Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof

I once heard soul legend Percy Sledge state that "When a man loves a woman, he can't keep his mind on nuthin' else"

Well I tend to disagree because whenever I make love to my wife I routinely think of the woman next door and her Labrador.

Paul Arthritis
West Drayton

Arm

My wife and I couldn't afford teenage kids so we murdered ours in their beds as soon as they turned 13.

We used to pretend they were still with us by trashing their rooms at the weekend and concealing drugs and porn at the back of the airing cupboard. For added authenticity my wife would go outside at 3.00am and batter the front door down screaming "Armed Police!"

It's what they would have wanted.

Dear Noel.

I'll say!

NEXT!

Deirdre Saunders
Problem Page
The Sun
Mogadishu

Dear Spoof

Whenever I travel on public transport I find myself becoming excited by the bulges in handsome young men's trousers.

Do you think I could be gay?

N. Edmonds
Millwall Docks

Dear Spoof

I went into the lavatory this morning to urinate and just as I pulled out my "old chap" the theme from 2001 A Space Odyssey came on the radio.

I have never felt so manly or potent in my entire life.

Kevin Colon-Disorder
Manchester

Dear Spoof

I came home last night to discover my wife tipping a saucepan full of scalding hot beef stew over her head. When I asked what on earth she was doing she replied "I'm just putting your dinner on dear.

How we laughed on our way to the Serious Burns Unit.

Alan Urethra
Notting Hill

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Quote: Lynton

Dear Spoof

Could you please send Clive some face powder, only his shiney forehead risks blinding me. I can't keep going to the optician's each week.

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Dear Spoof

Could you please request that Lynton desists from combing his hair in my avatar and stops basking in my reflected glory.

It's not only deeply hurtful but he keeps getting dandruff on my hat.

Dear Spoof

I was watching the snooker last night when the commentator announced "Ronnie O Sullivan's going to clear the table"

How refreshing that in this world of overpaid sporting prima donnas at least one of them has the common decency to help his mum.

Frank Vulva
22 Shit Street
Yorks

Dear Spoof

I must admit I share Mr Flange's curiosity about the matter and furthermore often find myself wondering whether people that live in Brussels have London Sprouts with their festive meal.

Trevor Minge
Prison

I simply can't believe that you people are treating this sensational offer with ill disguised disdain and even derision to be honest.

I mean the man clearly stipulates that these items are, and I quote "youthful and aged near to in the direction of head."

What do you guys want.....blood? I've just ordered half a dozen in a variety of primary colours.

I cant wait to see the reaction I get when I dive into the public bar in The Lord Rodney's Head, Whitechapel at lunchtime.

Thanks Snapback!

Dear Spoof

I wonder if Turkish people have roast england with all the trimmings on Christmas Day.

Gus Flange
22 Railway Approach
Antarctica

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Quote: Lynton

Gather these together and publish them then skoob can accuse you of nicking his letters to the editor too. His hat's shite so's yours. With hats like that you should both be collecting fares on the dodgems.

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Dear Spoof

HATTIST!

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Quote: Skoob1999

If that's my fucking pork pie hat and you've somehow nicked it, there'll be trouble.

Just sayin'

Skoob.

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Everything you see in that damnably attractive smudge is my exclusive property Scoob apart from my wooden lip which had to be grafted on following a tragic cunnilingus incident with 4 members of Girls Aloud which took place a couple of years back while the ginger one went down the offie to get the ales in.

FACT!

I've just discovered that by filling my mouth with a number of magnets and then dipping my chin into a bowl of iron filings I can achieve that rugged, designer stubble look as sported by George Michael and other extremely butch, fiercely heterosexual celebrities.

I hope this helps

Tony Helicopter
Brentwood
Switzerland

Dear Spoof

I've managed to save a small fortune on expensive foreign holidays scuba diving in the Caribbean by simply filling my bath with warm water, throwing in a few colourful plastic fish and then diving in and clamping my mouth over the plug hole and breathing through the overflow pipe.

The Right Reverend Teddy Ashtray
Arsebishop Of Camdenbury
Church

I once spoke to Sir Alex about the rigours and the time consuming aspect of being a successful soccer manager these days,......."I mean what do you do about sex Sir Alex?" I enquired.
"Och dinnae worry aboot that!" he exclaimed "Aboot sex ah have mah tea"

I'm here all week

An extremely good evening to you sir if it's not being a trifle presumptuous of me to assume you're a member of the same rugged, hairy-bottomed species as myself.

Thanks for the welcome my friend. Dont take this amiss but you look strangely familiar somehow. Didn't I once spot you drop kicking a recalcitrant Crystal Palace fan in the head a few years back?

Ah happy days and no error! *lights pipe and drifts off into blood soaked wistful reverie*

Generally speaking I think a great number of these so-called con men are a complete con!

Only the other day I was completely conned by one of them.

My missus, a girl so intellectually impoverished as to make a Big Brother housemate sound only mildly dense, remarked upon hearing the undoubtedly tragic news..."I bet it was some kind of kinky sex game that went tits up and that whoever found him has hidden the oranges so that the troof(sic) will never come out!"

Fortunately she's an absolute tiger in bed and makes an excellent macaroni cheese.

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Quote: armfeetandtoe

Clive, I was in the cheap seats, so did not hear the conversation. But I understand it was a strain.


Met that Joan of Arc, she was a bit fiery.






Arm xxxxxxxxxxx

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It was indeed a strain as you rightfully point out. In actual fact at one point I became flushed with embarrassment. I just didn't know how things were going to pan out you see. At one point I thought of waiting outside the trap and introducing myself but I was caught between two stools. You see I didnt want it to appear as if I were just papering over the cracks......etc.

I once occupied a lavatory stall alongside enthusiastic ornithologist and self confessed manic depressive Bill Oddie at Victoria Station's underground bogs..

I found him to be an erudite and reserved toilet companion albeit a tad noisy and self congratulatory after each successful movement.

Still you dont like to grumble do yers