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From General Discussion / Wombats
Posted 26 Jul 11 21:55
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In the late 60's I shared an apartment with an avowed wombat. All she did at night was have sex with her accordian while singing the latest Janis Joplin hits. Drove me crazy because I was into the Kingston Trio at the time.

 
From News Discussion / Anthropologist Discovers Primitive Man Could Hover While Having Sex With Giant Hummingbirds
Posted 13 Jul 11 17:02
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Quote: mikewadestr

Wait a minute. You can still have sex with little hummingbirds today! I mean if your like really, really small. Not that this includes me mind you or that I have ever tried. I mean, those fuckers move pretty damn quick. Well, at least that is what I hear. I'm just saying.



I stand by my story. Unless you can hover for at least 10 seconds, you just as well be celibate.

DR. B

 
From News Discussion / Killer Banana Splits After Attacking Gorilla In Ohio
Posted 12 Jul 11 23:08
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Thanks! I really appreciate your comments. Fame is so fleeting. It is my belief that you are only as good or bad as your last story.

Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Would You Marry A Lap Dancer? For Men And Women Only
Posted 2 Jul 11 23:24
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I consider Florida the lap-dancing capital of the world. When visiting a friend for a three day golf outing, he noticed I had near terminal chingas (shakes) on the putting green the first day. Afterwards, over a couple of gin and tonics, he suggested a cure that he f..king guaranteed would work to calm my nerves.

Just a couple of miles from the course we stopped at a nondescript, roadside pavillion with a parking lot full of big-wheeled pickups and a few luxury sedans. With little ceremony we stepped into the joint through a heavy curtain, and to my surprise, we were immediately surrounded by a bevy of totally nude nymphet sparrows of different colors and creeds; all claiming to have the cure for my nervous disorder. One, who was pigmented considerably darker than myself and who also out-weighed me by a stone or so, was so insistent that I take her up on her cure that I finally slipped her a twenty, just to get rid of her.

For some reason she got pissed, possibly because she thought me a racist for not choosing her over a blond that was more my type. Anyway, she threw the twenty back at me and told me to stuff it where the sun don't shine. That was easy, her not having any clothes on. The next thing you know, the bouncer was in my face and all hell broke loose. My old Navy buddy, Nick the Greek, a man of some connections in the underworld, didn't take shit from nobody. Bedlam! All I could see was assholes and elbows flying through the air with a few boobs also in the mix.

Somehow, we got the hell out of there somewhat intact. Next day, I made everything inside 8 feet. My buddy was right. He fixed my chingas....True story!



 
From General Discussion / Would You Marry A Lap Dancer? For Men And Women Only
Posted 30 Jun 11 21:16
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Head for the round house, Nelly. He can't corn-hole you there.

 
From General Discussion / Would You Marry A Lap Dancer? For Men And Women Only
Posted 16 Jun 11 16:07
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Quote: Lynton

Lap dancers are only useful for people in wheelchairs


Is that why most guys ask for a wheelchair after their lap dance?

 
From General Discussion / Would You Marry A Lap Dancer? For Men And Women Only
Posted 16 Jun 11 16:04
Message

Quote: Skoob1999

Sorry

Thought it said 'Laplander'

Carry on.


Skoob, I am beginning to think that you are a troublemaker. Stop dodging the question.

Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Would You Marry A Lap Dancer? For Men And Women Only
Posted 15 Jun 11 15:35
Message

Quote: Lady Godiva

Careful what you say guys! It's known by many that I used to be a lap-dancer but was fired after two nights because - the men said the taps on the bottom of my shoes played havoc with their knees


Lady Godiva:

Evidently the guys aren't biting today. It appears that we have a bunch of pinch mouth prudes who won't touch this topic with a 10 foot pole for fear of offending dancers like you.

Regards, Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Would You Marry A Lap Dancer? For Men And Women Only
Posted 14 Jun 11 22:43
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I know that most men, because of their concupiscible nature, are attracted to forbidden fruits. Anyone who has stumbled into a strip joint with his buddies knows what I am talking about. That being said, would you automatically classify the hard-working gal who is grinding away on your loins a floozy, not fit to be introduced to your Mom and Dad as your future wife?

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 14 Jun 11 21:12
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Quote: Inhopeless

For God's sake, Steven Hawking - the smartest man on Earth -says that the NHS has saved his life three times! His wheelchair was part-paid with public taxes!


I would like to go mano y mano with that commie pinko bastard. If you have a chance to talk to him, tell him I would tie six of my Doctorates behind my back, just to make it a fair fight.

Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 14 Jun 11 04:46
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It is a fact that the US taxpayer cannot absorb most of the costs of protecting NATO countries, who spend virtually nothing on their own defense, and also provide UHC for its own citizens. Just last week, retiring Sec. of Defense Robert Gates pointed out that NATO cannot survive if America has to carry a disproportionate amount of the load.

Although most Americans are coming to the realization that we can't intercede in nation building for raghead countries who seem destined to live in the middle-ages, we also understand that is where the ideology exists that wants us all dead.

Tough decisions have to be made in the Middle-East. Should NATO be interceding in Libya? The US again is shouldering most of the costs, which amounts to billions of dollars that we have to put on our national credit card because we don't have the money in the bank.

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 13 Jun 11 22:58
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Skoob,

If I get sick or have to seek long term medical care, can I move to the UK and receive care without having to pay anything, no questions asked?

The reason I ask is that we have millions of illegals coming across our border, many who have their babies in our hospitals or who seek emergency treatment, and they don't have to pay one centavo.

I would hope that you in the UK would be humanitarian enough to allow for this since you could expect the same treatment if you happened to penetrate our wide open border and needed medical care.

If we only had to pay for our own citizens, I believe that UHC might work here too.

Regards,

Doctor B

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 13 Jun 11 20:33
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rfreed:

You seem to be accident prone. I suggest that you move closer to a hospital, or even into one, if possible. I certainly wouldn't live 60 miles from nearest hospital, if I were you.

Also, when you had your kidney stones removed by surgery, how did the doctor scrape your lung and cause it to collapse? The guy ought to have his license revoked, or at least wear glasses when he operates. Those organs are usually difficult to mistake. You should have sued the son-of-a-bitch for malpractice.

Even though these are compelling examples of what is wrong with healthcare in rural America, doesn't Alaska give each resident a $2000 pop just for living there? Couldn't this be used to buy health insurance?

You can trust me cause I'm the Doctor.

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 13 Jun 11 04:28
Message

Quote: Lady Godiva

He who speaketh with forked tongue has difficulty being understood.

He who speaketh with silver spoon in mouth also has difficulty being understood.

He who speaketh with 12 doctrates is too clever for ME.



On the other hand, my wife married well beyond her own academic qualifications and feels intimidated when I wear my academic robes and feather headress when we go to sporting events and social gatherings.


 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 10 Jun 11 15:06
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Sounds as if Dr B is overwhelmed by the complexities and difficulties of reality, and instead chooses to focus on doing his best for his immediate loved ones.


The first part of your statement is not true. The reason I am not overwhelmed by the complexities and difficulties of reality is that I understand my finite limitations and leave God's work to God.

Focusing on loved ones comes naturally to most of us except politicians and diletantes.


 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 9 Jun 11 17:46
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"Reality sucks ass."

Erskin,

Sounds like your reality needs to be reframed. Myself, I refuse to dwell on anything that I have no means of changing. I can't stamp out famine in Africa or floods in Montana. I can only try to make myself a better person and take care of myself and family. If I have extra time and energy, I get away by playing golf.

Keep life simple by not playing other people's games.

Regards,

Dr. B



 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 9 Jun 11 14:41
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Quote: Mark

Dr B - Please don't quote whole posts.


Mark,

Another "rope a dope" moment for you. I have notified my ghost writer to comply.

Regards,

Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 9 Jun 11 03:03
Message

Quote: Inhopeless

So wait... the world is an ever-deepening Tim Burton-meets-TV sitcoms-style stage, where everything counts, but nothing does, where I may find true happiness in the form of emptiness, where everything is an odourless TV ad, but reeks of desperation and based on the misery and selfishness of others plus golf?

Reality sucks ass.


Inhopeless,

Please don't include golf in your laundry list of depressing world affairs. It is my only escape from this world's evil. I strongly urge you to take up this wonderful sport if you wish to keep your sanity.

Although it is a very difficult sport to achieve some degree of competence, it is well worth the effort. I have been playing since I was 12 years old. It offers at least 4 hours escape from family, job and other responsibilities. It also offers an opportunity to have very special time with your friends and business associates.

On the other hand, if you really want to dwell on negatives and become depressed, I suggest you read Jean Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness. It took years for me to recover after reading this piece of philosophic crap.

I wish you the very best in your life experiences.

Dr. B



 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 8 Jun 11 17:23
Message

Quote: Colonel Juan

I do Doc..

relax..

follow through..

Keep your head down..

enjoy..


Sounds like you know something about the game. Or were you talking about something my wife might say to me in bed?

Thanks,

Dr.B

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 8 Jun 11 17:18
Message

Quote: Skoob1999

I don't believe you.

You tell fibs.

Regards

Skoob.


Skoob,

Your conviviality is welcome. I gather that you have finally seen through my facade. Even my wife took less time than most of you to do so.

Best,

Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 8 Jun 11 17:12
Message

Quote: Colonel Juan

That's not even semi-hardcore wanking Doc..

Just tick the fucking boxes like Skoob says..

Then we'll play..


Thanks for the advice. I am about to leave for the day to play golf. Do you have any golf tips, too?

Dr. B


 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 8 Jun 11 16:44
Message

Quote: Skoob1999

And here's me believing that Dr B holds 12 Doctorates.

Could you maybe use one of them to add tags to your Spoof submissions?

It ain't rocket science.

Just sayin'

Skoob.


Everyone is getting so testy. If someone had told me that getting a Doctorate in rocket science was a prerequisite for this forum, believe me, I would have turned to and gotten one.

Regards from Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 8 Jun 11 15:37
Message

Quote: Ellie James

I keep getting sucked into this conversation because of racist comments like "beaner."

I am a bilingual reading specialist. 50% of my school day is spent teaching native Spanish speaking children to be better readers. The other 50% of my day is spent teaching native English speakers who are also dyslexic. I love all of them.

I am also happy to say not ONE of my former students has fallen into gangs. Most likely because they had teachers who have cared and believed in them. I also have a former student who considers himself to be a writer now and is actually writing a book, and he's only 16.

We live in a global society. Is it the child's fault that their parents come here to escape the horrid situation in their home country? No. We have a responsibility to teach them; to help them become viable citizens. Not just of the US, but the world.

If I were in Mexico and got sick....I would want a doctor to help me. Not because I also happen to speak Spanish, but because I'm a HUMAN!


Ellie,

I take issue with you regarding your characterization of the word, "beaner" having derogatory racial overtones. Also, it is not my fault that I picked up this word from my children. After all, the child is the father of the man.

Conversely, I don't call my children "gringos" just because that is what the "beaners" call them. My kids don't want to be insulted either.

Finally, if this message is confusing, it was meant to be because it is very difficult for me to remain on point. You see, I suffer from terminal dyslexia brought about by a comment by Sister Mary Eileen, one of my favorite teachers, who wrote on my report card that, "Dr. Billingsgate will never amount to a hill of beans unless he learns to cheat better." You better believe that my parents didn't take this lightly.

Being a teacher, I hope you understand how devastating the word "beans" can be to a young man going through puberty. Hopefully, as it becomes part of everyday school patois, it will lose its sharp edge.

Keep up the good work.

Dr. B



 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 8 Jun 11 14:54
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint

He's winding you up, IH.

I recall him saying in a post once that he lived off his mother.

Still, at least you got some excellent debating practice and your posts are a delight to read.


Erskin,

I agree with everything you said with the exceptions of those you list above.

Being a highly respected professional; after all, I do possess 12 Doctorates from a highly credited learning center in the Caymans, I hardly wish to be characterized as a provocateur.

Regarding my mother, she is long deceased. This being said, I hope that I have never given anyone reason to believe that anything I have written, either as Spoof articles or in any discussion forum, such as this, was to be taken literally.

Lastly, your encouragement to Inhopeless to do combat with me in the form of debate might prove counterintuititive, as most young men of his age find praise untrustworthy coming from ersatz father figures.

Best regards,

Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Universal Healthcare? Good or Bad?
Posted 8 Jun 11 04:46
Message
I was just kidding you guys to see your reaction. I actually am for UHC as long as I don't have to pay for abortions, free natal care for the 10,000,000 beaners who come across our border to have their babies in our hospitals at no cost, and then have their little baby beaners automatically become US citizens, thereby qualifying their extended family to receive free medical care, food stamps, subsidized housing and social security benefits.

They can go to any hospital in the land for emergency care because it is against the law here to refuse treatment to anyone in need. This cost is subsequently passed on to those who do have insurance, like myself, because hospitals have to pass on these costs to someone. Then they fill our elementary schools with non-English speaking students who make it impossible for American students to learn anything because the teachers have to spend all their time with the slow learners. For our kids to get a decent education, we have to send them to a private school where we have to pay tuition in addition to the amount levied on us to keep the public schools open.

When the beaners drop out of school and start gang-banging, they eventually are arrested and sent to prison at an annual cost higher than what it takes to go to Harvard. In prison they receive the UHC that I pay for out of my taxes.

It is because we provide defacto UHC, jobs and other benefits to these people that they cross our borders. Now do you understand why it doesn't work here?





 
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