Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof

Arm never fails to make me smile and Inch once made me laff my soppy bollox off at his "Doctor Doctor" jokes in the jokes section.

So sue me

Clivey Dee
Comedy Wonderland

Dear Spoof

I respectfully and deferentially request that Mr Armandhammer-Tooth-Balm-And-Maternity- Denture- Fixative might consider curbing his enthusiasm for Double Gloucester on toast washed down with a steaming mug of molten Camembert before beddy byes and also that he adds a soupcon of water to his Brake Cleaner On The Beach cocktails while he's about it.

Clivey Dee
22 Shit Street
London E4

You know that Sean Bean out of Sharpe? His grandad was shot at dawn for cowardice during World War I. Apparently when the whistle went to go over the top he hid in the bogs and told his commanding officer he couldn't come out as he had "a bit hanging"

Absolutely true that is and if you play Helter Skelter by The Beatles upside down it clearly says "Sean Bean's grandad's a milky arseole"

Dear Spoof

I should like to thank Chris James the mishapen brute-like progeny of the fair and fragrant Ellie, for pointing out that cream has indeed risen to the top and that he said "fuck"

Not in the above post admittedly but I bet he says it all the time, the anglo saxon vernacular spouting bastard! *fume*

Clivey Dee
Bed

The Duke Of Edinburgh shot Princess Diana from the pillion seat of a speeding motorcycle in that tunnel in Paris and then went for a skinful on the strength of it with The Queen Mother

He also made an unsuccessful attempt on her life a year earlier when he flung a 3 bar electric fire into her bath while she was watching the rugby world cup.

If you play Helter Skelter by The Beatles at 15000 rpm you can clearly hear the words "Bollocks! I'll get you one day you popular, doe-eyed, minefield bothering bitch!"

FACT!

Dear Spoof

Toast lovers, avoid the annoyance of having your toast land buttered side down when you drop it by waiting till it's hit the ground and then quickly buttering it before anyone notices.

Leonard Skinback
Falkland Isles

PS. Chris said "root"

Patrick Moore actually comes from outer space and if you play Helter Skelter by The Beatles sideways it says "Patrick Moore's from space"

Absolutely true that is. Geezer down the pub told me.

Dear Spoof

I actually devised the bank vole missive after looking at the soap while I was showering this morning.

This is worrying on two levels....

a) it probably means I'm mentally ill

and

b) The CIA now know I use Cussons Imperial Leather and will probably have me strip searched and anally violated by a couple of hairy-arsed bull dykes at Kennedy Airport on the strength of it.

So not all bad then

Dear Spoof

The small oblong sticker on bars of Cussons Imperial Leather soap makes an excellent non slip bath mat for bank voles

D. Attenborough
The Jungle

Dear Spoof

I strongly urge the people who appear in Dear Diedrie's Photo Casebook in The Sun to remove their pants before engaging in saucy romps so that they might enjoy a far more pleasurable albeit messier assignation.

Lucy Perineum
High Wycombe
Bucks

Dear Spoof

Can somebody please tell me why it is that Jack The Ripper can brutally murder and mutilate 6 prostitutes and get off scot free while all I did was grab the barmaid's arse in The Lord Rodney's Head Whitechapel and then got 100 hours community service for lewd conduct?

It strikes me there's one law for sexually insane late 19th century psychopaths and quite another for Joe Public

P. Sutcliffe
Billiards Room
Nice Comfy Hospital

Dear Spoof

As a dyed in the wool, born and bred Eastender who does all his washing in the launderette, spends his entire life in the rub a dub and deals with his detractors by shaking them violently by the lapels it hasn't escaped my notice that Mr Armandhammer-Mildly-Acidic-Economy-Tooth-Whitener seems to be, like myself, no stranger to Bethnal Green and it's environs. I wonder therefore if he's ever considered taking a position as a cheeky, chirpy, loveable chimney sweep with smuts on his face and an appalling American Cockney accent who goes capering over rooftops singing tunelessly and generally acting the giddy arseole?

Or failing that a bloke that pulls other men's toenails out with red hot pliers.

Clivey Dee
The Roof

"Oh it's a jolly 'oliday wiv Mayweeeeee".....etc


PS Chris said "service" and Skoob said "end"

Dear Spoof

DONT YEW DARE TAWK ABART OWR BELOVID JAYNE GOODWIN LIKE WOT YEW JUST DUN TAWKED AND THAT!
SHEE WOZ A BOOTYFUL ANGLE SENT DARN FROM EAVEN TO SAYVE UZ AWL FROM SIN JUST LYKE WOT JEZUS WOZ!
EYE WENT TO ER FOONREL WIV MY SIX KIDZ AND WE AWL FLUNG OURSELVES UNDER THE ORSES OOVES OF ER FOONRAL CARRIDGE. WE WUZ GLAD TWO GIV OWR LYVES FOUR SUMONE AS BOOTYFUL AS ER.

GAWD LUV AND KEEP OWR WUNDERFUL ANGLE JAYNE AND ER FAFEFUL UBBY JAKE TWEENY!!!

Hermione Cutglass
Islington

Dear Spoof

The above poster is typical of the kind of pondlife and flippertygibbets that are infesting these once proud isles of ours.
A sound thrashing with horse whip and a spell in the stocks is what these creatures would benefit from in my opinion. It all seemed to begin with the death of that other odious creature Jade Goody and has just gone from bad to worse if you ask me

Shazza Sroggins
Essex

Dear Spoof

DONT U TAWK ABART KAYTEE LYKE THAT! SHEEZ A ROLL MODLE TO UZ AWL AN WEN EYE AVE ANUVER BAYBEE EYE WILL KAWL IT KAYTEE AND IF ITZ A BOUY EYE'LL CAWL IT PEETER ARFTER ER LUVLEE USBAN PETERR ANDREWS!
GAWD LUV AND SAYVE OWR KAYTEE!!

Hermione Cutglass
Hampstead

Dear Spoof

Am I alone in despairing of the vacuous celebrity culture that seems to pervade every level of British society these days?
One can barely open a newspaper or turn on one's speaking wireless set without hearing about the tawdry lives of so-called celebrities such as Katy Price and her unsavoury, immoral ilk.
No wonder they're beginning to refer to this once proud nation as Broken Britain.

Shazza Scroggins
Dagenham
Essex

Dear Spoof

John Wayne. Show absolutely no outward sign of being in pain after getting shot or beaten within an inch of your life but wince violently as a woman cleans your wounds.

Roy Jungle
Tierra Del Fuego

Dear Spoof

I would like to express my outrage at the blatant and deeply wounding "nobbist" comment made by Mr Lynton in the above post.
It's this type of casual, throwaway dismissal of other people's nobs that has reduced this once proud nation to a festering cesspit of filth and a bodily particle mentioning hive of iniquity that formerly could only be experienced in some of the more inacessible reaches of Darkest Africa and Sidney Australia.

Admittedly we cant all boast of possessing large genitalia and indeed I readily admit that my own humble appendage is a mere three inches.................................FROM THE GROUND!!!!!

Clivey Dee
22 Shit Street E7

Dear Spoof

Dont make me take my trousers down and compound your misery Inch.

---

Quote: Jaggedone

straight jackets please to West Sussex and London; brilliant stuff U pair!

---

Fer chrissakes is it too much to ask that you finish your bloody sentences JO?

Pair of what exactly?

If you reply to this then for gawd's sake don't use the quote facility. CJ doesn't like it and will use his connections with all the top boys on the site to get us blackballed and have all our contributions filed in the cultural hinterland of the science and technology section.

I think he's already started doing it with me

---

Quote: Inchcock

Dear Spoof,

That Clive Danton, Spoofer and Wicker bottom chair repairer, is far too witty for my liking.

He always comes up with something cleverly written, suave, indicative, cutting, humorous, or popular - he makes me sick, jealous, and incapable.

Amongst anagrams of his name, are:

A cloven dint
Devil Cannot
A convent lid
Vile Don cant
Coven lad nit
Devil cant no
Evict on land
Naive con Ltd
Nonce laid tv
Into venal CD
It lent van.co
Devil cannot

Which is your favourite?

He may be better looking than me, richer, happier, fitter, wiser, cleverer, taller, more educated, have a job, have a family, not wear two hearing aids, and be attractive to the opposite sex, but was he trained as a Gas lamp lighter/dimmer operator in his local cinema in 1962? Eh?

(Mind you, I'm glad he's joined us at the Spoof really!)

Inchcockum

---

Dear Spoof

Please inform the sickly, envy riddled, bumbling and totally inept Mr Innefectualpenis that his seering crtique of my good self was by turn hurtful, brutal, uncalled for, savage, harsh and absolutely hilarious.

In fact I haven't laughed so heartily since I celebrated winning The Gaslamp Lighter/Dimmer Operative Of The Year Award surrounded by a bevy of scantily clad Page Three lovelies.

Ah such happy, halcyon, semen replete days my friends! *lights pipe and attracts opposite sex*

Dear Spoof

I'd like to complain in the strongest possible terms about the ridiculous inaccuracy of The Spoof clock.

Yesterday I found myself eating my breakfast at 2.15am and then got my morning erection at 4.30 pm at the bus stop on the way home from work.

Clivey Dee
Prison

Dear Spoof

I wonder if you'd mind pointing out to Mr Armandhammer-Gently-Corrective-Maternity-Dental-Acid that during the above post he said....."banging"

George Belgian-Chap
Madagascar

Dear Spoof

Last night I was playing some old Beatles tracks when Free As A Bird came on. Imagine my annoyance when my pet budgie failed to see the irony of it all.

Harry Asthma
Bromley By Bow

Dear Spoof.

Are you suffering from that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and washing your hands hundreds of times a day?

Simply contract irritable bowel syndrome to make it all worth while.

Desmond Tool
Fife