Discussion Forum

Christ, what a bunch of tossers!

I've seen better insults bandied about in a junior-school 'support and teamwork' group.

Wankers the lot of you.





Apart from my special friend, who's merely a twat.

Dear Spoof,

With regard to Mr Saunders question on the size of raindrop required to kill someone, I can state categorically that the amount of water required would be 200 ltrs (Roughly 50 gallons for those not yet converted.)

The reason that I can state this with confidence, is that my late uncle Reg was killed outright buy that amount of water falling on him while he was purchasing a meat pie from a traveling fast food outlet one night outside of a high-rise block of flats in Stafford.

The precise measurement of the amount of water taken to kill him was due to it being contained in a 200ltr steel drum that was thrown from a 8th floor balcony.

Hope that this will ensure that both you and your hamster can continue your peaceful existence together.


Ronnie The Frog (Mrs)
Jesuslovesmeforasunbeam
Secure Unit #17
Rickmansworth.

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Quote: pinxit

Dear Spoof,

It's all kicking off in Dorking.

Trevor McManusDonald,
News-at-Ten

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That was quite wonderful. I haven't laughed so much since I was last sober.

I really must try harder to be more responsible.

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Quote: Fergus McCarthy

How long do we have to be nice to the newcomers for? I suppose what I'm trying to say is, is there a time limit, a good grace period and then the gloves are off or do we always have to be nice to them?

I need to know.... I've been watching Erskin Quint for a while now, he looks dodgy.

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I think that it's advisable to let everyone here know that I'm new here. In fact so new that all and sundry have an obligation to be incredibly nice to me.

I should also point out that I'll be very grateful for any spare money you might have. I'm also keen on holidays in Barbados, and I drink champagne... or bitter at a push.

Ta awfully.

Suppose I'd better say that you are all fab... You are all fab.

Blurrrrgh.

I'd like to state that I am in no way or form one of those disgusting, hideous gay sorts. Oh me no!

It's time to put the record straight (see that) and explain away the rumours that have been swirling around.

The fact that Olive Denton and myself often swap make-up tips is simply that we share an interest in amateur dramatics, and is certainly not connected in any way with the odious acts of those mincing poofters that can be stumbled upon while taking an evening stroll around the bushes 50 yards to the rear (oh, did it again) of the public toilets in Hyde Park.

Also the time when Skoob was found with me in the Coal Hole examining my soft peach-like buttocks, this was in no way due to any gayness. Oh no-siree Bob. He was simply helping to remove a splinter that I'd picked up from one of the broken chairs. And what's more he was doing it in a most butch and masculine fashion.

Some people may also have thought that the time when myself and the wonky-eyed nurse were seen swapping body fluids may have indicated a somewhat dodgy relationship. This was a terrible misunderstanding, and it was in fact the Colonel's twin sister that I was involved with, which pretty much proves how straight and manly I am.

As for Ellis. Well you only have to look at the avatar to see that he, sorry, she's a woman. So that time under the pool table doesn't count.

Right, now that the record is straight (blimey another one) I can once more hold my head up high. And anyone who casts aspersions on my masculinity will get her eyes scratched out.

*Smooths down mini-skirt, cracks open a beer and settles down to watch Match of the Day*

I think we need to get back to the discussion of the discussion of the discussion in order to focus a bit, and ignore Tennyson, as he was only really known as the father of the stepladder.

Or something...

Dear Spoof ^^^^^^^^


Exactly how cunning a plan would that be?

I think we should be told.

Helena Trollybus
Chewknuckle
Arizona.

Well, judging by his wit I reckon he's one.

song for Olive

Glorious news Comrades.

Our leaders have just announced that our beloved motherland has won the Eurovision Song Contest with our song: We Stamp on the white slug of Capitalism sung by the massed choirs of the 476th Penal Battalion.

As a result everyone is going to get an extra days holiday sometime in 2017.

We advance up the slope of progress in our unstoppable heroic donkey carts.

Not sure if that's worked, so try this one:

2nd pathetic attempt at link

Oh bollocks!

Dear Spoof,

DON'T YEW TALK ABAUT DAVE CLANTON LIKE WOT YEW JUS DID!
EE's AN ANGLE THAT MAN. AN IF E WANTS TER SPEND MORE TIME WIV E'S BRIDGETS E'S GOT EVREE RIGHT. I'M GOING TER FROW MESELF UNDER THE HERZSE WHEN IS BELOVE'D RING FINGER PASSES ME FRONT DOOR NEXT TUESDAY AS A MARK OF RESPEC'.
E WUS LIKE A BREFF OF FRESH AIR WHEN E CAME ERE. NOT A FULL LUNGFULL LIKE WOT OUR BELOVED JADE GOODY WUS WHEN SHE WAS NOSHING THAT BLOKE ON BIG BRUVVER, BUT BETTER THAN THAT FRENCH TOSSER AN'IS MATES. AN' IT'S ALL LIES ABAUT THAT DONKEY. YEW ASK THAT SHORT BLOND WOMAN WAT LOOKS AFTER IM AN IS 'AT.


Lady Gusset-Duckhams
The Old Manor House
Surbiton

^^^^^^^^^^


*Nurse - Mr Danton, Mr Danton... You're just coming round from the anaesthetic dear. How many fingers am I holding up?

CD - Alright. No need to take the piss.

*Doctor - C'mon man, get a grip.

CD - Christ! Not you as well.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Happy, enthusiastic, optimistic, cute, full of life.


You'd have to kill her. Or at least lock her in a dark room or something.

Local Commissionaire tells me that problem at the power station caused by the switching on of an additional 40 watt light bulb in the goat licensing office during busy periods.

A 7 watt light bulb has been ordered to replace it, and should be here within a month or two.

Due to the inconvenience caused, our glorious leadership has decreed that each household will get an additional three cubic meters of gas to compensate.

The gas will be available from the district gasometer on Thursday. All householders to bring their own bucket.



The world looks on in envy at the proud buttocks of our native donkeys.

Soap ration is only issued every other Wednesday, but if Comrade Danton would like to pop down to the tractor factory we can have a go with the sandblasting machine.


Olga (she of the fragrant headscarf and alluring felt boots) tells me that there is a problem with the local heroic sewage treatment works and so everyone has to bravely clench their sphincters until next Tuesday.


Our progress shows the world our superior vision.

Stiff upper lips gentlemen.


RAF pilot sketch

Orlando does seem to have a number of very odd things living there.

I visited the place a few years ago and came across a five foot high mouse in a theme park.

Scared the hell out of me, I can tell you.

Nice in-depth piece of reporting there.

The photo took up more room than the text.

Still as you say, perhaps it's not the most intelligent place on planet Earth.

Re the above^^^^^^^^^^

I too have a strong desire to watch the world's best football team play a side from some northern fishing village next Saturday.

Madame Churchmouse however has no conception of the importance of watching half a dozen goals being scored in what will undoubtedly be the finest display of sporting prowess since the 1985 FA cup final.

Should I watch said sporting event on the TV it will deprive my missus of viewing 'Somewhere in France there must be Talent' which would in turn mean that I won't get fed for a month for being a selfish bastard.

Therefore I have evolved a cunning plan... While she is watching some spotty Parisian trying to squeeze a tune out of a popular song, I will be on the computer watching the game via Sky-sports-streaming under the pretext that I'm doing some work. She will immediately assume that I'm downloading Malaysian pornography and when she storms in to see me watching the football will be so overcome with remorse that I can then take-over the TV while she drags a few crates of beer up from the cellar and gets busy with the bacon sandwiches in the kitchen.

The kindness that your wife performed for the old lady was worth more than gold.

She is not responsible for the woman's death. that would of happened anyway. What she has done is allow the woman to pass away contentedly.

I'm sure that you are very proud of her, and I would wish that someone show me the same kindness when my time comes.

Although I live a couple of hours away from the sea so I'd probably peg it while we were traversing a roundabout or something, which would mean that the poor sod driving me would then have to spend some considerable time filling in forms and talking to paramedics.

District prostitute number 63 has told me that this Saturday night is the annual piglet greasing competition at the collective farm. Not only that but it's free beetroot juice for everyone who brings their own piglet. So it looks like it's going to be fun all the way.


Turnips for dinner again tonight.


Our powerful folk dancing strikes terror into the hearts of our enemies.

Oh Bollockskev!

Late for work at the tractor factory this morning due to the horse that tows the bus breaking down.

No chance of hitting my quota so won't get a disc of cheap metal on a colourful ribbon or a certificate in a Bakelite frame.

Still it did give me a chance to ogle the women working in the turnip fields while we waited for another horse to be issued from central casting.

Those head scarves...Those wooden clogs... Whey-heh!


Our glorious piano-accordion sits astride the world!

Glorious news Comrade Armski.

I will bring to the feast 3 herrings that I have been given as a workers bonus after badly welding together four tractors more than my normal quota.


There'll be dancing in the streets of Valavoskistalinroumazabad tonight.


Onto the sunlit uplands of our glittering future!

Much rejoicing in the village tonight as it's been announced that it's turnips for dinner again.

Also the bloke from the state garage tells me that I should get a new set of spark plugs for the Moskovich by mid November.



Death to the evil capitalist counter-revolutionaries!

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Quote: Skoob1999

One For The Acronymists - Only This Is A Bit Funny....

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Made me laugh.