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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 5 Dec 12 16:31
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Dear Spoof

I ran over a Jewish geezer in Whitechapel High Street earlier. I've jumped out the motor and stuck a pillow under his nut before covering him with a traveling rug.

"Are you comfortable my son?" I asked him, my face etched with concern.

"Oi vay" he moaned "I make a living"

That's all folks. No really!.

CRY HAVOC AND RELEASE THE ACRONOMISTS OF YORE!

Clivey Dee
On The Sofa With A Lovely Mug Of Splosh And His Noddy And Big Ears Slippers On.



 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 4 Dec 12 08:40
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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 4 Dec 12 05:28
Message
^^^^^^ Godamn colonial s.o.b. (can I say "colonial"?) , flying in the face of thread convention by omitting "Dear Spoof" from message there.

Dear Spoof

Is it just me or is it a little cold in here?

Firstly I'd like to thank all the kind folks who sent me their support, both on the forums and via electronic mail etc. It was both heartening and humbling so thank you.

Secondly I'm not going to waste my time defending my position, vis a vis my alleged outbreak of rabid racism, as some of you have already done so in far more eloquent fashion than I ever could.

Suffice to say that I thought, mistakenly as it's turned out, that by lampooning the very type of individual I despise, my anti racist stance would come across all the more vehemently. If I offended anyone with my rather colourful choice of language in so doing then I offer my sincere apologies.

Finally, and just to add colour to my opinion on those who castigate and deride their fellow human beings, who happen to have a different colour skin to themselves or who worship a different God, my father, an active trades unionist, was imprisoned and beaten in a Johannesburg police station for championing the rights of black mineworkers during the dark days of Apartheid.

I learned all I needed to know about the stinking cancer of racial intolerance at his knee.

Now before I mosey off into the setting London smog my fiends, (sp)?, I should like to remind you all that there's still a compo to be entered and won, and furthermore, now that I'm no longer on the scene the way is open for one of you to piss all over all the other writers and win by an absolute country mile, so in the words of the immortal Brucie......KEEEEEEEEP SPOOFING!

x

Cliveypops
Moving purposefully away from the tent
Alabamee



 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 3 Dec 12 17:40
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Dear Spoof

I'm just stepping outside gentlemen.

I may be some time.

x

Clive Danton
The Eagle's Nest
Wapping

 
From General Discussion / Worrying Statistics
Posted 3 Dec 12 13:03
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Here's one I heard earlier on the talking radio machine.

Apparently 6 children of school age have been arrested every day in the United Kingdom for a number of serious criminal offences in the past year, including, gun crime, assault, robbery and drug dealing.

Well I for one will be having strong words with my 11 year old son this evening. As for his 5 mates, there's not much I can do about them really.

Are you aware of any worrying statistics folks? eh?......eh?......EH?????

 
From News Discussion / Britain Braces Itself For Mild Weather
Posted 3 Dec 12 06:42
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BRILLIANT! This one really appealed to my sense of the absurd.

I mean to say, who in their right mind would call themself "Skoob" FFS!

I bet he's on of these racialists I've read about in The Guardian

5!!!

 
From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 3 Dec 12 06:37
Message
There you are you see chaps and chaperinas. Proof positive that not every horny-handed, mechanically adept son of the East End is a dyed in the wool, swivel-eyed member of the British National Party.

My largesse towards the ethnic community knows no bounds to be fair and extends from the vile beery Australasian of convict stock, right down to the hyper inflation bedeviled Zimbabwean Zulu warrior.

I'm particularly fond of the boys down at the China Garden Cantonese Takeaway as it goes folks. Mind you they are all born and bred in Stepney Green

 
From General Discussion / Overly Effusive Football Chants
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:09
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^^^^^^^^ Fine example of over effusiveness in The Midlands from the son of Finbar there.

On away trips we used to sing in our customary friendly East London manner:

"West 'am boys we are 'ere wo-oh, wo-oh. West 'am boys we are 'ere, **** your women and drink your beer. Wooooooooo-ooooooh

Unfortunately we were usually penned into some piss and Bovril scented enclosure surrounded by a heavy police presence and snarling Alsations and didn't really manage to succeed in either endeavour.

 
From General Discussion / Overly Effusive Football Chants
Posted 2 Dec 12 15:23
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Here's one I heard earlier.....

"And it's MK Dons......MK Dons FC! You're by far the greatest team, the world has ever seen!"

So that's that settled then.

Next!

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 2 Dec 12 11:31
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BBC 2 1.30pm

Snooker: The UK Championship.

"They're spread wide across the table! It's an impossible position! He's going for a deep screw! He's gripping it halfway down the shaft! You can see the protruding butt! Just look at those balls!!!"

Shouldn't be allowed!

 
From News Discussion / Andrew Flintoff Fails Breathalyser Test During F1 Debut
Posted 2 Dec 12 11:14
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Quote: Skoob1999

A sure fire compo winner if ever I saw one!

Regards

Skoob


Modesty forbids old son.

Do you hear me damn your eyes????!!!!

MODESTY FORBIDS!!!!!! *seethe, gasp, pant, wheeze*

 
From News Discussion / 'The Spoof' Facing Backlash After Damning Leveson Report
Posted 2 Dec 12 10:42
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Enjoyable

5!

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 2 Dec 12 10:40
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Quote: armfeetandtoe

Pretty lame performance from Tyson this evening. My Nan could have put on better show. Dont think he is ready to meet Klichko yet. Shame.



Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Steady on old fruit! I think you're being extremely harsh and overly judgmental on this one dear boy.

I reckon Fury would give Mrs Klitschko at least a couple of problems in the early rounds before she retired on her stool in the 6th to get Vladimir's tea ready.



 
From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 2 Dec 12 10:33
Message

Quote: churchmouse

I liked that Clive.



Thanks Gazza. You're my friend too and I'll thank you to remember that when you open your mighty "Wallet Of Plenty" on the 15th so that you can keep me supplied with fizzy lager and powerful grog chasers until I tell you to stop.



 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 2 Dec 12 07:06
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From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 2 Dec 12 06:34
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James is in his late 30s I think, although it's hard to tell as he has a youthful, open face, smooth and unlined. He stands around 6' tall and is broad shouldered and powerful, although with a rapidly growing paunch, due mainly to the vast quantities of junk he eagerly shovels into his face.

James is a good mechanic I guess. Diligent and meticulous rather than brilliant. He works with a kind of resigned fervour, muttering a constant string of profanities as he plods along.

James doesn't like it one bit if you ask to borrow one of his tools. They're his beloved, cosseted children and if you ask to hold one for a while he says "For fuck's sake"

James likes girls and has an easy charm in their company which, coupled with his good looks, means they like him also.

James doesn't have a girlfriend because he thinks they are all after his money so about once a month he pays a pretty lady in her 30s to sleep with him.

James lives with his mother, a large and stupidly pretty lady in her early 60s and it's one of my greatest pleasures to be invited round for dinner when she cooks me roast lamb with herbs, kisses my cheek noisily and calls me "a lovely boy"

James has a serious liver disorder and sometimes he gets sick and has to go to hospital. I visit him there and eat his fruit while he points at the pretty girls seated at the nurses station and says to me gravely. "You see them Clivey? They all want me mate. They all of them want me"

James is a gentle soul, friendly but quiet. People know when not to push him too far though. They just do.

James neither drinks nor smokes but he never judges me and sometimes gives me a bottle of rum as a gift.

James doesn't like sport much and his eyes glaze over if I start expounding the delights of a West Ham victory.

James would stand alongside me if there were any trouble as I would stand alongside him.

James was brought to this country from St Vincent in The Carribbean when he was very young.

James has skin so black that when he sweats up I check my appearance in his face.

James calls me a "white nigger" and I call him "Sambo" and a "big belly black bitch"

James at work is my friend and I'm proud of that.

 
From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 1 Dec 12 13:33
Message
Everybody running around Africa hacking each other with machetes???

Blimey did I really say that???

Jesus Christ let me write an immediate and sincere retraction.

I Cliveypops being of almost sound mind would like to emphasise in the strongest possible terms that some people that live in Africa remain absolutely machete wound free and in point of fact have never even cut their finger on blade of maize grass.

Having said that however, I did have a good mate at work named Frank who fled war torn Uganda during the despotic reign of General Idi Amin who once banged his head on an oil sump after standing up a bit too quick in the inspection pit.

*lights pipe and begins to browse through "Holidays In Sub Saharan Africa" brochure*

Hmmmmm Ivory Coast looks nice......so does The Democratic Republic Of The Congo.......I'm a bit torn between that and The Sudan really........Oh 'ang on!!!

Jilly! How do you fancy a fortnight's full board at The Hotel Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda this year love?"

Fuck's sake!

 
From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 1 Dec 12 07:00
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Talking of Africans, what with this Aids epidemic that's sweeping the continent and the fact they seem to spend rather a lot of their spare time hacking each other to bits with knives, do you ever think there'll come a time when there's only one rather emaciated geezer left, with a dripping machete in his hand?

Food for thought and no error my friends

Still you dont like to grumble do yers?

 
From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:47
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Went down well this thread didn't it folks?

Just heard a spokeswoman for The Aids Foundation reveal on the radio that thousands of HIV riddled Africans are "completely unaware of their status"

Well I'd have thought they'd have far more to worry about than nipping onto Facebook to tell their friends that they're just diving into the bog for a shit really, wouldn't you?

Heartless and unnecessary!

 
From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:41
Message
Nothing Else Matters - Apocalyptica.

Thank You x


A pretty girl sent me this the other day and I found it rather beautiful.

"What do you think Clivey?" she asked

"I think you have the prettiest green eyes I ever saw" I replied.

A hospital spokesperson described my condition last night as "Quids in"



 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:23
Message

Quote: Simon Saunders

Just read the Flintoff story Clive.

Had me chuckling. Loved the pic and caption.

Simon


A compo winner if ever I saw one Simon

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:22
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Just listened to the boxing hack for The Telegraph call this fight "ill conceived, a freakshow, potentially dangerous, and "the lowest rung of professional boxing.

Flintoff needs to collect his ill gotten gains and fuck off back to the pub before leaving the way clear for the many hungry young fighters that are toiling and sweating in gyms the length and breadth of this country who would give their eye teeth for an opportunity to fight for such a purse in front of a packed house.

For me this was no better than dwarf amputee porn and an utter disgrace that shamed the noble art.



 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 05:09
Message

Quote: Francois Dubois, S.J.

Indeed Hearns and Haggler's battle was epic. But in the wake of the loss of Hector Camacho this week, the fight where he threw six consecutive uppercuts to floor Ray Leonard, then hit him with another to overwhelm him was incredible.

Sure, Leonard was 40--but Hector also gave us "No mas!" against Roberto Duran, who I thought was a better hitter than Leonard.

Remember that fight?

But of all the epic fights (Balboa notwithstanding) those of Ali vs. Frazier were the very best I ever saw.

As for pure, unadulterated legal mayhem & terror: Mike Tyson! No doubt about it.


Frankie I remember all those fights including "No Mas" and "Uno Mas" when old "Hands Of Stone" ran out of dough hehehe.

All beautiful, all great.

There are literally hundreds of great wars in the boxing archives mate and nobody has a right to say which one was the greatest.........except maybe the winner of one of em

PS Flintoff stunk the joint out last night and shamed our great sport. Fortunately he got hit by one or two big bombs and has decided a rethink vis a vis his career in the ring is concerned hehehe.

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 05:02
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Freddie Flintoff spoof on the way guys. hehehe

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 19:17
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Stop arguing or I'll squeam and squeam until I'm sthick!!!

AND THAT'S MY LAST WORD ON THIS ONE!



 
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