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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof "Now with added idle drunken rhetoric"
Posted 29 Dec 13 16:36
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Dear Spoof "Now etc"

Rumours of my insanity are wholly accurate, deeply hurtful and beyond any conjecture and you can tell Mark Twain I said that!

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof "Now with added idle drunken rhetoric"
Posted 29 Dec 13 05:40
Message
Dear Spoof "Now with etc"

BREAKING NEWS: Large Crack Opens In Antarctica Bringing Relief To Encased Russian Ship. "It was the least I could do" says Katie Price. Source. Associated Press.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof "Now with added idle drunken rhetoric"
Posted 29 Dec 13 05:35
Message
Dear Spoof "Now with added idle, drunken rhetoric"

Convince impressionable young women in night clubs that you're a professional footballer by hurling yourself to the ground, writhing in agony when one of them gently brushes past you on the way to the ladies lavatory.

Will Carling
Lady Diana Trading Estate
Paris

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof "Now with added idle drunken rhetoric"
Posted 10 Dec 13 06:10
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Dear Spoof "Now with added, idle drunken rhetoric"

Merry Christmas Francisco!

What can I say my friend? I guess I'm just a born, low-down, lousy agent provok...agent provoccy...agent provocer...shit stirrer

*lights pipe and grabs bottle of Crispin before drinking deeply*

Man that's some mighty fine shit right there my friends!

Who's fightin' on Boxing Day? Why my nan and grandad of course! Married 67 years and hatin' each other just a little more with every passing day

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof "Now with added idle drunken rhetoric"
Posted 9 Dec 13 16:14
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Ellie, Les and Debs = ELD = Excellent Lampooning Delights!

A very merry Xmas guys

 
From General Discussion / What have you all been up to?
Posted 7 Dec 13 18:14
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For myself I have been living a frugal, albeit spiritually uplifting existence as forehead massage wallah to Olly Murs.

The pay is risible and the work backbreaking, but the look of sheer joy and gratitude on his gigantic clock as I apply the final dab of Loosol "Easing Oil To The Stars", to the wrinkly bit that covers his temporal lobe, gives me such pleasure that I have on occasion climaxed both violently and copiously inside my clothing.

Fortunately it's what I would have wanted.

NEXT!

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof "Now with added idle drunken rhetoric"
Posted 7 Dec 13 18:00
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Dear Spoof with added idle,drunken rhetoric.

Only kidding!

I wish you all well and a merry Christmas to one and all.

Gawd 'elp us everyone

 
From General Discussion / One-Thumb tosser
Posted 4 Feb 13 06:58
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WHAT'S ALL THIS SHOUTING?.........etc.

Awwwww come on QM, dont be like that. Twas just a little cockney mischief, born from the somewhat "Disgusted Of Mayfair" aspect of this rather fraught little thread, and in truth I genuinely didn't think that the stricken spoof concerned met with your usual excellent satirical standards. Just look upon my somewhat harsh critique as a spur, a benign and friendly nudge that will enthuse you and drive you to reach your former lofty comedic heights.

I'm a giver at the end of the day Queenie. A giver!

As a very wise man once remarked "Don't judge me lest ye be judged" and as another man, perhaps not quite so wise, also declared......THAT'S MY FINAL WORD ON THIS ONE!

Cliveypops Dee
Head Of Racial Intolerance
Satire Safe House
Dorking.

PS. I'm not the one-thumb tosser whom you seek with such ardent diligence, so I'm afraid your noble quest, rather sadly, must continue. Good luck

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 24 Dec 12 20:52
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Quote: Erskin Quint

Herring, erring, rearing, runs into Nazi Goring.


Gash noshing icon ruins ruby's eager hymen.

You see my extremely tedious friend. Some of us can do these backwards

Let the defiant retaliatory acronyms commence.



 
From General Discussion / Season's Greetings From The Isle Of SSHite!
Posted 24 Dec 12 18:38
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Quote: Skoob1999

Churchy - you've got some slather on your shirt, mate. Be a good chap and wipe it off. By Lord Harry! You can't move in here tonight! Inchy! Mine's a pint chum! Now then - where were we...

Oh yes!

Seasons Greetings all!

Festive regards,

Skoob.

Oy! Stop copying and pasting our smoke signals you
cad!


^^^^^^^ cyber bully, naked altar boy to St Francis Of Duboissey and arch malingerer who always seems to have "a bit of a cold coming on" when it's time to empty the receptacle in the vomiting bay.

Oh yes!

 
From General Discussion / Season's Greetings From The Isle Of SSHite!
Posted 24 Dec 12 18:02
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Good Eve.

I'd like if I may to recount a strange and rather wondrous tale of an adventure that befell myself and a small but perfectly deformed number of your fellow Sp**feteers a short while ago, which hopefully will explain our rather sudden, alarming disappearance from the scene.

It was on December 6 2012 in this year of Our Lord that a doughty band of folding, vomiting and bar raising pioneers set sail in the sturdy little slathering sloop, HMS Pinxit, in search of the fabled Coal Hole Grail, which is reputed to be the pint mug from which Ellis drank at The Last Slather just before he was arrested and crucified for bumming without due care and attention.

Unfortunately just as we rounded the treacherous Cape Of Dear Spoof we were blown onto a reef and wrecked by a gust of hot air from Hurricane Mabel just before she made landfall at Inchcock County on the eastern seaboard of Nottingham.

By sheer good fortune 13 souls managed to struggle onto the beach at The Isle Of SSHite, part of the idyllic Acronomy Islands archepelago, where we have been ever since really.

We spend our days arguing, plagiarising each others work and drinking from the various lager fountains that dot the island in between trying to ingratiate ourselves with the dusky, bare-breasted lovelies of the warlike SSHite Tribe who occasionally come down from the hills to give us succour, and any other services we can afford to pay for.

We have also spent some of our time constructing a tiny, rudimentary settlement which we have dubbed Port Lyntypops, consisting of a small nite club "Juanita's Joint" ably stewarded by an oriental member of the caring profession and her 90 year old, ex Bolivian military pantyhose wallah. Our small ad hoc hamlet also boasts a fully functional vomiting bay made entirely from our pubic hair, and a Roman Catholic cathedral, built from driftwood, which we have dubbed "The Church Of Our Lady Of Duboissey" where our lone American fellow castaway "Saint" Francis Of West Virginny spends his Saturday nights at his devotions, pausing momentarily to fire his Saturday Night Special into the ceiling and to urinate in the font. Sadly the place has recently become infested by a small Churchmouse which annoys worshippers by raiding the communion wine cellar and constantly boasting about it's personal wealth and exotic harem of Bavarian totty.

We have taken measures towards effecting our rescue by building a signal fire atop the highest point on the island, Mount Skoob, where we take it in turns to send smoke signals to any passing shipping. Unfortunately a renegade member of our band, the vile compo cheat, and notorious heterosexual, Toe, keeps copying and pasting our smoke before taking it to the other side of the island and making our signals much better and even funnier.

So you see my friends, it is for the reasons above that we are no longer amongst you and has absolutely nothing to do with your ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation or indeed your lack of acronymical dexterity on that true doyen of forum threads. Oh dear me no. That's right out that is!

So let me close by wishing all my dear friends on The Sp**f a very merry Xmas and a happy and above all, a healthy new year.

Love and (((((((HUGZZZ))))))))) from all on The Isle Of SSHite.

Having a wonderful time, wish you were here..................................I expect.

 
From General Discussion / The Gang Of Four
Posted 7 Dec 12 08:13
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Quote: Monkey Woods

I opened on this thread because I thought you were referring to the band of the same name, which would have been such an incredible coincidence, as I have been playing their back catalogue for a fortnight now.


Let that be a salutory and hard learned lesson to you then Mr Woods. Surely you've born witness to my output long enough to know that it's a constant source of bitter disappointment

No twas merely a little affectionate dig at the four sparkling heroes who dubbed me a racist and rather bravely went behind my Caucasian back and told the editor in chief of my infamy.

The gentle xenophobic gag at the end was an afterthought and all my own work, in case anybody wishes to consider leagal redress.

*puffs contentedly on pipe and buries nose in The General Principles Of English Law by Reg Kray*

 
From General Discussion / The Gang Of Four
Posted 7 Dec 12 06:24
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The Gang of Four (simplified Chinese: ???; traditional Chinese: ???; pinyin: Sìrén b?ng) was the name given to a political faction composed of four Chinese Communist Party officials. They came to prominence during the Cultural Revolution (1966-76) and were subsequently charged with a series of treasonous crimes. The members consisted of Mao Zedong's last wife Jiang Qing, the leading figure of the group, and her close associates Zhang Chunqiao, Yao Wenyuan, and Wang Hongwen.

Source Wiki.

The little rascals eh folks? No wonder old Chairman Mao slung em all in chokey. Tsk.

A mate of mine was a Chinese dissident you know? I went to visit him in the nick once. Trouble was, half an hour later I wanted to visit him again.

Absolutely true that is, a geezer down the takeaway told me.

That was my little swansong gag btw. See what I just did there?

 
From News Discussion / Pre Menstrual Woman Kills Husband For Whistling
Posted 6 Dec 12 06:56
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The author of this hateful diatribe is clearly a rabid pre-menstrualist and deserves to have his trousers pulled down in public.

Debag him!........Debag him I say!!!.......DEBAG SOME SENSE INTO HIM!!!!!!!

1 !!!!!!!!

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 5 Dec 12 18:30
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^^^^^^ you little beauty! You've just won me 30 smackers from my fellow Coal Hole Firm members son.

Merry Christmas!

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 5 Dec 12 16:31
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Dear Spoof

I ran over a Jewish geezer in Whitechapel High Street earlier. I've jumped out the motor and stuck a pillow under his nut before covering him with a traveling rug.

"Are you comfortable my son?" I asked him, my face etched with concern.

"Oi vay" he moaned "I make a living"

That's all folks. No really!.

CRY HAVOC AND RELEASE THE ACRONOMISTS OF YORE!

Clivey Dee
On The Sofa With A Lovely Mug Of Splosh And His Noddy And Big Ears Slippers On.



 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 4 Dec 12 08:40
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From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 4 Dec 12 05:28
Message
^^^^^^ Godamn colonial s.o.b. (can I say "colonial"?) , flying in the face of thread convention by omitting "Dear Spoof" from message there.

Dear Spoof

Is it just me or is it a little cold in here?

Firstly I'd like to thank all the kind folks who sent me their support, both on the forums and via electronic mail etc. It was both heartening and humbling so thank you.

Secondly I'm not going to waste my time defending my position, vis a vis my alleged outbreak of rabid racism, as some of you have already done so in far more eloquent fashion than I ever could.

Suffice to say that I thought, mistakenly as it's turned out, that by lampooning the very type of individual I despise, my anti racist stance would come across all the more vehemently. If I offended anyone with my rather colourful choice of language in so doing then I offer my sincere apologies.

Finally, and just to add colour to my opinion on those who castigate and deride their fellow human beings, who happen to have a different colour skin to themselves or who worship a different God, my father, an active trades unionist, was imprisoned and beaten in a Johannesburg police station for championing the rights of black mineworkers during the dark days of Apartheid.

I learned all I needed to know about the stinking cancer of racial intolerance at his knee.

Now before I mosey off into the setting London smog my fiends, (sp)?, I should like to remind you all that there's still a compo to be entered and won, and furthermore, now that I'm no longer on the scene the way is open for one of you to piss all over all the other writers and win by an absolute country mile, so in the words of the immortal Brucie......KEEEEEEEEP SPOOFING!

x

Cliveypops
Moving purposefully away from the tent
Alabamee



 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 3 Dec 12 17:40
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Dear Spoof

I'm just stepping outside gentlemen.

I may be some time.

x

Clive Danton
The Eagle's Nest
Wapping

 
From General Discussion / Worrying Statistics
Posted 3 Dec 12 13:03
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Here's one I heard earlier on the talking radio machine.

Apparently 6 children of school age have been arrested every day in the United Kingdom for a number of serious criminal offences in the past year, including, gun crime, assault, robbery and drug dealing.

Well I for one will be having strong words with my 11 year old son this evening. As for his 5 mates, there's not much I can do about them really.

Are you aware of any worrying statistics folks? eh?......eh?......EH?????

 
From News Discussion / Britain Braces Itself For Mild Weather
Posted 3 Dec 12 06:42
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BRILLIANT! This one really appealed to my sense of the absurd.

I mean to say, who in their right mind would call themself "Skoob" FFS!

I bet he's on of these racialists I've read about in The Guardian

5!!!

 
From General Discussion / My Friend At Work Called James
Posted 3 Dec 12 06:37
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There you are you see chaps and chaperinas. Proof positive that not every horny-handed, mechanically adept son of the East End is a dyed in the wool, swivel-eyed member of the British National Party.

My largesse towards the ethnic community knows no bounds to be fair and extends from the vile beery Australasian of convict stock, right down to the hyper inflation bedeviled Zimbabwean Zulu warrior.

I'm particularly fond of the boys down at the China Garden Cantonese Takeaway as it goes folks. Mind you they are all born and bred in Stepney Green

 
From General Discussion / Overly Effusive Football Chants
Posted 2 Dec 12 16:09
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^^^^^^^^ Fine example of over effusiveness in The Midlands from the son of Finbar there.

On away trips we used to sing in our customary friendly East London manner:

"West 'am boys we are 'ere wo-oh, wo-oh. West 'am boys we are 'ere, **** your women and drink your beer. Wooooooooo-ooooooh

Unfortunately we were usually penned into some piss and Bovril scented enclosure surrounded by a heavy police presence and snarling Alsations and didn't really manage to succeed in either endeavour.

 
From General Discussion / Overly Effusive Football Chants
Posted 2 Dec 12 15:23
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Here's one I heard earlier.....

"And it's MK Dons......MK Dons FC! You're by far the greatest team, the world has ever seen!"

So that's that settled then.

Next!

 
From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 2 Dec 12 11:31
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BBC 2 1.30pm

Snooker: The UK Championship.

"They're spread wide across the table! It's an impossible position! He's going for a deep screw! He's gripping it halfway down the shaft! You can see the protruding butt! Just look at those balls!!!"

Shouldn't be allowed!

 
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