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From News Discussion / Britain Braces Itself For Mild Weather
Posted 3 Dec 12 06:42
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BRILLIANT! This one really appealed to my sense of the absurd.

I mean to say, who in their right mind would call themself "Skoob" FFS!

I bet he's on of these racialists I've read about in The Guardian

5!!!

 
From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 3 Dec 12 06:37
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There you are you see chaps and chaperinas. Proof positive that not every horny-handed, mechanically adept son of the East End is a dyed in the wool, swivel-eyed member of the British National Party.

My largesse towards the ethnic community knows no bounds to be fair and extends from the vile beery Australasian of convict stock, right down to the hyper inflation bedeviled Zimbabwean Zulu warrior.

I'm particularly fond of the boys down at the China Garden Cantonese Takeaway as it goes folks. Mind you they are all born and bred in Stepney Green

 
From General Discussion / Overly Effusive Football Chants
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:09
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^^^^^^^^ Fine example of over effusiveness in The Midlands from the son of Finbar there.

On away trips we used to sing in our customary friendly East London manner:

"West 'am boys we are 'ere wo-oh, wo-oh. West 'am boys we are 'ere, **** your women and drink your beer. Wooooooooo-ooooooh

Unfortunately we were usually penned into some piss and Bovril scented enclosure surrounded by a heavy police presence and snarling Alsations and didn't really manage to succeed in either endeavour.

 
From General Discussion / Overly Effusive Football Chants
Posted 2 Dec 12 15:23
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Here's one I heard earlier.....

"And it's MK Dons......MK Dons FC! You're by far the greatest team, the world has ever seen!"

So that's that settled then.

Next!

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 2 Dec 12 11:31
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BBC 2 1.30pm

Snooker: The UK Championship.

"They're spread wide across the table! It's an impossible position! He's going for a deep screw! He's gripping it halfway down the shaft! You can see the protruding butt! Just look at those balls!!!"

Shouldn't be allowed!

 
From News Discussion / Andrew Flintoff Fails Breathalyser Test During F1 Debut
Posted 2 Dec 12 11:14
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Quote: Skoob1999

A sure fire compo winner if ever I saw one!

Regards

Skoob


Modesty forbids old son.

Do you hear me damn your eyes????!!!!

MODESTY FORBIDS!!!!!! *seethe, gasp, pant, wheeze*

 
From News Discussion / 'The Spoof' Facing Backlash After Damning Leveson Report
Posted 2 Dec 12 10:42
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Enjoyable

5!

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 2 Dec 12 10:40
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Quote: armfeetandtoe

Pretty lame performance from Tyson this evening. My Nan could have put on better show. Dont think he is ready to meet Klichko yet. Shame.



Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Steady on old fruit! I think you're being extremely harsh and overly judgmental on this one dear boy.

I reckon Fury would give Mrs Klitschko at least a couple of problems in the early rounds before she retired on her stool in the 6th to get Vladimir's tea ready.



 
From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 2 Dec 12 10:33
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Quote: churchmouse

I liked that Clive.



Thanks Gazza. You're my friend too and I'll thank you to remember that when you open your mighty "Wallet Of Plenty" on the 15th so that you can keep me supplied with fizzy lager and powerful grog chasers until I tell you to stop.



 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 2 Dec 12 07:06
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From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 2 Dec 12 06:34
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James is in his late 30s I think, although it's hard to tell as he has a youthful, open face, smooth and unlined. He stands around 6' tall and is broad shouldered and powerful, although with a rapidly growing paunch, due mainly to the vast quantities of junk he eagerly shovels into his face.

James is a good mechanic I guess. Diligent and meticulous rather than brilliant. He works with a kind of resigned fervour, muttering a constant string of profanities as he plods along.

James doesn't like it one bit if you ask to borrow one of his tools. They're his beloved, cosseted children and if you ask to hold one for a while he says "For fuck's sake"

James likes girls and has an easy charm in their company which, coupled with his good looks, means they like him also.

James doesn't have a girlfriend because he thinks they are all after his money so about once a month he pays a pretty lady in her 30s to sleep with him.

James lives with his mother, a large and stupidly pretty lady in her early 60s and it's one of my greatest pleasures to be invited round for dinner when she cooks me roast lamb with herbs, kisses my cheek noisily and calls me "a lovely boy"

James has a serious liver disorder and sometimes he gets sick and has to go to hospital. I visit him there and eat his fruit while he points at the pretty girls seated at the nurses station and says to me gravely. "You see them Clivey? They all want me mate. They all of them want me"

James is a gentle soul, friendly but quiet. People know when not to push him too far though. They just do.

James neither drinks nor smokes but he never judges me and sometimes gives me a bottle of rum as a gift.

James doesn't like sport much and his eyes glaze over if I start expounding the delights of a West Ham victory.

James would stand alongside me if there were any trouble as I would stand alongside him.

James was brought to this country from St Vincent in The Carribbean when he was very young.

James has skin so black that when he sweats up I check my appearance in his face.

James calls me a "white nigger" and I call him "Sambo" and a "big belly black bitch"

James at work is my friend and I'm proud of that.

 
From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 1 Dec 12 13:33
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Everybody running around Africa hacking each other with machetes???

Blimey did I really say that???

Jesus Christ let me write an immediate and sincere retraction.

I Cliveypops being of almost sound mind would like to emphasise in the strongest possible terms that some people that live in Africa remain absolutely machete wound free and in point of fact have never even cut their finger on blade of maize grass.

Having said that however, I did have a good mate at work named Frank who fled war torn Uganda during the despotic reign of General Idi Amin who once banged his head on an oil sump after standing up a bit too quick in the inspection pit.

*lights pipe and begins to browse through "Holidays In Sub Saharan Africa" brochure*

Hmmmmm Ivory Coast looks nice......so does The Democratic Republic Of The Congo.......I'm a bit torn between that and The Sudan really........Oh 'ang on!!!

Jilly! How do you fancy a fortnight's full board at The Hotel Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda this year love?"

Fuck's sake!

 
From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 1 Dec 12 07:00
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Talking of Africans, what with this Aids epidemic that's sweeping the continent and the fact they seem to spend rather a lot of their spare time hacking each other to bits with knives, do you ever think there'll come a time when there's only one rather emaciated geezer left, with a dripping machete in his hand?

Food for thought and no error my friends

Still you dont like to grumble do yers?

 
From General Discussion / National HIV Screening Week Starts In The UK Today!
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:47
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Went down well this thread didn't it folks?

Just heard a spokeswoman for The Aids Foundation reveal on the radio that thousands of HIV riddled Africans are "completely unaware of their status"

Well I'd have thought they'd have far more to worry about than nipping onto Facebook to tell their friends that they're just diving into the bog for a shit really, wouldn't you?

Heartless and unnecessary!

 
From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:41
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Nothing Else Matters - Apocalyptica.

Thank You x


A pretty girl sent me this the other day and I found it rather beautiful.

"What do you think Clivey?" she asked

"I think you have the prettiest green eyes I ever saw" I replied.

A hospital spokesperson described my condition last night as "Quids in"



 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:23
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Quote: Simon Saunders

Just read the Flintoff story Clive.

Had me chuckling. Loved the pic and caption.

Simon


A compo winner if ever I saw one Simon

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 06:22
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Just listened to the boxing hack for The Telegraph call this fight "ill conceived, a freakshow, potentially dangerous, and "the lowest rung of professional boxing.

Flintoff needs to collect his ill gotten gains and fuck off back to the pub before leaving the way clear for the many hungry young fighters that are toiling and sweating in gyms the length and breadth of this country who would give their eye teeth for an opportunity to fight for such a purse in front of a packed house.

For me this was no better than dwarf amputee porn and an utter disgrace that shamed the noble art.



 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 05:09
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Quote: Francois Dubois, S.J.

Indeed Hearns and Haggler's battle was epic. But in the wake of the loss of Hector Camacho this week, the fight where he threw six consecutive uppercuts to floor Ray Leonard, then hit him with another to overwhelm him was incredible.

Sure, Leonard was 40--but Hector also gave us "No mas!" against Roberto Duran, who I thought was a better hitter than Leonard.

Remember that fight?

But of all the epic fights (Balboa notwithstanding) those of Ali vs. Frazier were the very best I ever saw.

As for pure, unadulterated legal mayhem & terror: Mike Tyson! No doubt about it.


Frankie I remember all those fights including "No Mas" and "Uno Mas" when old "Hands Of Stone" ran out of dough hehehe.

All beautiful, all great.

There are literally hundreds of great wars in the boxing archives mate and nobody has a right to say which one was the greatest.........except maybe the winner of one of em

PS Flintoff stunk the joint out last night and shamed our great sport. Fortunately he got hit by one or two big bombs and has decided a rethink vis a vis his career in the ring is concerned hehehe.

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 1 Dec 12 05:02
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Freddie Flintoff spoof on the way guys. hehehe

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 19:17
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Stop arguing or I'll squeam and squeam until I'm sthick!!!

AND THAT'S MY LAST WORD ON THIS ONE!



 
From News Discussion / Unstoppable computer virus "Clivey Dee" will strike Xmas Eve!
Posted 30 Nov 12 18:09
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Frankie boy, this little beauty has second place written all over it. I ploughed through around 10 subs about The Celtic Bay Giants and Honey Boo Boo just to give this baby the works.

5!

PS I'll post it in the thread as soon as I've finished showing the woman next door a mighty good time ok?

5!

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 30 Nov 12 17:36
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Dear Spoof

Yeah you have your pantyhose inside out again and the seam's chaffing your cobbler's awls.

Oprah Winfrey
Silvertown
East London

 
From General Discussion / Life's Great Pleasures
Posted 30 Nov 12 17:30
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Don't go talkin' to me about no tights, or pantyhose as Frankie calls em when he orders his lingerie from Maceys Debs.

I wore a pair of those babies when I went fishing in January once and they made my thighs cold and flattened all the hairs down the wrong way.

The bra kept me pecs warm though

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 17:22
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The War!

Ok listen up you fight fans. If you want to see boxing in all it's balletic beauty and bestial savagery watch the above link and witness what is arguably the greatest fight of all times. The Ring called it "the most electrifying eight minutes of boxing ever" and I aint gonna disagree with em.

Two of the greatest middleweights that ever drew breath in a brutal display of conditioning, endurance, skill and above all, sheer fighting heart.

The sight of the brooding, blood soaked Hagler being born around the ring by his corner as the mighty Hitman Hearns was carried from the ring on his shield like the true warrior he was is one of the iconic moments in the history of the fight game.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful stuff indeed!

 
From General Discussion / Great Sporting Obscenities
Posted 30 Nov 12 16:48
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Laydeeez and chennelmen! Preeesenting and introdoocin' to you. He weighs in at a ready 215lbs with a rekkord of 5000 plus great spoofs, winnin' all 5000 by way of beautiful wordsmithery. "Fightin' Frankie Dubooooooooooois!!!!!

Leeeeets get ready to stuuuuuuuumble!!!!

Love it

PS Love celebrity death match too





 
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