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Forum Home / General Discussion / I Can No Longer Live A Lie!...I'm Unashamedly Gay!


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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 20:23
I dont know where to start really my staunch friends and misguided, quite possibly clinically insane detractors. I've been in a state of utter torment and profound self analysis these few last tortuous days during which I've questioned not only the existence of a supreme being but also whether Geoff Hurst's header in the 1966 World Cup Final actually did cross the line.

I came to the conclusion that God only truly exists in the minds of those close to death and that it was at least a foot over and that that risibly coiffured kraut kunt Beckenbauer needs to shutenzi the fuckenzi up and swallow it. No offence Frankie boy x

But enough of this thunderous tish tosh and footie fol de rol my lovelies! My purpose here is to finally come clean after days of careful considered deliberation and to inform you that I am in fact quite unashamedly gay.

This is entirely due to the fact that Mrs Thatcher's not been feeling very well lately and also that our good friend and doyen of Spoofeteers (along with Skoob of course so settle down mate FFS!) has been restored to our ranks.

So welcome back Inchy. May your ailments all be minor irritants and your medics at the very pinnacle of their profession.

HUZZAH!

Are any of you unashamedly gay too? C'mon you can tell me. I'm a mechanic!




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Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 20:43
Oh Cliveypops

You've opened such a can of worms here old fruit. I've been pretending to be straight for decades, despite the fact that I've been in a civil partnership with the love of my life, Arthur Pendragon, for years.

Of course, around these here parts, he's better known as Anne Shuttlecock.

It breaks my little thudding heart to admit this...but yes...I am a gay man. Only Anne Shuttlecock could ever be gayer, because she doesn't waste her time writing for the Spoof, and she lives a totally Acronym free lifestyle.

Is it safe to come out of the closet?

I was outed by a rogue bunch of American and British scoundrels who publicised my preferred mode of transport - a bicycle sans saddle - and derided me for appearing in drag on Ewe Tube.

Initially I was in denial.

NOW DAMMIT I'M GAY AND BLOODY PROUD!

SING UP!

Regards

Martina Shuttlecock



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Katarina Frogpond2
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Katarina Frogpond2

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 20:44
Am I to assume that you mean gay, in a joyous way?

Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 20:50
What do you think?

Regards

Martina Shuttlecock.

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Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 9 Jun 12 20:56 - Edited By: Colonel Juan, 9 Jun 12 20:57

Jeez, about bloody time too Clivey.

Thought you'd never get yer chubby little botty round to turning the key and venturing forth out of the closet to admit what we two have known about for months..

This is gonna break dear Skooby's tender little heart..

Remember the Coal hole?

Remember your words after you climbed the vine and let yourself in through the double-glazed plastic window over the cistern? Remember our Lynton's face as he fled the urinal in floods of tears?


Oh yes!

Great news about the Full Inch!

Although, in all good faith, and in due deference to his avatar -

I can't see me going there naked this side of his next birthday..

Not with you on the block babe...

See you on the back lawn chucky egg..

Love

CJ xxx



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Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 21:02
Strewth!

Is this any way to run a fucking forum?

Verity Warbling-Trollblog (Lesbian)

Penge.

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Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 21:06
Merry Gaymas to you

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IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 21:52
I'm as straight as a dog's hind leg.

Straight as a ten bob note.

Straight as strait can be.

Iain

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 9 Jun 12 22:07


Hi Lynton..

re Les Douce Peas..

How's yer veggy patch coming along?

Or are you still at the vajazzling stage?






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Katarina Frogpond2
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Katarina Frogpond2

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 22:10
Congratulations.


Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 22:20
I am trying to avoid the pushing hoe - it's forking difficult - she keeps chasing me! (I don't think I owe her any money for the weed(s)).

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Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 22:34 - Edited By: Skoob1999, 9 Jun 12 22:34
Not gay enough Lynton. Sorry ole chum.

NEXT!

Regards

Larry

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Jean Le Fete
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Jean Le Fete

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 23:06
I love women!! I can't help myself. And for those of you confused by my pen name Jean can be male or female and in this case, alas, it is male. I wish i could say I'm gender confused, but it has never been a problem for me. I asked and was turned down by two lesbians on at least two different occasions when part of a production of Romeo and Juliet. Both lovely people and good natured about my idiocy. So great job Clive. Will this mean a new wardrobe?

It's not that I can't help these people it's just, I don't want to. - Tom Hanks - Volunteers
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 23:12
This thread is supposed to be about uphill gardening, or using the other door key. It's a confessional thread. If you lack the balls to come out and admit that you're actually gay, then post your rubbish somewhere else.

I'm not remotely interested in how large and engorged your penis becomes when aroused by members of the other sex. (Them ones with the lumpy bits)

Regards

Skoobette

PS - How large is your penis?

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Ellis Ian Fields
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Ellis Ian Fields

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 23:28 - Edited By: Ellis Ian Fields, 9 Jun 12 23:29
I always travel on the other bus and I have been known to wear sensible shoes.

As for being gay - well, I have some colourful shirts and I love to throw a party!

Come on!

No-one speaks English and everything's broken.
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 23:36
Your place or mine Ellis my sweet?

The choice is yours - if the price is right!

Bruce Foreskin
Bucks

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Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 9 Jun 12 23:40 - Edited By: Colonel Juan, 9 Jun 12 23:42


Evening Skoobie..

Oh yes...

Is there nowhere we can be free?
Free to walk naked, men amongst men
Free from the constant mewling and puking of self absorbed nincompoops..
Free to gaze deeply into one another's eyes..
Free to gorge on Danton's chopped-off chipolata..
Free to flick the dandruff off Lyntie's beard and cuddle up to Ellis's teddy..
Free to ride bareback on Rebel's stallion..
and play fiddle with Pinxit's bongos and Sidney's bollocks?
What passing bells for those who die as cattle?

Sweet dreams to all the glorious lost souls of the Coal Hole..

CJ


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Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 9 Jun 12 23:48 - Edited By: Skoob1999, 10 Jun 12 10:53
Ah CJ...the Coal Hole In The Wall Gang...memories...misty water coloured memories...of the way we are...

Enough mascara on show to recreate Piccasso's Guernica...

The manly perfume of stale ale and tobacco smoke...

The discreet rustle of manly thigh against manly thigh...

The silent, meaningful glances...

The tender exchange of touching calloused hands as beer was passed along the line...

And the women...

Are they not men?

Mind you - four quid from Waterloo to Embankment on the Underground was pushing the envelope of credibility a bit...

Where was I?

Oh yes...the parting...such sweet sorrow...

The scent lingered in one's olfactories for days.

Hai Karate wasn't it?

Regards

Skoob (The sensitive one.)

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Thelonius
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Posted: 10 Jun 12 00:12

Most importantly, I hope you're saying that Inchcock is getting better.  

Much more newsworthy than your being gay. (however unashamedly)  Next you'll be claiming that Mohammed Ali is black.  

Best wishes Inchcock!  

Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 10 Jun 12 00:27
We all love Inchy Chris. He's the one who made us aware of our feminine sides. He's the humanitarian heartbeat of this wonderful place, where men are men and everybody tends to be nervous.

Inch - one doffs one's cap in knee bent reverence old son.

Big man hugs to you - sod the impetigo.

Luv n Hugz

Skoob.

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Lynton
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Lynton

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Posted: 10 Jun 12 00:48
"What passing bells for those who die as cattle?"


Anthem for doomed poof CJ?



Quote: Colonel Juan

Evening Skoobie..

Oh yes...

Is there nowhere we can be free?
Free to walk naked, men amongst men
Free from the constant mewling and puking of self absorbed nincompoops..
Free to gaze deeply into one another's eyes..
Free to gorge on Danton's chopped-off chipolata..
Free to flick the dandruff off Lyntie's beard and cuddle up to Ellis's teddy..
Free to ride bareback on Rebel's stallion..
and play fiddle with Pinxit's bongos and Sidney's bollocks?
What passing bells for those who die as cattle?

Sweet dreams to all the glorious lost souls of the Coal Hole..

CJ



Watching paint dry
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 10 Jun 12 01:25
Hah! Stuff and nonsense.

William Wordsworth was never one of us, never one of the boys.

He was always too busy going half a league onwards over the hedges, the houses and ditches, wandering about like a lonely cloud in Plumtree Tennessee.

You don't fool me!

You are not a true gay!

NEXT!

Walter DeLaMare

Wimbledon.

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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 10 Jun 12 06:10 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 10 Jun 12 06:40

Quote: Chris McManus

Most importantly, I hope you're saying that Inchcock is getting better.  

Much more newsworthy than your being gay. (however unashamedly)  Next you'll be claiming that Mohammed Ali is black.  

Best wishes Inchcock!  


Oh dear, is my latent homosexuality really that obvious champ? And there's me putting myself through all the deep unpleasantness of fathering four children too

I do hope this doesnt mean you're going to scuttle off to the guvnor in a big girly effort to get my account binned and then send me a number of poisonous emails???

Oh sorry mate you've already gone down that route haven't you. What a big gay silly boy I am!

Carry on you deeply deeply tedious, unhinged, blubbering vagina you. No offence

PS Muhammed (NB Correct Spelling) Ali was a kind of light brown colour the last time I saw him.

No dont thank me!

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Thelonius
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Posted: 10 Jun 12 07:50


Never gone to the guvner over you Clive.  You're too funny. (well, then there's that duck thing)

Sent four pleasant emails, only one poisonous.  Apologized for the poisonous one, though I believe its contents to be true.

If anyone's unhinged at present it's you.  Life's hard sometimes.  I hope things improve for you!

I won't tell the guvner, but I don't think you're supposed to swear at people like a crazy man on here.  Pinxit needs to know that as well.  Its very basic.  We're just here to write stories.  People seemed to like my last one.  Hope you did as well.  Good luck with the "Dorking Review".

Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 10 Jun 12 09:05
Here's a rather telling little analogy for you Chris.

Many moons ago I was an aspiring young and extremely lovely amateur boxer (I quit when my sponsors wanted their logo stamped on the soles of my ring boots in order to gain maximum exposure) and I was put in against another young prospect from South London.

It soon became apparent to me that the boy was totally outclassed in every department. In short I was battering the poor bleeder (see what I did there?) from arseole to Saturday and after a few rounds of punishment his face became a mask of blood. I kept knocking the boy down and he kept climbing right back up for the same again.

Why the ref didnt stop the fight I dont for the life of me know. Maybe the kid was roaring up his old woman on Saturday nights or something.

Eventually I've caught the boy with a shot to the jaw that his dear old mum must have felt back home in the parlour and he's gone down like a sack of King Edwards into a bucket.

Now this kid was nothing if not a warrior and starts hauling his battered arse back up using the ropes to aid him. At this point I went over to him and hissed "For fuck's sake stay down mate! You're getting slaughtered son"

He didn't.

You are that poor thoroughly outclassed boy mate. Now you nip off and brush up on your spelling and syntax and keep out of my way champ.

There's a good boy.

You'll not see me here again.

No really!





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