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Forum Home / News Discussion / Homo Sapiens Continue to Bludgeon Neanderthals


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Forumbot
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Posted: 6 Apr 17 01:48

Extract from Story:
50,000 BC - Homo Sapiens are continuing their domination over Neanderthals this millennium as they have been over the last ten thousand years establishing a long term trend unprecedented in the Evolutionary League some would call a dynasty. Statistics tell the story. Over the past decade alone Homo Sapiens have over 52,000 murders, 23,000 skull fractures, 14,000 rapes, well over three times the.....

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PLEASE NOTE: The story you are discussing is a JOKE. It is a SPOOF NEWS story written on a SPOOF NEWS website.


victor nicholas
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victor nicholas

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Posted: 6 Apr 17 01:49
Not sure why this has not made a comment, it was written in footy form.

"Vottznewpuzzykatt?"
Monkey Woods
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Monkey Woods

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Posted: 6 Apr 17 15:17 - Edited By: Monkey Woods, 6 Apr 17 15:18
Is this Fake News?

Also, I have a question:

Why, do you suppose, there were 52,000 murders, but only 23,000 skull fractures? Surely, one would be more likely to be injured than be killed outright. Isn't that right, Mummy?

You see, Vic, that's the kind of glaring mistake that cannot be 'got past' someone as eagle-eyed as Detective Inspector Moys Kenwood. It's why I am who I am. I didn't get where I am today without noticing 'discrepancies' such as this one.

Let that be a lesson!

Love,

DI Kenwood
Pigs

To have ambitions, was my ambition
Jaggedone
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Jaggedone

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Posted: 6 Apr 17 19:02 - Edited By: Jaggedone, 6 Apr 17 19:03
VC, I fear that other bunch of marauding monsters, ISIS, now top the charts...Which race do they belong to?

Not the Egg or sack race I fear...

Maybe the headless chicken Derby held in Timbuktu...

Big 5 BTW, nice one...

Nutters United...
victor nicholas
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victor nicholas

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Posted: 6 Apr 17 23:40 - Edited By: victor nicholas, 7 Apr 17 00:06
Monkey my friend

Good practice suggests undertaking research prior to writing a story to create verisimilitude.

One has to factor in the thickness of the Neanderthal's skulls in calculating fatalities and skull cracking.

"Vottznewpuzzykatt?"
Monkey Woods
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Monkey Woods

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Posted: 7 Apr 17 00:41
Vic, mate,

What's that long word beginning with 'v' mean?

Is it like 'very similar'?

Anyway, I gave your story 5 thumbs, regardless of how slapdashly it was presented.

Must try harder.

MW/MK/DW/WM/WS/MM/FB
Spoof Towers
Lancaster

To have ambitions, was my ambition
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 7 Apr 17 19:12
M'Lud,

We gave this one 5, as we admire the sentiment. People take it for granted that here we are lolloping through the hollyhocks spreading joy and angel dust, when we are each of us only here because of (a) being a murderous ruthless bastard and (b) no reason whatsoever.

We understand the confusion about the statistics as the paragraph in question is vague, viz:


Statistics tell the story. Over the past decade alone Homo Sapiens have over 52,000 murders, 23,000 skull fractures, 14,000 rapes, well over three times the number of Neanderthals who lead the tables in sodomy only which is illegal and not allowed.


We prefer to think that it is deliberately so, the article being a satire on articles of this ilk.

Yours the undersigned,

Sophus Barkayo-Tong
Amaninter Axling
Farjole Merrybody
Guttergorm Guttergormpton,
Badly Oronparser
Churm Rincewind
Cleveland Zackhouse
Molonay Tubilderborst
Edeledel Edel
Scorpion de Rooftrouser
Listenis Youghaupt
Frums Gillygottle

The Twelve Red-Bearded Dwarves

SERIOUS ABOUT DRIVEL
victor nicholas
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victor nicholas

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Posted: 7 Apr 17 23:12
Monkey

I understand it may be hard to stand down as a substitute teacher for those learning English as a second language to perform shady business transactions.

One who professed to be a teacher told me her method for grading papers was to throw them all down the stairs and grade them by distance travelled.

Do you find this degree of rigour excessive?


"Vottznewpuzzykatt?"
Monkey Woods
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Posted: 7 Apr 17 23:41 - Edited By: Monkey Woods, 7 Apr 17 23:45
Dear Vick,

I am shocked, not to say 'astounded', at your friend's way of marking papers, and have to say, it reinforces my belief in the quality of our education systems, when I hear that our educators are willing to put in as much effort into grading as she did. She deserves a slap on the back, another one across the face, and yet one more across her bottom - if she's pretty, that is!

(Did you see how I cleverly 'skated around' Erskin's post? I didn't understand all that 'legal jargon' he used!)

Anyway, it's Saturday (well, it is HERE), and that's football day, so I must go and prepare.

Manchester City v. Hull City. A game we could do to win, but probably won't. Ah, the cut and thrust of the beautiful game! The atmosphere - unless it's at Rochdale! The goals - unless it's 0-0. The excitement - unless you're stood in pouring rain on a Tuesday night in Carlisle. In January. Well...er...the beautiful game!

Lovingly yours,

Monkeykins

To have ambitions, was my ambition
victor nicholas
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victor nicholas

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Posted: 8 Apr 17 01:29
I am afraid to think how Hull fans prepare before watching their team take the field. Is strong drink involved?

"Vottznewpuzzykatt?"
Jaggedone
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Posted: 8 Apr 17 09:48
Dearest VC, your question is totally valid because watching Hull kick balls is even worse than observing Man United missing them..

Now where's that damn tequila...?

Nutters United...
Jaggedone
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Posted: 8 Apr 17 09:52
Dear EQ, I fail to see where I would be without your utter madness invading my ageing grey cells...

Six books, an EQ trilogy, plus various other literary gems less...

I stand stoned like a toppled statue of Lenin or swinging effigy of Mussolini in awe at your brilliance...

Nutters United...
Monkey Woods
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Posted: 9 Apr 17 09:52
Dear Doc (that's Vic!),

Preparation CAN involve imbibing oneself with large quantities of 'pop', but not in my case. Instead, I like to assume FULL KIT WANKER status by dressing in the team's kit of black-and-amber-striped shirt, black shorts and black socks. For authenticity, I also wear football boots, though this can be hazardous, particularly when going up or down the stairs, or to the bathroom, which, with its tiled floor, can be difficult to negotiate.

I hope this answers your query.




Quote: Jaggedone

Dear EQ, I fail to see where I would be without your utter madness invading my ageing grey cells...

Six books, an EQ trilogy, plus various other literary gems less...

I stand stoned like a toppled statue of Lenin or swinging effigy of Mussolini in awe at your brilliance...


Is any further evidence needed of this twisted, torrid 'love affair?

Both of you should be ashamed! Of yourselves, and each other!

To have ambitions, was my ambition
victor nicholas
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victor nicholas

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Posted: 9 Apr 17 19:56 - Edited By: victor nicholas, 9 Apr 17 20:22
Monkey

This sounds quite fearsome.

While on vacation recently I ran into a group of lads from Birmingham at the beach, one wearing red socks with Pringles logos on them.

British diplomat standard attire I assume.

"Vottznewpuzzykatt?"
Monkey Woods
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Posted: 10 Apr 17 03:19 - Edited By: Monkey Woods, 10 Apr 17 03:21
Victure,

Did he also have a hanky on his head, with the four corners tied in knots? If so, I know him.

Where was this, exactly? And how do you know they were from Birmingham? You will excuse me casting doubt on your claim, but the problem, as I see it, is, if you had asked them:

"Where are you from, gentlemen?"

and those very fine 'vacationing' gentlemen had responded using 'sounds' issued from their mouths, YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY HAVE UNDERSTOOD THEM, the Birmingham accent being unintelligible to all but people who live in that city.If you doubt my word, even for an instant, please refer yourself to a site on the internet that can demonstrate its unintelligibleness, and you will see what I mean.

Further, the red socks, if BOTH were red, indicates that the wearer had uncannily assured self-dressing ability. Rarely can an Englishman dress himself in two socks of the same colour, and you are a fortunate man, indeed, to have witnessed this.

Love,

Woody Mekons
Leeds

To have ambitions, was my ambition

 
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