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Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 17 Apr 12 16:01


I have two important and quite brilliant UNFINISHED masterpieces on my desk.

One is a commission by the Queen for the Jubilee..
The other is for the opening of the Olympic Games

Can anyone help with the final three lines..

There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh


and also


A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad


Many thanks

the Poet Laureate..



RIP
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
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Posted: 17 Apr 12 17:10
A git on the Whitechapel road.
Was mastercating a toad.
When asked why he did it.
He took out a Mullet.
And said, !I think this has gone off.
Then he went to the hospital.
But got the all clear after several tests.
He was not prosecuted by the rspca.

I thang Yor!

Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You aint seen me.....right
Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 17 Apr 12 20:22


That's excellent Arm..

Absolutely brilliant.

Except you've changed the ORIGINAL words - and HM Printers have already set them in 48 point gothic with 24 carat gold edging..

So I'm afraid.....

Sorry to disappoint..

The Poet Laureate..


xx



RIP
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 17 Apr 12 20:59
a git on the Whitechapel Road
was noisily chewing a toad
when they said 'have you tried
an amphibian fried?'
he said 'fried, boiled or raw, it's still toad.'


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Inchcock
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Inchcock

Location: Nottingham, England
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Posted: 17 Apr 12 21:26
Dear fair Poet Laureate, here are my efforts.

There once was a girl from Shanghai.
With a fanny the width of her thigh.
I fancied her rotten, I don't know why,
I'm 5'2" and she was 6ft high,
Still in the rain she kept me dry!

A git on the Whitechapel Road,
Was noisily chewing a toad,
Why are you doing that I bellowed,
I'm on the dole, and in desitute mode,
I said Oh, well I'll be blowed!

Nil poi?
Fair enough!
TTFN

Inchy

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Erskin Quint
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Posted: 17 Apr 12 21:30
There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh.
When they said 'you might fit
A whole army in it',
She said 'Hi boys! You're welcome to try.'






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Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 17 Apr 12 21:38 - Edited By: Erskin Quint, 17 Apr 12 21:39
There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
I fancied her rotten
I've never forgotten
The way she took out her glass eye.

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Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 18 Apr 12 11:40


Multi outstanding and gloriously protuberant master-works from Poets Quint and Inch

Both equally brilliant in contrasting ways. The one rich with elegant control and piercing use of quill  the other flamboyant and free as a bream on the wing..

Oh yes

We reap in the heavy soil of rich pasture lands in the verdant hills of those blue remembered lush meadows that are the bread basket of European culture here on the paddy fields of The Spoof..

Signed with gratitude

The Poet Laureate




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pinxit
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Posted: 18 Apr 12 12:20 - Edited By: pinxit, 19 Apr 12 07:41
'Gawd Bless ya Mary Poppins'

by Andrew Motion.


*****

A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad
"Tho' it cost 'alf a knicker
to 'ave wiv green liquor,
The taste makes me blow my fackin' load!"


*****


Ellis Ian Fields
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Ellis Ian Fields

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Posted: 18 Apr 12 12:44
A git in the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad.
"Oi!"
Taxi driver - sweaty, large, cockney… cockernee…
Cockernee Sparrer.
"Wotcha mate. Eatin' a toad, ven!
Woss'at all abaht?"
Inquiring. Then
Laughing.
"That'll make ya tom aw right!
'Ere, you never guess 'oo I 'ad in the back
The uvva week.
Kermit the fackin Frog!
Mate o' yours?"

copyright EIF News & Features, 2012.

No-one speaks English and everything's broken.
Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 18 Apr 12 13:11

No, no, no, no, no EIF Features..

Where are your prithees?

Where are the Yons and the Nays and Thines?

And the Harks

That's wot real poetry's about..

EG:- Hark ye, yon vagina doth declare..

Look closer and observe the elegance of Poet Pinxit..

Note his style, his gentle touch, the way he expresses the git..


Oh yes,


Expert Poem Lessons are now available on this thread..

Apply within.



>>>>>>>>>>> Lo & Behold <<<<<<<<<<<<<






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Ellis Ian Fields
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Ellis Ian Fields

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Posted: 18 Apr 12 13:15
Mine was post-modern ironic. Keep up!

No-one speaks English and everything's broken.
Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

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Posted: 18 Apr 12 13:21


Ah..

That's good!

I like that Poet Ellis..

Jealously guarding the fruit of your artistic labour and defending it 'gainst all comers (npi)..

Note the way I turned the word against into 'gainst..

Yes, we'll make a poet of you yet!


Signed

The Poet



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Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
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Posted: 18 Apr 12 15:12
There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
I took her to bed
"What you doing?" she said
As I shot my load in her eye

Note the way I have incorporated speech within this work of literary genius.
If you wish to donate as a show of your delight, make all cheques payable to; Mr Gary Shampoo Esq.

The pleasure is all mine.

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Tommy Twinkle
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Posted: 18 Apr 12 16:47 - Edited By: Tommy Twinkle, 19 Apr 12 15:03
There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
She was a very shy girl
Quite hairy as well
And I'll always remember her eye

Her eye was a deep azure blue
She'd stick it on with strong super glue
And her wide fanny would smile
Or grin for a while
Then start suddenly spitting at you

Her fanny it had a long tongue
It would stretch all the way to her bum
Most Shanghai girls use a cat
Not hearsay, it's fact,
To lick their bums clean or else a nun

Those nuns from 'St.Lil's-on-the-hill'
Would enjoy it, they'd say it's God's will
Mind you that old Father Dobbs
He'd charge a few bob
Though he'd lick until he felt quite ill




Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

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Posted: 18 Apr 12 17:04


Oh yes Tommy..

Oh yes..

The Bard of Essex..

xx




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Tommy Twinkle
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Posted: 19 Apr 12 14:26
A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad
They're nice wiv french fries
Or baked in toad pies
Or in sandwiches just eaten cold

Yurrs ago outside old 'ackney dogs
There'd be Sid wiv 'is eels, toads 'n' frogs
Just sold from a stall
Long queues there annal
Yeah, old Sid fand 'em easy t' flog

All caught by 'imself from the Lea
And some winklin' at Leigh-on-sea
Yeah, that crafty old Sid
Made a fortune 'e did
Well he got the bleedin' fings fer free

Yeah, old Sid made a mint at that game
Sold in jelly or cooked over a flame
Mind you times move orn
Old Sid's well dead 'n' gorn
Now it's toad shish kebabs on Brick Lane!

Nick Hobbs
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Nick Hobbs

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Posted: 19 Apr 12 15:20
There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
Whenever she skips,
The wind round her lips,
Would let out an ear piercing sigh.

Satisfying the bloodlust of the masses in peacetime!
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

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Posted: 19 Apr 12 15:27


Sheer adulterated brilliance from both Poet Tommy and Poet Nick..

Today, I've had a dose of Poets Blockage.. a build-up of gunk in the old rhyming couplets.. Inchy had it last weekend..

So can someone try finishing off this masterpiece:-

Ta


A girl with a quadruple fanny
Went out with a bilingual tranny



Oh yes...





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Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 19 Apr 12 19:47
A girl with a quadruple fanny
Went out with a bilingual tranny.
"My name is Joyce
And I'm spoiled for choice!"
He shouted in pure Hindustani.

Next please.

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Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 19 Apr 12 20:05


OK Poet Erskin..

You're seriously bleedin' rather very good at these..

so..

How's about...

Off the top of me head...


There was an old harlot from Bedford
Who went to the local Eisteddfod


Oh yes..



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Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 19 Apr 12 21:09 - Edited By: Erskin Quint, 19 Apr 12 21:10
There was an old harlot from Bedford
Who went to the local Eisteddfod.
She persuaded no druids
To exchange any fluids
For there is no Eisteddfod in Bedford.

There was an old harlot from Bedford
Who went to the local Eisteddfod:
She relieved a chief druid,
And took seminal fluid
From a bard who looked like Robert Redford.



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Inchcock
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Inchcock

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Posted: 19 Apr 12 21:52
There was an old harlot from Bedford,
Who went to the local Eisteddfod,
She said I'm looking for Tom Jones you see,
Or even Catherine Zeta-Jones will do for me,
Cause I'm really a bit if a Gaylord!

Inchy

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
CaptainSausage
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Posted: 19 Apr 12 21:55 - Edited By: CaptainSausage, 19 Apr 12 22:15
There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
She pined, "What's the worth
"Of a vag built for girth
"When not even dwarf heads satisfy?"

A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad
But the bones were too firm; it
Weren't a toad, it was Kermit!
And the poor old git's innards imploded.

Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

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Posted: 20 Apr 12 03:04
A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad
His face turned red
As he swallowed the head
What a sorry little episode

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo

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