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This user is offline Writer

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 1 Mar 12 23:07
Slamming the finger in the door.
Stubbing a toe, on the floor.
Catching your willy in a zip.
Falling in thistle when you are pissed..........

You aint seen me.....right
Roy Turse
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Roy Turse

Location: United Kindom
Registered: 23 Jan 09

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Posted: 1 Mar 12 23:40
Catching a fingernail with a cheese grater
A muscle pulled now can really hurt later
Your hand slammed, bam! in the door of the car
Foot slips off the pedal then you hit the crossbar

A pain can be caused by the crack of a whip
A well hammered thumb or a simple split lip
A papercut seems far worse than a knife
But a toothache can feel the worst pain in your life

One cautionary tale about pain I should mention
Is not to prep veg without paying attention
If the recipe requires the chopping of chilli
Then, when in the bathroom, don't touch your eye

All the news that's fit to print or not
This user is offline Writer

Location: Paris
Registered: 14 Oct 09

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Posted: 1 Mar 12 23:48 - Edited By: Lynton, 1 Mar 12 23:50
Someone flicking the tip of your nose - makes the eyes water

Inability to spit out red hot food - can't think why the attention to niceties overrides the logical solution of spitting it out.

Kidney/gall stones - they call it 'exquisite pain'

Someone pulling the hair on the nape of your neck

Watching paint dry
This user is offline Caretaker

Location: Out on a limb
Registered: 5 Sep 08

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Posted: 1 Mar 12 23:57 - Edited By: Skoob1999, 2 Mar 12 00:04
A really hard kick in the bollocks.


Some females may say it's childbirth, but women often want more children. You rarely see or hear of a bloke volunteering for another kick in the bollocks.

This user is offline Writer

Location: Nottingham, England
Registered: 18 Jun 10

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Posted: 2 Mar 12 04:14
Finding out that you mother told the midwife to throw you in the river when you were born.

I'm alright now though.


Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 2 Mar 12 05:14
Slamming your fingers in a door. Not the side with the lock, the side with the hinges.

Getting your pubes caught in a public swimming pools filtration system.

Being electricuted in the face by a cheap shaver bought off a bloke called "dodgy Rick" who works down the market.

Getting off the bus and being hit in the back of the head by a wing mirror.

Burning your fingers when you try to take your ciggie out your gob and it sticks to your lips causing your fingers to slide along the cancer stick and into the very hot, on fire bit.

Getting cramp in the top of your foot and the bottom of your foot, at the same time.

When your wife runs off with the man who fitted your new boiler because she "liked his arse crack."

When your second wife runs off with the Avon lady because she "felt a bit like being a lesbian for a while."

I've been away for a while. Not in prison. I'm back now. Maybe.
This user is offline Yorkshire Kid

Location: gone....................
Registered: 17 Jan 09

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Posted: 2 Mar 12 10:04
Chopping chillis and then rubbing your eyes / picking your nose / holding your cock (for whatever reason).

Even worse when you do all three at the same time (extreme dexterity of one hand required).............

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts,
And I looked and behold: a pale horse.
And his name, that sat on him, was Death.
And Hell followed with him........
This user is offline Gentle with me

Location: (noun) a particular place
Registered: 7 Oct 08

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Posted: 2 Mar 12 10:48
There is a chart for assessing pain: Pain Chart.

It's very useful.

It allows people to rate how much of a pain in the arse I am at parties.


If 42 is the answer, the question is if 24 looks in the mirror, who does she see?

Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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