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Forum Home / News Discussion / Local Bachelor Prefers Drinking Milk of Froot Loops Over Milk of Coco Puffs


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Forumbot
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Posted: 20 Jan 14 17:35

Extract from Story:
VALDOSTA, GA - Early this morning, local bachelor Logan Green made a startling discovery as he slurped the last drops of milk from his morning bowl of Froot Loops. "I think I like this milk more than I like the Coco Puffs milk," he said, before taking one last sip just to be sure, allowing it to rest on his tongue for a few seconds before announcing "yep - we have a winner." Green, 27, has bee.....

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PLEASE NOTE: The story you are discussing is a JOKE. It is a SPOOF NEWS story written on a SPOOF NEWS website.


Sheepface
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Location: Palm Coast, Fl
Registered: 15 Jan 14

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Posted: 20 Jan 14 17:39
Hey all -

Just started writing for the site, and want to get some feedback on some of the work I've been putting up. If you could, please give this a read and share whatever thoughts you have to help improve the quality of my articles, and I will do the same for you.

Not exactly sure how active this forum is, but I figured I'd give this a shot.

-Sheepface
Monkey Woods
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Monkey Woods

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Posted: 22 Jan 14 07:38
I think this is the best story ever written on The Spoof.

To have ambitions, was my ambition
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

Registered: 15 Oct 07

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Posted: 25 Jan 14 20:44 - Edited By: Erskin Quint, 25 Jan 14 20:44
This is perfect for The Spoof. You don't need tuition on The Spoof. Mention famous people if you want to get hits, that's about it.

PS I prefer 'prefer to' to 'prefer over'.

SERIOUS ABOUT DRIVEL
Jaggedone
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Jaggedone

Location: Back under the bridge!
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Posted: 26 Jan 14 13:07
weird and wonderful


Monkey nutter...
Ellie James
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Ellie James

Location: Texas
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Posted: 31 Jan 14 01:11
Everyone knows chocolate rice krispies has the best milk!


Welcome.

Ellie

Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
Jiminy Crockett
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Registered: 12 Feb 14

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Posted: 14 Feb 14 15:06
I'm new here myself, so take this as just one random person's opinion, but I think it's really funny!

The only editing suggestion I have is to maybe consider ending the piece after the first paragraph, to maximize its impact. I enjoyed the whole thing, but the first paragraph is perfect. It's a really funny idea, and then the pause to retest, reconsider, and confirm the original thought is a perfect follow up. It takes the silly, but poignant and revealing situation, ups the stakes of mock seriousness even further.

It's not a criticism of the rest of it to say, why not go out with a bang? If that's the best part, which in my opinion it is, and you stop there, the entire story becomes fabulous. It's self-contained, it's hilarious, and there's no way to go but down. Why not quit while you're ahead, and go out with a bang?

I laughed out loud when I saw the teaser, and it made me click on the story, but it didn't add a huge amount more to read the whole thing, for me anyway.

I did quite like the part about how he has not yet decided on a major in community college, if he indeed starts next year, at age 27. You could maybe stop right after saying that. But in a way, anything after that brilliant lead feels like coasting to a stop. Just saying he's a bachelor allows you to project on him whatever you need to.

Anyway, I hope you don't take this as a negative. It's one of the best stories I've read on this site, in my two days of awareness of its existence.

And feel free to comment on mine, I just put up a couple myself. In one I took the opposite approach to what I just said above, dragging out a lame pun into a really long, dry article, which I'm not sure works at all; that might have been better served by a one-paragraph version too, now that I think of it. I was just experimenting with delaying the reveal; it's kind of a shaggy dog story.

the other one is also a dumb pun on the word Cosmos really being the plural of the drink cosmo. I originally wrote a bunch of stuff about each actor's shortcomings and annoying qualities, and decided it was just dragging it down; cutting that stuff seemed to help. I'm really just winging it though.

Monkey Woods
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Monkey Woods

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Posted: 17 Feb 14 12:15 - Edited By: Monkey Woods, 17 Feb 14 12:15
Could you be a little more specific, and expand on your viewpoint a bit?

To have ambitions, was my ambition
Jiminy Crockett
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Posted: 18 Feb 14 15:42
OK!

Jiminy Crockett
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Posted: 18 Feb 14 15:45
Actually I think it just proves my point -- it's much harder to write short than long, ut if you take the time to edit down, as I obviously didn't in that case, the results are better for it.

Monkey Woods
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Monkey Woods

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Posted: 19 Feb 14 10:04
Oh, I was only pulling your leg, Jiminy! Say as much as you like! Or as little. Who cares? There's only a few of us left here, seeing as all those others just got up and walked out after that kerfuffle.



By the way, I hope you don't mind me asking, is that your real name - Jiminy?

To have ambitions, was my ambition
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 21 Feb 14 04:08
Was Fergus one of them?

I miss Fergus. He used to put me in my place, God love him.

He was nice. You're nice too Monkey Woods. Sometimes.

But not in chess games. You're a ruthless warrior at the old chess.

Anyway, hope everyone's having fun here.

Toodle pip.

RIP
Monkey Woods
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Monkey Woods

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Posted: 23 Feb 14 07:14

Quote: Skoob1999

Sometimes.





I miss Fergus, too. And Budda. Budda most of all. Oh, and Carina.

To have ambitions, was my ambition

 
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