Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof (now celebrating...etc)

What an absolute joke the so-called British justice system is! Whilst driving to work this morning I spotted a police officer chatting away in an extremely friendly manner to a lorry driver who'd just shed his load on the carriageway and yet when I did the same thing whilst peeping through the curtains of the ladies changing room in Marks & Spencers I was fined £250 and given a 6 month suspended sentence for lewd conduct. Where's the justice in that?

Marvin Cleavage
Top Shop
Brisbane

^^^^^^^ The undisputed doyen of The Spoof demonstrating that he's not at bay at all by fearlessly flying in the face of acronomy and bumping up Dear Spoof (now celebrating its glorious 1280th post) and mentioning Germany there.

Dear Spoof

What a con the concept of free speech on The Huffington Post is! Last night I happened to mention that I was quite glad that Governor Mitt Romney wasn't the leader of the free world and immediately received a threatening email which included a boxing glove on a spring from the political editor who referred to me as "A goddamn limey, pinko fag and a commie loving s.o.b."

I felt miserable

Anon.

Dear Spoof

After making a humorous remark about gay marriage on The Huffington Post earlier I received 9 "faves" and 4 comments which included one from a lady who said I sounded "very nice" and "a good man" and one from a young chap who wanted to bum me.

I shall therefore be restricting myself to contributing to that august publication for the foreseeable as it would appear that the dear old spoof forum has gone the same way as large tufts of my wife's hair after she's washed it in the bath............down the plughole.

Va con Dios.

Olive Dee
22 Shit Street
Lower Huffington
Dumfries

I bet you don't know what he means when he says he's going to "cut your jacobs off" though do yers eh???

Now then. Here's me and my mate Del doing a spot of racing commentary.

Not Safe For ANYTHING!

Gorging On Rhino Gizzard Initiates Nasty Gastroenteritis.

Just back from The Cenotaph in actual fact gentlemen. I was amazed to see so many elderly gentlemen in wheelchairs wearing British Army uniform.

It just makes it all the more incredible that we beat the Germans at all given the frailty of our troops doesn't it?

At the going down of the sun and in the morning we will remember them.

Wilfred Owen's haunting and stark portrayal of the confusion and alarm experienced by a 1st World War soldier during a gas attack on one of the killing fields of France in 1917.

In the final stanza the poet spits out the line Dulce e decorum est pro patria mori. "It is sweet and fitting to die for one's country" A grim testimony to the futility and filth of warfare and the heartbreaking nobility of those called upon to wage it.



Dulce Et Decorum Est

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Following on from a previous thread in which a rather forthright chap quit his position on a high note, here's how to actively gain employment with a multinational company without really trying

3DSX/www.bored.com/photos/funnymcdonaldsjobapplication.html/">He's Lovin' It!

Just for Ellie and PoM and indeed all our wonderful American cousins here are some vets I made earlier.....

Suction please nurse

No don't thank me!

No DC - Charing Cross line PoM?

Are you sure about this my friend???

What an engineering faux pas!!

I'll just have to have your share then old chap. Don't worry I'll force em down like the trooper I truly am sir

I'm diving up to the old centotaph on Sundee to pay me respects to the fallen and all that old game and will be raising a glass to their memory in The Coal Hole around 12.00 or thereabouts so if anyone fancies a bit of a skinful and a jolly good vomit outside Charing Cross station feel free to join me.

YER ME BESHT MATES YOU ARE! I'LL TEK THE FUCKIN' LOT OF YERSH! I LOVE MY KIDS I DO! GISSA FAG YER BASHTAS! BLEEEEEEEEEERGH!

GERTCHA!

Do you actually WANT me to gang up on you using a ratio of 12 to 1 mate!

Christ!

Hehehe yeah it tickled me too Simon. I always think the Yanks pull off this kind of shit much better than we Brits to be fair to them.

They're just a damn sight ruder I guess

You dont Frankie. That's for me to know and for you to lose 2 consecutive nights sleep over.

However I do know that the above letter might easily have flowed from the acid dipped tip of your very own quill pen dear boy. hehehe

Or at least this guy does......

Any Chance Of A Reference Boss?

I wonder if they had a collection. Hmmmmmm

I don't know how familiar you are with Spike's work over there in faraway Macademia PoM but he's a legend this side of the puddle and a comic genius par excellence.

He's one of those rare performers that can have you splitting your sides without him having uttered a word.

Check out some of his comedic gems on Youtube and you'll see what I mean. I particularly recommend The Irish Olympics

And now for something completely similar....

Turned Out Nice Again...

Genius

DONT PANIK AND DONT TAWK ABART OWR PRESHUS ANGLE CLYDE DUN LYKE WOT RADEEOGOOGLE AND ARMEATATOE JUS DUN TAWKED AND THAT.

'E WAS BRORT DAHN TO ERF BYE JESSUS TWO SAYVE THE WELD FRUM PANIKKING AND THAT. 'E WOZ THE REEL STAR OUT OV DADZ ARMEE AND KNOT CAPTIN MANRING OR STOOPID BUOY PYKE AND WEN 'E MAYDE 'IS NUMBER WON CHOON "GRANDAD" E NEVAH WUNCE TRYED TWO 'AVE A BUNK UP WIV THE KIDZ IN THE VIDDYO LYKE WOT THAT JIMMEE SAVEL WOOD 'AVE DUN.

'E'S UP IN 'EAVEN NAH WIV OWR UVVER BOOTYFUL ANGLES JAYNE GUDDIE AND TOMMY KOOPAH OO WOZ KRUELY TAKEN FROM ERF BYE KANCER.

GAWD LUV AND SAYVE ALL OWR DED ANGLES AND KEEP EM SAFE FRUM ARM!

OLIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

It's reassuring to know that in these troubled times of fiscal turmoil and global political unrest at least one man has his finger on the pulse of mankind and aint afraid to address the issues that really count.

I voted "We know they're bald"...........especially when they turn their heads quickly and their noses arrive marginally before their fringes.

You're foolin' nobody guys!!

Frankie it is my surmise that there are just two sub-eds on The Huff.

One is a jovial, avuncular fat guy who looks like John Candy and happily passes any shit we people care to write.

The other is a dried up old widder woman with a pince nez on the end of her nose and a fanny so tight she squeaks when she gets up to fetch The Gideon Bible from the sideboard.

I always seem to end up with Miss Faversham hehehe.

PS Fanny in England is different to fanny in the US btw. Over here it's on the other side.

PPS It's heartening to see old Arm is worried about my parlous position in the writer's chart also. Yesterday I was 14th. Today I'm languishing so far down I can feel old Diablo prodding his red hot fork in mah perdy ass

Who do they have as sub editor these days, the North Korean cultural attache?

Two perfectly innocuous and hopefully amusing comments made by moi in the last two days, completely profanity free I might add.....(no really!) neither of which saw that the light of cyber day for some unfathomable reason.

One was lampooning the cast of Geordie Shore, and let's be brutally honest here, no bunch of fake tanned fuckwits deserve it more, and the other one was ripping the piss out of Justin Bieber, an act for which nothing less than 200 quid from the public purse would suffice as a reward.

Conversely I made a rather off colour remark about Jimmy Savile and The Yorkshire Ripper which was deemed to be just the ticket and earned me a number of "likes" from deeply impressed fellow contributors.

Funny old world aint it folks?

^^^^^^ The doyen at bay there!

Tally Ho!.........Yoicks!.....etc.

I remember when this was all fields!

I know what you mean though mate. It's a tad moribund of late to say the least. Even the tumbleweeds have got tumbleweed problems. It's a shame to see the old place in shit state like this for sure but when all's said and done if people cant be arsed then there's not much a poor boy can do really.

Still you dont like to grumble do yers? I'm sure it'll pick up again given time.

*lights pipe in cheery but staunch manner and builds baseball park*

^^^^^^^^Tommy Twinkle again there!!! I like old Tommy me. He writes a good spoof does Tommy. Of course none of his spoofs are as good as mine........NOBODY'S ARE!!!!

Dear Spoof

I'm going to fit a new clutch cable in my mate's bird's Toyota Yaris later.....YOU'RE NOT!!!

Then I'm going to settle down to watch The Abu Dhabi Grand Prix whilst whistling up cups of tea and tasty snacks from my missus who will immediately hop to it and bring me in a lovely mug of splosh and a jam doughnut within seconds saying lovingly "Here you are you handsome brute you! If you need anything else just snap your fingers and I'll be standing attentively at your side within seconds simply aching to serve you and do your bidding. Thank you for talking to me you absolute hunk you, I really dont deserve it you know. Here's a million quid up front for sharing the same room with me"...........................I expect.

Cliveypops Dee
Shed
Back Garden
Olde London Towne