Discussion Forum

WHAT'S ALL THIS SHOUTING?.........etc.

Awwwww come on QM, dont be like that. Twas just a little cockney mischief, born from the somewhat "Disgusted Of Mayfair" aspect of this rather fraught little thread, and in truth I genuinely didn't think that the stricken spoof concerned met with your usual excellent satirical standards. Just look upon my somewhat harsh critique as a spur, a benign and friendly nudge that will enthuse you and drive you to reach your former lofty comedic heights.

I'm a giver at the end of the day Queenie. A giver!

As a very wise man once remarked "Don't judge me lest ye be judged" and as another man, perhaps not quite so wise, also declared......THAT'S MY FINAL WORD ON THIS ONE!

Cliveypops Dee
Head Of Racial Intolerance
Satire Safe House
Dorking.

PS. I'm not the one-thumb tosser whom you seek with such ardent diligence, so I'm afraid your noble quest, rather sadly, must continue. Good luck

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Quote: Erskin Quint

Herring, erring, rearing, runs into Nazi Goring.

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Gash noshing icon ruins ruby's eager hymen.

You see my extremely tedious friend. Some of us can do these backwards

Let the defiant retaliatory acronyms commence.

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Quote: Skoob1999

Churchy - you've got some slather on your shirt, mate. Be a good chap and wipe it off. By Lord Harry! You can't move in here tonight! Inchy! Mine's a pint chum! Now then - where were we...

Oh yes!

Seasons Greetings all!

Festive regards,

Skoob.

Oy! Stop copying and pasting our smoke signals you
cad!

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^^^^^^^ cyber bully, naked altar boy to St Francis Of Duboissey and arch malingerer who always seems to have "a bit of a cold coming on" when it's time to empty the receptacle in the vomiting bay.

Oh yes!

Good Eve.

I'd like if I may to recount a strange and rather wondrous tale of an adventure that befell myself and a small but perfectly deformed number of your fellow Sp**feteers a short while ago, which hopefully will explain our rather sudden, alarming disappearance from the scene.

It was on December 6 2012 in this year of Our Lord that a doughty band of folding, vomiting and bar raising pioneers set sail in the sturdy little slathering sloop, HMS Pinxit, in search of the fabled Coal Hole Grail, which is reputed to be the pint mug from which Ellis drank at The Last Slather just before he was arrested and crucified for bumming without due care and attention.

Unfortunately just as we rounded the treacherous Cape Of Dear Spoof we were blown onto a reef and wrecked by a gust of hot air from Hurricane Mabel just before she made landfall at Inchcock County on the eastern seaboard of Nottingham.

By sheer good fortune 13 souls managed to struggle onto the beach at The Isle Of SSHite, part of the idyllic Acronomy Islands archepelago, where we have been ever since really.

We spend our days arguing, plagiarising each others work and drinking from the various lager fountains that dot the island in between trying to ingratiate ourselves with the dusky, bare-breasted lovelies of the warlike SSHite Tribe who occasionally come down from the hills to give us succour, and any other services we can afford to pay for.

We have also spent some of our time constructing a tiny, rudimentary settlement which we have dubbed Port Lyntypops, consisting of a small nite club "Juanita's Joint" ably stewarded by an oriental member of the caring profession and her 90 year old, ex Bolivian military pantyhose wallah. Our small ad hoc hamlet also boasts a fully functional vomiting bay made entirely from our pubic hair, and a Roman Catholic cathedral, built from driftwood, which we have dubbed "The Church Of Our Lady Of Duboissey" where our lone American fellow castaway "Saint" Francis Of West Virginny spends his Saturday nights at his devotions, pausing momentarily to fire his Saturday Night Special into the ceiling and to urinate in the font. Sadly the place has recently become infested by a small Churchmouse which annoys worshippers by raiding the communion wine cellar and constantly boasting about it's personal wealth and exotic harem of Bavarian totty.

We have taken measures towards effecting our rescue by building a signal fire atop the highest point on the island, Mount Skoob, where we take it in turns to send smoke signals to any passing shipping. Unfortunately a renegade member of our band, the vile compo cheat, and notorious heterosexual, Toe, keeps copying and pasting our smoke before taking it to the other side of the island and making our signals much better and even funnier.

So you see my friends, it is for the reasons above that we are no longer amongst you and has absolutely nothing to do with your ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation or indeed your lack of acronymical dexterity on that true doyen of forum threads. Oh dear me no. That's right out that is!

So let me close by wishing all my dear friends on The Sp**f a very merry Xmas and a happy and above all, a healthy new year.

Love and (((((((HUGZZZ))))))))) from all on The Isle Of SSHite.

Having a wonderful time, wish you were here..................................I expect.

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Quote: Monkey Woods

I opened on this thread because I thought you were referring to the band of the same name, which would have been such an incredible coincidence, as I have been playing their back catalogue for a fortnight now.

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Let that be a salutory and hard learned lesson to you then Mr Woods. Surely you've born witness to my output long enough to know that it's a constant source of bitter disappointment

No twas merely a little affectionate dig at the four sparkling heroes who dubbed me a racist and rather bravely went behind my Caucasian back and told the editor in chief of my infamy.

The gentle xenophobic gag at the end was an afterthought and all my own work, in case anybody wishes to consider leagal redress.

*puffs contentedly on pipe and buries nose in The General Principles Of English Law by Reg Kray*

The Gang of Four (simplified Chinese: ???; traditional Chinese: ???; pinyin: Sìrén b?ng) was the name given to a political faction composed of four Chinese Communist Party officials. They came to prominence during the Cultural Revolution (1966-76) and were subsequently charged with a series of treasonous crimes. The members consisted of Mao Zedong's last wife Jiang Qing, the leading figure of the group, and her close associates Zhang Chunqiao, Yao Wenyuan, and Wang Hongwen.

Source Wiki.

The little rascals eh folks? No wonder old Chairman Mao slung em all in chokey. Tsk.

A mate of mine was a Chinese dissident you know? I went to visit him in the nick once. Trouble was, half an hour later I wanted to visit him again.

Absolutely true that is, a geezer down the takeaway told me.

That was my little swansong gag btw. See what I just did there?

^^^^^^ you little beauty! You've just won me 30 smackers from my fellow Coal Hole Firm members son.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Spoof

I ran over a Jewish geezer in Whitechapel High Street earlier. I've jumped out the motor and stuck a pillow under his nut before covering him with a traveling rug.

"Are you comfortable my son?" I asked him, my face etched with concern.

"Oi vay" he moaned "I make a living"

That's all folks. No really!.

CRY HAVOC AND RELEASE THE ACRONOMISTS OF YORE!

Clivey Dee
On The Sofa With A Lovely Mug Of Splosh And His Noddy And Big Ears Slippers On.

Dear Spoof

Amen To That My Brother

^^^^^^ Godamn colonial s.o.b. (can I say "colonial"?) , flying in the face of thread convention by omitting "Dear Spoof" from message there.

Dear Spoof

Is it just me or is it a little cold in here?

Firstly I'd like to thank all the kind folks who sent me their support, both on the forums and via electronic mail etc. It was both heartening and humbling so thank you.

Secondly I'm not going to waste my time defending my position, vis a vis my alleged outbreak of rabid racism, as some of you have already done so in far more eloquent fashion than I ever could.

Suffice to say that I thought, mistakenly as it's turned out, that by lampooning the very type of individual I despise, my anti racist stance would come across all the more vehemently. If I offended anyone with my rather colourful choice of language in so doing then I offer my sincere apologies.

Finally, and just to add colour to my opinion on those who castigate and deride their fellow human beings, who happen to have a different colour skin to themselves or who worship a different God, my father, an active trades unionist, was imprisoned and beaten in a Johannesburg police station for championing the rights of black mineworkers during the dark days of Apartheid.

I learned all I needed to know about the stinking cancer of racial intolerance at his knee.

Now before I mosey off into the setting London smog my fiends, (sp)?, I should like to remind you all that there's still a compo to be entered and won, and furthermore, now that I'm no longer on the scene the way is open for one of you to piss all over all the other writers and win by an absolute country mile, so in the words of the immortal Brucie......KEEEEEEEEP SPOOFING!

x

Cliveypops
Moving purposefully away from the tent
Alabamee

Dear Spoof

I'm just stepping outside gentlemen.

I may be some time.

x

Clive Danton
The Eagle's Nest
Wapping

Here's one I heard earlier on the talking radio machine.

Apparently 6 children of school age have been arrested every day in the United Kingdom for a number of serious criminal offences in the past year, including, gun crime, assault, robbery and drug dealing.

Well I for one will be having strong words with my 11 year old son this evening. As for his 5 mates, there's not much I can do about them really.

Are you aware of any worrying statistics folks? eh?......eh?......EH?????

There you are you see chaps and chaperinas. Proof positive that not every horny-handed, mechanically adept son of the East End is a dyed in the wool, swivel-eyed member of the British National Party.

My largesse towards the ethnic community knows no bounds to be fair and extends from the vile beery Australasian of convict stock, right down to the hyper inflation bedeviled Zimbabwean Zulu warrior.

I'm particularly fond of the boys down at the China Garden Cantonese Takeaway as it goes folks. Mind you they are all born and bred in Stepney Green

^^^^^^^^ Fine example of over effusiveness in The Midlands from the son of Finbar there.

On away trips we used to sing in our customary friendly East London manner:

"West 'am boys we are 'ere wo-oh, wo-oh. West 'am boys we are 'ere, **** your women and drink your beer. Wooooooooo-ooooooh

Unfortunately we were usually penned into some piss and Bovril scented enclosure surrounded by a heavy police presence and snarling Alsations and didn't really manage to succeed in either endeavour.

Here's one I heard earlier.....

"And it's MK Dons......MK Dons FC! You're by far the greatest team, the world has ever seen!"

So that's that settled then.

Next!

BBC 2 1.30pm

Snooker: The UK Championship.

"They're spread wide across the table! It's an impossible position! He's going for a deep screw! He's gripping it halfway down the shaft! You can see the protruding butt! Just look at those balls!!!"

Shouldn't be allowed!

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Quote: armfeetandtoe

Pretty lame performance from Tyson this evening. My Nan could have put on better show. Dont think he is ready to meet Klichko yet. Shame.



Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Steady on old fruit! I think you're being extremely harsh and overly judgmental on this one dear boy.

I reckon Fury would give Mrs Klitschko at least a couple of problems in the early rounds before she retired on her stool in the 6th to get Vladimir's tea ready.

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Quote: churchmouse

I liked that Clive.

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Thanks Gazza. You're my friend too and I'll thank you to remember that when you open your mighty "Wallet Of Plenty" on the 15th so that you can keep me supplied with fizzy lager and powerful grog chasers until I tell you to stop.

I Agree

James is in his late 30s I think, although it's hard to tell as he has a youthful, open face, smooth and unlined. He stands around 6' tall and is broad shouldered and powerful, although with a rapidly growing paunch, due mainly to the vast quantities of junk he eagerly shovels into his face.

James is a good mechanic I guess. Diligent and meticulous rather than brilliant. He works with a kind of resigned fervour, muttering a constant string of profanities as he plods along.

James doesn't like it one bit if you ask to borrow one of his tools. They're his beloved, cosseted children and if you ask to hold one for a while he says "For fuck's sake"

James likes girls and has an easy charm in their company which, coupled with his good looks, means they like him also.

James doesn't have a girlfriend because he thinks they are all after his money so about once a month he pays a pretty lady in her 30s to sleep with him.

James lives with his mother, a large and stupidly pretty lady in her early 60s and it's one of my greatest pleasures to be invited round for dinner when she cooks me roast lamb with herbs, kisses my cheek noisily and calls me "a lovely boy"

James has a serious liver disorder and sometimes he gets sick and has to go to hospital. I visit him there and eat his fruit while he points at the pretty girls seated at the nurses station and says to me gravely. "You see them Clivey? They all want me mate. They all of them want me"

James is a gentle soul, friendly but quiet. People know when not to push him too far though. They just do.

James neither drinks nor smokes but he never judges me and sometimes gives me a bottle of rum as a gift.

James doesn't like sport much and his eyes glaze over if I start expounding the delights of a West Ham victory.

James would stand alongside me if there were any trouble as I would stand alongside him.

James was brought to this country from St Vincent in The Carribbean when he was very young.

James has skin so black that when he sweats up I check my appearance in his face.

James calls me a "white nigger" and I call him "Sambo" and a "big belly black bitch"

James at work is my friend and I'm proud of that.

Everybody running around Africa hacking each other with machetes???

Blimey did I really say that???

Jesus Christ let me write an immediate and sincere retraction.

I Cliveypops being of almost sound mind would like to emphasise in the strongest possible terms that some people that live in Africa remain absolutely machete wound free and in point of fact have never even cut their finger on blade of maize grass.

Having said that however, I did have a good mate at work named Frank who fled war torn Uganda during the despotic reign of General Idi Amin who once banged his head on an oil sump after standing up a bit too quick in the inspection pit.

*lights pipe and begins to browse through "Holidays In Sub Saharan Africa" brochure*

Hmmmmm Ivory Coast looks nice......so does The Democratic Republic Of The Congo.......I'm a bit torn between that and The Sudan really........Oh 'ang on!!!

Jilly! How do you fancy a fortnight's full board at The Hotel Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda this year love?"

Fuck's sake!

Talking of Africans, what with this Aids epidemic that's sweeping the continent and the fact they seem to spend rather a lot of their spare time hacking each other to bits with knives, do you ever think there'll come a time when there's only one rather emaciated geezer left, with a dripping machete in his hand?

Food for thought and no error my friends

Still you dont like to grumble do yers?

Went down well this thread didn't it folks?

Just heard a spokeswoman for The Aids Foundation reveal on the radio that thousands of HIV riddled Africans are "completely unaware of their status"

Well I'd have thought they'd have far more to worry about than nipping onto Facebook to tell their friends that they're just diving into the bog for a shit really, wouldn't you?

Heartless and unnecessary!

Nothing Else Matters - Apocalyptica.

Thank You x

A pretty girl sent me this the other day and I found it rather beautiful.

"What do you think Clivey?" she asked

"I think you have the prettiest green eyes I ever saw" I replied.

A hospital spokesperson described my condition last night as "Quids in"

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Quote: Simon Saunders

Just read the Flintoff story Clive.

Had me chuckling. Loved the pic and caption.

Simon

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A compo winner if ever I saw one Simon