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From General Discussion / New to The Spoof
Posted 1 Apr 12 20:56

What's happened to Danny?

Has he gone?

Have you bastards frightened him away the way that you normally do ?

He was my only friend here you know.

We were like brothers, me and Donald... Well, more like partners in a wet fish wholesalers... But even so, the strong bonding that bound us together has now been shattered... And all because you couldn't help but take the piss, could you?

Poor Donny. I don't know if I can continue without him.

We were going to have a full roast dinner you know.

I'd done it especially.

Yorkshire puddings and everything. And now it's just me alone again with a KFC bargain bucket and my memories.

Bastards the lot of you.

I'll have to stalk someone else now.

From Magazine Discussion / The Mystery Of Puddleby Cove - Featuring The Spiffing Six - Episode Seven
Posted 29 Mar 12 15:29

I agree with Lynton on this. The odd little Enid Blyton in -joke here and there and some editing and it would be very commercial.

I think that it has a great deal of promise, and you should have a play around with it.

Don't be afraid to chop chunks out, and re-write sections.

It's also good to see a different genre on the site now and again.


From Magazine Discussion / How to Fly a Light Aircraft
Posted 27 Mar 12 07:17
Thanks very much chaps.

Have had problems with my 'pooter' even though I've tried the 'using a kettle of water to increase the internal steam pressure' process to fix it, so haven't been on the site for a week.

Very humbled by all of your kind words.

Thanks again.

From General Discussion / Aaarrrrrghhhh!
Posted 8 Mar 12 18:30

The reason that you don't see Earl Grey about much nowadays is because everything converted from black and white to colour at the end of the 60's.

During the 70s he was known as Earl Shocking Orange or hideous Brown.

In the 80s he became Earl Dark Pinstripe aka 'Big-bang, Greed is good ' etc.

The nineties saw a brief resume' to Earl Grey and Black aka Gary Linniker's wardrobe.

Since The Naughties he has of course generally been know as Earl Darjeeling.

From General Discussion / Aaarrrrrghhhh!
Posted 7 Mar 12 20:19

Get down to your local Leader Price or Intermarche and grab a box of Earl Grey. There's just enough tea in them to brew a reasonable cup before the thing goes cold.

From General Discussion / Your Last Text Message
Posted 6 Mar 12 19:30

Not so much a text message, but I once came home from work to find that my ex had left me a note on the table which read:

Gone to the lunatic asylum.

Your dinner is all over my tits.

From Magazine Discussion / Gracie Fields - Her part in my war
Posted 6 Mar 12 19:25

Nothing wrong with writing like Milligan. This could have come from his pen.

Good stuff Arm.

I liked it immensely.

From Magazine Discussion / The Mystery Of Puddleby Cove - Featuring The Spiffing Six - Episode Five
Posted 4 Mar 12 22:15
Lovely stuff Skoob.

Beautifully skewered observations.

I love reading these. It's like sharing a large bath of warm custard with the woman who works on the paint mixing counter at the local DIY store. (The one with the nice bum, not the one with the squint)

Keep 'em rolling in. - The stories, not the girls on the paint mixing counter... Although possibly both would be acceptable.

5 from me.

From General Discussion / New Spoof Dicto
Posted 2 Mar 12 22:40
I noticed that the last Spoof Dictionary thread is now locked, so I thought that I'd start a new one. (don't get out much you see)

So here goes:

Golden Jade to do one

To inadvertently socially elevate oneself due to an act of public derogation; as in performing fellatio with someone on national TV whilst being too dim to realise that it's being filmed.

See also: My life as a Southend Gold-digger by Dame Ellingham Buller-Smith: "I thought that the most I could have hoped for during the Ambassador's soiree at Westcliffe was a return invitation, but after letting his son tie me to the AGA with the Duchess of Northumberland, I found that within 2 weeks I was offered the role of choreographer of the Royal Bedchamber.
That culinary appliance shackling incident truly turned out to be a Golden Jade moment for me".

From General Discussion / My Great-Grandfather
Posted 12 Feb 12 08:31

My Great Grandfather was also a pilot, and it's known that he shot down at least three enemy aircraft over London.

He never spoke about it, but was obviously a very brave man to put his life on the line for his country.

I've got a photo of his Fokker-Wulf somewhere.

And I know I said Fokker.

From Magazine Discussion / The Mystery Of Puddleby Cove - Featuring The Spiffing Six - Episode Two
Posted 10 Feb 12 21:23

Grind 'em out Skoob.

You've got something there.

And if writing good stuff such as this was easy then everyone would be doing it.

Keep them coming.

From General Discussion / Tupperware
Posted 7 Feb 12 20:40
Ah, Alf Tupper, Britain's cartoon featured athlete. I seem to remember that he had a strict training regime involving the consumption of fish and chips.
All ripping stuff, and obviously inspired all those young Brits to go out there and conquer the world.

Not quite sure what went wrong.

Anyway, Tupperware is actually a stiff plastic material used in the manufacture of underwear.

Not very comfortable, but it does keep everything nice and fresh.

From General Discussion / Bugger Bugger Bugger!!!!!!!!
Posted 6 Feb 12 11:49

There will be a thermostat on the tank to regulate the temperature.

Assuming that it's a common make, there should be a plastic cover on the bottom of it, normally held on by 3 screws. - remove the cover, and you should see a round plastic fitting about 2" in diameter. (This is the arse-end of the thermostat. In the middle of it there will be a small flimsy looking plastic slotted screw - this is the stat setting screw.

When the chaffe-eaus are delivered they tend to be at max setting and a lot of the time the installer doesn't bother to adjust them. Turn the plastic screw slightly ( say 30 degrees) and your water should run at a cooler setting in a few hours

If the bottom of it doesn't look like the above, take a photo of it and send it to me as a jpeg to an email and I'll tell you how to adjust it.


From General Discussion / Bugger Bugger Bugger!!!!!!!!
Posted 6 Feb 12 08:25


The thing under your hot water tank is a 'group de securitie'.

As French heating tanks are mains fed sealed units, every time your water heats up there will be up to 3% expansion of the water inside it. The group de securite opens to allow the excess to escape rather than splitting the tank. This is quite normal and the excess will expel to a drain pipe.

There is a way to prevent this leakage happening by fitting a 'vase de expansion sanitaire' between the groupe de securite and the hot water tank inlet.

Your plumber will know what it it, and it's a fairly simple job to do.

Still a foot of snow here in the Charante.

From General Discussion / Is the snow bothering you at all?
Posted 5 Feb 12 14:20

Minus 8 plus the wind chill factor here.

Getting close to a foot of snow, and nothing moving on the roads.

Currently 5 dead in France due to the cold.

Can't go anywhere, so anyone who's heating has packed up has to burn their furniture until driving conditions improve and I can get to them.

Such an unusual thing to find that I can't do anything that I'm looking for things to do. Probably end up fiddling with Madame Churchmouse unless I can figure out how the TV works.

From Magazine Discussion / The Mystery Of Puddleby Cove - Featuring The Spiffing Six - Episode One
Posted 4 Feb 12 16:21

Quite, quite splendid.

Humorous, beautifully written, and with nicely observed touches.

Absolutely top hole.

Five from me, and worth every shiny silver sixpence a boy could ever have received from a slightly dodgy neighbour who claimed to be an uncle of some sort.

From General Discussion / Latest Offers
Posted 31 Jan 12 22:18

Direct from Tarquin's water farm.

All hand dried and freshly oiled.

45 guineas a gross.

Free water vole with every repeat order.

From General Discussion / Conspiracy therores: True or False?
Posted 30 Jan 12 20:14

Conspiracy theories are all true.

In that they are theories that exist, rather than things which don't exist which is why we have heard of them.

Conspiracy theories that don't exist (virtual conspiracy theories) haven't been thought of yet, but when someone, somewhere does think up one it automatically becomes a true theory rather than a thought that hasn't happened.

Pint please Audrey.

And some crisps for the dog.

From Magazine Discussion / Elvis Presley - You were always on my mind
Posted 28 Jan 12 19:58

Thanks very much chaps.

I think that there is some very stiff opposition.

The submissions for this comp appear to be of an even higher standard than for the last one.

There are some wonderful articles being sent in and I look forward to reading through the lot when they are all in.

From Magazine Discussion / "Vampire Diaries Gothic Romance" - Starring Lady Sybilla & Alf Starling - With Ian Somerhalder & Robert Pattinson
Posted 28 Jan 12 14:42

A work of art indeed.

And I expect that a great deal of work went into it.

Classic CJ

From News Discussion / Lady Gaga "My Bad Romance With A Homeless Brit Vagrant"
Posted 28 Jan 12 12:20

Very, very funny indeed.

excellent stuff.

From News Discussion / "The Sound of Plumbing" reaches number one
Posted 28 Jan 12 11:06

5 from me.

As a self-employed heating engineer I loved this.

We're all mis-understood you know.

800 euros for a boiler change is cheap.

Really it is!

We have tax to pay, and diesel for the van, and designer knee pads to buy and everything.

Free quotes on demand, and something knocked-off for cash.

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Jan 12 19:54
Dear Spoof,

Re-experience your life during your mid-teens once more by only speaking to members of the opposite sex in monosyllables and telling all of your mates what your wife/girlfriend does in bed and whenever possible act like a complete knob.

For added realism, try smearing lard onto your face to induce chronic acne.

Jeremy Clarkson.

From News Discussion / Facebook Launches Semaphore Version
Posted 18 Jan 12 17:37

Stop moaning about being in the science and technology section. At least you have some more people to talk to in there.

I ended up in the business section, which was great before the recession, but once the crunch came everyone here got laid off.

The only reason I survived was because I happened to be in the toilet studying page three of the Financial Times.

Did I say Financial Times? *Blush* I actually meant 'Alluring Badger Monthly'.

From General Discussion / Was General Custer wrong to camp at Little Big Horn?
Posted 10 Jan 12 20:31
It's well known that General Custer camped at Little Big Horn because of its excellent Shower and toilet facilities.

His adjutant had suggested that they stop at a nearby Haven caravan site instead, but Custer with his heightened vanity insisted on Little Big Horn where there was not only complimentary hair dryers, but also a manicurist and a reflexologist.

Of course had he stopped at the 'Vomiting Dog' Haven caravan site the resulting battle could have been turned in his favour due to the abundant supplies of Gatling guns and furry gonks normally stocked at such places.

Bernard Law Montgomery

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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