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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 29 Nov 12 13:20
Message
Dear Spoof (now celebrating it's glorious 1311th post)

What a con these so-called mature dating sights are. I joined one the other day thinking I'd be asked to guess the age of various collectables and antiques in a sensible and grown up manner, only to find it was full of a load of dodgy old tugboats wanting to have sex with me.

Gus Tagnut
Old People's Home
Millwall
Taiwan

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 28 Nov 12 18:59
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You forgot to remind em that they're repeating it tomorrow night at 12 to 1 mate. Tsk.

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 28 Nov 12 17:51
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Really TV Freeview Ch 17 9.00pm

"Don't Tell The Bride"

One man's heartbreaking tale of how he sawed his cock off whilst doing some DIY the night before his wedding day.

Warning! This programme contains flashing images and a bloke crying with his nob in his hand

 
From General Discussion / The Naughty Naked Nude Thread.
Posted 28 Nov 12 17:47
Message

Quote: Simon Saunders

The rudity of nudity has given me many thoughts Clive, but it may be better for all concerned if I keep them to myself.

Simon



^^^^^^^ cyber bully and man who wears wincyette swimming trunks and blindfold in the bath there folks

 
From News Discussion / Jesus wept: 'Obama is our Lord and Savior, and then some' says Jamie Foxx
Posted 28 Nov 12 16:44
Message
Just gave your latest a big ole 5 in appro for being eyewateringly funny and for saying "Tallywhacker"

Loved it......

Unlike the piece of literary crap above which features "folks" I aint even heard of goddamit!



 
From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 16:19
Message
Yep, it's a bit like the players surrounding the ref with their arms flailing wildly after a penalty's been awarded.

In all the years I've been watching the game I've never yet seen the ref turn round to the protesting mellee and say "Oh alright then chaps, you've flailed around so superbly and with such depth of feeling that I'm going to change my mind and let you off.

Goal kick!



 
From General Discussion / The Naughty Naked Nude Thread.
Posted 28 Nov 12 16:14
Message
Now then....

I bet that's got your attention hasn't it you mucky little oiks and oikettas? hehehe

While I was bolstering the floundering UK economy earlier on I got to wondering about the subtle differences between nudity and nakedness, as you do, and came across this rather fine poem by Robert Graves that does actually go some way towards uncovering (see what I did there?) the solution to this fraught and important question.

Take it away Bob.



The Naked and the Nude
Robert Graves

For me, the naked and the nude
(By lexicographers construed
As synonyms that should express
The same deficiency of dress
Or shelter) stand as wide apart
As love from lies, or truth from art.

Lovers without reproach will gaze
On bodies naked and ablaze;
The Hippocratic eye will see
In nakedness, anatomy;
And naked shines the Goddess when
She mounts her lion among men.

The nude are bold, the nude are sly
To hold each treasonable eye.
While draping by a showman's trick
Their dishabille in rhetoric,
They grin a mock-religious grin
Of scorn at those of naked skin.

The naked, therefore, who compete
Against the nude may know defeat;
Yet when they both together tread
The briary pastures of the dead,
By Gorgons with long whips pursued,
How naked go the sometime nude!


Personally I think that if you're naked you would like to be covered but if you're nude you dont give a monkeys who sees your naughty bits. Hence we have the nudist beach but no naked beach.

Any thoughts people?



 
From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 13:07
Message
Elementary my dear Francisco. It's so that perfectly innocent holidaymakers like myself are sick into their mouths after being treated to the sight of grossly overweight Germans in garish bathing briefs waddling along through the shallows with their purulent arse cracks and luxuriant hairy backs on display to all and sundry.........

And the men aren't much better either.

 
From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 28 Nov 12 08:49
Message
Enter Sandman - Metallica.

A wonderfully malevolent portrayal of the writhing snakes and capering demons that lurk in the deepest canyons of our minds after we've drifted into the not so gentle arms of sweet Morpheus.

Phones on, volume up and stiff drink at hand please children.

Enjoy

BOO! hehehehe

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 28 Nov 12 06:38
Message

Quote: Simon Saunders

Clive. It's the one with a news reporter in a blue and black jacket holding a microphone.

I would say the name of the guy but that would spoil the joke.

By the way, this link has been completely trouble free for me

I hope this helps.

As for Roy's lady. Her name reminds me of that 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' song.



Mate I still couldnt access the fucker. Got a message saying something about "Address Not Understood You May Have To Download Software" or some such twaddle.

Can you call me later and read out the dialogue in an American accent please?

Ta very muchly.

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 18:54
Message

Quote: Roy Turse

Not someone I know but it seems like it is a real person.


I don't have a live FB account right now so all I caught was a brief glimpse of the lady's profile sadly.

It does rather beg the question as to whether Ms Lingus is married however. If so I'd suggest she hasn't really thought things through

Simon - That link takes me to a whole selection of vids mate. Which one's the good un?

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 27 Nov 12 18:40
Message
Simon your cynicism and paranoia does you great credit mate. Keep it up.

Roy I watched the first episode last week and although I thought the plot involving the two septuagenarian FB lovers was a little far fetched, vis a vis high speed car chases etc, the level of acting by both Jacobi and La Reid was so sublime, it papered over a multitude of squealing tyre and melting brake linings sins.

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 13:20
Message
It's funny you should say that really Simon. I remember once breaking down in the Blackwall Tunnel when who should come along and give me a tow but the footballer Alan Ball and his Dad Alan Snr.

Ah yes my friend, I'll never forget the day I was dragged out of The Blackwall Tunnel by the Balls!

Absolutely true story that is. Toe's lying, cheating, conniving PR man told me.



 
From General Discussion / Justice At High Noon. An Everyday Story Of Gun Totin' Folk
Posted 27 Nov 12 12:47
Message
I must admit even I had a bit of a chuckle when I watched this minor epic me old china plate. hehehe

I do hope you're going to take your shots btw

Bastard!



 
From General Discussion / Justice At High Noon. An Everyday Story Of Gun Totin' Folk
Posted 27 Nov 12 08:40
Message
This Compo Aint Big Enough For The Both Of Us Cowboy


*lights pipe and strides purposefully towards Boot Hill*

 
From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 06:31
Message
Prime example #1 - BBC World Service Financial Correspondent Tim Boner. No really, I heard the poor sap at around 5.00am this morning giving an account of the fiscal crisis in Portugal and the female presenter in the studio didn't even have the decency to burst out laughing when she announced him! *seethe*

Prime Example #2 - Armfeetandtoe so that I don't trace his address via the electoral register and destroy him.

NEXT!

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Nov 12 15:44
Message
Dear Spoof

What a con these so-called severe weather warnings are. On the BBC news a moment ago I heard the forecaster quite clearly say. "The worst is yet to come as the heavy rain and strong winds move north"

This is quite clearly errant nonsense. I live in London and as far as I'm concerned the worst is very much over and the fact that people in the north of the country are going to be killed by falling trees is neither here nor there to me.

Dave Fuck
Leeds

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 26 Nov 12 08:35
Message
BBC 3 8.00pm

Great British Railway Journeys

Cliveypops takes the 1.10pm District Line tube to Upton Park before having a skinful in The Queens Arms and then watches West Ham beat Arsenal 500-0 after extra time.

 
From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 26 Nov 12 06:54
Message
I've just realised that in over 20 zillion posts to The Huff I have only been serious once and that was in reply to a blog when I spoke out vehemently against women's boxing only to be given a savage beasting by some butch tart with a gumshield.

Do I win 5 hard rounds of grueling punishment before stopping my missus on cuts?

 
From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 26 Nov 12 06:34
Message
Apart from extreme bondage and asphyxiation when I routinely take myself up to, and on occasion beyond, the point of death, one of the greatest pleasures I have in life is to shave my head in the shower (which I have just done incidentally) and then to spray my recently cropped swede with a really cheap cologne from the 99p shop which contains more alcohol than a "Let's Get Really Pissed" night at The Seaman's Mission before watering the pot plants in the bedroom with my tears.

What's your greatest pleasure in life my friends? You can tell me. I mean it's not as if I'm a mechanic or anything.



 
From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 26 Nov 12 05:26
Message
Don't panic my friends, the scream's off! I've been given the all clear!!!!

Thank fuck for tha..................*thud*

 
From General Discussion / The Huffington Post
Posted 26 Nov 12 04:57
Message
I must confess that on occasion it's about as much fun in here as a night around the mouth organ in The Warsaw Ghetto, so I do see where you're coming from on this one AB.

Huff Post headlinr this morning:

"Woman Held After Riding Ocean Manatee".

The mind boggles..................

Well mine does anyway folks

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 25 Nov 12 18:43
Message
No mate you're a long way from matching the sheer obnoxious qualities of this joker. He's a nonce, a coward, a sleazy two bob fat cunt and a piece of stinking human filth par excellence and if I ever run into the mug again I'll take a tyre iron to him.

How I didn't straighten him the first time I clocked him is a tribute to my fabled sangue froid and my reserved cockney nature.



 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 25 Nov 12 10:58
Message
Really TV Freeview Ch.17 9.00pm

Embarrassing Bodies - Dr Pixie (no really) offers personal hygiene advice to people going on stag and hen nights.

This is of course a euphemism for some absolute mingers being told to get in the bath and have a bloody good Bob Squash.

I went to one of these Facebook gatherings once, where the slavering sex offender and the perennially ugly meet up to lie to each other about how happy they are, and one of the geezers there was a bit like that. In short he was a fat stinking **** with 'orrible yellow gnashers and breath that would fell a charging bull from 100 paces.

Apart from that it was a joy to meet the boy.

 
From General Discussion / Who Gave JR A Break, Allowing Him To Die Of Natural Causes?
Posted 25 Nov 12 09:15
Message
^^^^^^^ cyber bully and Miss Ellie fan there folks.

Larry was the archetypal pantomime villain and if he'd worn a moustache you can bet your last petro dollar he'd have twirled it.

I actually used to have a sneaking admiration for the conniving old bastard, particularly when he used to stick it to that smarmy little turd Cliff Barnes. hehehehe

RIP Big fella.

*takes hold of bottom lip and makes it go up and down very quickly indeed*

 
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