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From News Discussion / Jack The Ripper Unmasked
Posted 4 Sep 12 12:46
Really enjoyed one with a difference, well created.

From Magazine Discussion / Ron & Fred on New Technology - and Milk (Part One)
Posted 31 Aug 12 08:05
Brilliant... Five from me in appreciation of it giving as good a laugh as wot I've 'ad fer ages!

Nice one Sir Tom!

From News Discussion / Prince Philip Funeral Plans Found In Gents Toilet On Hampstead Heath
Posted 25 Aug 12 12:04
Cut above this one I thought.

I don't know how he thinks of 'em!

Tickled me pink it did!

From News Discussion / Never leave the caravan park
Posted 21 Aug 12 18:51
Good stuff this one - 5 from me, nice!

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 19 Aug 12 11:55
Dear Spoof,
Kindly inform Herr Incredible Sulk on my behalf, that his foibles must be tended to immediately.

His record on writing hilarious, topical and insightful spoofs is being considered by the Mike Spilligan Appreciation Society Committee, for an award for their adoxography, and Confusethebuggers content.

In the event of his being awarded the treasured trilby prize, I will inform him in advance.

Also, please ask SeƱor Martin Shuttlecock, to consider the survival of the British real ale makers, by consuming excessive gigantic amounts of British Ale daily.

This will not aleviate the tidying up to do, bins to be jetwashed, food to be cooked, footy on the telly, rows with her indoors to be had, emails to answer, or letters to write - but he will not care if they get done or not!

Yours, on new tablets...

Bartholomew Utterwaithe
Mike Spilligan Appreciation Society Committee Caretaker
Benefits Office

From General Discussion / Dear Inchy
Posted 18 Aug 12 08:18

Quote: Skoob1999

Dear Inchy,

Ever thought of applying for a job as a manager at Aldi's?
Thirty seven grand a year, and you don't even have to know all the prices off by heart, like the flunkeys on the tills.

It probably helps if you know how to source cheap Czechoslovakian computer chairs, pit boots, crap pasties and doner kebab flavoured pizzas, and if you can direct some numpty pulling a pallet truck loaded up with frozen Argentinian meat pies and/or Korean Cornish Pasties and tell him or her to 'fucking hurry up about it.'

I'm going for an application form tomorrow.

It's about thirty grand a year more than I earn now.




I would advise against any such application being made by your good self for work at Aldi stores.

You will be so lonely if you do go there - I don't think the staff are allowed to talk... grunt, nod, shake the head and sneer yes... but actually talk.. I'm not sure.

You'll probably get short changed in your wages too.

Mind you, it would probably have more prospects than working for G4S?

I'm off way to Skeggy on Monday for me first away-day for over thirty years... I wonder if I'm doing the right thing travelling on trains with my luck, we haven't had a disaster on the railways of late... Mmmm!

Hope your managing to rehabilitate yourself to home life and the return to your favourite ales Sir.

Take care


From General Discussion / Clue Doh!
Posted 14 Aug 12 06:22

Quote: Philbert of Macadamia

Mr. Inchcock demands payment for cutting the lawns in Nottingham Castle. Instead he is fined 150 Euros for fouling the lawns in Nottingham Castle.


Had to laugh at this thanks.

Funny you should say that POM.... but last year...

Oh never mind.

You wouldn't believe it anyway.

Hope everyone is keeping well!

From Magazine Discussion / My Senior Moments: W/E: 21st July 2012
Posted 14 Aug 12 06:17
Thanks Radio,

I've checked me spam, the sell by date was 19.09.09, but it tasted alright though.

Checked me e-mails, there still there.



From Magazine Discussion / 50 Things Bartholomew Utterswaithe would do if he ruled the World
Posted 14 Aug 12 06:14
Thanks Sidney,

I have to admit it... soft as a brush that's me!

Cough cough!


From General Discussion / All Alone
Posted 13 Aug 12 07:21
I was trying to clean the oven after I'd left me potatoes and fish in batter on a medium, regulo for nine hours when I nodded off... again!


From General Discussion / Sink or Swim?
Posted 11 Aug 12 06:35

Quote: radiogagger

Is it true Rio Ferdinand is hosting the 2016 Olympics in his back garden? Will John Terry be invited?


Rio has been in training for years to enter the Olympic Scowling competition - he should win it too!


From General Discussion / Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock
Posted 11 Aug 12 06:34
Do they really JO?

Well, that must be why I'm feeling a bit better.

Thanks Sir, and taketh much care.


From News Discussion / Scotland Wants Own Olympic Team
Posted 11 Aug 12 06:31
Excellent stuff!

I nearly missed me medications with laughing so much!


From General Discussion / Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock
Posted 10 Aug 12 19:00
Mrs Gongle Spume, were you the woman who leant down to ask if I was alight and flashed her knockers at me?

If so, thank you, please ring 0115 95556444.


From Magazine Discussion / My Senior Moments: W/E: 21st July 2012
Posted 10 Aug 12 17:19
Well thank you Sir, but I still wish the Inch was little longer!



From General Discussion / Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock
Posted 10 Aug 12 17:15

Concentration a lot better now thank you kindly, been on new med's for a while now, steadying down nicely.

Apart from getting knocked down yesterday - no bull - by a mobility scooter!

Well who else was he going to hit?

Hope you doing okay Sir.


From General Discussion / Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock
Posted 10 Aug 12 04:33
Thanks Arm.

I hope your foibles are fermenting frequently with fissiparousness.

Take care.


From Magazine Discussion / My Senior Moments: W/E: 21st July 2012
Posted 9 Aug 12 15:54
Bless you all for the support.


From General Discussion / Spoof fringe Olym pics
Posted 9 Aug 12 15:46
The Goats in the picture caption get the Marathon Gold.

Simon gets the silver for Handball and gold for Synchronised Wit. (loved his Coxless pairs in Woeing)

Lynton get Gold Jolyball.

Skoob is disqualified for abandoning the country just to go to warmer climes, sex, cheap beer, and R&R... no come think of it, give him Gold!

Sid gets a Gold for his Shooting skills!

Colonel Juan gets Gold, Silver, Bronze and stick of rock for his Wrestling for justice.

Arm a Gold for his Cando sprint.

Radiogagger a gold and tablets for his Beach Volleyball addiction.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 9 Aug 12 15:30
Dear Spoof,

I've heard the gang have gone to ground in Spain, because no one told them the extradition thingy had fininshed... or has it?

It was definitely still in force when Auf Weidersehen Pet Two was on.

I had a telly then you know.


From General Discussion / Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock Inchcock
Posted 9 Aug 12 15:26
Hello hello hello!

Back in the saddle again.

No I don't mean that... do I?

Er, I'm here anyway, and perusing once again... I think...

Best to all, Inchy

From Magazine Discussion / Isn't It Time To Shoot The Elephant In The Room?
Posted 8 Aug 12 10:43
Sid has made a worthy point in this mag article I thought.

From Magazine Discussion / My Senior Moments: W/E: 21st July 2012
Posted 21 Jul 12 15:04
I've no idea why it has happened, but I think you might be right, I'll be relieved when my ratings drop down.

Thanks a lot.


From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 20 Jul 12 04:39
Dear Spoof,

I would like to advise Mr Martin Shuttlecock of the availability of a dilapidated cottage in the hamlet of Theddlethorpe, just outside Mablethorpe, for renting.

I visited it in 1965, and found the lack of electricity, the garden water pump, and the bottom of the garden decorated tub-toilet to be highly interesting.

In the event of the dear Teresa May not returning the said passport in time, I would be willing to send her a letter of complaint, compose one for the Shuttlecock's to use, mention it on the web, write to newspapers, consult the Ombudsman, email Cameron, assassinate George Osborne, throw a foot-stamping wobbly in Nottingham City centre, and return my OBE in protest on their behalf.

Good luck.

Bartholomew Utterwaithe (Deceased)
4th Vandalised headstone on he left
Rock Cemetary

From News Discussion / Bidney Sollocks vs Cockinch-Smalls battle for Commonwealth Spoofing Championship
Posted 18 Jul 12 05:46

Quote: Lynton

Has the bout finished already - I didn't say it could! Turn your back for a minute just for a mug of splash and look what happens.

I'd get that mole looked at Inch, just to be sure. On you, it would probably turn nasty.

Sorry ref: I blame Sollocks and A Bell.

I'll keep me beads on the mole, in case it leaks any more stuff!

Might not be on for while if I have to have direct injection of Warfarin into ticker later this morning - had to have one last year, no pain, but it mucked up me concentration for weeks. (Or was that natural decrepitation approaching?).

Are you up for the Chief Arbiter's job in the next challenge from Sollocks?

Taketh care


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