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Forum Home / General Discussion / Slurps In The Strand. An Everyday Story Of Slathering Folk


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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 29 Apr 12 07:50 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 29 Apr 12 07:52
The afternoon began promisingly enough as I approached The Coal Hole Public House in The Strand West London and spotted two sinister looking men in the doorway to the maternity bar, smoking pipes and laughing and pointing at passing invalids. One of them, a brute like creature with a pronounced lisp and a finely polished wooden lip eyed me with undisguised disdain and spat the words at me "Danton you ****! Come here you snivelling wretch....NOW!"

I was later to learn that this was Pinxit and as the afternoon wore on I was to come to dread his guttural, South African accent and would feel more than once the cruel lash of his Sjambok rhino whip as he would drive me once more to the bar for his bottle of Old Soweto Milk Stout and packet of Nelson Mandela and Onion flavour Quavers.

His companion, a brute-like dwarf in a battered Parisian beret and salmon coloured tutu was none other than Lynton, a swivel-eyed Gallic thug with a string of convictions for baby crushing and parking on the pavement. He too appeared to be heavily in his cups and would vomit sporadically over a large black pitbull terrier that he had tethered to his codpiece causing the wild-eyed cur to whine and struggle piteously.

Almost before I could offer my hand in friendship the two brutes were on me and I went down under a barrage of heavy blows from the spiked cudgels they'd produced from their smoking jackets and as I lay stunned and bloodied and I gazed unsteadily up into their slathering faces it seemed like the most natural thing in the world and I knew at once that I was amongst friends.

Next:

CJ shoots me in the middle of my face for saying I quite like American people, Skoob enters the bar in a sedan chair borne by eight snow white gibbons and Ellis is wrestled to the ground and arrested in the bogs by 5 burly officers from the Anti Terrorist Branch of The Metropolitan Police for concealing Semtex high explosive in his giant clown shoes and for constantly falling short of accepted standards with regards to his punctuation and syntax.

Oh yes!

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
pinxit
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Posted: 29 Apr 12 09:04 - Edited By: pinxit, 29 Apr 12 10:03
^^^^A travesty. Slathering slander. Calumny. ^^^^

Expect to hear from one's solicitors before noon.

Besides, sheer sloppy journalism; one's lip is of burnished bronze, not Ronsealed wood...

PS Remember, shady east-end used car dealer kaffir: one is in possession of 'the photographs' - and will not hesitate to 'use' them!!!

*****
PPS That having been said, you've got Lyntie-baby bang to rights; a stunningly accurate and penetrative pen portrait...

armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 29 Apr 12 11:54 - Edited By: armfeetandtoe, 29 Apr 12 11:55
I was there in spirit, honest. One of you proberly drank me.
Come to think of it, you must have gone to the urinal........


Sorry I missed you


Love as always

Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You aint seen me.....right
Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 29 Apr 12 12:14

Nobody in his right mind would voluntarily spend an evening with a gang of illiterate drunks, foul-mouthed homosexuals, convicted child-molesters, French porn barons, cross dressers, transvestite dwarves and a birdbrain Elvis Presley impersonator who claims he's a mechanic.

Bloody Americans, can't stand the bastards..

Thank God I had enough sense to give it a miss


Oh yes.
.
.
.
.
.

thud


RIP
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

Location: Out on a limb
Registered: 5 Sep 08

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Posted: 29 Apr 12 12:48
Imagine my disappointment upon finding that there were no wonky eyed Oriental temptresses in low cut tops and stockings. That plus the drinks were horrendously expensive, it cost twelve sovs to park the Kangoo, sixteen squid for train tickets, and they didn't even sell Stella at the pub.

I won't be doing that again in a hurry, I'll tell you. Oh no - not me matey chum peeps. I'll just stay at home watching me big screen HD telly, logged on to the Spoof, slathering.

Regards

Skoob.

RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 29 Apr 12 15:21
Pinxie - you said "penetrative"

Arm - I could have sworn you were there when I spotted an overweight bloke in the gentleman's retreats wobbling his builder's bum all over the gaff. Imagine my rage and frustration when he told me was down from Newcastle for the day to attend a symposium for "hermersexuals"

Skoob - Those snow white gibbons must have set you back a few sheckles too mate. Still all part of the trappings of power I s'pose

CJ - You're a big man but you're out of condition. Don't make me drive you from the forums mate.

You'll not find me in here again! *fume*

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 29 Apr 12 15:25 - Edited By: Skoob1999, 29 Apr 12 15:27
Piss weak beer. Peroni? We drove all the way home in reverse.

Regards

Skoob.

RIP
pinxit
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Posted: 29 Apr 12 16:04

Quote: Clive Danton

Pinxie - you said "penetrative"




I also said something about you banging Lyntie-baby, but let a veil be drawn.

And as for The Colonel being 'big'...well...!!!?

It must have been you there in that miniscule and foul-smelling Gents with him - when he (allegedly) repeatedly slammed it against the metal urinals in a not untypical hissy-fit - causing untold pennies' worth of damage?

If so, did you offer your services to the landlord as a shady east-end panel-beater?



Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 10 Sep 12 17:11
Fond albeit slightly unsteady memories of the fabled Coal Hole firm there folks. I was discussing that beer soaked, sepia tinged afternoon of slathering, ganging up (using a ratio of 12 to 1), losing sleep and of course folding like girls, with a rather beautiful lady of my acquaintance a short time ago and I could tell she was extremely impressed as I regaled her with the tale.

Her loud, violent and sustained vomiting into a tin bucket told me that. *taps side of nose sagely*

PS. Notice how Ellis conducted himself in the manner of a complete, unremittingly gay fuck. There's always one that goes out of their way to spoil it for others isn't there?


THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 10 Sep 12 17:24
Will it happen again? Will there be a repeat of that sepia tinted day in the pub? Knee deep in slather? Roaring with gay abandon as the lightweights mooched away one by one?

Or is this the tragic and untimely demise of the Coal Hole In The Wall Gang? Probably.

Regards

Skoob.

RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 10 Sep 12 19:11
My understanding is that there is to be another gathering of the Coal Hole Boys just as soon as The Dorking Review 2 is published and our wallets are bursting with the filthy lucre that our boy Gazza has weighed us out with.

Of course it'll be around the same as Churchmouse earns in an afternoon but it'll see us through a long hard winter on the gruel and tap water I guess

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM

 
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