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From News Discussion / Unstoppable computer virus "Clivey Dee" will strike Xmas Eve!
Posted 30 Nov 12 18:09
Frankie boy, this little beauty has second place written all over it. I ploughed through around 10 subs about The Celtic Bay Giants and Honey Boo Boo just to give this baby the works.


PS I'll post it in the thread as soon as I've finished showing the woman next door a mighty good time ok?


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 Nov 12 17:36
Dear Spoof

Yeah you have your pantyhose inside out again and the seam's chaffing your cobbler's awls.

Oprah Winfrey
East London

From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 30 Nov 12 17:30
Don't go talkin' to me about no tights, or pantyhose as Frankie calls em when he orders his lingerie from Maceys Debs.

I wore a pair of those babies when I went fishing in January once and they made my thighs cold and flattened all the hairs down the wrong way.

The bra kept me pecs warm though

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 17:22
The War!

Ok listen up you fight fans. If you want to see boxing in all it's balletic beauty and bestial savagery watch the above link and witness what is arguably the greatest fight of all times. The Ring called it "the most electrifying eight minutes of boxing ever" and I aint gonna disagree with em.

Two of the greatest middleweights that ever drew breath in a brutal display of conditioning, endurance, skill and above all, sheer fighting heart.

The sight of the brooding, blood soaked Hagler being born around the ring by his corner as the mighty Hitman Hearns was carried from the ring on his shield like the true warrior he was is one of the iconic moments in the history of the fight game.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful stuff indeed!

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 16:48
Laydeeez and chennelmen! Preeesenting and introdoocin' to you. He weighs in at a ready 215lbs with a rekkord of 5000 plus great spoofs, winnin' all 5000 by way of beautiful wordsmithery. "Fightin' Frankie Dubooooooooooois!!!!!

Leeeeets get ready to stuuuuuuuumble!!!!

Love it

PS Love celebrity death match too

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 16:23
^^^^^^^ "Bonecrusher" Saunders in fine combative mood there folks.

Gonna have to agree to disagree on this one Simon old son.

While I dont for one moment doubt Flintoff's commitment to making a go of this rather foolhardy venture I do have a problem with the BBBC who have granted a novice 34 year old man with no fight conditioning a license to step into the ring with a 17 stone bull who in two fights has knocked one opponent unconscious and smashed in the ribcage of another.

Now Flintoff's a man and I dont give a damn whether he climbs out of ring on the shoulders of his cornermen or is carried out in a pine box, but the man has a wife and children who do care.

For me the whole thing stinks to high heaven. Somebody's making money from this circus freakshow and that's wrong IMHO. This isnt a sport to be taken lightly Simon. People get killed participating in it.

Women's boxing is filth and degrading to the fair sex. Men who watch it deserve a bullet in the neck. I've done some research and conducted a long and convoluted argument with a uni graduate female fighter and blogger on The Huff and even she conceded some of the points I was making about safety, damage to the female reproductive organs, breast tissue etc. It should be outlawed and replaced with girls in bikinis wrestling in whipped cream and the sooner the better.

Seriously though female fighting is wrong and a fucking abomination! FACT!

Marvin Hagler, one of the greatest middleweights of all time has poured scorn on this nonsense and fears for Flintoff's safety.

I'm rather inclined to agree with the great man

From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 30 Nov 12 13:32
I'm a cross dresser too.

This morning I put my pants on the wrong way round in the dark so that when I went for a whizz a little later I had to pull the waistband down to get me cory out.

Cross? I was absolutely livid!!

From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 30 Nov 12 08:28
Tommy Twinkle there folks ^^^^^^^^

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 30 Nov 12 08:25

Rumours are rife in TV Land that satellite channel E! Sky Ch 151 are to launch a new offshoot channel geared exclusively towards their Yorkshire viewers.

"E Bah Gum" is set to begin transmitting in Mar 2013.

From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 06:36
There's been a few down the years hasn't there folks? The death struggle in the gladiatorial arena, bear baiting, jelly wrestling and anything involving Millwall football club. So it saddens me beyond words to see that we're to be treated to another unedifying spectacle in the shape of former England test cricketer, and a very fine one I might add, Andrew Flintoff donning the gloves and jamming in the gumshield before embarking on a new career in the ring this Friday where's he's pitted against a 23 year old American fighter with a thus far unblemished record and a punch that could stop a charging bull in its tracks by all accounts.

Sadly this charade is being endorsed by Irish fight legend Barry McGuigan who is trying to whip the perennially crocked Flintoff into shape for the fight.

As someone who has actually been on the wrong side of the ropes, leading with my face and pissing blood in the changing room after a fight I can quite categorically state that there's a world of difference between achieving cardio vascular excellence by jumping rope, pounding the heavy bag and shlepping through the rain at 4.00am doing roadwork (I still cant believe I used to do that shit)and being smashed from arseole to Saturday by a lumbering 17 stone male with a bad attitude and hands of stone.

McGuigan, a thoroughly decent man and a mighty fighter in his day should hang his head in shame at his part in what promoter Frank Malone has dubbed "car crash TV". Then again McGuigan is also an advocate of women's boxing, an abomination and an utter disgrace in my opinion.

I seriously question the motives of any male who wants to watch two young girls beating each other around the head and body for 6 rounds or so and would suggest that their mums should have drowned them in a bucket shortly after birth.

I foresee pain and humiliation for Flintoff and more infamy tarnishing what is known as "The Sweet Science and what for for me is the noblest sport of them all.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 29 Nov 12 13:20
Dear Spoof (now celebrating it's glorious 1311th post)

What a con these so-called mature dating sights are. I joined one the other day thinking I'd be asked to guess the age of various collectables and antiques in a sensible and grown up manner, only to find it was full of a load of dodgy old tugboats wanting to have sex with me.

Gus Tagnut
Old People's Home

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 28 Nov 12 18:59
You forgot to remind em that they're repeating it tomorrow night at 12 to 1 mate. Tsk.

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 28 Nov 12 17:51
Really TV Freeview Ch 17 9.00pm

"Don't Tell The Bride"

One man's heartbreaking tale of how he sawed his cock off whilst doing some DIY the night before his wedding day.

Warning! This programme contains flashing images and a bloke crying with his nob in his hand

From General Discussion / The Naughty Naked Nude Thread.
Posted 28 Nov 12 17:47

Quote: Simon Saunders

The rudity of nudity has given me many thoughts Clive, but it may be better for all concerned if I keep them to myself.


^^^^^^^ cyber bully and man who wears wincyette swimming trunks and blindfold in the bath there folks

From News Discussion / Jesus wept: 'Obama is our Lord and Savior, and then some' says Jamie Foxx
Posted 28 Nov 12 16:44
Just gave your latest a big ole 5 in appro for being eyewateringly funny and for saying "Tallywhacker"

Loved it......

Unlike the piece of literary crap above which features "folks" I aint even heard of goddamit!

From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 16:19
Yep, it's a bit like the players surrounding the ref with their arms flailing wildly after a penalty's been awarded.

In all the years I've been watching the game I've never yet seen the ref turn round to the protesting mellee and say "Oh alright then chaps, you've flailed around so superbly and with such depth of feeling that I'm going to change my mind and let you off.

Goal kick!

From General Discussion / The Naughty Naked Nude Thread.
Posted 28 Nov 12 16:14
Now then....

I bet that's got your attention hasn't it you mucky little oiks and oikettas? hehehe

While I was bolstering the floundering UK economy earlier on I got to wondering about the subtle differences between nudity and nakedness, as you do, and came across this rather fine poem by Robert Graves that does actually go some way towards uncovering (see what I did there?) the solution to this fraught and important question.

Take it away Bob.

The Naked and the Nude
Robert Graves

For me, the naked and the nude
(By lexicographers construed
As synonyms that should express
The same deficiency of dress
Or shelter) stand as wide apart
As love from lies, or truth from art.

Lovers without reproach will gaze
On bodies naked and ablaze;
The Hippocratic eye will see
In nakedness, anatomy;
And naked shines the Goddess when
She mounts her lion among men.

The nude are bold, the nude are sly
To hold each treasonable eye.
While draping by a showman's trick
Their dishabille in rhetoric,
They grin a mock-religious grin
Of scorn at those of naked skin.

The naked, therefore, who compete
Against the nude may know defeat;
Yet when they both together tread
The briary pastures of the dead,
By Gorgons with long whips pursued,
How naked go the sometime nude!

Personally I think that if you're naked you would like to be covered but if you're nude you dont give a monkeys who sees your naughty bits. Hence we have the nudist beach but no naked beach.

Any thoughts people?

From General Discussion / Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Posted 28 Nov 12 13:07
Elementary my dear Francisco. It's so that perfectly innocent holidaymakers like myself are sick into their mouths after being treated to the sight of grossly overweight Germans in garish bathing briefs waddling along through the shallows with their purulent arse cracks and luxuriant hairy backs on display to all and sundry.........

And the men aren't much better either.

From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 28 Nov 12 08:49
Enter Sandman - Metallica.

A wonderfully malevolent portrayal of the writhing snakes and capering demons that lurk in the deepest canyons of our minds after we've drifted into the not so gentle arms of sweet Morpheus.

Phones on, volume up and stiff drink at hand please children.


BOO! hehehehe

From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 28 Nov 12 06:38

Quote: Simon Saunders

Clive. It's the one with a news reporter in a blue and black jacket holding a microphone.

I would say the name of the guy but that would spoil the joke.

By the way, this link has been completely trouble free for me

I hope this helps.

As for Roy's lady. Her name reminds me of that 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' song.

Mate I still couldnt access the fucker. Got a message saying something about "Address Not Understood You May Have To Download Software" or some such twaddle.

Can you call me later and read out the dialogue in an American accent please?

Ta very muchly.

From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 18:54

Quote: Roy Turse

Not someone I know but it seems like it is a real person.

I don't have a live FB account right now so all I caught was a brief glimpse of the lady's profile sadly.

It does rather beg the question as to whether Ms Lingus is married however. If so I'd suggest she hasn't really thought things through

Simon - That link takes me to a whole selection of vids mate. Which one's the good un?

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 27 Nov 12 18:40
Simon your cynicism and paranoia does you great credit mate. Keep it up.

Roy I watched the first episode last week and although I thought the plot involving the two septuagenarian FB lovers was a little far fetched, vis a vis high speed car chases etc, the level of acting by both Jacobi and La Reid was so sublime, it papered over a multitude of squealing tyre and melting brake linings sins.

From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 13:20
It's funny you should say that really Simon. I remember once breaking down in the Blackwall Tunnel when who should come along and give me a tow but the footballer Alan Ball and his Dad Alan Snr.

Ah yes my friend, I'll never forget the day I was dragged out of The Blackwall Tunnel by the Balls!

Absolutely true story that is. Toe's lying, cheating, conniving PR man told me.

From General Discussion / Justice At High Noon. An Everyday Story Of Gun Totin' Folk
Posted 27 Nov 12 12:47
I must admit even I had a bit of a chuckle when I watched this minor epic me old china plate. hehehe

I do hope you're going to take your shots btw


From General Discussion / Justice At High Noon. An Everyday Story Of Gun Totin' Folk
Posted 27 Nov 12 08:40
This Compo Aint Big Enough For The Both Of Us Cowboy

*lights pipe and strides purposefully towards Boot Hill*

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