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From Magazine Discussion / Lynton Erskin and Inchcock. The race. Part three
Posted 14 Mar 12 18:47
I just took my bookie to the cleaners but after that reading this gave me the most pleasure today.

Blinding stuff once more from Mr Armandhammer-Lightly-Carciogenic-Denture-Explosive


From News Discussion / Local Slimy Limey Man, Martin Shuttlecock Tailed By Gangstas On Harlem's 125th Street
Posted 14 Mar 12 18:37
A moving and fitting tribute to a competition winning maestro, a wonky-eyed superstud and slayer of UK bookies.


From News Discussion / Hosepipe Ban Latest
Posted 14 Mar 12 18:30

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 14 Mar 12 18:24
Dear Spoof

Good evening to both Mr Skoob and Mr F. The first of whom is extremely judgemental and hurtful by turn and the second of whom appears to be rather drunk.

As for my wonky left eye gentlemen it can be easily explained by informing you that my mum was a big fan of 1950s screen heartthrob and drunk chap, Robert Mitchum and in a bid to give me that famous, smouldering hooded eyes look she would routinely suspend 10lb dumbbell plates from my eyes immediately after I'd arrived home from playgroup.

Sadly we were so poor she could only afford the one plate and must have overdid it slightly on the left lid before she was eventually held and interned by the social services after just two years of the practice.

An inauspicious start in life I think you'll agree for a man who would eventually rise to become a top drawer writing competition god and scourge of bookmakers throughout this blessed albion.

As you were gents.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 14 Mar 12 15:45
Dear Spoof

I am now £25.00 richer thanks to a little 4 legged beauty called Finians Rainbow who romped home in the 3.20 at Cheltenham in similar convincing fashion to my own triumph in the writing compo when I absolutely pissed it, scattering my enemies and detractors before me.

Of course I shall remain humble of spirit and self effacing of manner and will in no way let this latest triumph change either my meagre lifestyle or quiet, thoughtful disposition.

I Remain Your Liege Lord And Utter Utter Superior

Cliveypops Earl Of Dee
Easy Street
St Lucia

From General Discussion / I'm all alone at home and on the Forum just now
Posted 14 Mar 12 06:58

Quote: Inchcock

14th March 2012: 0550hrs

All alone again!


"You're never alone with A Strand" Inchy.

Remember that one?

I know I dont.!

Good morning my malaise riddled mate

From General Discussion / Bachelor Spoof
Posted 14 Mar 12 06:54
Absolutely not!

Our TV schedules, and particularly ITV1, consist entirely of serious political debate, wildlife programmes and long periods where a picture of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is screened accompanied by stirring military music.

This sober state of affairs is only broken up by brief ad breaks in which a series of almost deliriously happy young ladies in dazzling white dresses or tight trousers, skip, dance, throw the javelin and generally live life high on the hog all because they are lucky enough to be on their menstrual cycle are and sporting a particular brand of lady's sanitary wear.

The networks then all close down at 10.00pm sharp and we all go to our beds wearing bowler hats and lay stiffly alongside each other discussing gardening in clipped accents and trying to avoid having marital relations. Especially the men.

I hope this helps.

From Magazine Discussion / Individual Replies to my Unsolicited Mail senders
Posted 13 Mar 12 20:00
Always a joy and never a chore to read of the latest trials and tubercular tribulations of Nottinghams favourite curmudgeon.

You're a pearl amongst bloody swine Inchy


From General Discussion / Conspiracy therores: True or False?
Posted 13 Mar 12 19:53
You know that George Clooney out of ER? He's got a wooden lip. A mate of mine who's a chippy on the film sets told me that. He said that when George used to go into makeup my mate used to get called in to sand down his lip and make sure it was nice and smooth for when he had to snog that Nurse Abi who got ideas above her station and started training to be a doctor.

In fact if you play Helter Skelter by The Beatles whilst taking the chequered flag ,0010 secs in front of Sam Hornish Jnr in The Indianapolis 500 it clearly says "George Clooney gave Jennifer Aniston splinters in her Jack and Danny"

From General Discussion / Come on, hands up, who's been moonlighting at the BBC?
Posted 13 Mar 12 15:59

Quote: Mark

Yeah, you want some Clive?

You seem to be incapable of conducting any kind of reasoned debate without littering your outpourings with ill disguised not to mention inappropriate smutty innuendo mate.

Women read this you know?

Expect my man to call at your lodgings this evening at 8.00 to arrange a suitable time and place for us to settle this matter once and for all.

The venue and choice of weaponry will of course be yours, albeit futile as I'll not rest until I've sliced your gizzard from your accursed body and I'm standing full square over your lifeless corpse, watching your blood running copious and free in the gutter where it belongs.

Satisfaction sirrah will be mine!..................and not in the way you're thinking either matey!

From General Discussion / Come on, hands up, who's been moonlighting at the BBC?
Posted 13 Mar 12 13:40
Cyber bullies and pedants ^^^^^^^

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 13 Mar 12 06:25
Dear Spoof

I intend to flout the forthcoming hosepipe ban in London by painting my garden hose pink and then posting it up my trouser leg and out through my flies before standing in front of my parched Dahlias and pretending I've been drinking heavily.

Alan Titsarse
Shepherds Bush

From General Discussion / BBC 2 - Chinese Executions
Posted 13 Mar 12 06:21
I executed a Chinese person once, the trouble was, half an hour later I wanted to execute another one. FACT!

PS. A word to the wise. Never reveal your outraged views on China's appalling human rights record whilst waiting for your order in the takeaway or you may find your Egg Foo Yun smelling rather strongly of ammonia. ALSO FACT!

From News Discussion / Hosepipe Ban Latest
Posted 12 Mar 12 19:16
Hose a clever boy then?

Great stuff Roy. Funniest thing I've read since I spotted the words "Written By Katie Price" beneath a lurid title and superimposed over a lady with not a great deal of clothing covering her wobbling bodily particles


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 12 Mar 12 18:22
Dear Spoof

Please inform Mr Lynton that I'm both chuckling and nodding in a kind of painful reminiscing way Mind you compared to the bowel prep laxatives I found the scope a blessed relief! hahaha.

Please also inform Mr/Ms Juan that I once started a thread on Facebook entitled rather imaginatively "Going To The Toilet" where I invited group members to chronicle their exploits either in "the smallest room" or indeed whilst walking abroad.

It proved so popular that I was asked to reprise it a year or so later which I did under the new title of "Going To The Toilet. The Golden Years"

Sadly the thread was pulled by the mods after complaints from nauseous members of the opposite species, apart that is from one rather sporting young lady who revealed that after picking up a stomach bug she evacuated her bowels over her then boyfriend during a vigorous sexual act.

I wonder if it's what he would have wanted.

Clivey Dee
22 Shit Street

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 12 Mar 12 16:18
Dear Spoof

I went to visit a colo-rectal surgeon today who looks about 10 and who in January of last year chopped a large piece out of my large bowel which he seemed to think had a bit of cancer in it.

This resulted in my small bowel being pushed out through my abdomen so I had to do my big jobs into a plastic bag. Very handy for not having to get up during a particularly good film I found.

In June he got his carving set out again and joined up all my plumbing once more which has resulted in me having to fork out once more for toilet paper.

Today he greeted me like a long lost brother, told me I had "just the right attitude" and was "a man of courage" before telling me he was going to put a camera up my bottom in 3 weeks time, subject my firm young body to Cat Scan rays and then extract gallons of my blood for analysis. He then told me that I may or may not be dead in two years time before shaking hands and telling me that he might place the camera up my bottom himself if he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

I wonder if any other Spoofeeters have spent the morning looking at still pictures of their intestines whilst chatting animatedly about their bowel movements to a gentleman from Sri Lanka.

Clivey Dee
The toilet

From Magazine Discussion / Zodiac Females - Cancer: Love, Work, Spirituality, Shadow & Q+A's
Posted 11 Mar 12 19:03
I gave this a wholehearted 5 despite the fact it revealed that Ellie has an unhealthy dependence on food, sleep, oral gratification, drinking and sex.

It's what she would have wanted.

From News Discussion / Kate Gosselin Still Pines for British Man Who Ditched her for a Tart
Posted 11 Mar 12 18:52

Quote: Charpa93

Keep it up Danton and you'll find yer head on the business end of a shot put.

Charpa the Hulk

You said "Keep it up", "head", "end" and of course.."shot"

How your sickening depravity and rippling quadriceps both tantalise and delight, my dearest, darlingest darlykins!


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 11 Mar 12 10:17
Dear Spoof.

Please inform Mr Adam Click that I wholeheartedly endorse his view on my worthiness to be masturbated but you trying telling that Kate Winslet that. Only a couple of weeks ago I spotted her in Oxford Street and when I asked her politely if she'd mind giving me a quick hand shandy in the bogs at Selfridges she told me to "fuck off out of it mate" The hoity toity bitch!.

Please also inform Mr Skoob that I once started an acronym thread on Facebook but people kept using it as a tool for making smutty remarks. After 5 years I made my excuses and left.

I should also like to inform the Duke Of Dialysis, Mr Inchcock that his sufferings are but a mere drop in the medical ocean compared to the head trauma I suffered this morning whilst putting milk on my Tescos Value muesli. It sounded like somebody jet washing two skeletons fucking in a biscuit tin.

Clivey Dee
The Dark

From Magazine Discussion / Tales from Mingehampton: How To Lose Friends And Alienate People
Posted 11 Mar 12 09:31
I had sex on the phone once. It didnt half leave a mark on my bottom!

Good to see you back Chris

From Magazine Discussion / Cyber Bullying Drove Me Into The Arms Of The Firm's Cat.
Posted 11 Mar 12 09:25
I say Lynton you fat owl! I've a jolly good mind to rag yours and Ellis-Fields' study for this!

Punchhooashion aint never bean my strong poynt unlyke wot mye speelling iz and that.

*lights pipe and hurries off to have sex with Matron*

From News Discussion / Kate Gosselin Still Pines for British Man Who Ditched her for a Tart
Posted 11 Mar 12 09:04
I say that's a bit harsh and judgemental Lynton old chap! I know the bride's no stranger to the lure of the vegetable samosa and the black forest gateaux but to tag her a big fat Sikh is not only ungallant and hurtful, but also bordering on the mysoginistic! I prefer to call her "pleasingly plump"

Charpa on the other hand is a hulking 18 stone running back for the Miami Dolphins who's chemically induced biceps can be used to crack walnuts while her mighty, human growth hormone enhanced thighs can propel her for many miles at a single bound, a bit like The Incredible Hulk can. She's not green though I will give her that much.

She's also a very gifted and funny lady who's every waking moment is haunted by feverish dreams that one day I'll wait outside the "Iron Fist" gymnasium in Orlando and make her mine and devote the rest of my life to shaving her arms and thrusting syringes containing Stanazolol into her bottom.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 10 Mar 12 06:47
Cyber bully ^^^^^^^

Dear Spoof

I'm going to a Sikh wedding in West Ham today and the ceremony is taking place just a stones throw from where my beloved Hammers (The blessings of the prophet be upon them) are taking on the might of Doncaster Rovers (jeer, hiss)

I'm therefore going to tell the temple elder that I have to dive off for 2 hours from 3.00pm onwards as it's The Holy Day Of St Mooro and I have to prostrate myself in front of his statue, guzzling fizzy lager and blowing bubbles from one of those tube things that kids have.

Yes that outta do it!

Do I win £5.00 for displaying admirable piety?

Clivey Dee
Wearing A Nice Suit And Tie with matching turban.

From Magazine Discussion / Cyber Bullying Drove Me Into The Arms Of The Firm's Cat.
Posted 9 Mar 12 22:23
Why thank you gentlemen!

How you all sicken and disgust me to the very pit of my stummick!

From General Discussion / Duck Shooting
Posted 9 Mar 12 17:06
Duck shooting!

The last time I heard those words it was a warning from a passer by in St James Park just before I took a round to the chest from a deranged mallard.

I was of course killed instantly.

46 Pages - «« « 34 35 [36] 37 38 » »»
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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