

Au revoir my leetle petits fours

x

 
From News Discussion / Florida Man Still In Line To Vote
Posted 17 Nov 12 13:46
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Above average then was it mate?

*chortle*

 
From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 17 Nov 12 13:05
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Hehehehe


Check out the name of the Chief Exec of The Mother's Union in this piece.

Look carefully and you'll see my comment which will obviously come as an added bonus and rare treat for you.

You scum!

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 17 Nov 12 12:50
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DERE SPOOV

E SHUDENT TAWK ABART CHULEEZAH LYKE WOT E JUST DUN TAWKED. SHEEZ AN ANGLE CUM DARM FRUM EAVEN TO SAYVE THE WELD FRUM LAYDEEZ WOT GET THERE TITS ART IN FRUNT OF PREMMYERE FUTBALLERS.

YUS SHE GIVED HER BOYFREND A NOSH ON THE KAMERA BUT WEEVE ALL DONE THAT IN OWR TYME. I NO MY MUM AS.

GAWD LOVE AND SAYVE OWR BOOTYFUL PRESHUS ANGLE CHEWBACCA!

JAAAAAAAYNE!

Lady Hermione Simpson
22 Burdette Mews
Pimlico
London W3

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 17 Nov 12 07:34
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Dear Spoof

I read in my newspaper this morning that X Factor judge and homemade grumble movie enthusiast Tulissa Costantanopolploplopliplopliploploilois sent a tweet pertaining to her love rival in a tryst involving herself and some fuckwitted premier league football playing cunt that I've never heard of, stating "u r a liar n a pschotic obsessed nutta"

She then tweeted shortly after "i dont want 2 get in 2 a public war of words"

So that's that cleared up then

Phew!

 
From General Discussion / Francois Dubois' US of A v Goddamn Limey Fags Quiz Of Doom
Posted 17 Nov 12 06:51
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^^^^^^^ Goddamn limey doyen sonofabitch at bay there.

 
From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 17 Nov 12 05:24
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Interesting Lady

Might have a toddle down to see her work at some point folks

 
From General Discussion / BBC Children In Need
Posted 17 Nov 12 04:46
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Dear Simon

I only watch it in case that tasty oriental looking bint out of BBC London News comes on and does a soft shoe shuffle in stockings and suspenders.

Only last night as she was telling us about a bloke being stabbed on the District Line I said to my missus. "Do you reckon I could be in there love?"

Without looking up from her copy of Enema Digest she remarked dryly "I wouldn't have thought so no"

I felt miserable



 
From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 17 Nov 12 04:38
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^^^^^^^ Doyen of The Spoof giving succour to a more junior contributor and by so doing providing living proof that he's not at bay as has been suggested in some quarters.

Personally I've never been given a one thumb rating for any of my work, despite being a perennial compo winning legend who routinely pisses over all the other writer's risible efforts on my way to compo winning glory.

In point of fact I have to run a gauntlet of nude birds every time I leave my house who cry out to me "Please make love to us all one by one Cliveypops you big 5 thumb hunk of burning love you!"

Naturally I make my excuses and leave.

Only yesterday I had a spoof published based on Dr Watson being struck off the medical register for laziness and as soon as it went live a female hand came out of my monitor and began stroking my face as a husky voice said "What an absolutely first rate Spoof Clivey! I bet nobody will give THAT wonderful effort a one thumb rating, despite the fact you win all the compos by an absolute country mile"

She then masturbated me to completion before I had a chance to make my excuses and leave.

Absolutely true story that is. My mate told me.



 
From General Discussion / Francois Dubois' US of A v Goddamn Limey Fags Quiz Of Doom
Posted 17 Nov 12 04:22
Message
*broad shouldered figure in milly-tairy uniform rumbles into thread atop Sherman Tank*

Ok limeys now hear this! Mah name is Dubois, Lootenant General Dubois, and ah'm here to impress upon you tea sippin' limey sonsabitches just how damn insignificant you are in comparison to the citizens of the Yoonited States Of Americee goddamit!!

Ah aim to do this by askin' y'all to answer a few simple questions ya hear me now ya dumn shmucks??

Question number 1 - Who has the best chocolate bar in the whole goddam motherfuckin' world?

Is it:

a) The totally awesome Hershey Bar.

or

b) That goddamn limp piece o' chocolate shit you limey assholes call The Nestles Milky Bar.

Goddammit there aint no contest people! What kinda two bit, mommy's boy faggot's gonna chow down on a piece o' shit with milk in it fer chrissakes?

Now looky here, ah'm gonna be back with more questions for y'all as soon as ah done kicking mah limey butler's candy ass from New York State to motherfuckin' Alabamee!

Damn that titty chawin' s.o.b.'s sure had it comin'!

 
From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 16 Nov 12 16:45
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It may interest Mr Of-Mayfair to know that The Queen neither eats nor drinks as this would inevitably result in her going to the toilet which is quite clearly unthinkable so she has a number of "Food And Drink Wallahs" to do it on her behalf.

Absolutely kosher that is. Geezer down the pub told me.

 
From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 16 Nov 12 16:25
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And while I'm about it I'll tell you another thing about Bovril shall I?

If Churchmouse asked his exotic missus who's far to good for him to bring him a mug of steaming, nutritious Bovril she'd bring it in a solid gold mug on a diamond encrusted tray and say:

"ere eez your Bovril Churchmouse. Be careful with eet as eet ees very 'ot my dalinks"

and he would say

"Thanks exotic missus who's far too good for me. Can I have a biscuit with it please love?"

and she would reply...

"Get your own beecuits you lazee Eenglish bleeder. I am far too exotic to do thees type of theeng"

Oh yes.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 16 Nov 12 16:14
Message
Dear Spoof

What a con this so called Bovril is. I drank a full imperial pint of the beefy and nourishing beverage earlier and even though I drained my mug and said heartily "How that beefy taste warmed me" I still didn't feel like Sir Chris Bonnington after heroically scaling Everest.

Sir Chris Bonnington
The toilet
Sunderland

 
From General Discussion / Love Love Love
Posted 16 Nov 12 16:07
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I <3 Bovril xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 16 Nov 12 16:05
Message
Purely on a whim I purchased a jar of Bovril today and have just finished guzzling the beef-based beverage from my big blue metal mug, which holds a full imperial pint incidentally, and found it an extremely pleasurable and deeply satisfying experience.

I am now going to look up the origin and history of Bovril through the ages and I dont care who knows it do you hear me??

Then I'm going to drink yet another mugful of the restorative and wholesome beverage before planning an expedition to scale the north face of The Eiger so I can produce a flask of Bovril when I reach the summit and do a small piece to camera pretending to be Sir Chris Bonnington who once did an ad for Bovril after scaling Everest when he proclaimed "How that beefy taste warmed us!"

Oh yes.



 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 16 Nov 12 06:32
Message
^^^^^ The doyen of The Spoof, who's no longer at bay for the time being, in playful mood as he greedily clutches the £5.00 prize there.

You probably already know this my fiends (sp)? but my maternal grandfather Sid (Sid by name Sid by nature) spoke almost entirely in an almost indecipherable mish mash of cockney rhyming slang and the bewildering London "Back Slang"

Small wonder then that he never rose above the position of punkah wallah 1st class in the Hindu dept of the BBC World Service.

Still you don't like to grumble do yers?

 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 15 Nov 12 20:49
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Noddy Through A Glass Darkly

That'll be half a century and a black man for me alligator.

Plus VAT!!



 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 15 Nov 12 16:48
Message
Congratulations Ellie you have passed the testicular test of terror with flying colours but have still failed to explain the puzzling conundrum "What does jacobs actually mean?"

No looking it up in The Dictionary Of Cockney Rhyming Slang or asking your Brit friends either!

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 14 Nov 12 12:45
Message
Dear Spoof (now celebrating...etc)

What an absolute joke the so-called British justice system is! Whilst driving to work this morning I spotted a police officer chatting away in an extremely friendly manner to a lorry driver who'd just shed his load on the carriageway and yet when I did the same thing whilst peeping through the curtains of the ladies changing room in Marks & Spencers I was fined £250 and given a 6 month suspended sentence for lewd conduct. Where's the justice in that?

Marvin Cleavage
Top Shop
Brisbane

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 14 Nov 12 06:41
Message
^^^^^^^ The undisputed doyen of The Spoof demonstrating that he's not at bay at all by fearlessly flying in the face of acronomy and bumping up Dear Spoof (now celebrating its glorious 1280th post) and mentioning Germany there.

Dear Spoof

What a con the concept of free speech on The Huffington Post is! Last night I happened to mention that I was quite glad that Governor Mitt Romney wasn't the leader of the free world and immediately received a threatening email which included a boxing glove on a spring from the political editor who referred to me as "A goddamn limey, pinko fag and a commie loving s.o.b."

I felt miserable

Anon.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 13 Nov 12 16:16
Message
Dear Spoof

After making a humorous remark about gay marriage on The Huffington Post earlier I received 9 "faves" and 4 comments which included one from a lady who said I sounded "very nice" and "a good man" and one from a young chap who wanted to bum me.

I shall therefore be restricting myself to contributing to that august publication for the foreseeable as it would appear that the dear old spoof forum has gone the same way as large tufts of my wife's hair after she's washed it in the bath............down the plughole.

Va con Dios.

Olive Dee
22 Shit Street
Lower Huffington
Dumfries






 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 12 Nov 12 17:38
Message
I bet you don't know what he means when he says he's going to "cut your jacobs off" though do yers eh???

Now then. Here's me and my mate Del doing a spot of racing commentary.

Not Safe For ANYTHING!

 
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