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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 6 Mar 12 12:35
No matter how bizarre or life changing it was I bet it can't match this little peach that I received from my somewhat smaller and slightly blonder other half about an hour ago.

It read, and I kid you not...."Just had my tits squashed in a vice and am now going back to work. Love you x"

Now then my good friends, I pondered this rather alarming news for quite some time until all at once the scales fell from my eyes and I remembered her telling me she was going for a routine breast screening this morning.

I wonder if any other Spoofeteers have momentarily wondered if their missus had been drawn into the dark, forbidding, taboo world of Sado/Masochism by the local blacksmith.......again.

Carry on.

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
IainB
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IainB

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Posted: 6 Mar 12 13:07
My last text message from my other half read:

After 6. Yes!

Whereas my last text message I received read:

Well as I am likely to be in your aura then it is unlikely.

I understood the one from my wife. I'd asked her at what time evening officially becomes night, and if she agreed with Henry VIII's dissolution of the catholic church in order to fund a war. That was a bugger to put in a text message, I'll tell you.

The second text message is from somebody I'm giving a lift to tonight and makes no sense at all. I'd asked him what time he wanted picking up. I suppose it could be a haiku.

[perplexed look]

Iain



If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 6 Mar 12 13:22
Ag ag ag ag ag ag......etc.

The girlies eh Iain?

Can't live with em, can't drown em in a bucket.



THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 6 Mar 12 16:49
The last text I got was from a lovely, beautiful young woman. It read;

If I see you hiding in my bins again I'll call the police. And stop pushing your used tissues through my letterbox.

Ah, and they say romance is dead.

Simon

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Ellie James
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Ellie James

Location: Texas
Registered: 8 Apr 11

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Posted: 6 Mar 12 16:54
I remember sending a text like that....to my ex.

Ellie

Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
pinxit
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Posted: 6 Mar 12 17:48
I get all sorts of surreal text messages, due mostly to the accursed 'auto correct' (or 'productive tuxedo' as we say in the UK) facility.

Like these examples from The Daily Fail * spit *

Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

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Posted: 6 Mar 12 17:52
"pick up the washable twill on your way home."

Sorry, I thought you said textile messages.

SERIOUS ABOUT DRIVEL
Katarina Frogpond2
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Katarina Frogpond2

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Posted: 6 Mar 12 17:54
I'm in Buchanan Street, but I can't see you. Its too busy. I'm going to stand on the Concert Hall Steps. Please wave your hands in the air so I can locate you.

churchmouse
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churchmouse

Location: France
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Posted: 6 Mar 12 19:30

Not so much a text message, but I once came home from work to find that my ex had left me a note on the table which read:


Gone to the lunatic asylum.

Your dinner is all over my tits.







And as the baby rabbit of hope emerges into the soft sunlight of happiness to be confronted with the double barrels of reality
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 7 Mar 12 06:43
Had a good chuckle over all of the above guys. Good work fellas and fellarettas.

Now then. I had one from my fellow mechanic son and famed verbose raconteur and wit a month or so back which simply bore the legend "Yes"

What he was actually intending to say was.

"Hey dad. I'm just texting to thank you for passing down your most excellent genes to my unworthy body. Thanks to you I'm now so damn fair of face and powerful of frame that I have to beat off the scantily clad blart with a pry bar night in night bastard out!
So thanks for that mate and I'll be round tonight with a tanker full of fizzy lager and a cheque for 10 grand to thank you for being so generous with your characteristics.

Oh and by the way I managed to nick that steering rack from work that you wanted for your motor.



THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 25 Mar 12 07:13 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 25 Mar 12 07:14
Dateline March 24 2012 10.35am.

"Get the kettle on fuckface. Will be with you in 10 mins"

Bloody Mormons!

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Inchcock
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Inchcock

Location: Nottingham, England
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Posted: 25 Mar 12 07:45 - Edited By: Inchcock, 25 Mar 12 07:47
I had a text message, telling me my order for a:

Dear Ms Percival, ...... 'Training bra' was going to cost me an extra £4.40, due to unexpected cost in importing them from Romania?

I tried emailing them back to explain that I was nearly a male (mind you my breasts are getting bigger and saggier as I gently age my way towards complete senility), but the address was not accepted/recognised?

Ah well, just thought I 'd mention it.

Inchcock

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 27 Mar 12 12:25
March 27 2012 13.21

DONT YEW TAWK ABART TULEEZA INN THE SPOOV! SHEE DIDENT WONT TO SUK 'IS COK! SHEEZ OUR ANGLE AND GOT FORSED INTWO IT. EYE'LL SMASH UR 'EAD IN YEW COKNEE FUK!

Love Mum xxx

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Ellie James
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Ellie James

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 16:42
My last text message I wrote in recent days was: Perhaps you're too immature and should just leave me alone!

Ellie

Oh. They've encased him in Carbonite. He should be quite well protected. If he survived the freezing process, that is.
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 29 Mar 12 16:47


That would have stung whoever you sent it to Ellie..

Well done..


THIS IS MY FINAL WORD ON THIS SUBJECT..






RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 17:29
Just got this one.

Ellie's dumped me. Caught me wearing her dress. If this gets out I'll kill myself. Get out of the forum Danton you maggot!

Love CJ x

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 29 Mar 12 17:37

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE WHO JUST CANNOT LEAVE IT ALONE.

Yes Maggot, Ellie HAS left me. Not a word from her for over a month. But who told you? It was meant to be private. The dress etc..

You fucking b*****d.

Glorying over another chap's broken heart.

Sobs and sniffs

CJ




RIP
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 17:39
Sniffs, nicely inhaled - for fuck's sake.

RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 17:41
Dateline Mar 29 2012 18.37

Sent.

IS THAT YOUR LAST WORD ON THIS ONE?

ONLY I WANT TO GO TO THE TOILET!

Lots of love and huggy wug wugs

Maggotypops x



THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 17:43 - Edited By: Skoob1999, 29 Mar 12 17:44
Maggotypops x Are generally genial, or they yellowly post oppressive post scripts x-ray.

RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 17:50
^^^^^^ cyber bully and Top Boy in the Acronym Boot Boys firm.

Probably part of a clique of some description.

I'm going NOWHERE!

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 17:55
Hah!

NOWHERE eh?

The old NOWHERE ploy?

Sorry, I seem to ave got lost...

Minotaur
Woolwich.

RIP
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 17:59
Now look here Danton.

I quite like you.

Which is somewhat surprising as you nicked me pork pie hat, took over me slot as resident Spoof miscreant, and despite that I caught you in bed with my secret lover just this afternoon.

So why can't we all live together?

The Grief Junkie
c/o Sir Matt Busby Way
Manchester M16 0RA


RIP
Colonel Juan
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Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
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Posted: 29 Mar 12 18:05

Dear Danton & Skoob..

NORMALLY I WOULD HAVE TEXTED YOU TWO TO GO STUFF YOURSELVES..

But tonight I'm feeling generous..

So F**K OFF!

Love

Wonky (Heartbroken by Ellie)



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Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 29 Mar 12 18:18
Ellie - lively, lovable, insanely exciting...

I've got the wrong thread again, haven't I?

I'll get me coat...

RIP

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