Discussion Forum

No this isn't a thread where you'll be asked to select the best one from a selection of gentlemen dressed in ladies togs as that would be silly and futile because as we all know our Debbie would win by an absolute country mile and piss all over the other cross-dressers with almost laughable ease.

No my friends what's required here is to select a television programme from the listings based on whether it's rather jolly good or conversely a big steaming pile of jobbies.

For example, I notice that tonight on BBC3 at 9.00pm there's something called "I Hate My Body" in which a number of skinny male wretches bemoan the fact that they keep slipping down kerb drains and that you can play a large selection of popular melodies on their ribcages with xylophone sticks.

My answer to them would be. "Yes I expect you do, you tragic bunch of emaciated skinbacks but would you mind not treating me to the sight of your bony little carcasses while I'm trying to wolf down my cheese and crackers!"

I mean to say, there's no need for it is there?

I'm a big fan of a show that's been around for years.

It's called 'The News' and it's on every day just like another show I enjoy called 'The Weather'. Although 'The Weather' can be a little repetative.

Sometimes 'The News' is funny, sometimes sad, but always thought provoking. There's even a spin off show called 'Newsnight'.

How the writers continue to come up with new ideas and characters is beyond me. Some might say that you couldn't make it up. They should get an award or summat for their brilliant creativity.

Simon

PS. My favourite character on 'Newsnight' is Jeremy. He spends the whole time berating the other characters. It's hilarious.

Tonight I'll settle back with some Jameson and watch my favorite British comedy, "Are you being served."

I hope it isn't a rerun.

Really TV Freeview Ch 17 2.00pm.

"Hotter Than My Daughter"

A woman's cautionary tale of how she fought a chip pan blaze in her kitchen while her daughter led an expedition to The North Pole.

"I was Bitten"

A tale of woe from people stupid enough to come into contact with dangerous animals. I laughed into my Bovril (Supplied by Mr Clive Danton) when this large fellow told how he was eaten by a Tiger. The poor animl must have had the shits for a week.



Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

How do they get John Cleese to look so young in "Faulty Towers"? I thought he was in his 80's!

I can hardly wait for next season.

Quest TV Freeview Channel 38 11.00PM

Crime Museum UK With Martin Kemp.

Martin Kemp showcases his acting career after getting the boot from Spandau Ballet for being a Brylcreemed twat.

Really TV Freeview Ch.17 9.00pm

Embarrassing Bodies - Dr Pixie (no really) offers personal hygiene advice to people going on stag and hen nights.

This is of course a euphemism for some absolute mingers being told to get in the bath and have a bloody good Bob Squash.

I went to one of these Facebook gatherings once, where the slavering sex offender and the perennially ugly meet up to lie to each other about how happy they are, and one of the geezers there was a bit like that. In short he was a fat stinking **** with 'orrible yellow gnashers and breath that would fell a charging bull from 100 paces.

Apart from that it was a joy to meet the boy.

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Quote: Clive Danton


I went to one of these Facebook gatherings once, where the slavering sex offender and the perennially ugly meet up to lie to each other about how happy they are, and one of the geezers there was a bit like that. In short he was a fat stinking **** with 'orrible yellow gnashers and breath that would fell a charging bull from 100 paces.

Apart from that it was a joy to meet the boy.

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I knew we'd met somewhere before.

No mate you're a long way from matching the sheer obnoxious qualities of this joker. He's a nonce, a coward, a sleazy two bob fat cunt and a piece of stinking human filth par excellence and if I ever run into the mug again I'll take a tyre iron to him.

How I didn't straighten him the first time I clocked him is a tribute to my fabled sangue froid and my reserved cockney nature.

BBC 3 8.00pm

Great British Railway Journeys

Cliveypops takes the 1.10pm District Line tube to Upton Park before having a skinful in The Queens Arms and then watches West Ham beat Arsenal 500-0 after extra time.

Just checked the TV guide and found a little gem called 'Fraud Squad' on ITV4 at 9pm tonight.

It's all about Scotland Yard investigating a serious case of writing competition fraud.

I shall be watching closely with my notepad in hand.

Simon

Tonight, it's episode 2 of Last Tango in Halifax, and newly engaged Celia (Anne Reid) and Alan (Derek Jacobi) discuss their plans. Celia's idea that instead of buying an engagement ring they should do something new and exiting soon has Alan reaching for the Flora Spreadable.

Simon your cynicism and paranoia does you great credit mate. Keep it up.

Roy I watched the first episode last week and although I thought the plot involving the two septuagenarian FB lovers was a little far fetched, vis a vis high speed car chases etc, the level of acting by both Jacobi and La Reid was so sublime, it papered over a multitude of squealing tyre and melting brake linings sins.

I've yet to watch ep1 but I couldn't resist a little joke for those who know the original Last Tango film. Your recommendation, though, has tempted me to delve into Catch-up for it. Good acting can carry a weak script, I find.

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Quote: Clive Danton

Simon your cynicism and paranoia does you great credit mate. Keep it up.

Roy I watched the first episode last week and although I thought the plot involving the two septuagenarian FB lovers was a little far fetched, vis a vis high speed car chases etc, the level of acting by both Jacobi and La Reid was so sublime, it papered over a multitude of squealing tyre and melting brake linings sins.

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Really TV Freeview Ch 17 9.00pm

"Don't Tell The Bride"

One man's heartbreaking tale of how he sawed his cock off whilst doing some DIY the night before his wedding day.

Warning! This programme contains flashing images and a bloke crying with his nob in his hand

Tonight on BBC Two @ 10.30pm.

'Newsnight' hosted by Jeremy Paxman.

Special guests include, James Twatts, the award winning writer of 'My Cutting And Pasting Hell: The Diary Of A Plagiariser', and Chris McAnus the best-selling author of 'Why Straight Jackets Are My Choice As Comfortable Evening Wear.'

The three gentlemen will discuss the morality of cutting and pasting other peoples work, then improving it to make it better, before passing it off as your own and suffering a colossal meltdown afterwards.

You forgot to remind em that they're repeating it tomorrow night at 12 to 1 mate. Tsk.

Without doubt tonights biggest TV treat is 'Rosemary and Thyme' on ITV3 at 8 pm.

The two flower molesting super-sleuths investigate the death of a British tennis player in Spain. Local cops believe it's an open and shut case of suicide when a note is found next to the stiff's TV. Written in his own blood, it says, "I've just seen the latest episode of 'Rosemary and Thyme' and have lost the will to live. Please look after the geraniums. Ta."

The soil bothering duo aren't having any of it. Well, they wouldn't would they? They suspect foul play.

I can't wait.

It's quarter final day on Professional MasterChef. Double Michelin starred Michel Roux Junior and double-chinned Michelin-man judge Gregg Wallace crank up the pressure as they hunt for Britain's next culinary superstar.

I was flicking through the channels the other night and came across an amazing fly-on-the-wall World War 2 documentary - in technicolour - called 'Allo 'Allo.

It was a real eye-opener for me. I had no idea that the French Resistance played such a critical role in the war by dressing up in disguise as nuns, smuggling valuable paintings inside sausages stuffed down their trousers, and keeping the Germans distracted with saucy waitresses.

However I had suspected that the Gestapo were all kinky pervs though.

I've got a 3D telly. Cost me an arm and a leg. And a foot and a toe.

55"

There's still fuck all on.

I dunno...

Skoob.

TV GOSSIP****TV GOSSIP****TV GOSSIP**** TV GOSSIP**** TV GOSS

Rumours are rife in TV Land that satellite channel E! Sky Ch 151 are to launch a new offshoot channel geared exclusively towards their Yorkshire viewers.

"E Bah Gum" is set to begin transmitting in Mar 2013.

You'll have to be quick to catch tonights televisual delight.

9 pm on BBC 2 Scotland.

Scotland's Greatest Warrior.

The heartwarming story of Wee Jimmy Krankie's rise from council estate ragamuffin to global television star.

Charting her dressing-up-as-a-schoolboy turmoil and how she used it to her advantage by creating an unrivalled comedy double act with her creepy husband Iain.

Truly the greatest warrior Scotland has ever produced.

A slight bending of the rules here.

May I suggest an unmissable show on the wireless.

Radio One 9 pm. 'Westwood.'

Tim, the middle aged son of a vicar, continues with the ridiculous charade that he is a black rapper in his 20's by talking like an idiot and wearing ill fitting sportswear.

Comedy gold. If you've seen Ali G you'll love this.

He'll also be playing some hip hop music inbetween his rib-tickling links.

Great.