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From General Discussion / Radcliffe & Maconie
Posted 8 Sep 12 12:22
Message
^^^^^^

Well honestly!

*Puffs out cheeks in indignation*

The way you go on you would think that you are some kind of Hypod gear oil swilling East end motor engineer! *Snaps off stem of pipe in anger*

I know your sort; All sucking of teeth while adding an extra 50% for a set of constant velocity joints and a flimsy plastic seat cover. 'Oh it'll cost you Darling' and 'I'll have to order is special for you. Might take a week or so'. And all the time waltzing around in your customer's car with a short blond woman with more sense than yourself. Who quite frankly not only has more compassion than you but is also much better looking.

Oh yes, just because you contribute one or two mildly funny articles to the forthcoming Dorking Review 2 (Order now to avoid disappointment)and throw in some of the best forum comments you think that you can denigrate poor Ellis, who not only has a luxuriant head of hair that is the envy of everyone at his local bakers, but someone who also knows how to treat a female impersonator.


*Desperately tries to open packet of stress tablets before collapsing over desk*



 
From General Discussion / Radcliffe & Maconie
Posted 6 Sep 12 15:20
Message
^^^^^^^^^"I was going to give you a jolly up"

It's too bloody late now isn't it. I was reduced to eating old spoofs that I'd written over the last couple of years to sustain myself. (A good job that they are all rich and nutritious otherwise I would have had it).

Anyway, I've dug the bullet out of the wall, and I still have the brass cartridge case so I'm off down to the scrappers to weigh them in.

*Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.*

14 centimes!!!!! The robbing bastards!

Anyway Old Horse, what's all this about young Ellis and his haircut. Looks alright to me.

You want to see Debbies. Jesus! You would have thought she'd done it with a knife and fork.



 
From News Discussion / South African Police Kill Everybody
Posted 6 Sep 12 14:26
Message

Nicely scripted Cliveybaby.

5 from me too.





 
From General Discussion / Radcliffe & Maconie
Posted 6 Sep 12 13:11
Message
Bastards!


That could have blown my bloody head off. And what do I get? Not a 'You alright Churchy', or a 'Don't worry mate, I'll call an ambulance'. Sod all, thats what!

Good job it was only a flesh wound, although I'll have to mop the blood up off of the lino now.

That new bloke Derrick Naylor-Made with his 'friendly group of writers' bollocks.

Pah!

You wait till you post a pathetic, badly crafted cry for help with accommodation and employment and see where it gets you.

 
From General Discussion / Radcliffe & Maconie
Posted 5 Sep 12 20:23
Message
Maconie was a form of tinned meat and veg issued to the troops in the first world war. It had the slogan 'A complete meal in a tin' and apparently tasted of boiled cabbage.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this...I mean, it's not as if it's relevant or anything...I just want to be liked *sniff* It wasn't my fault that I was good at history, I mean, if it wasn't for my uncle Bob insisting that I rummage through the pockets of his battledress it might have been so different. All the big boys would have picked me for football, and taught me how to smoke... but here I am with nothing in the world but a picklehelb and a copy of Rutherwicks guide to the Somme battlefields *sob*

Julie from the dry-cleaners might have gone out with me.

I could have been someone... not just a cleaner at a bus station, mopping up piss, and being abused by tramps.

I could have lived in a real flat... with walls, and a window to look out of...I could have made it.

Still, there's worse things happen at sea. at least I've still got uncle Bob's old Webley. I'll just give it a polish...

BLAM!!!!

Shit.

THUD.



 
From News Discussion / Interesting accounts stage a come-back
Posted 30 Aug 12 20:51
Message


I must say that I loved the basic premise of this article. I would have liked to have read more.

5 lonely wanderings.




 
From News Discussion / Kenyan Police Scale Down Hunt For Rogue Essex Girl
Posted 28 Aug 12 16:10
Message

5 just for the title alone.


Good stuff

 
From General Discussion / Insult Thread
Posted 25 Aug 12 20:58
Message

Take her a hula hoop.

She won't be able to hide it in her handbag, or secrete it in the ward before she leaves.


Hang on, just thought... Haven't added an insult.


I reckon she's a freeloading bastard who's taking vital medical funding away from deserving alcoholic writers, the greedy cow.


There, that should do it.




 
From General Discussion / Insult Thread
Posted 23 Aug 12 17:01
Message


Not that difficult to Alter boys, at least according to Gay Larry, or whatever the bastard's name was.

But then again, living in Oss-ter-ralia; where the sun is bright, and the sky is blue, and the girls all look like you, you pommie bastard; I don't suppose you notice much difference.

Give us a light Mac.




 
From General Discussion / Insult Thread
Posted 22 Aug 12 17:03
Message


Christ, what a bunch of tossers!

I've seen better insults bandied about in a junior-school 'support and teamwork' group.

Wankers the lot of you.





Apart from my special friend, who's merely a twat.




 
From Magazine Discussion / Fancy a Trip to Auschwitz? - "Let The Train Take The Strain"
Posted 21 Aug 12 21:44
Message


Just to get back onto the subject;

This article is probably the best thing that I've read on here for the last six months.


5 from me, I wish I could give it more.




 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 19 Aug 12 17:33
Message

Dear Spoof,

With regard to Mr Saunders question on the size of raindrop required to kill someone, I can state categorically that the amount of water required would be 200 ltrs (Roughly 50 gallons for those not yet converted.)

The reason that I can state this with confidence, is that my late uncle Reg was killed outright buy that amount of water falling on him while he was purchasing a meat pie from a traveling fast food outlet one night outside of a high-rise block of flats in Stafford.

The precise measurement of the amount of water taken to kill him was due to it being contained in a 200ltr steel drum that was thrown from a 8th floor balcony.

Hope that this will ensure that both you and your hamster can continue your peaceful existence together.


Ronnie The Frog (Mrs)
Jesuslovesmeforasunbeam
Secure Unit #17
Rickmansworth.





 
From News Discussion / Britain Suspends NATO Membership For Duration Of Olympics
Posted 30 Jul 12 20:43
Message


Very, very good.

Loved it.




 
From Magazine Discussion / My Senior Moments: W/E: 21st July 2012
Posted 23 Jul 12 18:18
Message


Don't worry Inchy.

You only get stabbed in the back when you're out in front.

There are plenty of old hands here that know you for the gentleman that you are.

Keep smiling. Would have put one of those smiley things here, but have dropped it on the floor.





 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 26 Jun 12 23:00
Message

Quote: pinxit

Dear Spoof,

It's all kicking off in Dorking.

Trevor McManusDonald,
News-at-Ten



That was quite wonderful. I haven't laughed so much since I was last sober.

I really must try harder to be more responsible.





 
From Magazine Discussion / So Like, How Did You Become A Spoofer? - Miley From California Replies
Posted 23 Jun 12 10:21
Message


Brilliant.

Like, really cool 'n stuff. I'm like, now soooooo insanely jealous that I'm going to get all my bestest, bestest friends to flame you on FB.

And I'm going to tell Mrs Johnson who's head of the lower fourth, cos she's got like certificates 'n stuff, so she'll tell all her friends not to like you as well. And then you'll be sorry. And then everyone will love me instead.

Even though I'm a knob.


5 mate.



 
From General Discussion / Please be nice
Posted 14 Jun 12 15:48
Message

Quote: Fergus McCarthy

How long do we have to be nice to the newcomers for? I suppose what I'm trying to say is, is there a time limit, a good grace period and then the gloves are off or do we always have to be nice to them?

I need to know.... I've been watching Erskin Quint for a while now, he looks dodgy.


I think that it's advisable to let everyone here know that I'm new here. In fact so new that all and sundry have an obligation to be incredibly nice to me.

I should also point out that I'll be very grateful for any spare money you might have. I'm also keen on holidays in Barbados, and I drink champagne... or bitter at a push.

Ta awfully.

Suppose I'd better say that you are all fab... You are all fab.

Blurrrrgh.



 
From General Discussion / I Can No Longer Live A Lie!...I'm Unashamedly Gay!
Posted 10 Jun 12 12:35
Message

I'd like to state that I am in no way or form one of those disgusting, hideous gay sorts. Oh me no!

It's time to put the record straight (see that) and explain away the rumours that have been swirling around.

The fact that Olive Denton and myself often swap make-up tips is simply that we share an interest in amateur dramatics, and is certainly not connected in any way with the odious acts of those mincing poofters that can be stumbled upon while taking an evening stroll around the bushes 50 yards to the rear (oh, did it again) of the public toilets in Hyde Park.

Also the time when Skoob was found with me in the Coal Hole examining my soft peach-like buttocks, this was in no way due to any gayness. Oh no-siree Bob. He was simply helping to remove a splinter that I'd picked up from one of the broken chairs. And what's more he was doing it in a most butch and masculine fashion.

Some people may also have thought that the time when myself and the wonky-eyed nurse were seen swapping body fluids may have indicated a somewhat dodgy relationship. This was a terrible misunderstanding, and it was in fact the Colonel's twin sister that I was involved with, which pretty much proves how straight and manly I am.

As for Ellis. Well you only have to look at the avatar to see that he, sorry, she's a woman. So that time under the pool table doesn't count.

Right, now that the record is straight (blimey another one) I can once more hold my head up high. And anyone who casts aspersions on my masculinity will get her eyes scratched out.

*Smooths down mini-skirt, cracks open a beer and settles down to watch Match of the Day*




 
From News Discussion / Ms Verity Warbling-Trollblog To Join Skoob Entertainment News
Posted 9 Jun 12 07:37
Message


Arf, arf, arf, arf.

Yuk, yuk, yuk.

5.



 
From General Discussion / Continuing discussion
Posted 2 Jun 12 06:33
Message


I think we need to get back to the discussion of the discussion of the discussion in order to focus a bit, and ignore Tennyson, as he was only really known as the father of the stepladder.

Or something...




 
From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 1 Jun 12 15:31
Message
Dear Spoof ^^^^^^^^


Exactly how cunning a plan would that be?

I think we should be told.

Helena Trollybus
Chewknuckle
Arizona.






 
From Magazine Discussion / Dorking News: More (One, Actually) Letters To The Editor About History
Posted 1 Jun 12 15:27
Message

Lovely.

A real joy to read Erskine's 'Letters to the Editor'.

Wonderful stuff.






 
From General Discussion / A Song For Olive Denton
Posted 30 May 12 20:27
Message
Well, judging by his wit I reckon he's one.

song for Olive

 
From News Discussion / Fire destroys bubble factory
Posted 30 May 12 16:12
Message

Well I thought it was funny and gave it five.

It reminded me of the time when I worked in the tartan paint factory, and one of the grinders ran out of sparks for his grinder. We had to send the apprentice across the road with a bucket to the wood-welding tool makers to get some.

Halcyon days.

 
From General Discussion / Comrades!
Posted 28 May 12 17:16
Message

Glorious news Comrades.

Our leaders have just announced that our beloved motherland has won the Eurovision Song Contest with our song: We Stamp on the white slug of Capitalism sung by the massed choirs of the 476th Penal Battalion.

As a result everyone is going to get an extra days holiday sometime in 2017.

We advance up the slope of progress in our unstoppable heroic donkey carts.





 
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