Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof

Please convey my thanks to Mr Hobbs.

Aaaaarrrrrrghhhh!

Desperate.

Skoob.

Dear Spoof

I've just been looking through a catalogue of work by the Belarussian painter Marc Chagall. However in order to counteract the rather gay aspect of my actions I stepped outside immediately afterwards and beat two Somali passers by into a bloody pulp.

Neddy Matisse
222 Left Bank Approach
Tierra Del Fuego

Dear Spoof:

The holidays are fast approaching and with them the annual The Spoof Christmas party. Last year an anonymous someone, unnoticed, put Viagra in the Christmas punch. Our research indicates that it had no effect, as the birthrate among The Spoof writers is down. Further research has determined that the Viagra was bogus, coming from a Canadian pharmacy or that the male writers are gay!

This office recommends that all Spoof writers (male and female) that attended last years Christmas party report to the National Health Service (NHS) offices in London for a complete physical examination. For writers living abroad, travel costs are your responsibility.

Thank you,
Peter Willy Johnson

Richmond House
79 Whitehall
London SW1A 2NS

Dear Spoof,

I wish to quell any rumours that TheSpoof Christmas Party will be held in Dorking abattoir. Although spacious, pleasantly odourful, and with a gentle ambience, the abattoir has already been booked by Dorking's Cannibal Matinee Club for the week of our party, and for many days afterward while they attempt to purge the premises of any evidence of their depraved acts.
Therefore, I heartily recommend Dorking graveyard for an atmospheric night out for the Christmas Party. Dorking graveyard, what better place is there to spend time with people of Dorking past and present, who will no doubt appreciate the atmosphere of a happening and funky young set of writers who want to take the piss out of the town.

Yours, conditionally,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

Dear Spoof,

Further to our earlier correspondence, regrettably Dorking graveyard does not host parties and is therefore ineligible for TheSpoof Christmas party. This is a disappointment as I know how many of you were looking forward to its unique ambience and the grave-robbing party games we could have enjoyed.

I have therefore applied to Dorking rubbish tip to see if they can fit us in at short notice. "The tip" is a treasure trove of the unknown, with a unique ambience and a whiff of the unwanted. I also think that by sitting next to an enormous pile of discarded detritus, our Spoof writers will feel completely at home.

Yours, despairingly,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

Dear Spoof,

I regret to inform you that Dorking rubbish tip is no longer available for our Christmas party. It has been fully booked by the staff of NewsWank, a fellow satirical website who are rather more organised.

However, I have managed to procure a section of a pipe in Dorking sewage system, large enough to seat 37 Spoofers. After entering a manhole near the treatment plant, it is a short walk through knee-deep human waste to the most unique Christmas party location anywhere.

With its unique ambience and scent of effluence, it is sure to make Spoof writers feel right at home. Watch the faecal matter of famous Dorking residents float by as you enjoy your meal. Best of all, you don't even need to get up to go to the toilet.

See you there,
Lieutenant General Captain Field Marshal Baron Salami-Baloney Cumberland Chipolata the Third

Dear Spoof

Following a directive from my wife last night I repeatedly slammed the lounge door on my penis resulting in extensive bruising.

How we both laughed when we realised I'd misheard her when she'd asked me to "turn the clock back"

Major General Deaf-Faux Pas
Hospital

Dear Spoof:

Just why would you claim to be a satire site when your writers write only truth? Are you having us on or what?

Sincerely,
Rand Paul

Dear Spoof,

I would like to sing a song.....errhem....

"Oh little flo, I love you so, especialy in your nightie......When the moonlight flits.....across your tits...Oh jesus christ almighty".......

Thank you.

Rev. Peasmond Everhard
Little Bumpstead
Oxon

Dear Spoof,

Jeg taler ikke dansk.



Yerg Yarg

Dear Spoof,

Ningependa kiss paka wako.


Chief KaMpande
Kwajim Station
Shiyane Netal.

Dear Spoof,

Efallai i eistedd gyda'ch chwaer.


Blodwin Cheesewater.
Black Mountains
Welsh

Dear Spoof,


Chiudere l'ano per favore.


Don Corleone
Corleone
Sicily

Dear Spoof (now celebrating 1263 glorious posts despite the odd mad fucker trying to bin it)

During a recent spell in hospital I was absolutely outraged to see a number of the female staff dressed in saucy nurse's outfits.

Surely these flighty young jezebels could at least wait until the weekend to engage in sexually explicit role play.

Steven Fuck
Farringdon
London

Dear Spoof,

Please inform Mr Fook, that our nursing staff are a professional body of people that do not indulge in smutty fornication and wild sex parties.

Give me a ring big boy.


Matron Cleaver
Carry on Camp
Pinwood

Dear Spoof,
I mostly earn my living as a writer of detective fiction novels, but in my spare time I like to help police solve actual cases such as murders. Sometimes they just ask me to re-investigate old cases for them, just to make sure they'd made no mistakes. I'm re-investigating an old case for them now, of a gentleman police files show as having passed away in August of '77. However, many sightings of the gentleman have since been reported around the world.

If the gentleman is in fact still alive it would be helpful when tracking his whereabouts down for me to have a photograph of his face, but so far I've not been able to find any even though according to what the police here have told me he was a quite well known singer, with a following not only here in America but also over there in the UK. I'm therefore wondering whether any of your UK writers or readers might have a photograph or magazine picture showing the gentleman's face they wouldn't mind me borrowing. The name of the gentleman I am investigating and looking for is Elvis Aaron Presley.

Sincerely,

Miss Jessica Fletcher.
Cabot Cove,
Maine.
US.

^^^^^^ Tommy Twinkle there folks!

Dear Spoof

I'm going to be working on a couple of motors this afternoon. Nothing too taxing or diabolical. Routine services really, oil change, coolant replacement, sidelight bulb, fuel filter you know the sort of thing my friends. After that I'll have a nice Bob Squash in the old shower and get pissed.

I thought it'd make a nice change for me boys and girls. I mean it's as good as a rest really aint it?

Olive Danton
Couch
Indoors
London
Africa

Dear Spoof,

That Danton fellow is such a rough house. Talking about dirty oil, greasy car bits, its enough to make one want to scrub the conservatory with bleach. I have written a letter.


Mrs Evadnee Morris-Minor
The Garage
Under the Arches
Lambeth

Dear Spoof,
I must start by thanking the kind readers who posted those three old magazine pictures of Mr Elvis Presley to me. Much appreciated. The one showing him as a baby in a pram is unlikely to be of much use to me in tracking his present whereabouts down, but many thanks to the person who sent it all the same.

The other two magazine pictures show Mr Presley as being rather slim. This could be important because he is described in the 1970's police department files as being rather large around the waist and with a much more rounded face. Was he wearing a false disguise intending to remove it after he'd arranged for his supposed demise to be announced to the public? At the very least it suggests to me he'd been deliberately wearing a tractor tyre under his shirt and was padding out the cheeks of his face with large handfuls of cotton wool during those final few years before he disappeared over the horizon. Or was the tractor tyre and cotton wool simply for him to present a more physically attractive appearance to his new generation of young female fans in those times. A good detective never jumps to conclusions of course.

The disguise he's using today? Hard to say - nowadays he could be bearded and bald. I'm wondering whether any of your readers might have a more recent picture of Elvis I could borrow from them? I need to find him quickly because there were six more murders in Cabot Cove last night and the police have already been round to my place three times this morning begging me to solve them. Anyway, thanks again for the Elvis pictures.

Sincerely,

Miss Jessica Fletcher.
Cabot Cove,
Maine,
USA.

^^^^^^^^Tommy Twinkle again there!!! I like old Tommy me. He writes a good spoof does Tommy. Of course none of his spoofs are as good as mine........NOBODY'S ARE!!!!

Dear Spoof

I'm going to fit a new clutch cable in my mate's bird's Toyota Yaris later.....YOU'RE NOT!!!

Then I'm going to settle down to watch The Abu Dhabi Grand Prix whilst whistling up cups of tea and tasty snacks from my missus who will immediately hop to it and bring me in a lovely mug of splosh and a jam doughnut within seconds saying lovingly "Here you are you handsome brute you! If you need anything else just snap your fingers and I'll be standing attentively at your side within seconds simply aching to serve you and do your bidding. Thank you for talking to me you absolute hunk you, I really dont deserve it you know. Here's a million quid up front for sharing the same room with me"...........................I expect.

Cliveypops Dee
Shed
Back Garden
Olde London Towne

Dear Spoof,

I hate that Danton fellow. He wins all the writing competitions and has a large garden shed. Why should a grease mechanic monkey type have all the glory? Eats jam donughts and swills beer if you please. Bastard, where was he in the war? Under a bloody tank I suppose tinkering like that Bilko bloke off the telly. I was in the trenches, right on the front, digging huge great clods of earth and throwing them over my shouder. I bet he comes from that West Ham, and I bet he is good mates with that foul mouthed git Alf Garnet. Bastard. Do the Home Office know he is an illegal painter and decorator? Im writing a letter.


Eric Plunge
Wittle Hume
Oxford

Dear Spoof,

Re: Mr Plunge's accusation towards Mr Danton.

I do the occassional bit of illegal painting and decorating. Although when the case got to court it was described as "defacing public property."

Banksy,
An underpass,
Bristol

Dear Spoof,

What is the world coming to!! First of all, we have a slathering Duckams oil sniffer leaving his daub all over the city, and now! An ink drinking illegal painter who has admitted to painting the town red! Where is the bloody United Nations when you need them. I am writing a second letter, and this one will be TWO pages long!!!


Eric Plunge
Witterings
Oxford

Dear Spoof,

The BBC should pat itself on the back for getting rid of the current Director General. He will only be getting £2.5 million in compensation and a pension at 65. Plus, they have made room for another Knight Templar (33rd Degree) on the square Brother to take his place and cover up even more abuse claims against our favorite Auntie.


Enid O'Blyton
Snodland
Kent

Dear Spoof,

Having read in an article somewhere that the finest subversive internet stories emerge from the keyboards of the seriously demented in the wee small hours, this is just to let you know that I'm keeping an eye on you bastards.

One can never be too careful.

Shuttlecock,
Titchfield.