Discussion Forum

We haven't run this since 2010.

Haiku is the formal, three-line Japanese poetry genre that has very strict rules (except no one on here ever followed the rules with the exception of me and a dead guy, Yamamoto). We heard he got killed in a plane crash.

Anyway:

The first line is composed of seven syllables.

The second line is composed of five syllables and generally, but not always, has the name of a season.

The third line also consists of seven syllables and is supposed to be a dichotomy of the preceeding two lines.

Note: Due to [popular] demand, we shall forego the rules altogether. 5-7-5 will work just fine. But it is three friggin lines, dammit.

Unless you want more (skoob & Jean). After all is said and done, this is about the worst possible haiku you can write.

This shit is hard.

It is also a waster of time. But a whole lot of spoofers wrote very funny stuff, except for skoob, who refused to follow the formula. And others who went crazy and wrote fifty page (40000 word epics).

I'll begin:

Oh, the sparrow talks to me.
Hope Springs from its breast.
I shot the mother fucker.

Hey, you got it wrong,
It's 5 then 7 then 5,
Like this one, douchebag!

Wikipedia
Says the seasons aren't like ours,
Just flowery shit.

I am a douche-bag, buddy.
Winter is not Spring.
WikiPedia is wrong!

Ok, I'm not going to bicker about the exact format, but I've always known them as 5-7-5. As for the season thing, I'm pretty sure you just need to include a metaphor.
Anyway, here are some bad ones:

My wife died today
Blue lips like a baboon's arse
That's why I killed her

Oh, I missed Countdown
I can catch the repeat on
Channel 4 plus 1

Traffic wardens sit
In Dorking leisure centre
Ticketing people

Whichever stupid bastard
Invented haikus
Should be force to read them all

Numbers One & Four are good!
Two and Three doth Spring.
I'm a flipping idiot.

Really, though, One & Four are too good to qualify for bad!

My name is Ellie
My BFF is Debbie
My haiku is crap



Probably was supposed to rhyme something, but I can't be bothered now.

Ellie

There was a young girl
From Tex down thar in Dallas
Her name was El

-lie (spppppthtt! on the rules!)

I'm not a real girl
But I often get mistook
By drunk morons

Debbie

No way.

I don't do haiku's.

They're worse than fucking acronyms.

IMHO

Regards

Skoob

Oh, my good friend skoob
Hope doth Spring from your trench coat.
You have no penis.

Frankie, matey chum,

You can tease and cajole all you want. But there is no way on God's slightly damp Earth that I am writing haikus.

You can fuck right off.

Next thing is you'll be encouraging me to try sushi. I DON'T DO RAW FISH!

Or origami, or bonsai, and you can stick feng shui right up your arse!

DO YOU HEAR ME?

I like my furniture exactly where it is, I can't stand bits of folded up paper (Even if it does resemble a preying mantis,) and I like my fish cooked.

Preferably in a chippy.

Have it!

Skoob

Solidarity with Skoob
Japanese with no boob
Titless in Tokyo

I found some lube
It was quite an old tube
But it worked

Debbie

It was Astro Glide
What got his monster inside.
Yes! Our Debbie cried.

I really like cheese
The yellower the better
But I do like Swiss



Ellie

Hope springs eternal
From the doctors internal
Oh Chlamydia!

I cried in joy
At Frankie's playful ploy
More! More! More! Big boy.

Debbie

As they leave the starting gate
Haikuers Fall not.
Six furlongs will kill many!

At this early stage, it is apparent that:

(1) Some writers are using this thread as a lonely farts meeting place...

(2) skoob is really pissed that, despite his best efforts he cannot keep away from this thread. He's written 47 haikus but has yet to round up the courage to post one. Source: Mrs. Skoob.

(3) Two writers are capable of writing decently horrible haiku yet post preposterous, stomach wrenching, beautiful verse.

(4) Quentin Muffin is leading the pack by two heads.

The President of European Council Herman Van Rompuy is known for his Haiku.

Here's one of my favourite's of his:

---

Hair blows in the wind,
after years there is still wind,
sadly no more hair.

---

It's funny coz it's self deprecating, innit.

Ok, worst haiku ever:

One, two, three, four, five
One, two, three, four, five, six, sev'n
One, two, three, four, five

It's poetic 'cos the last line's the same as the first, innit?

CS,

That woth truly bad,
Sprung from your bowels, uninspired-
My scrotum doth bounce.

Excrement in trees
Falls quickly in the summer
But not on my head



Ellie

One two three four five
I must confess I prefer sudoku
Six seven eight nine