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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 20 Nov 12 18:33
Dear Spoof

Like Mr Gonad I too have suffered greatly at the hands of my spouse. Only a few minutes ago I spotted her smoking a cigarette in the kitchen and innocently asked if I could have a few puffs.

She then turned on me with a wild-eyed look, of what I can only describe as deep hatred and exclaimed "Fuck off and roll yer own you lazy sod!"

It goes without saying that I immediately involved the police.

Teddy Spunk

From News Discussion / Tank Engine Drivers Describe 'Living Engine' Nightmare on Island of Sodor
Posted 20 Nov 12 18:04
I found Collins' contribution excellent, with first rate syntax and punctuation whereas Dutton seemed lacklustre and totally off his game with ropey dialogue and laboured descriptive passages......................or was it the other way round? *worries*


From General Discussion / Dear Inchy
Posted 20 Nov 12 17:58
Sweet As!....

There yer go Inchy my son! Hours and hours of shopping pleasure for yers there geezer. Dont turn round to me and say I dont fucking look after me own alright squire?

I tell you what my son I've been having a good butchers meself and there's some absolute fucking bargains to be 'ad if you screw yer loaf.

Still got the compressors on special too mate! You can blow up your rubber girlfriend in 2 minutes flat with one of them little beauties sherrif. Well fucking handy if you cop a touch of the horn watching that little blond sort out of Girls Aloud showin' 'er drawers on that Strictly Dancing show on the box eh what? GRRRRRRRRRR know what I mean son?

Right I'll leave yer too it guvnor, me tea's on the table and the old woman's done me a nice bit of gruel with extra water......and no gruel.

Bints eh chief? Can't live wiv em, cant drown em in a bucket.

Be lucky my son. Gertcha!

From General Discussion / BBC Children In Need
Posted 20 Nov 12 17:39
Ah the good old ICF! Takes me back and no error RG. Happy carefree, blood spattered days when with a merry quip and a jaunty swipe of the Stanley blade we'd slash and mutilate our workaday cares away. *lights pipe and wipes away small tear*

As for Children in need, I spotted a little saucepan crying his eyes out on the steps of the local church earlier.

"What's up Fruitgum" I asked

"Me mum's just died" he announced, bursting into tears again.

"Blimey what a sickner!" I replied sticking me hand on his shoulder. "Would you like me to go inside and get the priest?"

"No thanks" he said "The last thing I feel like doing now is having sex"

It's all in the timing folks

From News Discussion / Cole Hole Gang Uproar!
Posted 20 Nov 12 12:59
More madcap,Milliganesque mayhem from our much maligned mahogany mantlepiece mauling mate there.


From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 19 Nov 12 18:54
^^^^^^^ beef drink guzzling, Aylesbury Under 90s Male Prostitute Of The Year with bad back there.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 19 Nov 12 18:50
Dear Spoof

I noticed earlier that there were 5 registered users online but all were inactive.

Small wonder then that we're fast becoming a nation of lardy-arsed gutbuckets and lumbering old tugboats with tits down to our ankles like Miss Chokesondick out of South Park.

So come on Spoofeteers haul your sorry asses from that sofa and give me 50.

I promise to spend it wisely.

Sebastian Penis-Restraint

From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 19 Nov 12 18:40
^^^^^^^^^ Nasty piece of work whose vitriolic attacks on moi and others has led to him being dubbed persona non grata at every drinker in the land, especially The Coal Hole.

Now then I've just tried to spam up The Huff with my latest spoof "London Kebab Shop Destroyed In Israeli Airstrike On Hummus" but they weren't having any and told me to fuck off and take my anti zionist diatribes with me.

I felt miserable

PS The piece hasnt gone live yet so dont get all excited. It's had 5 viewings but has been held up by a Mossad secret agent and Armfeetandtoe who hates me and wants me dead.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Nov 12 19:12
Dear Spoof

Please inform Mr Slaughterer that his isolation and his blackballing from The Coal Hole Club is richly deserved and comes as no surprise to me whatsoever given his confrontational demeanour and his constant vitriolic attacks on the other punters which have seen countless victims of his acid tongue and dirty Japanese sneak attacks take their own lives and where he has even been known to gang up using a ratio of 12 to 1, causing quite a few bods to not only fold but to fold like girls.

I suggest we lure him to the boozer on 15th December with promises of free grog and a go on the barmaid and then once we have him within the portals we not only hang him but hang him high.


Lorraine Kelly
22 You-Puir-Wee-Thing Avenue
Philip Schofield Trading Estate
County Paedo

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Nov 12 14:14
Dear Spoof

I should like to assure my good friend and confee....confy.....confido....geezer what listens to my dialogue, Mr Armandhammer-gently-explosive-maternity-teeth-whitening-gel that the only way he'll upset any of the Coal Hole Firm is if he happens to sit on one of em.

See you there Half Pint.

Olive Dee
Platform 9
Charing Cross Station
The Posh Section

From News Discussion / American Koreans are an endangered species
Posted 18 Nov 12 08:53
What he just said.

From Magazine Discussion / The Official Texas State Secession Committee Interview
Posted 18 Nov 12 08:43
Two friggin' weeks and a dozen rewrites? Holy Repetitive Writer's Cramp Injury Bat Frankie!

If I dont get one of these here spoof suckers written and submitted in 30 mins flat I kick mah pappy's coon dawg!

Great piece. Enjoyed it.


From General Discussion / Message From Churchmouse's Exotic Missus Who's Far Too Good For Him
Posted 18 Nov 12 08:10
^^^^^^ Lootenant General in feisty drunken mood there.


Churchmouse's Exotic Missus - Ello Ello zis ees Chantel ere, the exotic meessees of ze 'ighly overpaid central 'eating botherer Churchmouse. 'ow can I 'elp you?

Moi - Oh ullo Chazza, it's Cliveypops Treacle. Is the guvnor about only I want a quick word with the boy.

CEM - Ello Cliveypopz my leetle Breetesh Renault Five. No 'e is not 'ere. 'e 'as gone to collect 'is wages in ze giant wheelbarrow. Can I 'elp you my leetle petit pois?

Moi - No you're alright Chaz, it's just that old Skoob's got a writing compo on the go and I wanted to ask Gazza whether he was thinking of entering and that.

CEM - Sacre bleu!!! You mean ze Skoob oo is ze doyen of ze Spoof??? But i sought 'e was at bay??

Moi - Yeah well 'e was darlin' but 'is missus told him to sort his self out and get a grip and that.

CEM - Zis meessees you talk about my leetle aide de camp, is she exotic aussi?

Moi - Well she's fairly exotic yes love. Nice lady. Not as exotic as you of course Chazza! Nobody is!!!

CEM - Does she rule ze Skoob with ze rod of iron and 'as she slowly reduced heem to, ow you say eet, ze pussywhipped arseole?

Moi - I'll say she 'as Fruitgum. Why do you think 'e spends 'alf his poxy life at bay love?

CEM - and 'e is starting ze writing compo? But 'e must know zat you are ze compo winning legend of all ze times and zat you will peess all over ze other writers and win by ze abzolute country mile no?

Moi - Yeah I know sweetheart, I feel a bit sorry for the boy to be fair but what can you do girl?

CEM - 'e eez a fool to heemself and will end up crying in ze lonely room like ze beeg blubbering vagina after you have wiped ze floor weeth heem in ze compo my leetle piece de resistance. Now I 'ave to go as I can 'ear ze overpaid pipe bending pomme de terre, 'usband coming in. "ZE CHURCHMOUSE! PUT ZE MONEY IN ZE COAL BUNKER AND GET ON WEETH THE IRONING OF YOUR FRENCH KNEEKERS YOU LEETLE BREETESH TWAT!"

Moi - Alright Chazza. Nice speaking to yers darlin'

CEM - Au revoir Cliveypopz my leetle Eeenglish Cul De Sac.


Ze Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

From General Discussion / Message From Churchmouse's Exotic Missus Who's Far Too Good For Him
Posted 17 Nov 12 14:54
'ello my leetle Breeteesh chums. Churchmouse's exotic missus 'ere.

Ze Churchmouse 'e weel not be participating in ze writing compo zis Saturday because 'e weel be doing, 'ow you say eet?, ze washing up.

Anyway I 'ave told heem it iz futile 'im trying to win because zat compo legend Cliveypops Danton 'e is going to win by ze absolute country mile.

Oh oui!

I 'ave to go now to be making sure ze Churchmouse'e 'as been mucking out ze escargot grooming bay.

Au revoir my leetle petits fours


From News Discussion / Florida Man Still In Line To Vote
Posted 17 Nov 12 13:46
Above average then was it mate?


From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 17 Nov 12 13:05

Check out the name of the Chief Exec of The Mother's Union in this piece.

Look carefully and you'll see my comment which will obviously come as an added bonus and rare treat for you.

You scum!

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 17 Nov 12 12:50





Lady Hermione Simpson
22 Burdette Mews
London W3

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 17 Nov 12 07:34
Dear Spoof

I read in my newspaper this morning that X Factor judge and homemade grumble movie enthusiast Tulissa Costantanopolploplopliplopliploploilois sent a tweet pertaining to her love rival in a tryst involving herself and some fuckwitted premier league football playing cunt that I've never heard of, stating "u r a liar n a pschotic obsessed nutta"

She then tweeted shortly after "i dont want 2 get in 2 a public war of words"

So that's that cleared up then


From General Discussion / Francois Dubois' US of A v Goddamn Limey Fags Quiz Of Doom
Posted 17 Nov 12 06:51
^^^^^^^ Goddamn limey doyen sonofabitch at bay there.

From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 17 Nov 12 05:24
Interesting Lady

Might have a toddle down to see her work at some point folks

From General Discussion / BBC Children In Need
Posted 17 Nov 12 04:46
Dear Simon

I only watch it in case that tasty oriental looking bint out of BBC London News comes on and does a soft shoe shuffle in stockings and suspenders.

Only last night as she was telling us about a bloke being stabbed on the District Line I said to my missus. "Do you reckon I could be in there love?"

Without looking up from her copy of Enema Digest she remarked dryly "I wouldn't have thought so no"

I felt miserable

From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 17 Nov 12 04:38
^^^^^^^ Doyen of The Spoof giving succour to a more junior contributor and by so doing providing living proof that he's not at bay as has been suggested in some quarters.

Personally I've never been given a one thumb rating for any of my work, despite being a perennial compo winning legend who routinely pisses over all the other writer's risible efforts on my way to compo winning glory.

In point of fact I have to run a gauntlet of nude birds every time I leave my house who cry out to me "Please make love to us all one by one Cliveypops you big 5 thumb hunk of burning love you!"

Naturally I make my excuses and leave.

Only yesterday I had a spoof published based on Dr Watson being struck off the medical register for laziness and as soon as it went live a female hand came out of my monitor and began stroking my face as a husky voice said "What an absolutely first rate Spoof Clivey! I bet nobody will give THAT wonderful effort a one thumb rating, despite the fact you win all the compos by an absolute country mile"

She then masturbated me to completion before I had a chance to make my excuses and leave.

Absolutely true story that is. My mate told me.

From General Discussion / Francois Dubois' US of A v Goddamn Limey Fags Quiz Of Doom
Posted 17 Nov 12 04:22
*broad shouldered figure in milly-tairy uniform rumbles into thread atop Sherman Tank*

Ok limeys now hear this! Mah name is Dubois, Lootenant General Dubois, and ah'm here to impress upon you tea sippin' limey sonsabitches just how damn insignificant you are in comparison to the citizens of the Yoonited States Of Americee goddamit!!

Ah aim to do this by askin' y'all to answer a few simple questions ya hear me now ya dumn shmucks??

Question number 1 - Who has the best chocolate bar in the whole goddam motherfuckin' world?

Is it:

a) The totally awesome Hershey Bar.


b) That goddamn limp piece o' chocolate shit you limey assholes call The Nestles Milky Bar.

Goddammit there aint no contest people! What kinda two bit, mommy's boy faggot's gonna chow down on a piece o' shit with milk in it fer chrissakes?

Now looky here, ah'm gonna be back with more questions for y'all as soon as ah done kicking mah limey butler's candy ass from New York State to motherfuckin' Alabamee!

Damn that titty chawin' s.o.b.'s sure had it comin'!

From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 16 Nov 12 16:45
It may interest Mr Of-Mayfair to know that The Queen neither eats nor drinks as this would inevitably result in her going to the toilet which is quite clearly unthinkable so she has a number of "Food And Drink Wallahs" to do it on her behalf.

Absolutely kosher that is. Geezer down the pub told me.

From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 16 Nov 12 16:25
And while I'm about it I'll tell you another thing about Bovril shall I?

If Churchmouse asked his exotic missus who's far to good for him to bring him a mug of steaming, nutritious Bovril she'd bring it in a solid gold mug on a diamond encrusted tray and say:

"ere eez your Bovril Churchmouse. Be careful with eet as eet ees very 'ot my dalinks"

and he would say

"Thanks exotic missus who's far too good for me. Can I have a biscuit with it please love?"

and she would reply...

"Get your own beecuits you lazee Eenglish bleeder. I am far too exotic to do thees type of theeng"

Oh yes.

46 Pages - «« « 3 4 [5] 6 7 » »»
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