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From General Discussion / A Song For Olive Denton
Posted 25 May 12 20:02
Message
Not sure if that's worked, so try this one:

2nd pathetic attempt at link

Oh bollocks!

 
From News Discussion / Final squad named for 2012 London Paralytics
Posted 25 May 12 19:37
Message


Who you calling pissed, yer bastard!

I'm perfectly capable of holding me drink. An' what's more I've never been so insulted in me life yer slobbering, folding, girl.

BLURHHH... Sorry 'bout that. It should come out alright once you've washed yer keks.

You want a drink?

Yer me bestest mate, you are.



 
From News Discussion / Final squad named for 2012 London Paralytics
Posted 25 May 12 18:45
Message

I agree with at least one of the above statements, but can't remember which one as I'm a bit pissed.


5 Worthingtons from me.




 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 25 May 12 12:28
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Dear Spoof,

DON'T YEW TALK ABAUT DAVE CLANTON LIKE WOT YEW JUS DID!
EE's AN ANGLE THAT MAN. AN IF E WANTS TER SPEND MORE TIME WIV E'S BRIDGETS E'S GOT EVREE RIGHT. I'M GOING TER FROW MESELF UNDER THE HERZSE WHEN IS BELOVE'D RING FINGER PASSES ME FRONT DOOR NEXT TUESDAY AS A MARK OF RESPEC'.
E WUS LIKE A BREFF OF FRESH AIR WHEN E CAME ERE. NOT A FULL LUNGFULL LIKE WOT OUR BELOVED JADE GOODY WUS WHEN SHE WAS NOSHING THAT BLOKE ON BIG BRUVVER, BUT BETTER THAN THAT FRENCH TOSSER AN'IS MATES. AN' IT'S ALL LIES ABAUT THAT DONKEY. YEW ASK THAT SHORT BLOND WOMAN WAT LOOKS AFTER IM AN IS 'AT.


Lady Gusset-Duckhams
The Old Manor House
Surbiton




 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 22 May 12 06:36
Message
^^^^^^^^^^


*Nurse - Mr Danton, Mr Danton... You're just coming round from the anaesthetic dear. How many fingers am I holding up?

CD - Alright. No need to take the piss.

*Doctor - C'mon man, get a grip.

CD - Christ! Not you as well.





 
From Magazine Discussion / The Quentin Kelp Column - Your elected member
Posted 21 May 12 19:09
Message

Yeah, I also enjoyed this one.

Good stuff Tammy.

 
From News Discussion / Bruce Forsyth Thought to be a Soviet Spy
Posted 21 May 12 18:00
Message
You're a lovely audience. Much better than last week. Gnerr, gnerr.


Thanks very much chaps, you are all most kind.


I will try to write something relating to the news one day. Or at least something with a title including the word cock, or X factor, or the name of a popular soap... Crossroads perhaps.


Really must buy a newspaper one day.



 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 17 May 12 07:41
Message
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Happy, enthusiastic, optimistic, cute, full of life.


You'd have to kill her. Or at least lock her in a dark room or something.





 
From Magazine Discussion / Private Message For Tim McInnerny, Omid Djalili & Samantha Bond OR a Lunatic's Ode To Joe Orton's What The Butler Saw
Posted 16 May 12 19:06
Message

I agree with both Ellis and Skoob.

A different approach to comedy writing, and possibly an acquired taste, but certainly needs to be read.

5*




 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 16 May 12 17:06
Message

Local Commissionaire tells me that problem at the power station caused by the switching on of an additional 40 watt light bulb in the goat licensing office during busy periods.

A 7 watt light bulb has been ordered to replace it, and should be here within a month or two.

Due to the inconvenience caused, our glorious leadership has decreed that each household will get an additional three cubic meters of gas to compensate.

The gas will be available from the district gasometer on Thursday. All householders to bring their own bucket.



The world looks on in envy at the proud buttocks of our native donkeys.




 
From Magazine Discussion / Announcements - Dorking Library Lectures 2012
Posted 13 May 12 18:07
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Yuk, yuk. Arf, arf.

Despite slightly wetting myself while reading it, I thought that it was very funny indeed.

At least 5.




 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 12 May 12 19:56
Message

Soap ration is only issued every other Wednesday, but if Comrade Danton would like to pop down to the tractor factory we can have a go with the sandblasting machine.


Olga (she of the fragrant headscarf and alluring felt boots) tells me that there is a problem with the local heroic sewage treatment works and so everyone has to bravely clench their sphincters until next Tuesday.


Our progress shows the world our superior vision.




 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 12 May 12 19:19
Message

Stiff upper lips gentlemen.


RAF pilot sketch




 
From General Discussion / World's Dumbest Criminals?
Posted 12 May 12 16:40
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Orlando does seem to have a number of very odd things living there.

I visited the place a few years ago and came across a five foot high mouse in a theme park.

Scared the hell out of me, I can tell you.




 
From General Discussion / World's Dumbest Criminals?
Posted 12 May 12 16:38
Message

Nice in-depth piece of reporting there.

The photo took up more room than the text.

Still as you say, perhaps it's not the most intelligent place on planet Earth.




 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 12 May 12 10:20
Message

Re the above^^^^^^^^^^

I too have a strong desire to watch the world's best football team play a side from some northern fishing village next Saturday.

Madame Churchmouse however has no conception of the importance of watching half a dozen goals being scored in what will undoubtedly be the finest display of sporting prowess since the 1985 FA cup final.

Should I watch said sporting event on the TV it will deprive my missus of viewing 'Somewhere in France there must be Talent' which would in turn mean that I won't get fed for a month for being a selfish bastard.

Therefore I have evolved a cunning plan... While she is watching some spotty Parisian trying to squeeze a tune out of a popular song, I will be on the computer watching the game via Sky-sports-streaming under the pretext that I'm doing some work. She will immediately assume that I'm downloading Malaysian pornography and when she storms in to see me watching the football will be so overcome with remorse that I can then take-over the TV while she drags a few crates of beer up from the cellar and gets busy with the bacon sandwiches in the kitchen.




 
From General Discussion / Special
Posted 12 May 12 07:18
Message

The kindness that your wife performed for the old lady was worth more than gold.

She is not responsible for the woman's death. that would of happened anyway. What she has done is allow the woman to pass away contentedly.

I'm sure that you are very proud of her, and I would wish that someone show me the same kindness when my time comes.

Although I live a couple of hours away from the sea so I'd probably peg it while we were traversing a roundabout or something, which would mean that the poor sod driving me would then have to spend some considerable time filling in forms and talking to paramedics.



 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 11 May 12 19:05
Message


District prostitute number 63 has told me that this Saturday night is the annual piglet greasing competition at the collective farm. Not only that but it's free beetroot juice for everyone who brings their own piglet. So it looks like it's going to be fun all the way.


Turnips for dinner again tonight.


Our powerful folk dancing strikes terror into the hearts of our enemies.







 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 10 May 12 20:04
Message

Oh Bollockskev!

Late for work at the tractor factory this morning due to the horse that tows the bus breaking down.

No chance of hitting my quota so won't get a disc of cheap metal on a colourful ribbon or a certificate in a Bakelite frame.

Still it did give me a chance to ogle the women working in the turnip fields while we waited for another horse to be issued from central casting.

Those head scarves...Those wooden clogs... Whey-heh!


Our glorious piano-accordion sits astride the world!




 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 10 May 12 19:23
Message

Glorious news Comrade Armski.

I will bring to the feast 3 herrings that I have been given as a workers bonus after badly welding together four tractors more than my normal quota.


There'll be dancing in the streets of Valavoskistalinroumazabad tonight.


Onto the sunlit uplands of our glittering future!





 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 9 May 12 19:37
Message


Much rejoicing in the village tonight as it's been announced that it's turnips for dinner again.

Also the bloke from the state garage tells me that I should get a new set of spark plugs for the Moskovich by mid November.



Death to the evil capitalist counter-revolutionaries!





 
From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 8 May 12 20:22
Message
 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 8 May 12 20:04
Message


It's the 'Miss Tractor Factory Worker' Competition today, and Comrade-sister-madame Churchmouse has dug out her sexiest boiler suit for the occasion, and has been practising heroic poses.

I hope she wins as the first prize is a loaf of bread and a pair of trousers, and the arse is hanging out of mine.

Still no sign of the milkman.


Advance over the twitching bodies of the capitalist scum.




 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 8 May 12 20:00
Message


Comrade-brother Branovich at the tractor factory was awarded the 'Order of the nut-tightener First class" today, which means that he gets an extra bottle of vodka on his daily ration. - The bastard!

Not only that but the bloody Wartburg broke down and I had to walk home.



Forward to prosperity!




 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 8 May 12 19:57
Message
Great new comrades!

It's our turn for the village bath-plug so we won't stink of pig shit any-more.


Our brave workers march triumphantly into the future.

 
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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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