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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 23 Jun 12 05:44 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 23 Jun 12 05:45
I'm diving down to Lidle with the old woman a bit later old son. Do you want me to pick up a few bits for yers?

They doing a special on Nordwaldteler Wholegrain Oats and knocking em out for 37 pee for a 500g packet.

Admittedly they look and taste a bit like the sweepings from the deck in a Shanghai 4 Ale bar the morning after the Chinese New Year but if you shove in a handle of that mixed fruit what the bints sometimes put in cakes and add a couple of tablespoons of sugar it's not too shabby to be fair.

Failing that I'll pick you up a couple of tins of mackerel in a creamy tomato sauce. They've gone up from 89 to 90p but you cant put a price on good wholesome scoff can yers mate.

Be round about dinner time sheriff so stick the kettle on son.

Sweet!

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Inchcock
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Inchcock

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Posted: 23 Jun 12 08:21
Hello hello hello Clivey,

Nordwaldteler Wholegrain Oats? They are the sweepings from the deck in a Shanghai 4 Ale bar the morning after the Chinese New Year!

That Lidl have some decent stuff in un that really - it's just their habit of overchargin' me that get me goat!

That reminds me, must look at the Caption Competition.

Can yer get some bacon forus mate? I'll pay yer when me pension comes through!

Kettles ready cocker!

I even salvaged a saucepan wot I burnt last week - things are lookin' up!

Must try not to fall asleep so often.

Taketh well care, and remember:
No island is a man on Wednesday half-day closing in Huddersfield with too many crooks!

Inchy

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 23 Jun 12 09:50
Dear Inchy

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm just putting me gladrags on, and then I'm off to that London to meet up with the infamous slathering Gang Of Four at some seedy dive in East London where the beer costs about twelve quid a pint, and where one of the swines has probably taped a shooter to the toilet cistern in anticipation of a clean hit.

I expect I'll be 'retired' before sunset.

Martin 'The Dwarf' Shuttlecock
Titchfield.

RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 23 Jun 12 11:59
Dear Inchy

I got you a bit of smoked back, a tin of mackerel in a creamy dill sauce and a nice bit of brisket.

Don't worry about Skooby old son. We only ever kill and maim our own in the East End. Can't promise I won't "tune 'im up" a bit though.

I just need to wet my beak



THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Inchcock
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Posted: 23 Jun 12 18:30
Martin 'The Dwarf' Shuttlecock,

I hope you have managed to get through the day safely?
Did you know that many visitors to Titchfield Abbey have disappeared while looking for the The Titfield Thunderbolt over the last few years? - just thought I'd mention it, by way of relieving your fear and concern with the heroic history making rendezvous in the capital of George Dixon fame.

Remember not to forget at all times, that essentially today is history in the making.

What day is it?

Take great care... please!

Inchy



Clivey,

Thanks for the smoked backed bacon, the tin of mackerel in a creamy dill sauce and the nice bit of brisket. I can't understand it, but the brisket would not fit into me biscuit tin?

Please take care of Skoob when he arrives, and explain the things he comes across that he is not used to, like nepotism, electricity, and cut-throat razors.

Many tanks, or even thanks.

Inchy


Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Skoob1999
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Posted: 23 Jun 12 23:47
Hello Inchy old bean,

I met up with the gang of four, which is now the gang of five, and I have now returned home.

It pissed down all the way.

Mental Bolivian last sighted at Embankment tube station.

East Enders missing in action. Artist last sighted hobbling towards the Blind Beggar.

You didn't miss much. Soft Southern bastards are all lightweights. I spent half the afternoon yawning, slathering, having multitudinous meltdowns, and basically dehydrating.

They drink like girls.

*Thud!*

SHkoBo



RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 24 Jun 12 07:58
^^^^^ Coal In The Dickens Crew Razor King aka "Jonny Come Lately".

Dear Inchy

I'm writing this from the airing cupboard where I spent an uncomfortable night burning my arse on the hot water cylinder and folding the bed linen.

A most bodacious time was had by each and every member of The Big Five particularly Pinxit who spent countless happy hours making sure I had the seat unprotected from the rain by the brolly and blowing the froth from CJ's cocoa.

Skoob and RG had a rumbustious and extremely bloody knife fight but eventually they managed to get the top off Radio's bottle of Old Churchmouse Junior Nursing Pop.

We spoke of you at some length and eventually came to the conclusion that you're our "besht mate yoush are"

I wont be going to Lidl today sadly old chap as I'll be spending the morning with my head under the duvet effing and blinding whenever Bells On Sunday comes on Radio 4 so if you need a few bits fetching in please ask one of the others or nip out yourself.

Dont forget to turn off the gas.

Yours etc

Clivey "The Baby Faced Asassin" Dee
22 Liver Disease Approach
Hangover City
Hades




THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Posted: 24 Jun 12 10:07
Dear Inchy

As you can probably see, Clivey 'The Enforcer' D and myslef got home in one piece, but as for the Dapper Don, the Consigliere, and the Health Adjustment Officer, we ain't counted them back in yet.

Pleased to report that everyone was on their best behaviour. Only seven dead, three maimed and a dozen scarred for life.

Legendary East Ender, Tommy Steele reported that he'd never seen anything like it in his life.

Omerta

Skoob.

RIP
Jaggedone
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Posted: 24 Jun 12 10:32 - Edited By: Jaggedone, 24 Jun 12 10:33
I do not wish to get involved in your fun and games, but I do wish to welcome Inchy back amongst us and having him as a Facebook friend and a fan of Erskine!

He's a true gentleman! And stay healthy man!

Monkey nutter...
Skoob1999
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Posted: 24 Jun 12 11:17
Dear Inchy

Ah, that was sweet. If you're ever short of a bit of Edam, I'm sure Jaggedone will sort something out for you.

Kindest

Martin Shuttlecock.

RIP
Jaggedone
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Jaggedone

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Posted: 24 Jun 12 11:27
Liefsde Inchy; geen problem!

Monkey nutter...
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 24 Jun 12 13:56 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 24 Jun 12 14:07
JAGGLYWAGGLYWIGGLYWOGGLYWOOOOOOOOOO!

WEEL U BEE MYE FACEBUK FREND SEW WEE CAN TAWK ABART ERSSKEEN AND UR BOOK WOT YOU NEVER MENSHUN. THEN WEE CAN TAWK ABART OWR BOOTYFUL ANGLE JAID GOODLEE OO WUZ TAYKEN FRUM UZ BY KANCA AND THAT.

THEN EYE WEEL SEND U A PICHURE OV MYE BIG HAIREE NOB.

GAWD LUV AND SAYVE OWR PRESHUS DEAD ANGLE JAYNE GODLEE

JAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

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Posted: 24 Jun 12 14:44


Dear Inchy

Great news! My latest play, Little Henry and His Struggle Against The Goat-Shaggers, went down a treat yesterday.

Wot's more, nobody vomited. Anyway, I got you the bubble-wrap plus a half-price can of Portugese Pilchards in brine. All in the post my son.

Anyway again.. Why is it that writers turn into ponsified homosexuals the moment they get published?

Not to worry,

Life's too short to wear see-through knickers,

Love from Wonky





RIP
Skoob1999
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Posted: 24 Jun 12 14:54
Dear Inchy

I'd just like to point out to the wonky eyed temptress that there's nothing wrong with being homosexual. The only difference between homosexual people and heterosexual people is that they have different ideas of enjoyment, be it in the bedroom or up against a skip in a pub car park.

Other than that, and a fondness for Judy Garland we're all the same under the skin.

Regards

Skoob. (Past it anyway.)

RIP
Inchcock
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Inchcock

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Posted: 24 Jun 12 20:08
Skoob:
A fondness for Judy Garland?
Does my fondness for Fatima Whitbread count?
I'm glad you got through the ordeal safe and relatively sound, well done!
Taketh much care.

Wonky:
Life's too short to wear see-through knickers? - Now you tell me!
I'm looking forward to the postman coming! - Thanks

Jag:
Thanks, a gent yourself!
Now... where's me hearing aids?

Clivey:
Thanks I think.
I wus watchin' Brighton Rock, (A dark, moody film noir permeated by the "tang of fish and chips," this is one of the finest British gangster films you'll see) the uver day, was that you playin' the part of the look-out, or Pinkie?

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
pinxit
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Posted: 25 Jun 12 15:36 - Edited By: pinxit, 25 Jun 12 15:37
Dear Inchy,

For gawdssake don't encourage Cliveypops' to talk about his "pinkie". He'll only whip it out in a flash and embarrass all and sundry.

At least, he did on Saturday.

I'm here to tell you those Thames River Police are greedy buggers. It took an awful lot of spondulicks to persuade them not to frog-march him by his pony-tail to Newgate slammer and throw away the key...

The Colonel was in a right strop when a barmaid spilled his yard-of-merlot over his new Armani chiffon number; Skoob fell from the skies all a'slather after having his sorry arse booted all the way from the Tower to the pub by a pair of obstreperous Beefeaters (don't ask); RG turned out to be a woman of mystery from Kazakhstan, and the bastards forced me at gun-point to buy all the rounds... in a thong, jackboots and gimp mask.

It was five hours of my life I'll never get back.

Apart from that, nothing to report.

Pinx

PS The tin of tripe in evaporated milk is in the post.

Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 25 Jun 12 19:46
She isnt very hairy despite looking like she does. I am worried about your eyesight Inchy so promise me you will pop into the optician on your way to or from Lidl



Quote: Inchcock

Skoob:

Does my fondness for Fatima Whitbread count?



Watching paint dry
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

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Posted: 5 Jul 12 18:12
Dear Inchy,

Ey took young Parp a scrivens along the mungeon she was all a cock lumpon, course, ey says she ort have a fessop, but no
ers a wantin thrum afore the night owl sings. Wat a man to do? Shall ey give the hoho or is it the thuttock?


Yours in Hope

Arble Nosingfot
Home Farm
Diss

You aint seen me.....right
Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

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Posted: 5 Jul 12 18:39

Dear Inchy

Regarding that marvellous last sentence from your esteemed correspondent Mr Arble Nosingfot.

I now firmly believe that Mr Nosingfot is the one and only true son of your esteemed writer and comedian, Mr Spike Millingtown..

With more than a sprinkle of the seriously young Peter Cock thrown in..

So - Credit where credit's due..

Is it not high time that Mr Arble Nosingfot was recognised as an absolute literary genius here on The Spoof?

Och aye the noo..

Sincerely,

Daphne Cathcart
Frobisher's Junior High School
West Virginia


RIP
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 5 Jul 12 18:54
Some people are going to be loving this.

No names.

Regards

No 6

RIP
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

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Posted: 5 Jul 12 19:29
Dear Inchy,

Ey wos not akin with yon cousin a frum weesle. Is thu lad a duffin? Or wus it a finnin? owever, he seems a cock ganderin of imseln fu lolipin a yarnot! Ees gawn an selt all off yon emsole thar in parts. Never mind, flange eh.


Molefunt Effing
Cousin of Arble
Hil Farm
Crouch

You aint seen me.....right
radiogagger
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radiogagger

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Posted: 6 Jul 12 13:01

Quote: pinxit

Dear Inchy,
; RG turned out to be a woman of mystery from Kazakhstan, and the bastards forced me at gun-point to buy all the rounds... in a thong, jackboots and gimp mask.

It was five hours of my life I'll never get back.

Apart from that, nothing to report.

Pinx

PS The tin of tripe in evaporated milk is in the post.


Just call me stan

'How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything'
T Harv Eker
Inchcock
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Inchcock

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Posted: 6 Jul 12 14:19
Pinx:
A brave decision on your your part to attend - well done, I'm proud of you!
By the way, thanks for the Tripe in evaporated milk.
A tin of Vegetarian Goulash in Custard is on way to you.

Lynton:
I will thanks. But I know she has a battery operated Ronson razor wot she uses! She told me when replying to a begging letter wot I wrote to her last year.

Arble Nosingfot:
As I don't see it, the only option avilable to you is to consdier the possibility of considering possibly adopting the little mite, then take the advice of the adorable Daphne Cathcart!


Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Cary Grunt
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Posted: 16 Aug 12 12:09
Alright Inchy?

Now then son let's get you squared away for the weekend nosebag wise shall we?

I just got back from Lidl as it goes and they've got some right tasty bargains knocking about if you screw yer loaf a bit and steer clear of all that branded old toot. I mean to say everyone knows Tescos Stripy Cornflakes are actually Kellogs ones that have been binned from the conveyor belt for being a bit small and that dont they? Course they do old son!

Now then here's a few bargains I spotted for yers sheriff:

Beef roasting joint - 5.99 (slip down a treat that will with a few roast murphys and a tin o' marrowfats)

Filralys Ultra Strong macaroni paper - 4.99 for 20 ROLLS!!!! (in case the beef's a bit out of date and you end up perched on the ben ghazi for hours on fucking end)

Walls Cornetto Family Pack - 1.49. (I know I said steer clear of the pricey gear but if that big old sort of yours with the hairy legs comes round for supper you want to be able to offer her something a bit creamy dont yers. The bints love all that old game trust me son)

Now then away from the nosebag I did notice a few nifty little bargains in the centre aisle where they knock out all the cheap tools and diabolical German shmutter so see what you think squire:

Mens Hiking Boots - 14.99 a pair (not each! A fucking pair son!")


Sanitas Foot Massager - 24.99 for when the old dogs are barking after you come mincing back from the chemists and that.

3 metres Universal Duct Tape - 2 for 4.00! (come in 'andy for when you break yer toothbrush handle or if your old sort fancies a spot of the old BDSM bondage and that. Half of em 'ave read that fucking 59 Bales Of Hay you see mate. It's driven em half barmy chief! Up to all fucking sorts now they are trust me!

2 Respirator Masks (with adjustable nose clip and exhalation valve) see above. Plus they might come in handy if the Cornettos are a bit out of date. Nothing worse than sour milk is there mate? tsk.

Right you are then my son! That should see you through the next couple of days anyways. Enjoy the scoff and dont forget if the lumpy jumper gets a bit lively after a couple of Mackesons on Saturday night remember the words that my old man said to me on his death bed "Wh.....Whe.....When they want it son you 'ave to give it to em!"

Poor bleeder died of exhaustion at 39

Be lucky Inchy Boy!

No dont thank me!!!

x

I'm Very Pleased To Meet You. Who's Your Monkey Friend?
pinxit
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Posted: 16 Aug 12 14:52
* snork *


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