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From Magazine Discussion / The Reality of Santa Claus and Christmas Eve
Posted 20 Dec 12 09:02
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Oops!

 
From General Discussion / The Big Match!
Posted 22 Nov 12 08:36
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Sorry to come to this late...

We're just crap. End of. Bunch of loanees, employed by the week...

It's a crying bloody shame what the bastards have done to Pompey.

Oh - well done, Orient.

 
From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 9 Nov 12 13:03
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He sells home furnishings on this side o't pond.

On Armistice Day the Philharmonic will play.

Uh-huh.

 
From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 9 Nov 12 11:42
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By the way - who was it who wanted to take out Paul Simon? You'll have to get past me to get at the diminutive minstrel mate. He's the bee's knees...

Me and Julio down by the schoolyard.

OK?

 
From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 18:36
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Oh yeah... and he may not be up there with international perpetrators of genocide and a religious torture from the Iberian peninsula, but I'd get that bleeding git Ben Thatcher who nearly killed Pompey's Pedro Mendes at Man City with an unprovoked attack that time.

 
From News Discussion / Alice Roberts Viewing Figures Set To Plummet As Fans Switch Off "Origins Of Us"
Posted 23 Oct 12 13:48
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Actually, I should put her over on the bitch slapping thread.

 
From News Discussion / Alice Roberts Viewing Figures Set To Plummet As Fans Switch Off "Origins Of Us"
Posted 23 Oct 12 13:39
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Katie Price?

Shudder.

 
From News Discussion / Alice Roberts Viewing Figures Set To Plummet As Fans Switch Off "Origins Of Us"
Posted 23 Oct 12 13:14
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Now then, Bettany... yes, but... her presentation is a little too, erm... she sounds like she's trying to persuade you some times.

Top historian (and a looker!), all the same.

 
From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 11:40
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And while I'm dealing with Iberians, Cristiano Ro-bloody-naldo!

Slap.

Oh yes!

 
From News Discussion / Alice Roberts Viewing Figures Set To Plummet As Fans Switch Off "Origins Of Us"
Posted 23 Oct 12 11:12
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Didn't see that one.

Helen Castor for me...

 
From News Discussion / Alice Roberts Viewing Figures Set To Plummet As Fans Switch Off "Origins Of Us"
Posted 23 Oct 12 07:59
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Thanks John L.

Obsessive? That's the point. Obsession. It's just part of a running story about obsessive fans that began way back.

It's also not the latest one, which was written to coincide the current three-night series and which is still languishing in approvals. No - this one was written in October.

(Oh... wrong story - I see.)

Saw Amanda in an airport queue last year - quite lovely.

 
From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 07:51
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Don Fernando Álvarez de Toledo y Pimentel, 3rd Duke of Alba. Git.

It's not the Spanish per se, honest. I like Goya. And Penelope Cruz. And Antonio Banderas.

 
From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 22 Oct 12 21:09
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Also, I'm not a big fan of Torquemada...

(I should state that I don't have a particular problem with C15/16 Spaniards.)

 
From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 22 Oct 12 19:54
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That Pizarro was a bit of a git, wasn't he?

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 5 Oct 12 08:12
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Power of Love - Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Link? er...

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 2 Oct 12 13:23
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You don't go back in the chain... you must link to the last one...

 
From General Discussion / The Chain
Posted 2 Oct 12 08:55
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Dick Dale... the subject of a Steeleye Span song "rode up hill and he rode down dale..."

Black Jack Davey - Steeleye Span.

 
From General Discussion / Elementary Vs. Sherlock
Posted 2 Oct 12 08:35
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Funny you should say that Clivey - the missus has just done the very same... Sherlock on the Kindle, I mean, of course.

Michael Caine and Ben Kingsley were a good pairing... especially the scene with the pea...

 
From News Discussion / Gordon Brown 'fesses up to fascist tendancies during time as Prime Minister
Posted 25 Sep 12 20:29
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The picture's quite good though!

 
From General Discussion / That Clivey Danton - strictly entre-nous… know what I mean?
Posted 19 Sep 12 07:51
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Flippy neck and flamy nora! I've just seen that completely unjustified attack launched on my character by that Clivey D - taking advantage of my annual sojourn. What a cheap thing he is! I'm now very glad I heard all those unseemly stories about his behaviour in France and shared them with my friends here.

 
From Magazine Discussion / Great Battleships of World War II
Posted 18 Sep 12 16:19
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Tickled me - but I'm from Pompey and shouldn't really like stuff like this. Taking the mick out of ships and all. But there you go.

 
From General Discussion / That Clivey Danton - strictly entre-nous… know what I mean?
Posted 18 Sep 12 16:06
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Hey, Clivey... calm down. I'm only telling what those Frenchies told me. I'm sure we'd all love to hear your side of the story. Purely for balance you understand. I mean - I was shown some pretty damning photos (has to be said you did cut a dashing - if somewhat camp - figure round Biarritz Grand).

 
From General Discussion / That Clivey Danton - strictly entre-nous… know what I mean?
Posted 18 Sep 12 11:24
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Ah… back and refreshed.

Hi everyone. Just had a couple of weeks investigating some of the western reaches of La Belle France. Very nice too - lovely friendly people everywhere, very patient with my crap French but… when folks found out we were from London, there were moments of slight hesitation. For example: at check-in at Hotel St Nicolas at La Rochelle, the charming receptionist says: "Welcome to La Rochelle - where are you coming from in the UK?"

"London," we reply.

"Ah! Oui, Londres… this is silly, I know, but I don't suppose you know, er, ze Clivey Danton - ze chap 'oo looks like our own revolutionaire with the same name but who wears a funny, 'ow you say, 'at of the porky pie?"

"Er yes… I do," I say somewhat hesitantly.

"Well don't tell anyone round the old port that you know 'im… it may go badly for you."

Thanking her for the advice, we head for our room and I explain to Lady Fields that this Clivey cove is one of my fellow denizens at The Spoof and while being a top-hole scribe of banging compo entries that always win by a country mile he is known by the rest of us to have some dubious hobbies and habits. "The sort of thing that a delicate thing like you needn't worry yourself about," I add, reassuringly.

Later that evening, enjoying a digestif at a popular, friendly bar, I notice behind the counter a picture of a familiar face bearing the label, "Attention! Le Grand Bum-Bum Anglais!"

Of course, curiosity piqued, I ask the chap behind the bar about the photo.

"Ah… oui. Clivey D… ze Grand Bum-bum Anglais. Ough, eez a 'orrible story. Deux, maybe trois years ago, 'e comes to La Rochelle, dressed like ze matelot, avec ze hoopy shirt et ze beret. 'E spends ze week mincing around ze old port asking 'where are all the nice garcons?' Zen 'e comes into bars like zis and gets out 'is 'ow you say, er Little Clivey, waggles it at ze customers and says, 'Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Please meet the Admiral! How about a little bum-bum?'

"How awful," said Lady Fields, as we wandered back to the hotel. "Think nothing more of it, dear," I soothed.

Well, I wish that were so easy, because, I'm afraid to say the story was repeated, with slight alterations, in our other destinations, where Le Grand Bum-bum Anglais was still remembered with shudders.

Apparently, in Bordeaux, Clivey tried on the same pick-up technique posing as a negociant and touring the great chateaux. At Yqem, apparently, he surprised one owner, 'approaching' him from behind while he sampled the '87! In the evenings he would wander around the café bars in the Place Comedie outside the Grand Theatre and perform an 'introduction' to his member again, 'Allons-y, garcons, anyone fancy this vintage? Pretty noble, eh?'

And in Biarritz - and again, I can only report what I was told - he strolled along the Grand Plage in a blazer, slacks and cravat like some boulevardier, pestering the life guards and unaware surfers as they bent over divesting themselves of their wetsuits. Then later in the evening he would parade the bars and cafes, again with an introduction to his 'chappie', 'Vive L'Empereur! Forget the others, garcons, this is Napoleon the Fourth a votre service.'

A sorry story, I'm sure you'll agree. But, as I say above, it's strictly entre nous.


 
From General Discussion / Brief Moments Of Outstanding Beauty
Posted 4 Sep 12 07:26
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Aaah, you big soft get, Clivey!

(Runs from office and locks himself in the lav where he blubs uncontrollably for ten minutes, before pulling himself together, returns to his desk and determines to maintain a stiff upper lip).

 
From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 3 Sep 12 11:33
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Talking of the great man...

... the little geezer in the red titfer can play a bit too! Love the way the roadies collect his axe at the end!

 
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