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armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 1 May 12 19:55
My colon was grumbling last night. It wanted a souk arras curry from the mutton house in the village. I said no, now it wants to leave me. what do I do?




Arm xxxxxxxxxxxx

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Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

Registered: 15 Oct 07

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Posted: 1 May 12 20:03
My stomach had set its heart on getting to the colon this season. It was devastated when it got knocked out in the semi-colon.

Mind you, this was better than last season - it got knocked out in the quarter-colons.

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Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 1 May 12 20:04
Be firm. Tell it you quite like tripe and onions and wave an onion in front of it.

That usually brings the blighters into line.


Quote: armfeetandtoe

My colon was grumbling last night. It wanted a souk arras curry from the mutton house in the village. I said no, now it wants to leave me. what do I do?




Arm xxxxxxxxxxxx


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armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
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Posted: 1 May 12 20:12
Mr Erskin,

I have taken your advice and introduced the tripe and onions. Only now, the bugger is on the run. By the way, I have lost my elephant ears do you know where I can purchase some?

Cheers from the bottom of my heart not my hearts bottom.


Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 1 May 12 21:34
Indian or African?

It makes a big difference, I find, particularly when it comes to the choice of hat.

This season, it would be a positive crime de fashion to be seen about town wearing a felt bowler with African Elephant Ears.

That reminds me of the time I went into a hat shop and asked the young lady: 'can I get felt in here?'

She had the Old Bill round before you could say 'euphonium sheet music'.

Which was a stroke of luck. Old Bill, I could easily outrun. If she had summoned Young Bill, I might have been in trouble.

Heigh ho!

Lawrence of Arabia
32 Leper Colony Drive
Saskatchewan



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armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 2 May 12 14:34
I am ever greatful for your grateful greatness. I purchased a felt hat and the man in the shop had a feel of my felt. Or did I felt his feel? The hat fits quite snug but the snug is a little loose. I had a bunion fitted to my left foot so it matched the right foot. Where does one get bunion shoes?




Elvis Priestly
The Churn
Lake Victopia

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IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 2 May 12 14:41

Quote: armfeetandtoeWhere does one get bunion shoes?

From the Bunion Shoe Shop.

Lame Response,
Frankly
Mydear

If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
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Posted: 2 May 12 15:00
There is no such thing. I have travelled the world and not found one. How can you be so cruel. Your a Bunion hater, go on, admit it. How very dar you.





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Jaggedone
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Jaggedone

Location: Back under the bridge!
Registered: 8 Apr 09

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Posted: 2 May 12 16:00
My mum (RIP) had a bunion, she cut a hole in her shoe.

Monkey nutter...
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
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Posted: 2 May 12 19:06
There was a knock at my door this morning. When I asked why, it replied; "The door bell dont work".


Arm xxxxxxxxx

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Erskin Quint
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Posted: 3 May 12 23:15
My doorbell went this morning.

I wish it would come back.

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Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 4 May 12 00:49
My phone rang tonight.

I've no idea what it wanted.

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 4 May 12 08:07
Someone knocked at my door this morning.

I wish they'd stop criticising it.

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Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 4 May 12 10:51
Some kid keeps tapping my windows

I told him, I said, "Look son (cos he's my boy), if you need money ask me. The windows are broke anyway."

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
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Posted: 4 May 12 10:55
I bought some nails last week.

I think I might take 'em back to the shop 'cos they keep getting hammered.

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 4 May 12 11:37
I've got a faulty screwdriver. I can't find anyone to fix it. I don't know which way to turn.

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armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
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Posted: 4 May 12 11:47
There was a knock on the door this morning, my son answered it.
My wife asked my son who it was.

"It's a man with a bald head"

Wife: "Tell him your dads got one"


I thang Yor!

Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
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Posted: 4 May 12 16:50 - Edited By: Simon Saunders, 4 May 12 16:52
As my wife left for work this morning I told her I loved her. She then turned to me and asked , "How come you only say nice things to me when I'm leaving?"
"Cos that's when I like you best." I replied.

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Jaggedone
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Jaggedone

Location: Back under the bridge!
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Posted: 4 May 12 18:30
SS, That tickled my toes!


Quote: Simon Saunders

As my wife left for work this morning I told her I loved her. She then turned to me and asked , "How come you only say nice things to me when I'm leaving?"
"Cos that's when I like you best." I replied.


Monkey nutter...
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 4 May 12 20:01
There was a knock at the door. I was amazed. I'd expected a person.

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Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 4 May 12 20:02
The door-bell rang. 'Go on then, answer it!' shouts the wife. So I go.

I opened the door. There was a guy there. He says 'Good evening. I am the Boston Strangler.'

'Honey, it's for you!' I shouts.

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Inchcock
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Inchcock

Location: Nottingham, England
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Posted: 6 May 12 18:21
Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Me!

Me who?

That's right!

What's right?

Meehoo!

That's what I want to know!

What's what you want to know?

Me who?

Yes, exactly!

Exactly what?

Yes, I have an Exactlywatt on a chain!

Exactly what on a chain?

Yes!

Yes what?

No, Exactlywatt!

That's what I want to know!

I told you - Exactlywatt!

Exactly what?

Yes!

Yes what?

Yes, it's with me!

What's with you?

Exactlywatt - that's what's with me.

Me who?

Yes!

Go away!

Knock, knock...

Inchy

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 6 May 12 19:29
Knock knock.

Go away. Bloody critics.

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armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
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Posted: 6 May 12 20:12
I like that Phil Collins bloke, he writes some nice songs.
But if I was to invite him round for a quiet drink and a natter, and he startd using my coffee tale as a drum kit! bashing out "in the air tonight" I should say; "Oye! Collins! Nooooo!, I admire your drumming and your versatile musicianship but that table cost twenty quid, now take your drum sticks and your Genesis and get out!


Frank Fumble
Plumstead

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