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Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

Location: Convent of the Queer, WV
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Posted: 26 Sep 12 21:17 - Edited By: Francois Dubois, S.J., 27 Sep 12 16:46
We haven't run this since 2010.

Haiku is the formal, three-line Japanese poetry genre that has very strict rules (except no one on here ever followed the rules with the exception of me and a dead guy, Yamamoto). We heard he got killed in a plane crash.

Anyway:

The first line is composed of seven syllables.

The second line is composed of five syllables and generally, but not always, has the name of a season.

The third line also consists of seven syllables and is supposed to be a dichotomy of the preceeding two lines.

Note: Due to [popular] demand, we shall forego the rules altogether. 5-7-5 will work just fine. But it is three friggin lines, dammit.

Unless you want more (skoob & Jean). After all is said and done, this is about the worst possible haiku you can write.

This shit is hard.

It is also a waster of time. But a whole lot of spoofers wrote very funny stuff, except for skoob, who refused to follow the formula. And others who went crazy and wrote fifty page (40000 word epics).

I'll begin:

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Posted: 26 Sep 12 21:19
Oh, the sparrow talks to me.
Hope Springs from its breast.
I shot the mother fucker.

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
CaptainSausage
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Posted: 26 Sep 12 21:42
Hey, you got it wrong,
It's 5 then 7 then 5,
Like this one, douchebag!

Wikipedia
Says the seasons aren't like ours,
Just flowery shit.


Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Posted: 26 Sep 12 22:00
I am a douche-bag, buddy.
Winter is not Spring.
WikiPedia is wrong!

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
CaptainSausage
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Posted: 26 Sep 12 22:54
Ok, I'm not going to bicker about the exact format, but I've always known them as 5-7-5. As for the season thing, I'm pretty sure you just need to include a metaphor.
Anyway, here are some bad ones:

My wife died today
Blue lips like a baboon's arse
That's why I killed her

Oh, I missed Countdown
I can catch the repeat on
Channel 4 plus 1

Traffic wardens sit
In Dorking leisure centre
Ticketing people

Whichever stupid bastard
Invented haikus
Should be force to read them all


Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Posted: 26 Sep 12 23:21
Numbers One & Four are good!
Two and Three doth Spring.
I'm a flipping idiot.

Really, though, One & Four are too good to qualify for bad!


"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Ellie James
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Ellie James

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 01:39
My name is Ellie
My BFF is Debbie
My haiku is crap



Probably was supposed to rhyme something, but I can't be bothered now.

Ellie

Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
Jean Le Fete
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Jean Le Fete

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 02:46
There was a young girl
From Tex down thar in Dallas
Her name was El

-lie (spppppthtt! on the rules!)

It's not that I can't help these people it's just, I don't want to. - Tom Hanks - Volunteers
IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 08:14
I'm not a real girl
But I often get mistook
By drunk morons

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 16:39
No way.

I don't do haiku's.

They're worse than fucking acronyms.

IMHO

Regards

Skoob

RIP
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 16:49
Oh, my good friend skoob
Hope doth Spring from your trench coat.
You have no penis.

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 17:15
Frankie, matey chum,

You can tease and cajole all you want. But there is no way on God's slightly damp Earth that I am writing haikus.

You can fuck right off.

Next thing is you'll be encouraging me to try sushi. I DON'T DO RAW FISH!

Or origami, or bonsai, and you can stick feng shui right up your arse!

DO YOU HEAR ME?

I like my furniture exactly where it is, I can't stand bits of folded up paper (Even if it does resemble a preying mantis,) and I like my fish cooked.

Preferably in a chippy.

Have it!

Skoob

RIP
Jaggedone
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Jaggedone

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 18:35
Solidarity with Skoob
Japanese with no boob
Titless in Tokyo

Monkey nutter...
IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 22:07
I found some lube
It was quite an old tube
But it worked

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Posted: 27 Sep 12 22:56
It was Astro Glide
What got his monster inside.
Yes! Our Debbie cried.


"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Ellie James
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Ellie James

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Posted: 28 Sep 12 02:32
I really like cheese
The yellower the better
But I do like Swiss



Ellie

Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
Quentin Muffin
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Quentin Muffin

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Posted: 28 Sep 12 05:18
Hope springs eternal
From the doctors internal
Oh Chlamydia!

IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 28 Sep 12 06:49
I cried in joy
At Frankie's playful ploy
More! More! More! Big boy.

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Posted: 28 Sep 12 11:53 - Edited By: Francois Dubois, S.J., 28 Sep 12 11:55
As they leave the starting gate
Haikuers Fall not.
Six furlongs will kill many!



At this early stage, it is apparent that:

(1) Some writers are using this thread as a lonely farts meeting place...

(2) skoob is really pissed that, despite his best efforts he cannot keep away from this thread. He's written 47 haikus but has yet to round up the courage to post one. Source: Mrs. Skoob.

(3) Two writers are capable of writing decently horrible haiku yet post preposterous, stomach wrenching, beautiful verse.

(4) Quentin Muffin is leading the pack by two heads.

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Mark
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Mark

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Posted: 28 Sep 12 12:35
The President of European Council Herman Van Rompuy is known for his Haiku.

Here's one of my favourite's of his:


Hair blows in the wind,
after years there is still wind,
sadly no more hair.


It's funny coz it's self deprecating, innit.

Spoofing all over the world
CaptainSausage
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Posted: 28 Sep 12 19:47
Ok, worst haiku ever:

One, two, three, four, five
One, two, three, four, five, six, sev'n
One, two, three, four, five

It's poetic 'cos the last line's the same as the first, innit?


Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Posted: 29 Sep 12 01:17
CS,

That woth truly bad,
Sprung from your bowels, uninspired-
My scrotum doth bounce.


"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Ellie James
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Ellie James

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Posted: 29 Sep 12 01:24
Excrement in trees
Falls quickly in the summer
But not on my head



Ellie

Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
radiogagger
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radiogagger

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Posted: 29 Sep 12 01:36
One two three four five
I must confess I prefer sudoku
Six seven eight nine


'How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything'
T Harv Eker
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

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Posted: 29 Sep 12 05:56
At two furlongs into the race, Ellie James, with a mighty crappy haiku, leads the pack. Sesame Street's Count has two thoroughbreds in the race, running neck to neck in the middle of the pack.


"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48

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