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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 28 Jan 12 06:40
Dear Spoof

Can somebody please tell me why it is that Jack The Ripper can brutally murder and mutilate 6 prostitutes and get off scot free while all I did was grab the barmaid's arse in The Lord Rodney's Head Whitechapel and then got 100 hours community service for lewd conduct?

It strikes me there's one law for sexually insane late 19th century psychopaths and quite another for Joe Public

P. Sutcliffe
Billiards Room
Nice Comfy Hospital

Just leave it. Let it go...IT'S OVER!
Chris James
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Chris James

Location: Mingehampton on the Why, UK
Registered: 29 Nov 09

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Posted: 28 Jan 12 07:03
Dear Spoof,

Clive said... Bloke that pulls other mens

I am fookin dis custard.

Mary Shitehouse.
Plot 69, Censorship Cemetery
Mingehampton


-=Rumours of my death are completely accurate=-
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 28 Jan 12 14:44

Dear Spoof,

I am writing in answer to Mr SKOOB and his problem with the afore mentioned "Step Daughgter".
If he would like to leave his contact details at the front desk, I am sure I will be able to help him, apropos, "hatchete wielding maniac". I have just completed a two year course in this very subject, and am looking for my first victim. Hope this helps.

Yours faithfully

Percivez Fentingbuk

Homocidal Maniac Ward
HMP Broadmoor
Exeter

You aint seen me.....right
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 28 Jan 12 14:50
Dear Spoof,

Mr Danton is right, I have spent many a pleasent evening in Bethnal Green road, visiting places like; The Approach Tavern, The Earl Grey, and the Maquis of Cornwallis, to name but a few. It is with regret, that I now live in a village in Sussex, where there is not a sputoon or a fleck of sawdust in any tavern visited. If he could drag himself down here, maybe we could liven the fuckers up a bit.

Yours Sleepily

Mango Manfred
The filler Gap

Sussex

You aint seen me.....right
Lynton
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Lynton

Location: Paris
Registered: 14 Oct 09

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Posted: 28 Jan 12 16:28
Dear spoof

Somebody should put some luminous chemical in dog food so that their turds show up at night on the pavement. More people are killed every year by dog turds than by falling Russian space craft. Something must be done about this, it's no longer safe to walk the streets at night!

Watching paint dry
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 29 Jan 12 07:50
Dear Spoof

I strongly urge the people who appear in Dear Diedrie's Photo Casebook in The Sun to remove their pants before engaging in saucy romps so that they might enjoy a far more pleasurable albeit messier assignation.

Lucy Perineum
High Wycombe
Bucks

Just leave it. Let it go...IT'S OVER!
Inchcock
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Inchcock

Location: Nottingham, England
Registered: 18 Jun 10

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Posted: 29 Jan 12 08:11

Quote: Lynton

Dear spoof

Somebody should put some luminous chemical in dog food so that their turds show up at night on the pavement. More people are killed every year by dog turds than by falling Russian space craft. Something must be done about this, it's no longer safe to walk the streets at night!


Dear Spoof,

Mr Lynton is right you know!

Last December when I was mugged in the Nottingham Arboretum, I fell in some doggy-poo.

Had this been luminescent, the scum-git's might not have chosen a well lit spot, and I might still have my mobile, cash card, and 45p they stole!

Just thought I'd mention it.

Inchcock

Nemo Mortalium Omnibus Horis Sapit
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 30 Jan 12 00:00
Dear Spoof,

There is a rumour going arond thit I cunnt spill. i fong it very insilting thit peepol wud fin of me thot wey,
Pleese lit thim now i am a riter an can spill.


Yurs Sinserely

Arbot Funkinglep

Thu Rangold
Nether haiven
Glos

You aint seen me.....right
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
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Posted: 30 Jan 12 06:40
Dear Spoof

The small oblong sticker on bars of Cussons Imperial Leather soap makes an excellent non slip bath mat for bank voles

D. Attenborough
The Jungle

Just leave it. Let it go...IT'S OVER!
Lynton
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Lynton

Location: Paris
Registered: 14 Oct 09

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Posted: 30 Jan 12 18:02
Dear spoof

I tried to bank voles once but the cashier told me I couldn't. How come the bastards will take monkeys and ponies but not voles? Don't they need small change any more? Bloody recession! Bloody Europe!

Yours

A Pricklebottom
'The Hollies'
Inverbackside
Herts






Watching paint dry
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 30 Jan 12 18:30
Dear Spoof,

May I please apologise to Mr Lynton, for falling off the chair, and laughing my socks off at his latest letter.
I know it was a serious observation and should not be taken lightly, but it was hilarious.

Can I advise Mr Lynton to put the Voles in small change bags before going into the bank.

Yours sincerely

Klack Klock-Kock
The Missens
endretin-cum-Vulerintom
Dorset

You aint seen me.....right
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
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Posted: 30 Jan 12 18:37
Dear Spoof

I actually devised the bank vole missive after looking at the soap while I was showering this morning.

This is worrying on two levels....

a) it probably means I'm mentally ill

and

b) The CIA now know I use Cussons Imperial Leather and will probably have me strip searched and anally violated by a couple of hairy-arsed bull dykes at Kennedy Airport on the strength of it.

So not all bad then

Just leave it. Let it go...IT'S OVER!
Chris James
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Chris James

Location: Mingehampton on the Why, UK
Registered: 29 Nov 09

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 00:49
Dear Spoof,

I'm getting scared now.... Does the graph for points actually go over 10,000 per day?

I'm only asking in case it is linked to the end of the world.

Abel probably knows, but he is too busy writing Spoofs to try and keep up, while I'm down the pub drinking Guinness...

I may write another Spoof before the end of February... but as I have a month to do it and February is short, I don't see why I should bother....

See you in March suckers......

(I don't know who wrote that... but he must know EXACTLY what he is doing)

Ps... THIS IS A JOKE... I'm just messing about in quite a few ways, coz I can.... oh.. and I always could... let's not forget that......

[Apologies to the God of TheSpoof.. ie: Abel... and everybody else here.... I'm gong to come out of my Ivory Tower now and be extremely reasonable]



-=Rumours of my death are completely accurate=-
Chris James
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Chris James

Location: Mingehampton on the Why, UK
Registered: 29 Nov 09

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 02:54
Dear Spoof,

Here's how it's done but don't tell anybody... shhhhh

First get a PC with a Pentium i7 Chip. forget the ultra fast graphics card, you don't need it.

next, disable all addons

then backtrack and get rid of all the crap you don't need out of the operating system. (OS)

Do not format Drive: C.

Now, nip to your Android smartphine and root it with Jamrag Beta, which is the next version of Android. I've got a copy if u want it.

after this make a brew and start smoking Park Drive, you will need it.

Now,,, and this is the crux of the matter:

Network a couple of your best Spoofs... get a couple of thousand hits.. and then others do the ntworking for you while you drink Guinness and Creme de Menthe in the pub with that tranny you used to hate but now he/she is getting attractive.

If... and this is a big IF.. your Spoofs are of a high enough calibre, all those knobs on the net will do everything else for you... while you think of Mark... having already had his mortgage paid off by Abel Rodreguez... getting sunburnt bollocks on a beach somewhere exotic, playing a descant recorder, while realising he will be able to retire really soon... probably yesterday...

It really is that simple.

So.. get going everybody.... while I get back to me tranny... by which I mean Transit Van, coz I get paid nothing, which is fair enough, because if this site didn't exist I wouldn't be as deluded as I am that I have real talent.

-=Rumours of my death are completely accurate=-
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 06:36 - Edited By: Clive Danton, 31 Jan 12 06:37
Dear Spoof

Toast lovers, avoid the annoyance of having your toast land buttered side down when you drop it by waiting till it's hit the ground and then quickly buttering it before anyone notices.

Leonard Skinback
Falkland Isles

PS. Chris said "root"

Just leave it. Let it go...IT'S OVER!
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 15:47
Dear Spoof,

Dont know what to do with the left over milk in the bottom of the cereal bow? Simple, drill a hole in bowl, insert rubber bung, after breakfast, remove bung, leave bowl on table, blame cat for mess, watch wife kick the shit out of the cat you hate!



Cheers!

Omni Bearing

VOR 2d
Runway Five
Heathrow

You aint seen me.....right
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

Location: Out on a limb
Registered: 5 Sep 08

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 16:06
Dear Spoof

Tired of pets fouling the house? Get a long rubber tube with a funnel on the end, fix the tube end to the toilet seat with cable ties, and then nail the funnel end to the pets arse, and hey presto! Clean carpets.

Warren Tunnelmaze

Bester

RIP
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 16:44


Dear Spoof,

Problems breaking-in a new Gerbil?

Try Taliban X Cough Medicine

Sincerely,
Herman bin Sulphuric
Scaffold Dept
Kabul NHS





RIP
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
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Posted: 31 Jan 12 21:08
Dear Spoof,

I would like to complain about the men who occupied the toilet cubicles either side of me at Charing Cross Station.
Without prompting, the man on the left began to explain to me about his Snow Leopard, and his lodger that had reared Fruit bats! He explained that his wife had an exstending fist, that she uses when he, and the lodger, do not do as the wife says, He said it was affecting his home brew.

The man on the right, who claimed to be a Colonel, started giving me advice about breaking in Gerbils! When I explained I did not have one, he said he could pass a Gerbil under the door for a consideration.

Is it me, or has society gone mad? I would have expected at least a couple of sheets, when I informed them there was no toilet tissue in my cubicle. I heard a snigger, and the slamming of doors. I was in there for two hours. Luckily, a man wearing a hat, relieved my situation by letting me use his Duck to wipe my arse on.

Yours.
Tillet Dook
Osmosis-Cum-Fangle
Hants


You aint seen me.....right
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 21:19 - Edited By: Colonel Juan, 31 Jan 12 21:20



Dear Spoof

We're concerned about this summer's Olympic Games.

Will our boys be able to hold their own?

how far will they toss the gerbil?

Call today for One2One tuition:

Yours
Mario & Laurence Thripp-Mangle,
The Farmhouse,
226b Bayswater Rd,
W2



RIP
Lynton
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Lynton

Location: Paris
Registered: 14 Oct 09

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 22:33 - Edited By: Lynton, 31 Jan 12 22:34
Dear Spoof

Magnifying glasses 3/4d, tweezers 6/8, specially for would-be Gerbil tossers
(Suitable also for those who prefer sodomizing flies)

Watching paint dry
Erskin Quint
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Erskin Quint

Registered: 15 Oct 07

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Posted: 31 Jan 12 22:35
Dear Spoof,

are budgerigars suposed to glow at night? Ours does.

Ray D O'Active
Isa Tope
Cilla Field

SERIOUS ABOUT DRIVEL
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 1 Feb 12 00:00


Dear Spoof,

That Lynton's last effort was nothing but a half-baked acronym that belongs elsewhere.

He is guilty and must be either horsewhipped in my en suite library or similarly punished.

Suggestions please,

Mrs Fanny Armitage,
The Stocks,
Stoke Poges




RIP
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

Location: Out on a limb
Registered: 5 Sep 08

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Posted: 1 Feb 12 00:29
Dear Spoof

In defence of that Lynton - don't have a go at him or he'll blow your shed up. I had a minor disagreement with him last year and he blew my gazebo up. He's a dangerous man and best avoided.

In mitigation to Mr Arm - I was one of the people in an adjoining cubicle, and would have liked nothing more than to be of assistance by sliding some paper under the partition - but I was hanging onto the thrutching bars for dear life following a surfeit of black pudding and my arse was in ribbons.

One further question - Do fried breakfasts six times daily constitute a healthy diet? If not, I am banjaxed.

Who will look sfter the snow leopard and the fruit bats? And the lodger? What will become of him?

It's quite vexing when one thinks too deeply about it.

Donald Skoob

Lower Broughton

Salford

(Just off Broughton Lane by the breaker's yard.)

RIP
Chris James
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Chris James

Location: Mingehampton on the Why, UK
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Posted: 1 Feb 12 01:54 - Edited By: Chris James, 1 Feb 12 01:55
Dear Spoof,

I would like to congratulate Mr. Danton for breaking into number Ten. Well deserved. Now rob me some of Cameron's cutlery.

Chris James
69 Bellend Terrace
Minghampton.

-=Rumours of my death are completely accurate=-

54 Pages - «« « 4 5 [6] 7 8 » »»
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