Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof

Please inform Dooboys that he needs the services of a competent editor.

12 pound an hour.

Also that I haven't a fucking clue how Tommy Becket's headache is doing.

Carson Francis
Dublin.

Dear Spoof,

Now then, listen here you bunch of rascals.

Far be it from me to complain about the so-called "articles" here, but I feel I must complain in the strongest possible terms about the plethora, yes that's right, plethora, of Kate Middleton stories currently on this site. It's an absolute outrage. Perhaps you should have a seperate section for stories about the Duchess' chesticles to satisfy the sweaty palmed, juvenile fudknuckles who wish to rummage in their pants while reading. Personally I employ a man to do that for me. He's called Carstairs and he has a very light touch don'tcha know.

I am not a prude in any way, I even took a bath in the nude once, and I do like to keep abreast of the royal shenanighans but all this talk of boobs, tits, jugs, jubblies, funbags, chest bollocks, knockers, bosoms and mammories is way below the standard I have become accustomed to since I started viewing this site nine minutes ago.

If I wanted to read about tits I'd buy the latest installment of Wayne Rooneys autobiography. Apparently it covers every minute of his life so far. It should be riveting.

I'm off to play with me corgi's, and no, that isn't a euphamism. You filthy, rotten, royal titties obsessed collection of ne'er do wells.

This would never have happened to the Princess of Arses. Diana most certainly never got her norks out in public. She saved that sort of thing for the Hewitt fella. Posh tosser.

Yours irrately,
Charles Saxe-Coburg,
Kaiser Willems Wine Cellar,
Bolton,
Germany.

PS. I have forwarded a copy of this letter to the magazine that published the tits out photos. If it wasn't bad enough that the French murdered Princess Diana with a faulty tunnel they now print these pics in a grubby little magazine. Bastards.

Dear Spoof

I have just finished watching with a sense of utter dismay and abject horror a BBC news report from Syria which featured the appalling imagery of screaming mothers carrying the broken bodies of their babies from smashed and burning buildings, reduced to rubble by yet another murderous attack from Syrian jet fighters for whom the terms collateral damage and precision bombing seem to be alien concepts.

This is stinking filth on the grand scale and a damning indictment, not just on the Syrian armed forces but mankind as a whole that men can inflict such horror and misery on innocents.

Remind me not to complain about anything again will you my Friends.......ever!

Clive Danton
Despairing World Citizen
London

Dear Spoof,

In response to Mr Danton's letter.

I just watched the same report and find it impossible to understand how human life has such little value to the barbaric rulers of Syria. Will they stop at nothing to ensure they continue to retain power? It looks that way. It's disgusting beyond belief.

Well said Clive.

Simon,
Edinburgh.

Dear Spoof

Whilst in agreement with your previous two correspondents regarding the appalling decline of civilisation in Syria, and the consequent outbreaks of appalling barbarism, I feel compelled to write about the almost forgotten art of writing about various anatomical features of the human body, as pioneered by the carpetbaggers and cowboys who made America what it is today.

It's quite plain that the world (And Stumbleupon) is crying out for more of this sort of thing. There's been a dearth of smut around these here parts recently, and on Google News too, and I think it's a sin and a shame that we don't get more of it.

So what are you waiting for?

Excite me! You know you wanna!

Len Shapcott
Bingley.

Dear Spoof,

I've just been watching the Ryder Cup and was delighted to see Europe's golfers rise like a Phoenix from the flames and defeat the USA, USA, USA.

However, if I ever hear anyone say "get in the hole" again (no laughing at the back) I will be forced to take drastic and violent action against the individual who utters those words.

Having said that I was thinking of shouting "get in the goal" next time I'm watching England play footy and "get in the court" next time Andy Murray does tennis just so I can sound as moronic as these golf fans.

I realise that your publication has nothing to do with golf but if you or your readers can do something about it I would be very grateful as it gets right on my tits.

Mr Gain
The 19th Hole,
Trollope Country Golf Course & Hotel,
Divvyshire.

^^^^^^^ triumphalist, anti American cyber bully who, like myself, had to have the grin surgically removed from his face on Sundee nite.

Dear Spoof

I'm at a bit of a loss as to why the Welsh police have still failed to discover the whereabouts of the missing 5 year old baby despite the fact they have her abductor in custody.

Have they not heard of the thumbscrews or The Rack?

No really!

The Grand Inquisitor
The Comfy Chair
Torremolinos

Dear Spoof

What a con these so-called TV guides are. Earlier on I noticed it quite clearly stated in the tv section of The Sun: Film 4 - 1.45 The Password Is Courage and yet when I typed it into the box beneath my username on Maturesingasmasks.org a boxing glove on a spring shot out of my monitor and smashed me in the face accompanied by a loud voice bawling "Oi Cliveypops!......NO!"

I felt miserable

Thwarted of The Isle Of Thanet
Neptune
Space

Dear Spoof:

I must point out that your magazine series, My life as a man, is a taste-less, point-less, mass of letter-drivel, and that your publication is lowering the IQ of the entire universe by printing it.

I am a pyromaniac, and my life is far more interesting that this Duboisesesses' ever was.

I will accept $25000 (US) per word to write for you, if I can find the time. You're in luck: my schedule is free for some time now.

Please respond to Ted (K), 3227467985, US Federal Barracks, Ft. Leavenworth, KS.

P.S.: Send stamps!

Dear Spoof,

Would you please advise Mr Dubrovnivous,that my name and body are worth a fortune to the advertiser. Can he therefore please seek permission before use.


Thank you

Sendme Stamps
China Town
London West

Dear Spoof,

I was walking down the street today, and saw a man laying in the road with his ear to a manhole cover. I walked up to him and asked if he was okay.

He said, "Ere, you have a go"

So I layed in the road and put my ear to the manhole cover.
Standing up, I said to the man; "I cant hear a thing".

"I know" he said; "It's been like that all day"


I thang yor

Armfeetandtoe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
West Sussex

Dear Spoof: It has recently come to my attention that there is quite a bit of overlap between the list of users on your site and the list of sex offenders on that other site. My question is: Are you nicking names off their lists or are they "borrowing" names off of yours?

Just Wandering
Cadbury on Chocolate

Dear Spoof,

I've just been watching the BBC News show 'Newswatch.'

One of the guests on the show was a viewer who'd written in about the BBC's role in the Sir Jimmy Savile sexual abuse scandal.

While the scandal is obviously disgusting the mans name made me laugh.

Terry Berry.

You'd have thought his parents would've avoided calling him Terence.

I'll bet they probably gave him Jeremy as a middle name as well.

Arnold Drone,
Pakistan,
Chesterfield.

^^^^^^^ cyber bully and tormentor-in-chief of Edward Woodward


Dear Spoof

The murderous Abu Hamza and his odious cohorts have finally left these shores to face American justice. The air in London is going to taste just a little sweeter today methinks.

Edward Woodward
Windward Islands
Colliers Wood
Woodstock

Dear Spoof

In response to your previous correspondent, let us all pray that the air be clearer, and the sun shine brightly on the righteous few in the vicinity of The Strand today.

HUZZAH!

Skoob.

Dear Spoof

"The righteous"???

Keep the barmaids out of this you sniveling, folding, sleep losing little tic!

We'll be drinking to absent friends this afternoon Skoobie.

Now GET OUT!!!

Clivey Dee
c/o The Coal Hole
Strand
Egypt

Dear Spoof

If anyone's deluded enough to think that continually recycling the same old toot ad nauseum is somehow going to rejuvenate the site, then perhaps they ought to sign up with the BBC.

Fanny Craddock
Tring.

Dear Spoof,

This place has gone right down hill since the subsidence.





Mrs Enid Blooton
Warbourtons
Birminghamshire

Dear Spoof

While we're on the subject of books - the Dorking Review 2 is coming out soon. And there's a launch piss up at the Coal Hole on December 15th.

I hope I don't fall off Waterloo Bridge, but I'll be buggered if I'm paying four squids for a one stop tube ride.

(Take note TFL)

Bobby Bollocks
Southampton.

Dear Spoof,

If having trouble finding ideas for writing a satirical article, simply copy and paste an existing article from a news website, and randomly insert the word "poo" throughout it. Hilarity will undoubtedly ensue.

Brigadier Matron Persephone Fudge, deceased

Dear Spoof,

Here is a cheap way to decorate the lounge.

Copy the wallpaper from the dinning room and paste in the lounge. Saves time and money.

Eric Blum
Penge

Dear Spoof,

If you haven't got the money to buy a kindle or whatever just pop to your local bookshop, find a book you want, then photograph every page on your mobile phone.

Hey presto! You now have the book you want and it's cost you nowt.

Barney Noble,
Inside a Kinders Egg,
Monkfish.

Dear Spoof:

Have you an ornothologist writer on your staff? I have a plague of English Starlings sitting above my house. They are very bothersome and will not eat anything but buttered scones.

That costs me too much and I can no longer feed the darling Irish wrens. And if I don't feed the wrens they tend to build nests in my chimney that cause fires and explosions when their bird shit catches fire.

Is there someone over there in England responsible for returning illegal aliens to the UK? I called Arizona governor Jan Brewer to ask how to deal with these illegals and she said to blow my house up to deny them shelter. Well, it would do that, of course, but then I'd have to sleep in my car with all the other native songbirds.

So, do you have any advice?

Rex Baumgartner
Patriotic Saint of American Fork, Utah

Dear Spoof,

Re; Rex Bumgardener's starling problem.

If I were him I'd buy a shotgun to blast them to smithereens or alternatively save up your used toilet roll and employ a slingshot to fire it at them when their sly little backs are turned. You will be left with a roof resembling a collander or a public toilet but it's a small price to pay and should rid you of the pesky feathered fiends.

Larry Hitman,
A Grassy Knoll,
Nuclear Bomb Lane,
Iran.

PS. Could Mr. Bumgardener send me some buttered scones as payment for my excellent words of advice? Ta.

Dear Spoof,

please send my deepest apologies to Skoob.

We'll try and pick it up in the second half.

Sir Alex Ferguson,
Losing
Old Trafford