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From News Discussion / Obama Slams Brits Again: Ties Mushy Peas to Distasteful Debt Ceiling Debate!
Posted 19 Jul 11 21:14
Message
Last night I had a can of green peas

Because we just ran out of Heinz beans

Come on, come on, come on, come on

Peas peas me oh yeah like I pees you

 
From General Discussion / Pure genius
Posted 19 Jul 11 20:58
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Thanks Morse. I do have goats cheese. By the way, you are a little bit dotty, and dash and dot and dash -. -& --- .. - .--- .

 
From General Discussion / Pure genius
Posted 19 Jul 11 20:27
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I have to say PM, I'm tempted. If nothing better comes along I'll let you know.

What are you like with goats?

 
From General Discussion / Pure genius
Posted 19 Jul 11 17:31
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I have had a eureka moment. As I type very slowly and you people type very fast I've come up with a cunning plan.

One of you will have to come and live with me.

You will be my assistant. It will be your job to type up everything I say, exactly as I say it but in your own words so that it's funny.

I will be willing to pay the princely sum of one shilling a week. I will also throw in one meal a day. When you're not attending to my genius you will be expected to perform normal household chores. On occasion you will also be asked to hold the goat steady.

Eventually I will be rich and famous and you will have the honour of saying that you worked for me. Everybody wins.

This is a flawless plan as far as I see it.

In line with my commitment to equal opportunities only good looking women with large breasts need apply


 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia scandal. Day two
Posted 18 Jul 11 22:04
Message
Thank you people. I will give it some ponderment. That's not a real word by the way, I just like using it.

Did anybody get the gag about bleeping out the wrong words? Perhaps it's not a visual thing.

I really do appreciate all your feedback, thank you again.


 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia scandal. Day two
Posted 18 Jul 11 14:49
Message
OK guys, should this be the end or does it need an ending? You're the experts, what do you think?

I'm not fishing for complements. I just need to know. I'll go with ever you think.


 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 18 Jul 11 12:55
Message

Quote: P.M. Wortham

Nicely done, eh? Keep 'em coming.
PM


Thanks dog. I'm glad you didn't find it too "cheesy"

 
From General Discussion / Today was Ice Cream Day!
Posted 18 Jul 11 07:11
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I would go for wookie flavour; trouble is it may be a little chewy

 
From Magazine Discussion / Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Narwhal's Tusk Scrimshaw, Part Five
Posted 18 Jul 11 07:05
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Quote: Erskin Quint


I've created a bit of a Frankenstein's monster here though. The next part is overdue.

Yes Mr Quint. You have indeed created a monster. It now falls incumbent on you to supply for the demand. Yes I know, it's a shit job but someone has to do it. A big 5* from me

 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 22:24
Message

Quote: IainB

I get the feeling that to Landfill Tawny there are no outsiders, only people who've not been 'introduced to Reverend Nonce' yet.

Iain


The Reverend Nonce is the vicar at The Church of St Tracy in Schit Street. As you probably already know St Tracy is the patron saint of unmarried mothers.

 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 22:17
Message

Quote: Rebel Not Taken


does it take stories from 'outsiders'?


Yes Rebel, Essex doggers sounds good to me. Perhaps at the Slurry Bottom Park and Ride, just an idea.

 
From General Discussion / Just Ignore Me
Posted 17 Jul 11 21:45
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Quote: Skoob1999


Ignore me


Who said that? Oh no the voices are back. No mother; I don't want to kill him..........................

 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 21:18
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The praise remains.

Iain


In that case Sir I will humbly accept and hope that any future scribblings don't disappoint.

Now, can I have my droid back?


 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 20:58
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Quote: IainB

I've invented a person, but never an entire town. Hats off to you, for you are indeed the master.


Sorry Ian but before I can accept your praise I have to admit that I didn't actually invent Landfill Tawny. It's a real place called Basildon. I just renamed it. Believe me; just spending one day in Basildon would give you enough material to last a lifetime.



 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 20:31
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Quote: Lynton

There you go Les - LT will be as famous as Royston Vasey before you've finished.

Now who inhabits this place and what do they get up to? Worm farming? Feline topiary?


We have an old man who survived the Titanic called Bob Upndown

 
From Magazine Discussion / England voted best country in the world
Posted 17 Jul 11 20:28
Message

Quote: Ellie James

Funny.....And, you forgot the obvious. You guys invented irony. Allegedly.


Oh yes I did forgrt. We invented Irony, and for women the iron.

No go and make a web page xx


 
From Magazine Discussion / England voted best country in the world
Posted 17 Jul 11 20:06
Message
This one had sat in the censor's tray all weekend. I never thought it would make it. Maybe a bit too xenophobic.

I wrote it after getting back from the discotheque. When they played the jive I jived, then they played a bit of rock and I rocked. It was all going so well until they played "Come on Eileen".

 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 17:54
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint

I've seen the website from whence this dark miasma has swirled its poisonous way.

Brilliant. Funny and disturbing. 5*

Worthy of a bigger audience. Have you tried selling it in Brogdingnag?


Mr Quint, a kind comment as always sir. I kneel before the master

 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 14:22
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Thank you Ellie. You are far too kind

 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 13:22
Message
Cheers Scoob, I did put one in about England getting voted number one country in the world. It never made it through. Perhaps it was a bit near the mark.

 
From News Discussion / Essex euthanasia clinic investigated
Posted 17 Jul 11 11:44
Message
I like the idea of a UK euthanasia centre. So much so that I invented the Moonfruit clinic. I even built a webpage for it and am pleased to say that it manages to get regular visitors through Google.

According to Google, Landfill Tawny is a real place and not just a figment of my imagination. As are The Essex Herald and Landfill Tawny Echo. It would be funny if someone looked up the Moonfruit clinic and found it had a real looking website.

Please feel free to use any of these if a story of yours so requires.

 
From Magazine Discussion / The world is not as old as we thought
Posted 16 Jul 11 18:45
Message

I want to hear more about Landfill Tawney - you should run it regularly on here. Shame we can't have the pics but I'm sure there are plenty of characters there and happenings worth a few hundred words.

I will give it a go. Landfill Tawny is full of nutters.

 
From Magazine Discussion / What went on in Home Ec?
Posted 16 Jul 11 16:26
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why it is bad news to be a haemophiliac and a woman


A classic, 5* from me

 
From General Discussion / Pink Floyd
Posted 16 Jul 11 15:56
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LB,

In the well articulated words of Dudley Moore from the original "Arthur", "You're a hedge!"

Your satire always sits higher.


Warmest possible regards from the cheese state,
PM



PM,

For you I will try to brie funny, or at least give it edam good go.

Regards form England. The hacking state


 
From General Discussion / Rupert Murdoch
Posted 16 Jul 11 13:15
Message
If I can be serious for a moment, and I'm sure I can if I put my mind to it. I am a little worried about this whole Rupert Murdoch thing.

Wrapped up in this hacking furore are MP's who perhaps see a chance to get back at the British press for exposing the expenses scandal.

They are talking about changing the rules that govern the press. By how much we have yet to see. I know that if I were in government I would be using this golden opportunity to bring the press to heal.

I'm not saying that we are going to end up like China but it is a gradual process.

I wonder what George Orwell would make of this. Are we sleepwalking into 1984?


 
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