Discussion Forum

Good Eve.

I'd like if I may to recount a strange and rather wondrous tale of an adventure that befell myself and a small but perfectly deformed number of your fellow Sp**feteers a short while ago, which hopefully will explain our rather sudden, alarming disappearance from the scene.

It was on December 6 2012 in this year of Our Lord that a doughty band of folding, vomiting and bar raising pioneers set sail in the sturdy little slathering sloop, HMS Pinxit, in search of the fabled Coal Hole Grail, which is reputed to be the pint mug from which Ellis drank at The Last Slather just before he was arrested and crucified for bumming without due care and attention.

Unfortunately just as we rounded the treacherous Cape Of Dear Spoof we were blown onto a reef and wrecked by a gust of hot air from Hurricane Mabel just before she made landfall at Inchcock County on the eastern seaboard of Nottingham.

By sheer good fortune 13 souls managed to struggle onto the beach at The Isle Of SSHite, part of the idyllic Acronomy Islands archepelago, where we have been ever since really.

We spend our days arguing, plagiarising each others work and drinking from the various lager fountains that dot the island in between trying to ingratiate ourselves with the dusky, bare-breasted lovelies of the warlike SSHite Tribe who occasionally come down from the hills to give us succour, and any other services we can afford to pay for.

We have also spent some of our time constructing a tiny, rudimentary settlement which we have dubbed Port Lyntypops, consisting of a small nite club "Juanita's Joint" ably stewarded by an oriental member of the caring profession and her 90 year old, ex Bolivian military pantyhose wallah. Our small ad hoc hamlet also boasts a fully functional vomiting bay made entirely from our pubic hair, and a Roman Catholic cathedral, built from driftwood, which we have dubbed "The Church Of Our Lady Of Duboissey" where our lone American fellow castaway "Saint" Francis Of West Virginny spends his Saturday nights at his devotions, pausing momentarily to fire his Saturday Night Special into the ceiling and to urinate in the font. Sadly the place has recently become infested by a small Churchmouse which annoys worshippers by raiding the communion wine cellar and constantly boasting about it's personal wealth and exotic harem of Bavarian totty.

We have taken measures towards effecting our rescue by building a signal fire atop the highest point on the island, Mount Skoob, where we take it in turns to send smoke signals to any passing shipping. Unfortunately a renegade member of our band, the vile compo cheat, and notorious heterosexual, Toe, keeps copying and pasting our smoke before taking it to the other side of the island and making our signals much better and even funnier.

So you see my friends, it is for the reasons above that we are no longer amongst you and has absolutely nothing to do with your ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation or indeed your lack of acronymical dexterity on that true doyen of forum threads. Oh dear me no. That's right out that is!

So let me close by wishing all my dear friends on The Sp**f a very merry Xmas and a happy and above all, a healthy new year.

Love and (((((((HUGZZZ))))))))) from all on The Isle Of SSHite.

Having a wonderful time, wish you were here..................................I expect.

Indeed. The Isle of SSHite is a haven for those of a literacy bent. Although of course it wasn't always like that. Once washed ashore the castaways had to burn the chart that had caused so many others to founder in the belief that they were in a totally different place from where they thought they were.

But now it is a land of slathering, racist, folding, vomiting joy, with not a thought for celebrities or entertainment gossip. A happy band of satirists taking the piss out of all and everything, safe in the knowledge that it's only the quality of writing that counts.

We wish you all a merry Christmas and hope that joy and laughter come your way. - Joy in particular as I'm told that she goes a bit.

LOve & kisses to all.

Churchy - you've got some slather on your shirt, mate. Be a good chap and wipe it off. By Lord Harry! You can't move in here tonight! Inchy! Mine's a pint chum! Now then - where were we...

Oh yes!

Seasons Greetings all!

Festive regards,

Skoob.

Oy! Stop copying and pasting our smoke signals you cad!

---

Quote: Skoob1999

Churchy - you've got some slather on your shirt, mate. Be a good chap and wipe it off. By Lord Harry! You can't move in here tonight! Inchy! Mine's a pint chum! Now then - where were we...

Oh yes!

Seasons Greetings all!

Festive regards,

Skoob.

Oy! Stop copying and pasting our smoke signals you
cad!

---

^^^^^^^ cyber bully, naked altar boy to St Francis Of Duboissey and arch malingerer who always seems to have "a bit of a cold coming on" when it's time to empty the receptacle in the vomiting bay.

Oh yes!

As SSHite Prelate I wish add my Christmas greetings to those of my fellow uncircumscribed Philistines herein gathered on these sunny beaches.

We gathered today for Xmas Mass, 12 apostles and the One True Lord of SSHite, whose name may not be spoken.

Tho there are at least four queens here (maybe six), we have no mudder, yet we are not bereft of succor. So long as the SSHite lasts, we will endeavor to persevere.

Abba, dabba, fucking doobie, doobie doo. Don't bogart that pun my son, pass it over to me.

It was a touch landing on the island, and no mistake, floating around for days we were.

No one dare say what they really felt in case it upset the others. Then Captain Gazza shouts;

"Land hoe men" and we saw this place in the distance. Right shit hole it looked but once we got started ole Captain Gazza saw us through and the place is as chipper as the Isle of Dogs.

Had a few problems with the natives, no one spoke German see, anyway, we insulted them until they folded and fell to the ground whimpering like schoolgirls.

Then to celebrate we marched around shouting out Acronyms to each other in a sort of deluded victory parade. Made me weep it did.

Anyway, I keep's me head down writing on the board and reading the messages other blokes have left. we can write anything we want you know, the guvnor he don't interfere.

Not like the old place where it was ok as long as it wasn't racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-sematic or Funny.

No laughing on week days see, bad for morale and all that, they knew best, seen them wipe out an entire community of satirists with their rules and regulations.

It's a funny old world and no malarkey, one minute your floundering in a sea of detritus, the next your up to your neck in slathering, puking, rodgering and enough humorous banter to keep you going for the foreseeable future. I have been promoted to Skivvy so things is looking up.

Have a Very Merry Christmas Sp**fers

Private Harry Homo

"THE ISLE OF SHITE"
(AN ORIGINAL POEM - CUT, PASTED & IMPROVED BY WONKY)


This royal throne of kings, this scepter'd isle,

This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,

This other Eden, demi-paradise,

This fortress built by Nature for herself

Against infection and the hand of war,

This happy breed of men, this little world,

This precious stone set in the silver sea,

Which serves it in the office of a wall,

Or as a moat defensive to a house,

Against the envy of less happier lands,

This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this beloved ISLE OF SSHITE..

This is what happens when a bod has too many tequilas.

Pass the Ambre Solaire Arm. I fancy a deep Mediterranean suntan. Like that Jodie Marsh sort.

Get in!

Skoob.

Deck Us All With Boston Charlie (Walt Kelly Christmas carol)


Deck us all with Boston Charlie,

Walla Walla, Wash, and Kalamazoo!

Nora's freezin' on the trolley,

Swaller dollar cauliflower Alleygaroo!

Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.

Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola Boola Pensacoola Hullabaloo!


A cool Yule and a frantic first to all!

Bloody hell Philbert!

You at the cooking sherry too?

Have a good one mate!

Skoob.

Fuck me! Is that the lady with the Lamp?
Could have sworn she goes to bed at eight pm.

Must be the noise...........

Merry Bollocks...Pass the sun cream Skoob...

There you go mate...

Oy! Garcon! Get your derriere over here sharpish and fetch me a Splatterworld! That's mother's ruin with angostura bitters.

AND MAKE IT FUCKING PRONTO PIERRE!

"SSHite is as SSHite does."
Forest Gump

There's a sacred and extremely olde Bolivian proverb - handed down from the La Paz Indians..

Recently translated by scholars, it says:-

He Who Laughs Last Laughs Longest


Here endeth the lesson

Seasons greetings! (Bah humbug)

Say hello to the Admiral Crichton for me.

R'DOG