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Forum Home / General Discussion / Message From Churchmouse's Exotic Missus Who's Far Too Good For Him


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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 17 Nov 12 14:54
'ello my leetle Breeteesh chums. Churchmouse's exotic missus 'ere.

Ze Churchmouse 'e weel not be participating in ze writing compo zis Saturday because 'e weel be doing, 'ow you say eet?, ze washing up.

Anyway I 'ave told heem it iz futile 'im trying to win because zat compo legend Cliveypops Danton 'e is going to win by ze absolute country mile.

Oh oui!

I 'ave to go now to be making sure ze Churchmouse'e 'as been mucking out ze escargot grooming bay.

Au revoir my leetle petits fours

x

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churchmouse
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churchmouse

Location: France
Registered: 23 Sep 10

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Posted: 17 Nov 12 17:11
Absolute nonsense from our spanner-wielding second best compo participant, who by-the-way has a wife who is not only brighter, but is also way too good for him.

I myself have been busy sharpening the old HB, ready to totally wipe the board with my outpourings once Skoob tells us what the subject is. - He may already have done that, but I'm so confidant that I can produce pure literary gold at the drop of a hat that I haven't checked it yet.

I thought that I might toss-off a short witty piece based on my time in Iceland; wonderful frozen food store without equal. My missus does so love to hear of me reminiscing.

Ah, here she comes now. And she appears to be carrying a large halibut.

Ahh, the noble Halibut. A diner's delight. A true prince among fish on the fishmonger's slab. Why I remember when 'Spotty' Johnson was caught in the science master's cupboard with nothing but a fresh halibut and a table of logarithms. Well, when old Thomas saw what was...

THWACK!!!


THUD.



And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

Location: Convent of the Queer, WV
Registered: 17 Feb 12

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Posted: 17 Nov 12 19:01
What in the Sam-halibut are you droning on about you two?

The only possible reason I might not win this writing comp is because you folks are too cheap to pay my airfare to London and stand me a few rounds!

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
churchmouse
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churchmouse

Location: France
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Posted: 17 Nov 12 19:20 - Edited By: churchmouse, 17 Nov 12 19:21
Don't worry Frankie. In the highly unlikely event that you win the competition - and remember, you are up against not only the oily Danton, but the pristine winner of 'Ex-pat heating engineer of the month (Confolens and district)' - we will order a glass of what Americans call 'Budweiser' and the rest of the world calls 'Tasteless piss' on your behalf.

We won't drink it of course, but we'll try to find a passing tourist to palm it on to.

And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

Location: Convent of the Queer, WV
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Posted: 17 Nov 12 21:43
Well thank you very much you religious rodent, but as I said on another thread: I only drink a cerain dark, Irish beer!

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

Location: Out on a limb
Registered: 5 Sep 08

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Posted: 17 Nov 12 21:58
Liffey Water, Frankie.

Lovely stuff, but it turns your shit black.

Popular misconception: Guinness isn't actually black. In reality it's a very deep and dark shade of red. As can be seen if you shine a bright light through it.

Not the shit - that would just result in a horrible stinky mess - a pint of Guinness.

True that.

Skoob.

RIP
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

Location: Convent of the Queer, WV
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Posted: 17 Nov 12 22:52
Ain't Guinnie beer neither. It's actually a red beer.

BTW, my favorite beer, which I can rarely afford, is Grolsch (sic).

And, for the record, I wouldn't drink Buttwiper Beer on a bet! My hangout sells local, micro brews of which I think you Brits would approve. Most of it is made from cracked barley, mostly horse feeds with a molasses coating. Dark, dark brown stuff with just enough hops to make it smell like skunk piss.

And I'll have a damned story anyway. It'll be about two British guys, one in the US and one in the UK, who use me to allow the two of them to exhange such pleasantries as: "You sir, are a neo-scouser."

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 18 Nov 12 08:10
^^^^^^ Lootenant General in feisty drunken mood there.

BRRRRRRING.......BRRRRRRING

Churchmouse's Exotic Missus - Ello Ello zis ees Chantel ere, the exotic meessees of ze 'ighly overpaid central 'eating botherer Churchmouse. 'ow can I 'elp you?

Moi - Oh ullo Chazza, it's Cliveypops Treacle. Is the guvnor about only I want a quick word with the boy.

CEM - Ello Cliveypopz my leetle Breetesh Renault Five. No 'e is not 'ere. 'e 'as gone to collect 'is wages in ze giant wheelbarrow. Can I 'elp you my leetle petit pois?

Moi - No you're alright Chaz, it's just that old Skoob's got a writing compo on the go and I wanted to ask Gazza whether he was thinking of entering and that.

CEM - Sacre bleu!!! You mean ze Skoob oo is ze doyen of ze Spoof??? But i sought 'e was at bay??

Moi - Yeah well 'e was darlin' but 'is missus told him to sort his self out and get a grip and that.

CEM - Zis meessees you talk about my leetle aide de camp, is she exotic aussi?

Moi - Well she's fairly exotic yes love. Nice lady. Not as exotic as you of course Chazza! Nobody is!!!

CEM - Does she rule ze Skoob with ze rod of iron and 'as she slowly reduced heem to, ow you say eet, ze pussywhipped arseole?

Moi - I'll say she 'as Fruitgum. Why do you think 'e spends 'alf his poxy life at bay love?

CEM - and 'e is starting ze writing compo? But 'e must know zat you are ze compo winning legend of all ze times and zat you will peess all over ze other writers and win by ze abzolute country mile no?

Moi - Yeah I know sweetheart, I feel a bit sorry for the boy to be fair but what can you do girl?

CEM - 'e eez a fool to heemself and will end up crying in ze lonely room like ze beeg blubbering vagina after you have wiped ze floor weeth heem in ze compo my leetle piece de resistance. Now I 'ave to go as I can 'ear ze overpaid pipe bending pomme de terre, 'usband coming in. "ZE CHURCHMOUSE! PUT ZE MONEY IN ZE COAL BUNKER AND GET ON WEETH THE IRONING OF YOUR FRENCH KNEEKERS YOU LEETLE BREETESH TWAT!"

Moi - Alright Chazza. Nice speaking to yers darlin'

CEM - Au revoir Cliveypopz my leetle Eeenglish Cul De Sac.

Click

Ze Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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