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From General Discussion / Would Saran Wrap Burqas Satisfy Security Concerns
Posted 1 Apr 17 02:36
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Quote: victor nicholas

Perhaps Jean Machine might carry them.


Doc... Please respect the fact that I'm seriously attempting to solve a security issue that seems to evade all attempts by Prince Charles to fathom. He is indeed an oxymoron and a blight to Great Britain.

 
From General Discussion / Would Saran Wrap Burqas Satisfy Security Concerns
Posted 1 Apr 17 02:21
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Quote: Monkey Woods

Dear Doctor,

if you really ARE a doctor, that is, about which I have serious reservations.

I suspect the clothing you describe would indeed satisfy the security services. Despite this, I do not think they would be popular with the buying public, and do not expect to see them on the rails at Top Shop or Marks & Spencer anytime soon.

Madeleine Crotch
Crinkly Bottom


Who really cares what the public cares? At the very least, wearing Saran Wrap burqas might provide a reason for ladies to burnish their pubic areas; and put some light on territories left uncharted for centuries.

 
From General Discussion / Would Saran Wrap Burqas Satisfy Security Concerns
Posted 1 Apr 17 02:12
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Quote: Erskin Quint

Dear Sir,

I would reply to your letter if I could understand it.

Yours
Tom "Tommy" Tomms
Managing Director
ABC Shoes Ltd
Cobblers to the Queen


Dear EQ: My letter was as transparent as Saran Wrap. What don't you understand?

Dr. B

 
From General Discussion / Would Saran Wrap Burqas Satisfy Security Concerns
Posted 31 Mar 17 20:09
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Has Great Britain or France considered this practical option?

 
From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 30 Mar 17 14:41
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To thwart my mailman I placed a spring loaded rat trap in my mail box. Worked for awhile until he countered by putting a package of rats in the box. I countered by putting my cat in mailbox. Waiting to see his next move.


 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 30 Mar 17 01:50
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Regardless of what part of the horse serves best to accommodate a rider, I'm sorry to say that I have been lonesome in the saddle since my horse died.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 28 Mar 17 14:15
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Quote: Monkey Woods

What are the chances?! I DO have a horse! Please be good enough to contact me through the Spoofoffice, so that we can arrange a convenient time for your flogging.


I took a calculated risk that your moniker, "Monkey Woods," indicated your preference in animals. I would gladly submit to a flogging if you would change your name to something more anthropomorphically appropriate, such as, "Horse Woods" or perhaps "Subliminal Stallion."

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 27 Mar 17 22:46
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I'm sorry I confused you. No one should be subjected to what I put you through without prior consent. If you had a horse, I would let you horse whip me.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 27 Mar 17 00:30
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You can never be too careful. For all I know, Monkey Woods could be a lurking anti-vivisectionist. However, I will take your word for his character. Would still like to see his CV.

Respectfully,

DR. B

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 26 Mar 17 17:31
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Monkey: Before we get too far into this, would like to check out your curriculum vitae to see if you got the right stuff for this procedure. Considering curing her buttocks with oil of persimmon to take out cottage cheese stretch marks. What say you?

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 26 Mar 17 13:25
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Quote: Monkey Woods


Quote: victor nicholas

I understand your concern. We may have a chance to finish stuffing the specimen if Monkey volunteers to shred a hard copy of his oevre and donate it to the cause.



If you mean me, I'll do whatever I can to help in this project.


I suggest we meet at an "all you can eat" buffet to stuff ourselves before we undertake this mission. In the spirit of our new found camaraderie, I will pick up the tab.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 22:53
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Quote: victor nicholas

I understand your concern. We may have a chance to finish stuffing the specimen if Monkey volunteers to shred a hard copy of his oevre and donate it to the cause.


Scintillating stuff for a scintillating stuff. I haven't measured her yet. But I expect the crest of her ample loins to be at least two axe handles wide. Hopefully no blemishes or carbuncles to deal with.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 21:42
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Quote: victor nicholas

Dear Doctor,

A very clever twinned response, bravo!


Doc....I look forward to working with you when we stuff Ms. Kardashian. As a practicing taxidermist, I must admit that I have some trepidation in taking on this assignment. My greatest fear is that of running out of sawdust when stuffing her buns.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 20:22
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Doc...Just what do you have in mind regarding her backside? Looks like two large dogs going after each other in a gunnysack when she rumbles by.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 19:43
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Doc...Just what do you have in mind regarding her backside? Looks like two large dogs going after each other in a gunnysack when she rumbles by.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 12:19
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Why do I have to do the flocking? Apparently you like to delegate the dirty work out. I do like your idea of hanging a chain from her belly button though. Most importantly, do you want her mounted standing or in a prone position?

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 24 Mar 17 14:28
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Doc.....You have once more humbled me with your iconic approach to the art of Taxidermy. From now on, I suggest we collaborate on these projects. Allow me to do the actual mounting while you do the plaques. Perhaps someone with artistic lineage might volunteer to do the filigree.

I look forward to our next project.

Very respectfully,

Dr. B

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 20 Mar 17 01:56
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Ditto

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 20 Mar 17 00:42
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Are you suggesting mountophilia? Ethically, that could pose a problem. Taxidermists are held to a much higher standard than morticians.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 19 Mar 17 22:26
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Doc, Just between you and me, if I had the opportunity, I would mount her in my den; taxidermally speaking, of course.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 18 Mar 17 16:13
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If not for extra-large buttocks, ramshackle ovaries and clapboard breasts, the Kardashians would be just another story in the dustbin of celebrity history.

 
From General Discussion / Brain Surgery
Posted 18 Mar 17 03:24
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Dr. Ben Carson was the lead taxidermist when Donald Trump had an albino raccoon mounted on his head. If you look carefully, you can see the beady eyes of the raccoon peering out from under the comb-over. Carson still claims he took more satisfaction from this operation than separating the conjoined twins.

 
From General Discussion / Why Is Sanger Rainsford Being Vilified By Liberals Today?
Posted 16 Mar 17 21:33
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Quote: Erskin Quint

Well I for one don't understand a word.


Even so, why was it necessary for you to say so? Writers have feelings, too.

 
From General Discussion / Brain Surgery
Posted 16 Mar 17 16:55
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Quote: Monkey Woods

Seems like a logical step.
.

You don't have to be a brain surgeon to figure that out. Good work!

 
From General Discussion / Brain Surgery
Posted 16 Mar 17 02:35
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Brain surgery is not for hacks. However, most taxidermists can do it in their sleep if given the chance. Currently, the AMA controls most medical procedures in order to make it impossible for other professionals to make a decent living. I believe that President Trump will recognize the Taxidermy profession for what it is; potentially the way to provide easy access to brain surgery before the condition is diagnosed by your spouse.

 
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