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Forum Home / General Discussion / That Clivey Danton - strictly entre-nous… know what I mean?


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Ellis Ian Fields
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Ellis Ian Fields

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 11:24
Ah… back and refreshed.

Hi everyone. Just had a couple of weeks investigating some of the western reaches of La Belle France. Very nice too - lovely friendly people everywhere, very patient with my crap French but… when folks found out we were from London, there were moments of slight hesitation. For example: at check-in at Hotel St Nicolas at La Rochelle, the charming receptionist says: "Welcome to La Rochelle - where are you coming from in the UK?"

"London," we reply.

"Ah! Oui, Londres… this is silly, I know, but I don't suppose you know, er, ze Clivey Danton - ze chap 'oo looks like our own revolutionaire with the same name but who wears a funny, 'ow you say, 'at of the porky pie?"

"Er yes… I do," I say somewhat hesitantly.

"Well don't tell anyone round the old port that you know 'im… it may go badly for you."

Thanking her for the advice, we head for our room and I explain to Lady Fields that this Clivey cove is one of my fellow denizens at The Spoof and while being a top-hole scribe of banging compo entries that always win by a country mile he is known by the rest of us to have some dubious hobbies and habits. "The sort of thing that a delicate thing like you needn't worry yourself about," I add, reassuringly.

Later that evening, enjoying a digestif at a popular, friendly bar, I notice behind the counter a picture of a familiar face bearing the label, "Attention! Le Grand Bum-Bum Anglais!"

Of course, curiosity piqued, I ask the chap behind the bar about the photo.

"Ah… oui. Clivey D… ze Grand Bum-bum Anglais. Ough, eez a 'orrible story. Deux, maybe trois years ago, 'e comes to La Rochelle, dressed like ze matelot, avec ze hoopy shirt et ze beret. 'E spends ze week mincing around ze old port asking 'where are all the nice garcons?' Zen 'e comes into bars like zis and gets out 'is 'ow you say, er Little Clivey, waggles it at ze customers and says, 'Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Please meet the Admiral! How about a little bum-bum?'

"How awful," said Lady Fields, as we wandered back to the hotel. "Think nothing more of it, dear," I soothed.

Well, I wish that were so easy, because, I'm afraid to say the story was repeated, with slight alterations, in our other destinations, where Le Grand Bum-bum Anglais was still remembered with shudders.

Apparently, in Bordeaux, Clivey tried on the same pick-up technique posing as a negociant and touring the great chateaux. At Yqem, apparently, he surprised one owner, 'approaching' him from behind while he sampled the '87! In the evenings he would wander around the café bars in the Place Comedie outside the Grand Theatre and perform an 'introduction' to his member again, 'Allons-y, garcons, anyone fancy this vintage? Pretty noble, eh?'

And in Biarritz - and again, I can only report what I was told - he strolled along the Grand Plage in a blazer, slacks and cravat like some boulevardier, pestering the life guards and unaware surfers as they bent over divesting themselves of their wetsuits. Then later in the evening he would parade the bars and cafes, again with an introduction to his 'chappie', 'Vive L'Empereur! Forget the others, garcons, this is Napoleon the Fourth a votre service.'

A sorry story, I'm sure you'll agree. But, as I say above, it's strictly entre nous.


No-one speaks English and everything's broken.
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 11:57
Welcome back Ellis!

(Not in a gay way.)

Skoob.

RIP
IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 13:18
Nice* to see you, Ellis.

I've got to say, it wasn't me. It was all that Clive fellow. I'm easily led.

Debbie

*Do you see what I did there? I used a French town to start my post. Witty literary genius; that's me.

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 14:28

Quote: IainB

Nice* to see you, Ellis.

I've got to say, it wasn't me. It was all that Clive fellow. I'm easily led.

Debbie

*Do you see what I did there? I used a French town to start my post. Witty literary genius; that's me.


I was going to ask if Ellis had been to Nancy just to ingratiate myself with that Clive fella. He's very influential y'know. I think he secretly fancies Ellis as well.

Simon

PS. As you can see, there is no witty literary genius in my post. As per usual.

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 15:39
Sacre bleu! Au secatuers! Zut alors! The Undersea World Of Jacques Cousteau! Que liberte diabolique!!!!

I come here after a grueling day bolstering the British economy in a noble attempt to stop the French buying Hamleys only to be confronted with THIS!!!

I wouldn't mind chaps but you appear to be ganging up on me using a ratio somewhere in the region of......hang on let's have a quick count up *removes shoes and socks* Christ I knew it! You're only using a ratio of 12 to bastard one!!!

Anyways my friends rumours of my poovery in Paris have been very seriously exaggerated and just like The Dorking Review (Part 2 soon to be available at all good book stores as soon as Debbie's submitted all her bloody copy *seethe*) is a tissue of lies and furthermore Monsewer Fields can fully expect a rather brusque and businesslike missive from my legal representatives in very short order indeed!

Harsh, shameful, defamatory and just the sort of gutter commentary I've come to expect from members of the Coal Hole Firm who wont be satisfied until they've driven us all from the forum using capital letters after spoiling it for other people.

I've half a mind (shut it Skooby) to completely blow my composure and go whining to the girlies like a great big mewling, blubbering vagina!

Ooooooh I could scratch yer eyes out!

*turns on heel, straightens seams furiously and minces off into setting sun*


THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Ellis Ian Fields
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Ellis Ian Fields

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 16:06
Hey, Clivey... calm down. I'm only telling what those Frenchies told me. I'm sure we'd all love to hear your side of the story. Purely for balance you understand. I mean - I was shown some pretty damning photos (has to be said you did cut a dashing - if somewhat camp - figure round Biarritz Grand).

No-one speaks English and everything's broken.
IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 16:52

Quote: Clive Danton
(Part 2 soon to be available at all good book stores as soon as Debbie's submitted all her bloody copy *seethe*)


Well, if you hadn't had me sat on the edge of your desk taking down your dictation, I'd have had time, wouldn't I? I thought Churchy had it all. But apart from him having it all, I'm pretty (!) sure that I've sent him stuff. Call me, Churchy if I haven't... [bats eyelashes, one falls off].


Quote: Clive Danton
I've half a mind (shut it Skooby) to completely blow my composure and go whining to the girlies like a great big mewling, blubbering vagina!

Ooooooh I could scratch yer eyes out!

*turns on heel, straightens seams furiously and minces off into setting sun*


I knew I could turn you. Giggle.

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
churchmouse
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churchmouse

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 17:47

Yeah, don't worry Debs. It's all in snerk, snerk

Rob is busy touching-up the artwork Oh-er!

And once I've got the window to use NASA's Cray super-computer to do the spell check on Danton's stuff we should be almost there.

BTW, waved at Ellis from the battlements of 'chez-moi' as he went past, and was pleased to see that the old 2CV was making good progress.

Not sure about the passenger though. Thought I knew the face, but couldn't put my finger on it. So to speak.



And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 18 Sep 12 22:03
I've told Rob to stop touching up the 'artwork', so he's going to leave me alone and go and do some work.

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 19 Sep 12 03:48
Debbie

Can I be a woman too?

I was thinking in terms of a Tracy. That sort of thing.

We could be the fat slags!

That'd sort the bastards out!

Tracy.

RIP
IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 19 Sep 12 06:39
Of course you can, Skoob.

A word of warning, once you've felt the swish of a skirt against bare legs, there is no going back.

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Ellis Ian Fields
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Ellis Ian Fields

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Posted: 19 Sep 12 07:51
Flippy neck and flamy nora! I've just seen that completely unjustified attack launched on my character by that Clivey D - taking advantage of my annual sojourn. What a cheap thing he is! I'm now very glad I heard all those unseemly stories about his behaviour in France and shared them with my friends here.

No-one speaks English and everything's broken.
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 19 Sep 12 17:10
Yes good evening Ellis. I'm afraid of you you know. SORE AFRAID!

Now then I think the best expose of your unsavoury bottom based antics comes in the Comrades thread. A thread started by Churchmouse, the only bummer that ever came out of the East End of London and who rather pathetically married an exotic missus so his overpaid heating engineer colleagues wouldnt think he wanted to bum them, but in truth he's fooling nobody. DO YOU HEAR ME DAMN YOUR BLASTED EYES???............NOBODY!!!!

GNNNNNNNNNN!

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM

 
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