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From General Discussion / Come on, hands up, who's been moonlighting at the BBC?
Posted 13 Mar 12 13:40
Cyber bullies and pedants ^^^^^^^

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 13 Mar 12 06:25
Dear Spoof

I intend to flout the forthcoming hosepipe ban in London by painting my garden hose pink and then posting it up my trouser leg and out through my flies before standing in front of my parched Dahlias and pretending I've been drinking heavily.

Alan Titsarse
Shepherds Bush

From General Discussion / BBC 2 - Chinese Executions
Posted 13 Mar 12 06:21
I executed a Chinese person once, the trouble was, half an hour later I wanted to execute another one. FACT!

PS. A word to the wise. Never reveal your outraged views on China's appalling human rights record whilst waiting for your order in the takeaway or you may find your Egg Foo Yun smelling rather strongly of ammonia. ALSO FACT!

From News Discussion / Hosepipe Ban Latest
Posted 12 Mar 12 19:16
Hose a clever boy then?

Great stuff Roy. Funniest thing I've read since I spotted the words "Written By Katie Price" beneath a lurid title and superimposed over a lady with not a great deal of clothing covering her wobbling bodily particles


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 12 Mar 12 18:22
Dear Spoof

Please inform Mr Lynton that I'm both chuckling and nodding in a kind of painful reminiscing way Mind you compared to the bowel prep laxatives I found the scope a blessed relief! hahaha.

Please also inform Mr/Ms Juan that I once started a thread on Facebook entitled rather imaginatively "Going To The Toilet" where I invited group members to chronicle their exploits either in "the smallest room" or indeed whilst walking abroad.

It proved so popular that I was asked to reprise it a year or so later which I did under the new title of "Going To The Toilet. The Golden Years"

Sadly the thread was pulled by the mods after complaints from nauseous members of the opposite species, apart that is from one rather sporting young lady who revealed that after picking up a stomach bug she evacuated her bowels over her then boyfriend during a vigorous sexual act.

I wonder if it's what he would have wanted.

Clivey Dee
22 Shit Street

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 12 Mar 12 16:18
Dear Spoof

I went to visit a colo-rectal surgeon today who looks about 10 and who in January of last year chopped a large piece out of my large bowel which he seemed to think had a bit of cancer in it.

This resulted in my small bowel being pushed out through my abdomen so I had to do my big jobs into a plastic bag. Very handy for not having to get up during a particularly good film I found.

In June he got his carving set out again and joined up all my plumbing once more which has resulted in me having to fork out once more for toilet paper.

Today he greeted me like a long lost brother, told me I had "just the right attitude" and was "a man of courage" before telling me he was going to put a camera up my bottom in 3 weeks time, subject my firm young body to Cat Scan rays and then extract gallons of my blood for analysis. He then told me that I may or may not be dead in two years time before shaking hands and telling me that he might place the camera up my bottom himself if he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

I wonder if any other Spoofeeters have spent the morning looking at still pictures of their intestines whilst chatting animatedly about their bowel movements to a gentleman from Sri Lanka.

Clivey Dee
The toilet

From Magazine Discussion / Zodiac Females - Cancer: Love, Work, Spirituality, Shadow & Q+A's
Posted 11 Mar 12 19:03
I gave this a wholehearted 5 despite the fact it revealed that Ellie has an unhealthy dependence on food, sleep, oral gratification, drinking and sex.

It's what she would have wanted.

From News Discussion / Kate Gosselin Still Pines for British Man Who Ditched her for a Tart
Posted 11 Mar 12 18:52

Quote: Charpa93

Keep it up Danton and you'll find yer head on the business end of a shot put.

Charpa the Hulk

You said "Keep it up", "head", "end" and of course.."shot"

How your sickening depravity and rippling quadriceps both tantalise and delight, my dearest, darlingest darlykins!


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 11 Mar 12 10:17
Dear Spoof.

Please inform Mr Adam Click that I wholeheartedly endorse his view on my worthiness to be masturbated but you trying telling that Kate Winslet that. Only a couple of weeks ago I spotted her in Oxford Street and when I asked her politely if she'd mind giving me a quick hand shandy in the bogs at Selfridges she told me to "fuck off out of it mate" The hoity toity bitch!.

Please also inform Mr Skoob that I once started an acronym thread on Facebook but people kept using it as a tool for making smutty remarks. After 5 years I made my excuses and left.

I should also like to inform the Duke Of Dialysis, Mr Inchcock that his sufferings are but a mere drop in the medical ocean compared to the head trauma I suffered this morning whilst putting milk on my Tescos Value muesli. It sounded like somebody jet washing two skeletons fucking in a biscuit tin.

Clivey Dee
The Dark

From Magazine Discussion / Tales from Mingehampton: How To Lose Friends And Alienate People
Posted 11 Mar 12 09:31
I had sex on the phone once. It didnt half leave a mark on my bottom!

Good to see you back Chris

From Magazine Discussion / Cyber Bullying Drove Me Into The Arms Of The Firm's Cat.
Posted 11 Mar 12 09:25
I say Lynton you fat owl! I've a jolly good mind to rag yours and Ellis-Fields' study for this!

Punchhooashion aint never bean my strong poynt unlyke wot mye speelling iz and that.

*lights pipe and hurries off to have sex with Matron*

From News Discussion / Kate Gosselin Still Pines for British Man Who Ditched her for a Tart
Posted 11 Mar 12 09:04
I say that's a bit harsh and judgemental Lynton old chap! I know the bride's no stranger to the lure of the vegetable samosa and the black forest gateaux but to tag her a big fat Sikh is not only ungallant and hurtful, but also bordering on the mysoginistic! I prefer to call her "pleasingly plump"

Charpa on the other hand is a hulking 18 stone running back for the Miami Dolphins who's chemically induced biceps can be used to crack walnuts while her mighty, human growth hormone enhanced thighs can propel her for many miles at a single bound, a bit like The Incredible Hulk can. She's not green though I will give her that much.

She's also a very gifted and funny lady who's every waking moment is haunted by feverish dreams that one day I'll wait outside the "Iron Fist" gymnasium in Orlando and make her mine and devote the rest of my life to shaving her arms and thrusting syringes containing Stanazolol into her bottom.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 10 Mar 12 06:47
Cyber bully ^^^^^^^

Dear Spoof

I'm going to a Sikh wedding in West Ham today and the ceremony is taking place just a stones throw from where my beloved Hammers (The blessings of the prophet be upon them) are taking on the might of Doncaster Rovers (jeer, hiss)

I'm therefore going to tell the temple elder that I have to dive off for 2 hours from 3.00pm onwards as it's The Holy Day Of St Mooro and I have to prostrate myself in front of his statue, guzzling fizzy lager and blowing bubbles from one of those tube things that kids have.

Yes that outta do it!

Do I win £5.00 for displaying admirable piety?

Clivey Dee
Wearing A Nice Suit And Tie with matching turban.

From Magazine Discussion / Cyber Bullying Drove Me Into The Arms Of The Firm's Cat.
Posted 9 Mar 12 22:23
Why thank you gentlemen!

How you all sicken and disgust me to the very pit of my stummick!

From General Discussion / Duck Shooting
Posted 9 Mar 12 17:06
Duck shooting!

The last time I heard those words it was a warning from a passer by in St James Park just before I took a round to the chest from a deranged mallard.

I was of course killed instantly.

From Magazine Discussion / Quatermass Returns - to Nottingham!
Posted 8 Mar 12 19:29
More first rate fare from the Prince of Peritonitis, The Baron Of Beri Beri and The Duke Of Diphtheria.

The bint in the Mature Dating ad wasn't too shabby for once either.


From News Discussion / Local Man Introduces Kebab Mogul Ali Bullo To Spoof Godfather Colonel Juan
Posted 8 Mar 12 16:58
This story made me sick to the very pit of my stomach and typifies the petty meritocracy and cliquishness of this place.

I read this and vomited until I could vomit no more to be absolutely fair about it.

Once again you Dorking Review bods throw your ostentatiousness and wealth directly in the face of the struggling wordsmith.

I bet you royalties replete fuckers sit round a roaring log fire, throwing on the occasional peasant and lighting your pipes with million quid notes while the likes of me has to make do with typing my largely ignored and criminally underated output whilst gnawing on my own shoulder for sustenance and sucking on a piece of diesel soaked rag to blot out my pain.

I've a bloody good mind to bring out a rival publication "The Poplar Bugle" and start living high on the bastard hog myself!



From Magazine Discussion / Lynton, Erskin and Inchcock. The Race. Part Two
Posted 8 Mar 12 16:25
The Goon Show on acid.

Another glimpse into the wacky and rather wonderful world of Armandhammer-Gently-Corrective-Maternity-Dental-Acid


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 8 Mar 12 06:30
Dear Spoof

Like Mr Inchcock I'm no stranger to the good people of the medical profession and found myself in the company of the practice nurse last Tuesday after I noticed some rather worrying abrasions on my male bodily particle.

"You're going to have to stop masturbating Mr Danton" she said sternly

"Oh no! I cried "Why's that?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you" she replied.

Olive Danton
Chemist's Shop

From Magazine Discussion / Zodiac Signs Top 12 Best/Worst Comparisons Tables
Posted 7 Mar 12 13:25
When singing along to the soundtrack of iconic 60s musical Hair, do you routinely warble "This is the dawning of the age of a hairy arse"

I know I do


PS I also tend to call the zodiac sign of the archer Saggy Hairy Arse.

Oh yes.

From Magazine Discussion / Lynton, Erskin and Inchcock. The Race. Part One
Posted 7 Mar 12 13:18
I was so offended by your having used my name without prior permission I vomited countless times into a bucket.

In actual fact I think it may have been five times.

Yes that was it!..........5!

From General Discussion / Your Last Text Message
Posted 7 Mar 12 06:43
Had a good chuckle over all of the above guys. Good work fellas and fellarettas.

Now then. I had one from my fellow mechanic son and famed verbose raconteur and wit a month or so back which simply bore the legend "Yes"

What he was actually intending to say was.

"Hey dad. I'm just texting to thank you for passing down your most excellent genes to my unworthy body. Thanks to you I'm now so damn fair of face and powerful of frame that I have to beat off the scantily clad blart with a pry bar night in night bastard out!
So thanks for that mate and I'll be round tonight with a tanker full of fizzy lager and a cheque for 10 grand to thank you for being so generous with your characteristics.

Oh and by the way I managed to nick that steering rack from work that you wanted for your motor.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 7 Mar 12 06:31
Dear Spoof

Politically ambitious Americans. Change your fairly mundane name to something extremely idiotic such as Tugboat Arse or Bankvole Pantyhose and thereby increase your chances a thousand fold in the race for The White House.

Minge Annoyingcock
Tampax Bay

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 7 Mar 12 06:26
Dear Spoof

I should like to protest in the strongest possible terms about the "Who Is Online" notification on this forum.

Just a moment ago I checked and it quite clearly announced "One active user" - Inchcock.

This is quite clearly false and extremely misleading as the last time I looked he was crippled with lumbago and was crawling on his hands and knees to the medicine cabinet for his monkey glands serum.

Clivey Dee
Olympic Village

From News Discussion / Obama Abducted by Space Aliens...Biden Now President...Dems Mourn
Posted 6 Mar 12 19:26
I have to be totally honest and say that I usually read the stories in approvals that are based around US politics with about as much enthusiasm as I would the onset of an anal prolapse but this was well written and keenly observed, particularly the London accent which made me think my wife was in the room.

Enjoyed it muchly


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