This forum does not allow guest posting. You must register to participate in this forum.

Messages ordered by earliest posts first
All times are GMT

Forum Home / General Discussion / iPad?......iPod?.....iThick


[This topic is LOCKED]

AuthorMessage
Clive Danton
This user is offline Writer
Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 1 Sep 12 08:50
Good evening. Is this the right room for a slather?

Now then chaps just a quick one....Yes, yes I know I said "Now then" Grow up!

Last evening my infinitely better behaved albeit slightly less pretty other half expressed a desire....steady! .... expressed a desire to seize ownership of one of these hand held Apple jobbies so that she can annoy all the little kiddiwinks in the family by flashing her benign, grinning dial up on their devices while they're trying to surf hardcore bongo sites using an app which I believe goes by the name of Facetime.

The question I have for you this morning my fellow gangstas and members of the "in crowd" is this. Which current bewildering device will best suit her purpose given that her knowledge of cyber gaming has barely gone beyond mastering level 2 on Space Invaders and trying not to get squished by a lorry 2 seconds after starting Frogger. I on the other hand am a seasoned pro who has managed to bat that little white ball back and forwards for up to half a minute a time on my Binatone Tennis Pro game *swells mighty chest with pride*

Please take into consideration that price is of paramount importance here as I dont particularly want to sell my candy ass in Shepherds Market to pay for the ****. (it's my day off)

Gentlemen and any members of the opposite species that may be reading this.....I thank you.

Disclaimer. All rights reserved and any person or persons attempting to copy and paste this message or in any way trying to change its content to make it "much better and even funnier" will be fucked off down the road by the guvnor and spend the rest of their life being laughed and pointed at in the street. XMIVIIXVII.......ETC.



THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Clive Danton
This user is offline Writer
Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 1 Sep 12 09:54
Look can you hurry up with the sage, well informed advice please only we're going in a minute and if I end up getting the wrong generation one that doesn't have Facetime as standard and as a result top up being smashed over the swede with a cast iron skillet I'll copy and paste the assault and make it even more hurtful and far less funny than it originally was before sending it via a deranged and jibbering pm to the inbox of every last miserable man and woman jack of yers!

Wuff oo.

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Sidney Bollocks
This user is offline Writer
Sidney Bollocks

Location: Brisbane, Australia
Registered: 6 Sep 10

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 1 Sep 12 10:41



You need Debbie, mate.

But she's never around when you want her.




Ellie James
This user is offline Moderator
Ellie James

Location: Texas
Registered: 8 Apr 11

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 1 Sep 12 11:12
I have an Android. I don't do iphones because here in the Us, they drop calls all the time. Facetime is like skype and you can download it (skyoe) on most smart phones. Besides....Debbie doesn't have an iphone either I don't think.

Ellie

Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
Ellis Ian Fields
This user is offline Writer
Ellis Ian Fields

Location: Dunno - it's so very dark
Registered: 9 Dec 09

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 1 Sep 12 12:09
Jeez, Clivey - I've had Blackberry for more than a year and I'm still not sure how to use it...

No-one speaks English and everything's broken.
IainB
This user is offline Gentle with me
IainB

Location: (noun) a particular place
Registered: 7 Oct 08

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
 Website
Posted: 1 Sep 12 12:54
Go Android

Samsung's Galaxy Pad 2 (10.1) is the Bees Knees. It blows the iPad out of the water.

Because it's open source, the range of apps is vast, it's already overtaken the iStore, thanks to Apples restrictions on what they'll sell. There are also far more 'free' apps paid for with an internet connection and an ad or two.

I got the Galaxy S3 phone, and it's converted 2 iPhone users onto Android, and another is wavering.

This is why Apple have launched a law suit on Samsung which they won in the American courts to the tune of a billion dollars.

If I was Samsung, I'd stop selling Apple the chips for their iPhones....

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Ellie James
This user is offline Moderator
Ellie James

Location: Texas
Registered: 8 Apr 11

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 1 Sep 12 15:18
I knew Debbie had an Android!

Ellie

Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
IainB
This user is offline Gentle with me
IainB

Location: (noun) a particular place
Registered: 7 Oct 08

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
 Website
Posted: 1 Sep 12 17:50
I have an app-titude for it.

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Clive Danton
This user is offline Writer
Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 2 Sep 12 03:40 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 2 Sep 12 03:42
Now then.

Firstly I'd like to thank you all for your sagacity and forbearance in guiding a poor technophobe through the bewildering maze that is buying little metal and plastic things that click and whirr and play music and that.

I particularly would like to thank Ian who manfully/womanfully tried to explain the technical aspect of choosing a device despite being hideously drunk at the time. So thanks mate

We ended up purchasing something called an iPod which she chose because it had "a nice shiny back"....if I'd known that was her preference I'd have bought her a fucking dolphin, it would have been cheaper

Anyways I've downloaded the manual online and have currently reached Chapter 116 Fig. 4. and hope to have it out of the little perspex box anytime now.

Ellis. re your one year old blackberry. Stick it in a crumble with a few stewed apples and give it to the old woman for pudden. She'll never notice, trust me old son.

*taps side of nose sagely and goes to Chapter 117. Fig 2. Putting The Discarded Perspex In The Recycle Bin*

PS. Does anyone know how often I should change the oil?

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
IainB
This user is offline Gentle with me
IainB

Location: (noun) a particular place
Registered: 7 Oct 08

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
 Website
Posted: 2 Sep 12 09:49 - Edited By: IainB, 2 Sep 12 09:53
iPod oil needs to be changed every ten years. There's a small hole in the rear of the device that will either be marked 710 or OIL depending on which way up the device is held.

Do not attempt to change the oil any more frequently than once a decade, as this can impair the performance of the device during a full moon.

As iPod's become obsolete after thirty minutes, and are replaced by a new version that does not fit with any of the peripherals that have been purchased for the previous version, it has not been noticed that there is no 710 port on the iPod.

iPod's are slightly better than dolphins in terms of their musical ability, but dolphins have more apps available, due to dolphins eschewing the free market ethos of Apple.

I hope the good lady Danton will be happy with her iPod, but if I ever meet her, I'll swap advice on eyeliner for technological advice, and why she would have been better with a vinyl record player.

Debbie

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
radiogagger
This user is offline Writer
radiogagger

Location: FM and DAB.
Registered: 29 Dec 11

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
 Website
Posted: 2 Sep 12 15:22

Quote: Clive Danton

We ended up purchasing something called an iPod which she chose because it had "a nice shiny back"....if I'd known that was her preference I'd have bought her a fucking dolphin, it would have been cheaper




Clive me old mucker, you of all people should know if you wanna buy a dolphin get yourself down to Club Row on a sunday morning and ask the bloke selling exotic birds has he got 'anything else' in the back of the van?

Yours in Befnal
R'DOG


'How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything'
T Harv Eker
Clive Danton
This user is offline Writer
Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 2 Sep 12 16:21
Ian my son the good lady Danton's not happy with anything. Not even me! I mean wha the!

RG I'm on it tosh, just trying to find the sump plug on this poxy iPod. Bloody British toot! I knew I should have got a Honda NipBox

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Clive Danton
This user is offline Writer
Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

 Forum Profile
 Writer's Profile
Posted: 5 Sep 12 17:19
iPOD UPDATE******iPOD UPDATE*****iPOD UPDATE******iPO....

Now then I seem to have mastered the basics of the contraption having spent 2 days and nights learning how to clean the screen using a slightly damp cloth.

One of the first things I noticed is that the camera on Facetime would make Brad Pitt and Rachel Weiss look like Wayne and Waynetta Slob. Even my beautiful, doll-like 5 year old granddaughter Lucia had me vomiting long and loud into a bucket when I clocked her hideously distorted little dial looming out at me.

"Christ you look like hell princess!" I remarked rather thoughtfully.

"You still look very nice though" she accurately replied.

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings eh folks?

Did I ever tell you that Ellis is a complete wassock?

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM

 
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

Go to top

Forum permissions

You are not logged in.

  • You cannot create new topics in this forum
  • You cannot post new messages in this forum
  • You cannot add polls
  • You cannot link to external images in this forum
  • You cannot upload images in this forum
  • You cannot upload files in this forum

Who is online?

There is 1 registered user currently online: 1 is active , none are currently inactive .

Users online:


Profile Featured Writer

Jack Van Gump
Jack Van Gump
Joined: 21 May 2004
Stories Written: 9

Go to top ^