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From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 25 Nov 12 08:52

Never let it be said the we Brits dont know how to partaaaaaaay.

*blows on squeaker and draws syringe of blood*

From General Discussion / Prison bitches of the world, Unite!
Posted 24 Nov 12 22:55

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 24 Nov 12 10:20
Quest TV Freeview Channel 38 11.00PM

Crime Museum UK With Martin Kemp.

Martin Kemp showcases his acting career after getting the boot from Spandau Ballet for being a Brylcreemed twat.

From General Discussion / Who Gave JR A Break, Allowing Him To Die Of Natural Causes?
Posted 24 Nov 12 10:11
My money's on Sue Ellen who dreamed that she'd shot him after taking a shower and then subsequently felt so full of remorse she decided to completely let him off.

I used to quite like her and spent many happy Saturday evenings marveling at the speed she could make her lower lip quiver.

Very talented lady indeed in my view.

I couldn't stand Bobby though and wanted to kick his smarmy, goody-two-shoes ass. On the bright side he was quite good in The Man From Atlantis.

Oh yes.

From News Discussion / Underperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Posted 24 Nov 12 06:31



From News Discussion / Mechanic Claims To Have Seen The Face Of Christ On Apprentice's Buttocks
Posted 23 Nov 12 19:23
Thanks Skoobie although this was meant to be kept under wraps until I unleashed it on an unsuspecting compo world tomorrer hahaha.

Frankie, you're a diamond mate and I just 5'd your latest masterpiece in appro. My Life As A Writer's Chart Ass Kicking God or something.

I'm loving that shit mate. Seriously good stuff.

Thanks for the mention on FB btw.

Wuff oo babezzzz! hehehe

From General Discussion / Dear Inchy
Posted 23 Nov 12 17:41
Strike a fucking light Inchy boy!!! I've just been having a butchers at the old Lidl Online caper and they've only got a pair of workmans overalls on the menu for 20 bastard sovs my son!

On top of that they're knocking out rolls of insulation tape for only 2 notes!!

Listen my son here's the tickle. You get on the trumpet to that big old German sort you're giving a nudge and get her round this Sundee, follow me?

Then once she's cooked you a nice bit o' dinner and got herself comfy on the sofa you dive in the bedroom and come out with yer workman's togs on alright? I tell you what my son the fucking blart absolutely lap it up! She'll be foaming at the gash before you can say "Mons Veneris" know what I'm saying boy?

Then all you have to do is tape the fucker down to the sofa and bob's your fucking uncle squire. Stick a bit over her cakehole too while you're about it. I mean to say you dont want to have to listen to their dialogue while you sort the fuckers out do yers? I mean you cop for enough of that old game when they're cracking on with the ironing dont yers?

Alright then sherrif? Beautiful!

Let me know how you get on next week sometime chief but I'm fucking telling you mate, if you dont hit the jackpot with old Brunhilde or whatever her bastard name is, I'm a fucking Chinaman old son.

Sweet as!

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 23 Nov 12 08:24
Really TV Freeview Ch 17 2.00pm.

"Hotter Than My Daughter"

A woman's cautionary tale of how she fought a chip pan blaze in her kitchen while her daughter led an expedition to The North Pole.

From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 22 Nov 12 17:33
Yes. Yes I do.

Now then, I've not had any Bovril today but don't let that fool you as I still have plenty left in the jar and fully intend to finish it by the time I next have to go to Lidl.

In fact I may have a warming mug of the beefy beverage before I turn in for the night instead of my customary Ovaltine.

I'm a maverick at the end of the day you see my friends. Routine and and toeing the line is anathema to me. I just dont care at the end of the day to be honest with you. I'm quite prepared to fly directly in the face of convention and substitute a comforting malted milk drink for a nourishing beefy one and I dont care who knows it!

I mean to say if you'd offered Chris Bonnington a mug of Horlicks as he stood proudly alongside the fluttering Union Flag atop The Matterhorn you can bet your life he'd have told you to "Fuck off out of it and bring us me Bovril"

Oh YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 21 Nov 12 19:26
Average time a premier league footie ace spends in the shower is 9.45mins 34secs according to the available statistics.

Of course this figure goes up considerably in the case of the team bummer.

I hope this helps.

From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 21 Nov 12 16:52
Just been looking up a few stats for Leyton Orient on Wiki (as one does) and the highest transfer fee they've shelled out is £170k for some bloke from Wigan in 1989. In a world where somebody like Carlos Tevez shoves that sort of wedge in the fruity down the boozer every night there's something rather beautiful about that.

As an interesting, or not as the case may be, footnote, their biggest win was 8-0 against Palace (my old woman's lot hehehe) in 1955 and their heaviest defeat was by the same margin against Villa in the FA Cup 3rd round in 1929. I love synchronicity in me footie stats dont you?

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 21 Nov 12 12:08
No this isn't a thread where you'll be asked to select the best one from a selection of gentlemen dressed in ladies togs as that would be silly and futile because as we all know our Debbie would win by an absolute country mile and piss all over the other cross-dressers with almost laughable ease.

No my friends what's required here is to select a television programme from the listings based on whether it's rather jolly good or conversely a big steaming pile of jobbies.

For example, I notice that tonight on BBC3 at 9.00pm there's something called "I Hate My Body" in which a number of skinny male wretches bemoan the fact that they keep slipping down kerb drains and that you can play a large selection of popular melodies on their ribcages with xylophone sticks.

My answer to them would be. "Yes I expect you do, you tragic bunch of emaciated skinbacks but would you mind not treating me to the sight of your bony little carcasses while I'm trying to wolf down my cheese and crackers!"

I mean to say, there's no need for it is there?

From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 21 Nov 12 07:45
You Lucky, Lucky Lady!

To whom it may concern *puffs on pipe seductively and peeps over top of fluttering fan*

From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 21 Nov 12 06:25
Always had a soft spot for The "O"s even though they hate us, but that's ok. I used to go down to watch em from time to time when The Irons were at Old Trafford and The Firm were too shit scared to come out of their slums.

I remember going with me grandad and paying something daft like 2/6d to watch em turn over Crewe Alexandra 3-0. Trouble was the old boy was so bladdered he was convinced they'd lost and even slagged em off to me nan when we got home hehehe.

Lovely friendly little club, nice family atmosphere at Brisbane Road and the Bovril's to die for. Love em

PS It'll always be Brisbane Road to me btw. Matchroom Stadium my claret and blue arse

From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 20 Nov 12 20:07
My Auntie Doll supports Leyton Orient. She's from Walthamstow.

If I mention West Ham she says......

"Dont talk about them fuckers in my 'ouse!"

Oh yes.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 20 Nov 12 18:33
Dear Spoof

Like Mr Gonad I too have suffered greatly at the hands of my spouse. Only a few minutes ago I spotted her smoking a cigarette in the kitchen and innocently asked if I could have a few puffs.

She then turned on me with a wild-eyed look, of what I can only describe as deep hatred and exclaimed "Fuck off and roll yer own you lazy sod!"

It goes without saying that I immediately involved the police.

Teddy Spunk

From News Discussion / Tank Engine Drivers Describe 'Living Engine' Nightmare on Island of Sodor
Posted 20 Nov 12 18:04
I found Collins' contribution excellent, with first rate syntax and punctuation whereas Dutton seemed lacklustre and totally off his game with ropey dialogue and laboured descriptive passages......................or was it the other way round? *worries*


From General Discussion / Dear Inchy
Posted 20 Nov 12 17:58
Sweet As!....

There yer go Inchy my son! Hours and hours of shopping pleasure for yers there geezer. Dont turn round to me and say I dont fucking look after me own alright squire?

I tell you what my son I've been having a good butchers meself and there's some absolute fucking bargains to be 'ad if you screw yer loaf.

Still got the compressors on special too mate! You can blow up your rubber girlfriend in 2 minutes flat with one of them little beauties sherrif. Well fucking handy if you cop a touch of the horn watching that little blond sort out of Girls Aloud showin' 'er drawers on that Strictly Dancing show on the box eh what? GRRRRRRRRRR know what I mean son?

Right I'll leave yer too it guvnor, me tea's on the table and the old woman's done me a nice bit of gruel with extra water......and no gruel.

Bints eh chief? Can't live wiv em, cant drown em in a bucket.

Be lucky my son. Gertcha!

From General Discussion / BBC Children In Need
Posted 20 Nov 12 17:39
Ah the good old ICF! Takes me back and no error RG. Happy carefree, blood spattered days when with a merry quip and a jaunty swipe of the Stanley blade we'd slash and mutilate our workaday cares away. *lights pipe and wipes away small tear*

As for Children in need, I spotted a little saucepan crying his eyes out on the steps of the local church earlier.

"What's up Fruitgum" I asked

"Me mum's just died" he announced, bursting into tears again.

"Blimey what a sickner!" I replied sticking me hand on his shoulder. "Would you like me to go inside and get the priest?"

"No thanks" he said "The last thing I feel like doing now is having sex"

It's all in the timing folks

From News Discussion / Cole Hole Gang Uproar!
Posted 20 Nov 12 12:59
More madcap,Milliganesque mayhem from our much maligned mahogany mantlepiece mauling mate there.


From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 19 Nov 12 18:54
^^^^^^^ beef drink guzzling, Aylesbury Under 90s Male Prostitute Of The Year with bad back there.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 19 Nov 12 18:50
Dear Spoof

I noticed earlier that there were 5 registered users online but all were inactive.

Small wonder then that we're fast becoming a nation of lardy-arsed gutbuckets and lumbering old tugboats with tits down to our ankles like Miss Chokesondick out of South Park.

So come on Spoofeteers haul your sorry asses from that sofa and give me 50.

I promise to spend it wisely.

Sebastian Penis-Restraint

From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 19 Nov 12 18:40
^^^^^^^^^ Nasty piece of work whose vitriolic attacks on moi and others has led to him being dubbed persona non grata at every drinker in the land, especially The Coal Hole.

Now then I've just tried to spam up The Huff with my latest spoof "London Kebab Shop Destroyed In Israeli Airstrike On Hummus" but they weren't having any and told me to fuck off and take my anti zionist diatribes with me.

I felt miserable

PS The piece hasnt gone live yet so dont get all excited. It's had 5 viewings but has been held up by a Mossad secret agent and Armfeetandtoe who hates me and wants me dead.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Nov 12 19:12
Dear Spoof

Please inform Mr Slaughterer that his isolation and his blackballing from The Coal Hole Club is richly deserved and comes as no surprise to me whatsoever given his confrontational demeanour and his constant vitriolic attacks on the other punters which have seen countless victims of his acid tongue and dirty Japanese sneak attacks take their own lives and where he has even been known to gang up using a ratio of 12 to 1, causing quite a few bods to not only fold but to fold like girls.

I suggest we lure him to the boozer on 15th December with promises of free grog and a go on the barmaid and then once we have him within the portals we not only hang him but hang him high.


Lorraine Kelly
22 You-Puir-Wee-Thing Avenue
Philip Schofield Trading Estate
County Paedo

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 18 Nov 12 14:14
Dear Spoof

I should like to assure my good friend and confee....confy.....confido....geezer what listens to my dialogue, Mr Armandhammer-gently-explosive-maternity-teeth-whitening-gel that the only way he'll upset any of the Coal Hole Firm is if he happens to sit on one of em.

See you there Half Pint.

Olive Dee
Platform 9
Charing Cross Station
The Posh Section

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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