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Inchcock
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Inchcock

Location: Nottingham, England
Registered: 18 Jun 10

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Posted: 4 Feb 12 06:45 - Edited By: Inchcock, 4 Feb 12 06:46
Dear Spoof,

I'd like to say how grateful I am to your handsome, distinguished, and assiduous contributor and my guiding light Arm.

His wonderful advice given in relation to the situation concerning Sherwood Forest's trees, and his heightened sensitivity to beauty and big tits, are much appreciated.

My affections for the man are limitless, and freely available on request.

I thang you!

Inchcock
Outside Loo (to the left of the coalhouse)
Back Yard
Impecuniousville

(Tea and bikkies suppllied to visitors on Wednesdays)

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 4 Feb 12 14:45
Dear Spoof,

Can someone please tell me, how Mr Danton was given permission to build a town made of liquorice? I have been to Pontifract once, but did not get stuck on it. The whole place smacks of easy going folk with nothing better to do, but spend thier time in the local toilets.


Mrs Dia O'Reeha

The Cistern
Manhole on the Rood
Sewerlsham

You aint seen me.....right
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

Registered: 15 Oct 07

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Posted: 4 Feb 12 15:08 - Edited By: Erskin Quint, 4 Feb 12 15:09
Dear Spoof,

may I add my six penn'orth to this debate concerning the Dukedom of Pontefract, which was key to the establishment of Cromwell's Corridor of Ineptitude during the Third Liquorice War of 1843.

Pontefract, in point of fact, is a piece of cake to get to. Unlike Pontypool. I was up to the steering wheel in water when I went to Pontypool.

In Pontefract, they measure their parts in Pontefractions. In Pontypool, they play Pontypool all day, which is a kind of cross between snooker and water polo.

Once, the Pontypool team journeyed to America, in an attempt to proselytise their sporting heritage. It was a disaster, as they ended up in Buffalo. They created an unholy amalgam of snooker, polo and a cross water buffalo.

That, then, is the difference between Pontefract and Pontypool, in my eyes. The difference between my eyes is my nose.

But on the whole (and allowing no Pontefractions), I'd rather be in New Hampshire.

Yours sincerely,

John Noakes,
Tivoli Gardens,
Urkutsk

SERIOUS ABOUT DRIVEL
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 4 Feb 12 16:28


Dear Spoof,

I've decided to give myself up. I'm tired of my stupid life on the run. Crime's a mugs game. I've decided to settle down, serve my time in prison and repay my huge debt to society.

Can you help an ex-villain go straight?
Any amount will do. Even £10.

Please send cash:-

Leonard P Stretch
CO: Mrs Stretch
Under the Arches
Biggleswade



RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 6 Feb 12 18:19
Dear Spoof

I've always scrupulously stuck to the wise old adage "Dont believe what you read in the papers"

The trouble is I use a newspaper to check the tv listings and keep missing all my favourite programmes.

Lennie Gibbon
27 Hugh Grant Approach
Borneo

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armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 7 Feb 12 23:01
Dear Spoof,

On the QT, Can I avail Mr Juan of a cotchel of Albanian Green Ray DVD players I happen to have in my lock up? I got them for £22 at discount from "Alan the Albi" and all Im askin for, wiv a little bit for me expenses, is; £55 all in. Now then, that may seem a bit Longleat; (Taking a Lions share) But, you has to remember, I have overheads, me ex wife lives in the flat above wiv the dustbin lids. So, break me heart, I will let you ave them for £35 sovs on the nose. Cant be wrong there can I? See you in the cubicle at Charing Cross Station.

Long Tall Sally
The Ronettes
Topofthepops
London

You aint seen me.....right
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 8 Feb 12 06:54
Dear Spoof

I've managed to save the NHS a fortune in prescribing me costly high blood pressure drugs by simply cutting myself during moments of stress and bleeding into a bucket.

Neil Fetishist
Blackpool
Lancs

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Inchcock
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Inchcock

Location: Nottingham, England
Registered: 18 Jun 10

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Posted: 8 Feb 12 07:24
Dear Spoof,

I am in great pain in typing this letter, due to the as yet undiagnosed growths on my fingers and toes. (not that I'm typing with my toes you understand)

My arthritis and angina are both being kind to me this morning, and I appreciate the relief.

No bother with the stomach ulcer either today (as yet).

No Senior moments up to now (I think).

The new ticker is going great guns.

I've not lost my glasses, hearing aids, or the remote control for my 5" screened DVD player that does not work since I spilt my tea over it.

I've also taken my correct morning medications.

I am awaiting the day to lighten up, then I will feed the pigeons.

I mention these trivial boring details, because several paragraphs earlier, I'd forgotten what it was I was writing to you about, and thought if I waffled on, it would come back to me.

It didn't.

Thank you.

Halfinchcock
The Medical Conundrum Centre
Limpers Drive
Hobble Lane
Oxycodoneville
Nottingham



Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Chris James
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Chris James

Location: Mingehampton on the Why, UK
Registered: 29 Nov 09

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Posted: 8 Feb 12 09:04
Dear Spoof,

This guy looks just the sort of idiot who you would want to bite chunks out of when he argues with you in the pub. I bet he started it the smartarse... expublican... lolol... full of shit n thinks he's hard.

Links to The Sun newspaper, plus I check all my links for malware etc.

Why is he wearing a turban too! the tool.

I really am RAOFLMFAO at him. That'll teach him. I would write a Spoof about him but it wouldn't/shouldnt get accepted. However I shall say my views on the matter.

I'd rather he had been stabbed or shot too. Reminds me of Gregori Rasputin a bit, but he's uglier.

Unconcerned Historian
University of life
Mingehampton
Twotshire





-=Rumours of my death are completely accurate=-
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 8 Feb 12 09:21
Dear Spoof

If Inchy was a racehorse and I were a vet I would save us both the deep trauma and psychological scarring of my putting my hand up his bottom by drawing the humane killer and giving him one right between the eyes.

Mind you I'd miss the old bastard as he never fails to bring a smile to my impossibly handsome features. In fact if I were of Jamaican birth I'd pass him the 'erb and say "Easy now Rankin' Papa Inchy. Wha 'appen me bredrin"

PS Don't click on James' link. I just tried it and a boxing glove on a spring shot out of my monitor and punched me in the middle of my face.
On the bright side I'm a dyed in the wool masochist and became visibly aroused.

Clivey Dee
Having Day Off Due To Hangnail

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Chris James
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Chris James

Location: Mingehampton on the Why, UK
Registered: 29 Nov 09

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Posted: 8 Feb 12 09:30
Dear Spoof,

Those helmets at The Sun are at it again...

The Pelican Pub is actually called The Old Pelican Inn:

The Sun talk utter shit - how strange
Whoopsy daisy... it's a well known shithole...

Guilty your honour. Bite his other ear off.

Truthbringer
69 Bellend Terrace
Mingehampton
Twotshire

-=Rumours of my death are completely accurate=-
Inchcock
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Inchcock

Location: Nottingham, England
Registered: 18 Jun 10

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Posted: 8 Feb 12 17:47
Dear Spoof,

I'd like you to pass on my heartfelt thanks to that erudite whipper-snapper Mr Danton, for his delightfully caring nature and kind thoughts.

I realise now that I have seen him before, it was when I was travelling through London and my Skoda Estelle broke down. He adjusted my clunker nuts in a flash, but didn't wash his hands afterwards though.

At the time he was assisting Eric Sykes with the script for 'The Plank' I believe he said.

Oh, must go, time for me evenin' medicalisations.

LessthananInchcock (1ºc at the mo)

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 8 Feb 12 18:18
Dear Spoof,

Please inform Mr Inchcock, that, the growths on his fingers are "Greebles". A highly non contagious flomgin, aquired while Pidgeon scratching in the nude. If he had been wearing shoes, the "Greebles" would have fallen off, and his "Soffets" not spungeoned with Nompids.

I would also like to tell him, that I am thinking of him, and hope he will remain, pain free. If he ever needs a distraction, and would like to ring me, my number will be available to him if he PMs me.

Love Light and Peace
Dr giveit R Goe
The Puckoon
Little Dorit
Hamps





You aint seen me.....right
Chris James
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Chris James

Location: Mingehampton on the Why, UK
Registered: 29 Nov 09

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Posted: 8 Feb 12 21:44
Dear Spoof,

I was on You Tube and I found this disgusting filth:



It took me ages to clean my monitor afterwards from all the juices that hit it.

Disgusted
Mary Whitehouse Towers
Up The Creek
Mingehampton



-=Rumours of my death are completely accurate=-
Inchcock
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Inchcock

Location: Nottingham, England
Registered: 18 Jun 10

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 03:24
Dear Spoof.

I arose this morning (and it's been ages since I arose to anything) at 0300hrs, picked the blood off of my digits where I must have been subconsciously scratching at in my sleep, made a cuppa, past wind, went to the toilet (just in time), went into the front room and forgot why I went into the front room, searched in vain for my hearing aids, then turned on me laptop, to see a message on the forum from Mr Arm.

This was very informative, explaining that the growths on my fingers are indeed "Greebles", a highly non contagious flomgin. and had I been wearing shoes, the "Greebles" would have fallen off, and his "Soffets" not spungeoned with Nompids.

Although I occasionally lose it, this will put my mind at rest.

Many many thanks to Arm, and may his foibles be satisfied, and his Snow Leopards dentist visit be successful.

Inchy





Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

Location: Out on a limb
Registered: 5 Sep 08

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 03:47
Dear Spoof

Would you please release the man currently pointing a gun at my head in order to force me to type out the Mystery Of Puddleby Cove - Featuring The Spiffing Six until all hours of the morning, purely to satisfy three readers. Two of whom are family members?

It's just madness is this.

The wife's banging on the walls, demanding that I come to bed immediately, Arm has punched three holes in the ceiling as a result of an altercation with the snow leopard, and one of the fruit bats needs some eye drops from the chemist's.

How on earth can I be expected to deal with all this?

And get up to the pharmacy to get the fruit bat's eye drops and still squeeze in This Morning and Loose Women before I go to work?

I've given my all for this site. And then some.

Call the gunman off. Have a heart. I can't take much more of this. My ears hurt and I'm getting unsightly purple lumps on me bum.

Skoobius Minimus
Via Del Corso
La Bella Roma
On my iPad from my scooter

Aaaarrrrrghhh!

(Leader Of The Pack Moment There. - Can I fuck off now?)

RIP
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 10:04


Dear Spoof

Please pass this message on to your columnist, Skoobius.

Yes Skoobius, I am looking forward to becoming the 4th reader of your epic, Puddleby Cove. Just as soon as I've finished writing my own ' A Short History of Gresham College'. Meanwhile, could you also tell Skoobius to have a word with Mr & Mrs Shuttlecock re the current Spoof compo, Bad Romance. One hears that Mr S has a cunning idea. Is he related to the Baldrick family?

Sincerely,

Juanita Juan
(reporting half asleep from a crowded nudist beach in Caba San Lucas for CJ Sports News)



RIP
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 11:49



Dear Spoof,

I understand one of your readers owns a vintage Inchcock 1.4 and is looking for spare parts. First, may I offer my sympathies. The Inchcock always was an unreliable bugger. Hard to repair, riddled with rust, bits dropping off whenever taken out for a run, lousy big end the size of a shrivelled peanut. I'd suggest he puts it on a trailer and takes it down to Danton's in Whitechapel. They'll give him a good price. And don't ask awkward questions.

Yours faithfully

Ted Spanner
Rolls Royce Ltd
Barnsley



RIP
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 13:15 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 9 Feb 12 13:15
Dear Spoof

What a con these so-called non stick saucepans are. Last week I spotted one in a shop that had a price sticker on it. I mean who are they trying to kid?

I should also like to point out that in the post above Mr CJ said:

"parts"...."offer"...."hard"...."bits"...."taken"....."end"...."size"......"shrivelled"......"take down"......and....."big"



PS I didn't click On Chris's link in case it fuelled my unspeakable manly urges and launched me into vile acts of onanism and wanking and that.......honest.

Clivey Dee
Front Room
22 Shit Street
E13

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Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 13:33



Danton..

you miserable pervert!

Your attempt to turn a non-stick saucepan into a metaphor for the male whatnot is simply inaccurate.

Both in the literary sense and the biological.

Sincerely

Alice McRoger
Head of Science
Queen Mildred School for Girls




RIP
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 16:02
Dear Spoof,

Colonel Juan has started his post without the words, "Dear Spoof". This is like spitting in the Queens face. May I remind him of the penalty for such an act.

"He will be taken hence forth. and his scrotum will be nailed to the table of wrath. Next, the mighty anal cleansing pole will be inserted, side ways, whilst he is made to chew the rotting fish of sore mouth. His eyes will burn with the fury of 10 episodes of "Crossroads".
The ears will be split asunder with the sound of Gracie Fields singing "Sally". Then, and only then, will the subject be released to take up his position within the family of our high Priest, Clive Danton.

Nissan Main Dealer
South Africa

You aint seen me.....right
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 16:19


Dear Spoof..

Pleeeeeease...

I'll do anything!

Take my scrotum.. do with it what you will..

Pleeease...

Anything!

But NOT Gracie Fields..

Sincerely,

The Rev P Scrote,
Scrote Manor
Scrotecestershire,



RIP
Lynton
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Lynton

Location: Paris
Registered: 14 Oct 09

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Posted: 9 Feb 12 17:02
Dear Spoof

Can't afford that red Sea diving holiday? Wait 'til it rains, put on your diving mask and go stand in front of the fishmonger's. All the fun of diving without the expense of compressed air or aqualungs to bugger up your back.

Watching paint dry
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 10 Feb 12 05:32
Dear Spoof

Struggling to keep warm during the present cold snap? Simply sidle up to a Tibetan national at the bus stop on the way to work and ask him how things are back home. The chances are he'll then set fire to himself in a heartfelt protest about the Chinese occupation and will provide much needed warmth for you and your fellow commuters as you wait for a No197.

Burmese Richard
Poplar


PS You tell 'im Arm! Fucking protocol shunning liberty taker!

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Chris James
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Chris James

Location: Mingehampton on the Why, UK
Registered: 29 Nov 09

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Posted: 10 Feb 12 07:03
Dear Spoof,

I wish to register a complaint.

I wish to complain that my masterpiece I started barely days ago has been compromised and also plagiarized by a fellow spoofer who conned me into sending a number of chapters to peruse as she, or she, has published a spoof that will now make me look like Ive copied her.

It is absolutely ridiculous as I have spent many an enjoyable hour tackling the beast and now Im going to look even more of a twit than usual when I finish the fucker and publish the whole thing at once thus bringing the whole of TheSpoof to a grinding halt for three days at least as everyone says, Im not approving them, neither am I, fuck this for a game of soldiers, We need new rules about how much shite one can publish at once, ffs Its got links in it, etc...

The person who did this shall remain anonymous because Im not a bastard, but Ive fallen out with my conniving cousin who Im pretty sure had never heard of the word minion before.Perhaps she had, and also using Hells kitchen. It stinks.

saying that it is quite good, nay excellent and shows she has joined the Club of One who can actually write short stories.Im going to be her, I mean her, number twi.

Up yours,

The Master
69 Bellend Terrace
Mingehampton

-=Rumours of my death are completely accurate=-

54 Pages - «« « 6 7 [8] 9 10 » »»
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