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Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 18 Nov 12 19:12
Dear Spoof

Please inform Mr Slaughterer that his isolation and his blackballing from The Coal Hole Club is richly deserved and comes as no surprise to me whatsoever given his confrontational demeanour and his constant vitriolic attacks on the other punters which have seen countless victims of his acid tongue and dirty Japanese sneak attacks take their own lives and where he has even been known to gang up using a ratio of 12 to 1, causing quite a few bods to not only fold but to fold like girls.

I suggest we lure him to the boozer on 15th December with promises of free grog and a go on the barmaid and then once we have him within the portals we not only hang him but hang him high.

Huzzah!

Lorraine Kelly
22 You-Puir-Wee-Thing Avenue
Philip Schofield Trading Estate
County Paedo
Africa

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 19 Nov 12 01:42 - Edited By: Simon Saunders, 19 Nov 12 01:48
Dear Spoof,

May I be the first person to congratulate Lorraine Kelly on making the 1300th post on this marvellous thread.

As she would say, "That's luvleee."

Cow.

Sincerely,
Frank Bough,
Dodgy Franks Dodgy Sweater Company,
Syringe,
Oman

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
radiogagger
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radiogagger

Location: FM and DAB.
Registered: 29 Dec 11

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Posted: 19 Nov 12 15:59
Dear Spoof

Re published letter by Lady Camilla Tittington-Suckwell (is that her real name) on 18th November, fuckwittery is a new travel company to rival megabus and they run daily edinburgh to london services for 50p - half that of megabus. I understand they are environmentally friendly in that they use no petrol, basically the customer has to push the bus for the 19 and a half hour journey.

Best wishes
Sophie at National Express
Tin Tin House
Exmouth Market


'How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything'
T Harv Eker
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 19 Nov 12 18:50
Dear Spoof

I noticed earlier that there were 5 registered users online but all were inactive.

Small wonder then that we're fast becoming a nation of lardy-arsed gutbuckets and lumbering old tugboats with tits down to our ankles like Miss Chokesondick out of South Park.

So come on Spoofeteers haul your sorry asses from that sofa and give me 50.

I promise to spend it wisely.

Sebastian Penis-Restraint
Mumbai

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 19 Nov 12 23:56
Dear Spoof,

I would like to thank Sophie @ National Express for her advice but I can't be bothered.

My missus is very environmentally friendly as well. She recycles each and every one of the 32 bottles of gin she consumes on a weekly basis. She likes to smash them up before she takes them to the bottle bank. On the back of my head.

Cow.

Yours sore-headedly,
Frank Gonad,
Dafty Avenue,
Kippersford,
Malaysia

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 20 Nov 12 18:33
Dear Spoof

Like Mr Gonad I too have suffered greatly at the hands of my spouse. Only a few minutes ago I spotted her smoking a cigarette in the kitchen and innocently asked if I could have a few puffs.

She then turned on me with a wild-eyed look, of what I can only describe as deep hatred and exclaimed "Fuck off and roll yer own you lazy sod!"

It goes without saying that I immediately involved the police.

Teddy Spunk
Elstree




THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 20 Nov 12 19:36
Dear Spoof,

I think they both deserved a thrashing, trousers down six of the best. One of them is a nose pokerinner spy for S.M.E.R.S.H. and the other one is a drugs mule for the Magic Roundabout cartel. Flogging is a wasted past time on this pair of supermarket sweepers from Cornwall.


Major General Pol Potty
Flange Lodge
Flangington
Cornwall

You aint seen me.....right
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 23 Nov 12 00:53
Dear Spoof,

I was having a bit of a chat with the missus about sex and decided to ask her a question about orgasms.

"How do you know if a woman is faking it?" I asked.

"She'll be having sex with you." Was her helpful reply.

Yours pathetically,
Lou Zerr,
Rumpy Pumpy Lane,
The Nether Regions,
Botswana




Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

Location: West Sussex
Registered: 11 Jun 10

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Posted: 23 Nov 12 17:35
Dear Spoof,

I was minding my own business when a policeman came up, placed me in handcuffs and whisked me away in a van with blue lights flashing. At the police station, the desk seargent ask what I was being charged with. The PC replied.
"Indecent exposure guv".

I said I was totally innocent and pointed out that it stated quite clearly in my gardening book, "Dont forget, Prick out, when doing the roses".


Arthur Pickle
The Mongs
Kentishire

You aint seen me.....right
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 26 Nov 12 15:44
Dear Spoof

What a con these so-called severe weather warnings are. On the BBC news a moment ago I heard the forecaster quite clearly say. "The worst is yet to come as the heavy rain and strong winds move north"

This is quite clearly errant nonsense. I live in London and as far as I'm concerned the worst is very much over and the fact that people in the north of the country are going to be killed by falling trees is neither here nor there to me.

Dave Fuck
Leeds

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 26 Nov 12 18:06
Dear Spoof,

I have to say I found Mr Fuck's couldn't care less attitude towards Northerners being killed by falling trees as a result of errant weather a complete disgrace.

I myself personally have been killed six times today because of collapsing trees, three times on the way to work, once at lunchtime and a further two times on my way home.

Knowing my luck it'll happen again tomorrow.

May I also remind Mr Fuck that without us Northerners who would he have to take the piss out of? Apart from the Welsh of course.

Charlie Whippet,
T'Pub
T'North.

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

Location: London
Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 29 Nov 12 13:20
Dear Spoof (now celebrating it's glorious 1311th post)

What a con these so-called mature dating sights are. I joined one the other day thinking I'd be asked to guess the age of various collectables and antiques in a sensible and grown up manner, only to find it was full of a load of dodgy old tugboats wanting to have sex with me.

Gus Tagnut
Old People's Home
Millwall
Taiwan

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

Location: Out on a limb
Registered: 5 Sep 08

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Posted: 30 Nov 12 03:59
Dear Spoof

You're getting way too sinister for my liking.

Normal Bates

Route 66.

RIP
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 30 Nov 12 17:12
Dear Spoof,

I've just come home after picking up some weekend provisions from me local Farm Foods.

Imagine my amazement when the "cuddly" lady in front of me spent £198 on her shopping with not a vegetable in sight. Unless you count her and her unruly kids of course.

I was wondering if this is some kind of world record. I would've written to Norris McWhirter off the BBC's 'Record Breakers' but I can't because he's dead.

Can anyone help?

Yours hungrily,
Gary Carrot,
Brussels,
Swede(n)

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

Location: Convent of the Queer, WV
Registered: 17 Feb 12

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Posted: 30 Nov 12 17:25
Dear Spoof:

Is there a dermatologist writing on your site? I have a large, red rash on my gonads. Have you any idea what it may be?

Kenaya East

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Registered: 29 Nov 11

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Posted: 30 Nov 12 17:36
Dear Spoof

Yeah you have your pantyhose inside out again and the seam's chaffing your cobbler's awls.

Oprah Winfrey
Silvertown
East London

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 3 Dec 12 17:40
Dear Spoof

I'm just stepping outside gentlemen.

I may be some time.

x

Clive Danton
The Eagle's Nest
Wapping

THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

Location: Out on a limb
Registered: 5 Sep 08

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Posted: 3 Dec 12 18:44
Dear Spoof,

May I just take this opportunity to categorically state that my good friend Clive is in no way one of them racialists.

In my experience, Sir Clive finds all forms of racism abhorrent. What he does do, is mercilessly lampoon racist types - in his own inimicable style.

The reality of the situation is that some people are inherently racist, but they don't even see it. These are the people Clive mocks with his comments.

The late, great, Johnny Speight wrote 'Til Death Us Do Part' with an identical message in mind.

Personally speaking, I find this all rather sad.

And I sincerely hope that Clive reconsiders his decision to take his leave.

With a heavy heart,

Skoob.

RIP
Simon Saunders
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Simon Saunders

Location: The Republic of Ninnies.
Registered: 22 Feb 12

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Posted: 3 Dec 12 18:49
Dear Spoof,

Regarding Skoobs comments.

Here here.

Simon

Currently discussing possible legal action with his lawyer after not winning the writing compo
HaveIGotNewsForYou
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Registered: 5 Jul 12

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Posted: 3 Dec 12 20:58
Dear Spoof,

I see history repeating itself here.

With accusations leveled and and totally innocent individuals forced from the spoof.

Reminds me of The Crucible (and I don't mean Ray Reardon and Steve Davis).

Reminds me of McCarthyism (and I Don't mean Fergus...what happened to him anyway?)

Seems to me that those who cry "foul" - where there is no "foul" - are the reason why sadly this board is a precocious place to tread.

I expect I shall be gone in the 'morn.

Good Luck

HIGNFY

armfeetandtoe
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armfeetandtoe

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Posted: 3 Dec 12 21:41
Dear Spoof,

I am so angry, I have not only bitten through my hand, I have also given the gold fish a damn good thrashing, because I know they will have forgotten about it, until the next time. If Clive Danton does not return, I am going to put my testicles in a vice and turn the handle every day until he writes something on this forum.

^^^^^^^What he said.

Mr Armfeetandtoe
In his shed at home in West Sussex.

You aint seen me.....right
Francois Dubois, S.J.
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Francois Dubois, S.J.

Location: Convent of the Queer, WV
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Posted: 3 Dec 12 22:14 - Edited By: Francois Dubois, S.J., 3 Dec 12 22:15
I played John Proctor in that show.

"Who is John Proctor? WHO IS JOHN PROCTOR!"

Then the bastards hanged me.

(The critics too.)

"And the lowly dogs licked Gaztopimus clean as he slept."
From the Lost Gospels of the SSHites: Chapter 6, verse 48
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 4 Dec 12 05:28
^^^^^^ Godamn colonial s.o.b. (can I say "colonial"?) , flying in the face of thread convention by omitting "Dear Spoof" from message there.

Dear Spoof

Is it just me or is it a little cold in here?

Firstly I'd like to thank all the kind folks who sent me their support, both on the forums and via electronic mail etc. It was both heartening and humbling so thank you.

Secondly I'm not going to waste my time defending my position, vis a vis my alleged outbreak of rabid racism, as some of you have already done so in far more eloquent fashion than I ever could.

Suffice to say that I thought, mistakenly as it's turned out, that by lampooning the very type of individual I despise, my anti racist stance would come across all the more vehemently. If I offended anyone with my rather colourful choice of language in so doing then I offer my sincere apologies.

Finally, and just to add colour to my opinion on those who castigate and deride their fellow human beings, who happen to have a different colour skin to themselves or who worship a different God, my father, an active trades unionist, was imprisoned and beaten in a Johannesburg police station for championing the rights of black mineworkers during the dark days of Apartheid.

I learned all I needed to know about the stinking cancer of racial intolerance at his knee.

Now before I mosey off into the setting London smog my fiends, (sp)?, I should like to remind you all that there's still a compo to be entered and won, and furthermore, now that I'm no longer on the scene the way is open for one of you to piss all over all the other writers and win by an absolute country mile, so in the words of the immortal Brucie......KEEEEEEEEP SPOOFING!

x

Cliveypops
Moving purposefully away from the tent
Alabamee



THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Clive Danton
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Clive Danton

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Posted: 4 Dec 12 08:40
THE SATIRIST'S SAFE HOUSE.....IT AINT HALF SSHITE MUM
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 4 Dec 12 17:08
Dear Spoof,

Who is this mysterious Gang Of Four?

Just curious

Sherlock Baskerville
Holmes Mansions
W1

RIP

54 Pages - «« « 50 51 52 [53] 54 »
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