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From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 06:31
Prime example #1 - BBC World Service Financial Correspondent Tim Boner. No really, I heard the poor sap at around 5.00am this morning giving an account of the fiscal crisis in Portugal and the female presenter in the studio didn't even have the decency to burst out laughing when she announced him! *seethe*

Prime Example #2 - Armfeetandtoe so that I don't trace his address via the electoral register and destroy him.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Nov 12 15:44
Dear Spoof

What a con these so-called severe weather warnings are. On the BBC news a moment ago I heard the forecaster quite clearly say. "The worst is yet to come as the heavy rain and strong winds move north"

This is quite clearly errant nonsense. I live in London and as far as I'm concerned the worst is very much over and the fact that people in the north of the country are going to be killed by falling trees is neither here nor there to me.

Dave Fuck

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 26 Nov 12 08:35
BBC 3 8.00pm

Great British Railway Journeys

Cliveypops takes the 1.10pm District Line tube to Upton Park before having a skinful in The Queens Arms and then watches West Ham beat Arsenal 500-0 after extra time.

From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 26 Nov 12 06:54
I've just realised that in over 20 zillion posts to The Huff I have only been serious once and that was in reply to a blog when I spoke out vehemently against women's boxing only to be given a savage beasting by some butch tart with a gumshield.

Do I win 5 hard rounds of grueling punishment before stopping my missus on cuts?

From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 26 Nov 12 06:34
Apart from extreme bondage and asphyxiation when I routinely take myself up to, and on occasion beyond, the point of death, one of the greatest pleasures I have in life is to shave my head in the shower (which I have just done incidentally) and then to spray my recently cropped swede with a really cheap cologne from the 99p shop which contains more alcohol than a "Let's Get Really Pissed" night at The Seaman's Mission before watering the pot plants in the bedroom with my tears.

What's your greatest pleasure in life my friends? You can tell me. I mean it's not as if I'm a mechanic or anything.

From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 26 Nov 12 05:26
Don't panic my friends, the scream's off! I've been given the all clear!!!!

Thank fuck for tha..................*thud*

From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 26 Nov 12 04:57
I must confess that on occasion it's about as much fun in here as a night around the mouth organ in The Warsaw Ghetto, so I do see where you're coming from on this one AB.

Huff Post headlinr this morning:

"Woman Held After Riding Ocean Manatee".

The mind boggles..................

Well mine does anyway folks

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 25 Nov 12 18:43
No mate you're a long way from matching the sheer obnoxious qualities of this joker. He's a nonce, a coward, a sleazy two bob fat cunt and a piece of stinking human filth par excellence and if I ever run into the mug again I'll take a tyre iron to him.

How I didn't straighten him the first time I clocked him is a tribute to my fabled sangue froid and my reserved cockney nature.

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 25 Nov 12 10:58
Really TV Freeview Ch.17 9.00pm

Embarrassing Bodies - Dr Pixie (no really) offers personal hygiene advice to people going on stag and hen nights.

This is of course a euphemism for some absolute mingers being told to get in the bath and have a bloody good Bob Squash.

I went to one of these Facebook gatherings once, where the slavering sex offender and the perennially ugly meet up to lie to each other about how happy they are, and one of the geezers there was a bit like that. In short he was a fat stinking **** with 'orrible yellow gnashers and breath that would fell a charging bull from 100 paces.

Apart from that it was a joy to meet the boy.

From General Discussion / Who Gave JR A Break, Allowing Him To Die Of Natural Causes?
Posted 25 Nov 12 09:15
^^^^^^^ cyber bully and Miss Ellie fan there folks.

Larry was the archetypal pantomime villain and if he'd worn a moustache you can bet your last petro dollar he'd have twirled it.

I actually used to have a sneaking admiration for the conniving old bastard, particularly when he used to stick it to that smarmy little turd Cliff Barnes. hehehehe

RIP Big fella.

*takes hold of bottom lip and makes it go up and down very quickly indeed*

From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 25 Nov 12 08:52

Never let it be said the we Brits dont know how to partaaaaaaay.

*blows on squeaker and draws syringe of blood*

From General Discussion / Prison bitches of the world, Unite!
Posted 24 Nov 12 22:55

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 24 Nov 12 10:20
Quest TV Freeview Channel 38 11.00PM

Crime Museum UK With Martin Kemp.

Martin Kemp showcases his acting career after getting the boot from Spandau Ballet for being a Brylcreemed twat.

From General Discussion / Who Gave JR A Break, Allowing Him To Die Of Natural Causes?
Posted 24 Nov 12 10:11
My money's on Sue Ellen who dreamed that she'd shot him after taking a shower and then subsequently felt so full of remorse she decided to completely let him off.

I used to quite like her and spent many happy Saturday evenings marveling at the speed she could make her lower lip quiver.

Very talented lady indeed in my view.

I couldn't stand Bobby though and wanted to kick his smarmy, goody-two-shoes ass. On the bright side he was quite good in The Man From Atlantis.

Oh yes.

From News Discussion / Underperforming Rafael Benitez Sacked By Chelsea
Posted 24 Nov 12 06:31



From News Discussion / Mechanic Claims To Have Seen The Face Of Christ On Apprentice's Buttocks
Posted 23 Nov 12 19:23
Thanks Skoobie although this was meant to be kept under wraps until I unleashed it on an unsuspecting compo world tomorrer hahaha.

Frankie, you're a diamond mate and I just 5'd your latest masterpiece in appro. My Life As A Writer's Chart Ass Kicking God or something.

I'm loving that shit mate. Seriously good stuff.

Thanks for the mention on FB btw.

Wuff oo babezzzz! hehehe

From General Discussion / Dear Inchy
Posted 23 Nov 12 17:41
Strike a fucking light Inchy boy!!! I've just been having a butchers at the old Lidl Online caper and they've only got a pair of workmans overalls on the menu for 20 bastard sovs my son!

On top of that they're knocking out rolls of insulation tape for only 2 notes!!

Listen my son here's the tickle. You get on the trumpet to that big old German sort you're giving a nudge and get her round this Sundee, follow me?

Then once she's cooked you a nice bit o' dinner and got herself comfy on the sofa you dive in the bedroom and come out with yer workman's togs on alright? I tell you what my son the fucking blart absolutely lap it up! She'll be foaming at the gash before you can say "Mons Veneris" know what I'm saying boy?

Then all you have to do is tape the fucker down to the sofa and bob's your fucking uncle squire. Stick a bit over her cakehole too while you're about it. I mean to say you dont want to have to listen to their dialogue while you sort the fuckers out do yers? I mean you cop for enough of that old game when they're cracking on with the ironing dont yers?

Alright then sherrif? Beautiful!

Let me know how you get on next week sometime chief but I'm fucking telling you mate, if you dont hit the jackpot with old Brunhilde or whatever her bastard name is, I'm a fucking Chinaman old son.

Sweet as!

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 23 Nov 12 08:24
Really TV Freeview Ch 17 2.00pm.

"Hotter Than My Daughter"

A woman's cautionary tale of how she fought a chip pan blaze in her kitchen while her daughter led an expedition to The North Pole.

From General Discussion / Bovril
Posted 22 Nov 12 17:33
Yes. Yes I do.

Now then, I've not had any Bovril today but don't let that fool you as I still have plenty left in the jar and fully intend to finish it by the time I next have to go to Lidl.

In fact I may have a warming mug of the beefy beverage before I turn in for the night instead of my customary Ovaltine.

I'm a maverick at the end of the day you see my friends. Routine and and toeing the line is anathema to me. I just dont care at the end of the day to be honest with you. I'm quite prepared to fly directly in the face of convention and substitute a comforting malted milk drink for a nourishing beefy one and I dont care who knows it!

I mean to say if you'd offered Chris Bonnington a mug of Horlicks as he stood proudly alongside the fluttering Union Flag atop The Matterhorn you can bet your life he'd have told you to "Fuck off out of it and bring us me Bovril"

Oh YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 21 Nov 12 19:26
Average time a premier league footie ace spends in the shower is 9.45mins 34secs according to the available statistics.

Of course this figure goes up considerably in the case of the team bummer.

I hope this helps.

From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 21 Nov 12 16:52
Just been looking up a few stats for Leyton Orient on Wiki (as one does) and the highest transfer fee they've shelled out is £170k for some bloke from Wigan in 1989. In a world where somebody like Carlos Tevez shoves that sort of wedge in the fruity down the boozer every night there's something rather beautiful about that.

As an interesting, or not as the case may be, footnote, their biggest win was 8-0 against Palace (my old woman's lot hehehe) in 1955 and their heaviest defeat was by the same margin against Villa in the FA Cup 3rd round in 1929. I love synchronicity in me footie stats dont you?

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 21 Nov 12 12:08
No this isn't a thread where you'll be asked to select the best one from a selection of gentlemen dressed in ladies togs as that would be silly and futile because as we all know our Debbie would win by an absolute country mile and piss all over the other cross-dressers with almost laughable ease.

No my friends what's required here is to select a television programme from the listings based on whether it's rather jolly good or conversely a big steaming pile of jobbies.

For example, I notice that tonight on BBC3 at 9.00pm there's something called "I Hate My Body" in which a number of skinny male wretches bemoan the fact that they keep slipping down kerb drains and that you can play a large selection of popular melodies on their ribcages with xylophone sticks.

My answer to them would be. "Yes I expect you do, you tragic bunch of emaciated skinbacks but would you mind not treating me to the sight of your bony little carcasses while I'm trying to wolf down my cheese and crackers!"

I mean to say, there's no need for it is there?

From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 21 Nov 12 07:45
You Lucky, Lucky Lady!

To whom it may concern *puffs on pipe seductively and peeps over top of fluttering fan*

From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 21 Nov 12 06:25
Always had a soft spot for The "O"s even though they hate us, but that's ok. I used to go down to watch em from time to time when The Irons were at Old Trafford and The Firm were too shit scared to come out of their slums.

I remember going with me grandad and paying something daft like 2/6d to watch em turn over Crewe Alexandra 3-0. Trouble was the old boy was so bladdered he was convinced they'd lost and even slagged em off to me nan when we got home hehehe.

Lovely friendly little club, nice family atmosphere at Brisbane Road and the Bovril's to die for. Love em

PS It'll always be Brisbane Road to me btw. Matchroom Stadium my claret and blue arse

From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 20 Nov 12 20:07
My Auntie Doll supports Leyton Orient. She's from Walthamstow.

If I mention West Ham she says......

"Dont talk about them fuckers in my 'ouse!"

Oh yes.

46 Pages - «« « 2 3 [4] 5 6 » »»
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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