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From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 8 May 12 19:54
Message


The bloody milkman hasn't turned up today (typical imperialist lackey) so I had to go down to the collective farm for a jug of milk. When I got there they told me that it was my turn to shovel the shit out of the pig pens.

I'm honoured that I've helped to move our country forward by shovelling shit for 15 hours.


Long live the revolution.




 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 8 May 12 19:51
Message


Comrade-Sister-Madame Churchmouse pointed out that the milkman is self-employed and therefore a filthy capitalist pig.

We ambushed him yesterday morning and fire-bombed his milk float.

That'll teach him.



Shoelace workers of the world untie.




 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 8 May 12 19:48
Message




I was at a bit of a loose end, so I thought that I'd try communism for a month.

As such, I've moved into a badly built concrete flat, and have taken a job painting patriotic slogans on the wall of the local tractor factory.

Marching together for the glorious Motherland.




 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 7 May 12 18:08
Message
Right then, let's have another go at posting a link

*Frowns and sticks tongue out of the side of mouth*

2nd pathetic attempt at a link

Bloody 'ell it worked.



 
From General Discussion / Epitaph
Posted 7 May 12 14:36
Message


It was only a joke.

I'm feeling better now...Honestly.

 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 6 May 12 21:16
Message



just wanted to see if I could post a linkBenny Hill

Don't think it works.

Stick the kettle on Arm.

 
From General Discussion / Let's Forget About Acronyms
Posted 5 May 12 19:44
Message


Dustbin Dance.

That's more like it. It's the sort of thing that makes it all worthwhile, and much better than arguing about something that very few of the sites readers probably look at anyway.

More Milligan type madness please.




 
From General Discussion / It's Cup Final Day! Huzzah! Huzzah!....No Honest. It is!!!
Posted 5 May 12 12:13
Message
Well, there I was, all ready for the pre-match build-up.


The coffee table groaning with sausage rolls, twiglets and Golden Wonder crisps.
A crate of pale ale at my side, and a party 4 sitting on the sideboard.

I've got my bobble-hat, my wooden rattle, and a rosette pinned to my parka.


There's even a packet of 20 sporting woodbines and a 'World's best football supporter' ashtray from the pound shop.


I switch on the telly, hoping for some in-depth analysis from Jimmy Hill, and maybe some hilarious comic quips from Jimmy Tarbuck, and what do we get? A couple of women wittering on about a new type of blending machine!


Honestly, I don't know why we bother with the shopping channel!

 
From Magazine Discussion / The Religious Slot - God's Factory
Posted 4 May 12 15:59
Message


Me too.

Nice to have you here Tammy.



 
From General Discussion / Alphabet Story
Posted 4 May 12 15:48
Message

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



I really hope that was deliberate Jean, as it's the only thing that's made me laugh all day.






 
From General Discussion / Sir Patrick Moore
Posted 28 Apr 12 20:41
Message

It's actually more like a bus stop.

Or a bus shelter to be more accurate.

Only with more glass in it.




 
From Magazine Discussion / The Hunting Act - Eight Years On (An Undercover Report)
Posted 27 Apr 12 22:04
Message

I agree with Lynton.


Very, very good indeed.

5*

 
From Magazine Discussion / Copy of my letter wot I wrote and sent to David Cameron
Posted 25 Apr 12 20:57
Message

I understand the venom Inchy.

5

 
From General Discussion / The Confessional with Farder O'Arm
Posted 24 Apr 12 18:19
Message


I've got a pointy stick, and half a brick that I picked up at one of Sarkozy's rallies if it helps.






 
From News Discussion / Local Man Infuriated As He Gets Both Barrels From All Directions
Posted 22 Apr 12 13:59
Message


A terrible thing fame, eh Skoob?

I had the same thing when I was voted 'Best ex-pat Heating Engineer of the year' (Confolens town centre and outskirts)

People would point at me in the street and call out; "How's yer ballcock" and "You can come round and warm me up anytime, you daft, English van-driving tosser".

I think that the worst thing was having to pat the babies and kiss the dogs all the time.




 
From General Discussion / The Confessional with Farder O'Arm
Posted 20 Apr 12 20:36
Message


Oh Farder, forgive me for I have sinned.

I came home early, an' went in to der bathroom, an me sister, she wers sitting there in der nud, an she had one leg up in der air cus she was shaving it wid a razor, an' well everything wuz dere in front of me eyes, an' I couldn't avert me eyes away from her.

"Well now Michael, before I hand down yer punishment for gazing upon the flesh of yer sister I'll need ter be asking yer something, an' yer must answer me truthfully, so help yer God... er, what's it look like"?




 
From General Discussion / The Confessional with Farder O'Arm
Posted 20 Apr 12 19:42
Message

Oh Farder. I'd hast ter ask yer. "Is dere any nuns in the area dat are about tree foot high"?

"No my son. I would be surely knowing if dat was der case. I can assures yer dat dere are no nuns dat short of stature around here".

"Oh Jesus Farder. I tink I've facked a penguin".

"Oh Mary, sweet mudder of God! If it wasn't for der fact dat yers given me a sermon fer Sunday dat I can use ter reinforse yer Catlick sense of guilt for the next twenty years I would a had ter a given yer 20 Hail Marys an' 40 Our Farders".








 
From General Discussion / Poet Laureate
Posted 17 Apr 12 16:38
Message


Bloody poets!

They should all be strapped to the front of howitzers and blasted into the scenery.

I mean, it's a piece of cake this poetry lark. Absolute piece of piss. anyone can do it.

Right, here we go. *sucks pencil and furrows brow*


There was a lady poet from Kew
Who did something unfortunate to her nether regions with adhesive
The problem you see
she said once to me
Is getting the bloody thing to rhyme properly, and to make the sentences the right length.


*backs out of room slowly*



 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 15 Apr 12 19:07
Message

Good Lord! What a generous chap Bentlyventures is to let us all in on a way to make money that can't be spent in Europe by playing some sort of game.

You would have thought that he must be a chum of long-standing, or at least someone who actually writes stuff on here.

How lucky we all are.

Such selfless generosity to complete strangers seems to be sadly lacking in today's society, although I do get quite a lot of letters from Nigerians I've never met wanting to put money into my bank account, which is nice.

I used to play games for money, but it generally involved squeezing myself into a rubber catsuit and doing unusual things for the crew of M.V. Klooper - one of the last steam ships to ply it's trade from Cardiff.

They still write.





 
From Magazine Discussion / 20 Different Management Styles Explained - with examples
Posted 15 Apr 12 11:00
Message

Oh Inchy!

How the truth must sting!

Describes every boss I've ever had the misfortune to work for.

Of course, any manager who reads this while they should be doing something productive will be incapable of actually taking it it.

Well deserved 5



 
From Magazine Discussion / Dorking remembers its second most famous resident
Posted 15 Apr 12 10:50
Message

I have a deep seated loathing of all poetry. Although this is possibly because of the large amount of pretentious wankers that seem to write it.

"Oh Tristan, it's so deep".

"Can you see the perspective from the point of view of the sub-hero in the second stanza, together with the subtle imagery of the lilac theme running through the odd numbered verses"?

Tossers, the lot of them.

This, however I liked.

Take no notice of CJ. The medication doesn't normally kick in until late afternoon.

And it also made me laugh.

And I gave it Five.

And welcome to the Spoof.

And I don't suppose you have a fuel filter for a Briggs & Stratton 4.5 hp lawn mower do you?

Only asking.

 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 14 Apr 12 21:35
Message

Dear Spoof,

I was laying in bed the other day, listening to Danton's missus witter on about the curtains, when it occurred to me that I hadn't seen my DVD of Great Railway Engines of India for a while.

If any of your readers come across it, would they please let me know.

I would ask the wife, but she's running an errand to the neighbours.

You would have thought that it could have walked there itself.

Jasper Mutley-owner
3 doors down.



 
From Magazine Discussion / George Formby. His part in my war
Posted 13 Apr 12 21:59
Message


Well, it made me laugh.

5

 
From Magazine Discussion / The Dorking Sentinel: More Letters To The Editor
Posted 13 Apr 12 12:50
Message

Oh Erskin, you little tinker you.

You do make a poor pig inseminater's daughter blush.


5



 
From News Discussion / 70% Of Dorking Cod Perish In Week One Of Hosepipe Ban
Posted 10 Apr 12 21:40
Message


Lovely.

Splendidly barking.

5*



 
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