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Ellis Ian Fields
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Ellis Ian Fields

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Posted: 14 Jun 12 09:16 - Edited By: Ellis Ian Fields, 14 Jun 12 09:19
Radlcliffe & Maconie

BBC Radio 6, Wednesday's show... about ten minutes in... how Clarence Clemons joined the E Street Band. Brilliant unscripted riffing! Give it a listen...

I have no idea if that link will work. If it doesn't just go the BBC iPlayer thing.

No-one speaks English and everything's broken.
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 5 Sep 12 19:57
^^^^^^^^ See that folks?

Not one single, solitary reply! This is just so typical of that stinking. odious scumbag!

He thinks he can come on here like Lord fucking Muck with his two bob links and boring interminable drivel about a couple of soppy arseoles on the radio that no fucker's even heard of and thinks he can get away with it!

I mean to say what manner of snivelling, vile creature is he anyway???

I mean just look at his idiot hair FFS!!!!



THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 5 Sep 12 20:03
Oh yeah and another thing! *fume*

Don't click on the link either or you'll probably catch some sort of hideous life threatening disease like Yaws, Black Water Fever or Beri Beri.

This is because, despite spending his days crawling through his own sick and other people's piss after falling down drunk in public bogs, he never has a Bob Squash from one years end to the next.

The geezer's absolutely minging trust me!

Bastard!

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
churchmouse
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churchmouse

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Posted: 5 Sep 12 20:23
Maconie was a form of tinned meat and veg issued to the troops in the first world war. It had the slogan 'A complete meal in a tin' and apparently tasted of boiled cabbage.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this...I mean, it's not as if it's relevant or anything...I just want to be liked *sniff* It wasn't my fault that I was good at history, I mean, if it wasn't for my uncle Bob insisting that I rummage through the pockets of his battledress it might have been so different. All the big boys would have picked me for football, and taught me how to smoke... but here I am with nothing in the world but a picklehelb and a copy of Rutherwicks guide to the Somme battlefields *sob*

Julie from the dry-cleaners might have gone out with me.

I could have been someone... not just a cleaner at a bus station, mopping up piss, and being abused by tramps.

I could have lived in a real flat... with walls, and a window to look out of...I could have made it.

Still, there's worse things happen at sea. at least I've still got uncle Bob's old Webley. I'll just give it a polish...

BLAM!!!!

Shit.

THUD.



And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
churchmouse
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churchmouse

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Posted: 6 Sep 12 13:10 - Edited By: churchmouse, 6 Sep 12 13:11
Bastards!


That could have blown my bloody head off. And what do I get? Not a 'You alright Churchy', or a 'Don't worry mate, I'll call an ambulance'. Sod all, thats what!

Good job it was only a flesh wound, although I'll have to mop the blood up off of the lino now.

That new bloke Derrick Naylor-Made with his 'friendly group of writers' bollocks.

Pah!

You wait till you post a pathetic, badly crafted cry for help with accommodation and employment and see where it gets you.

And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 6 Sep 12 15:06
^^^^^^^ Deep sea diving, French speaking cyber bully with exotic missus who's far too good for him.

Funnily enough Gazza I read this last night and was going to give you a jolly up on the strength of it but I fell fast akip son.

Still you know how it is when you get to your age squire

Could be worse though sherrif, I could be Ellis trying to bum you in his faulty shower so think on matey. *fume*

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
churchmouse
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churchmouse

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Posted: 6 Sep 12 15:20
^^^^^^^^^"I was going to give you a jolly up"

It's too bloody late now isn't it. I was reduced to eating old spoofs that I'd written over the last couple of years to sustain myself. (A good job that they are all rich and nutritious otherwise I would have had it).

Anyway, I've dug the bullet out of the wall, and I still have the brass cartridge case so I'm off down to the scrappers to weigh them in.

*Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.*

14 centimes!!!!! The robbing bastards!

Anyway Old Horse, what's all this about young Ellis and his haircut. Looks alright to me.

You want to see Debbies. Jesus! You would have thought she'd done it with a knife and fork.



And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 06:28 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 8 Sep 12 06:30
*lights pipe in agitated manner, slathers, folds, vomits over gently upturned face of cat and loses two consecutive nights sleep*

WHAT'S THIS BLASTED OUTRAGE??? I'LL HAVE YOUR EYES FOR THIS YOU SNIVELLING LITTLE TIC!!!

"Looks alright to me?" LOOKS ALRIGHT TO ME?????!!!!

What manner of man are you exactly? Some kind of affluent central heating engineer with an exotic missus who's far too good for him and who colludes in the publishing of humorous books that are completely devoid of any semblance of quality apart from my contributions???

You love him dont you? You love Ellis and want to bum him in his dilapidated, malfunctioning shower don't you????!

Well let me tell you my fine French female fiddling friend I'm a mild mannered and extremely placid type of cove but by The Lord Harry himself if I EVER saw you sidling up to Ellis in a public convenience with a heavily stained copy of The Dorking Review in your hand and a come hither look in your eye it would be "OI!...OVERPAID HEATING ENGINEER WITH EXOTIC MISSUS!......NO!!!!"

Now take your stilsens wrench, your ridiculously priced replacement thermocouple and your tube of Milliput "The Thinking Homosexual's Epoxy Resin* and GET OUT!!!!

puff, pant, wheeze, gasp, slather.

Disclaimer: No laughably overpaid central heating bandits were harmed during the compiling of this fully justifiable diatribe and more's the fucking pity in my humble opinion.......bastards!"

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 12:15
^^^^^ Admirable diatribe there from my terminally bewildered yet somewhat lightweight Mockney mucker.

Seven thirty in the morning? Early riser? Or just folding after a long session on the tiles?

We should be told.

Regards

The Sober One.

RIP
churchmouse
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churchmouse

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 12:22
^^^^^^

Well honestly!

*Puffs out cheeks in indignation*

The way you go on you would think that you are some kind of Hypod gear oil swilling East end motor engineer! *Snaps off stem of pipe in anger*

I know your sort; All sucking of teeth while adding an extra 50% for a set of constant velocity joints and a flimsy plastic seat cover. 'Oh it'll cost you Darling' and 'I'll have to order is special for you. Might take a week or so'. And all the time waltzing around in your customer's car with a short blond woman with more sense than yourself. Who quite frankly not only has more compassion than you but is also much better looking.

Oh yes, just because you contribute one or two mildly funny articles to the forthcoming Dorking Review 2 (Order now to avoid disappointment)and throw in some of the best forum comments you think that you can denigrate poor Ellis, who not only has a luxuriant head of hair that is the envy of everyone at his local bakers, but someone who also knows how to treat a female impersonator.


*Desperately tries to open packet of stress tablets before collapsing over desk*



And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 12:29
^^^^^^Dorking Review 2 my arse!

Am I in it? No! So it can't be any good. Stands to reason dunnit.

Just sayin'

Skoob.

Car mechanics and central heating engineers? I've shit 'em!

When's it coming out?

PS - Forgot to say PS...

RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 16:05
Two things gentlemen:

Gazza - There's not a short blond woman on God's green earth who is better looking than me. Do you understand me you radiator wrecking ragamuffin.....NONE!!! *rips off shirt in abject display of indignation and hurls it to ground*

Skooby - You said "Coming out" How I laughed at the bitter irony of that sickening faux pas in a thread started by a man who at this very moment is probably either lying helplessly drunk in some Gallic alleyway or is in hospital having bummed himself into a state of exhaustion.

I've half a mind (steady!) to copy and paste both your comments and make them much better and funnier in order to rack up a few points in the writers table!

Bastards!



THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 17:12
Oh bugger. I said "coming out." In fairness, I was talking about the book. Perhaps I should have asked if it was going to be ejaculated prematurely on an unwitting public?

I am Northern you know. At times like this, I wish I was/am a Scouser, with a ready self deprecating wit, and a wry outlook on life's unpredictable peccadilloes.

But alas, I am not.

Mind you, I'm good at drinking beer, smoking fags and doing press ups.

Not some lightweight Cockney wanker.

Anyone fancy a pint?

Skoob.



RIP
churchmouse
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churchmouse

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 17:57

I'll have a pint Skoob.

In reply to when is the book 'coming out' s'nerk, s'nerk, f'narr f'narr.

All of the text is in and sorted and is currently being sent across to the publisher. We're still waiting for the images from Rob hopefully they'll be in soon. Therefore a month to get everything across, a month for the publisher to do their bit and a month of final editing and tidying up. So I reckon it will be out by Christmas.

Re that pint: We'll organize another writer's piss-up for Dec in the usual venue.

I'll stick a thread up during Nov with details.

Take no notice of Danton. It's the brake fluid that does it you know.



And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 18:14
London again? That means Danton and CJ, and probably another night for me in A&E.

Bastards.

Skoob.

RIP
churchmouse
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churchmouse

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 19:17

Yeah all welcome, old and new.

Should be good.

Bring your own blood supply.



And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 8 Sep 12 23:45
I'm not OLD!

And another thing...

Oh, I forgot.

Regards

Skoob. (Graceful)

RIP

 
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