Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof

I would like to express my outraged indignation at the amount of utter drivel and total bollocks spouted on a daily basis in the readers comments section of the Mail Online.

I didn't not fight in two world wars for freedom with this in mind!

What a sad state of affairs.

Carmel McSharry
Hove.

Dear Spoof

What is it with so called satirists? Why the hatred and contempt for people who attempt to raise a smile?

I would have thought that perhaps we all had something in common.

Seems not.

Competetive spirit? Plain malevolence?

Dunno. It's all a bit mad though.

Makes no sense.

Skoob.

Dear Spoof,

I am unanimous with that there SKOOB bloke. What has happened to the laughter? The pathos, insults, meaningless drivel, awkward points of view, demanding tantrums, pleasing rhetoric, crap jokes, wearing diatribe, screaming mincing hand bags at dawn, brown nosing, arse wiping, dribble, hum drum piffle, words of wisdom, Norman wisdom,
insight, out of sight, out of mind, out of our minds with happiness, sadness, largess, less than best, best story, worst story, loss of face, top writers chart race, in your face, keeping pace, being bland, getting panned, bashing the newbie, bashing the critic, bashing the bosh, ignoring replies, asking why, inane banter, melodic ranting.

Yes, there is something missing, god knows what it is.

Arm xxxxxxxxxxx
West Sussex

Dear Spoof,

When are the chaps coming back? It has been a while now and it is getting very lonely. Where is that Danton bloke? Oh well, back to the slug painting.



Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Spoof,

Maybe if I promise not to post on here they will come back.





Arm

Dear Spoof

Sometimes the best way to get them back, is tell them you don't want them back. Then they'll never leave you alone!

Dear Spoof

I gave some geezer a lift to the paralympics yesterday. Poor bleeder was in absolute shit state and could quite easily have been a contender for a medal himself. He had three eyes, no arms and only one leg.

I pulled up alongside him and said "Eye eye eye! You look 'armless, hop in"

Absolutely true story that.

Clivey Dee
CEO Humane and Good Taste Society
Shoreditch.

Dear Spoof

May I say what a divine pleasure it is to see Cliveypops popping in for the occasional cup of tea and slice of Battenburg.

Also, I shouldn't really be here. I should be trawling my ticket touting contacts in search of tickets for today's United match at Southampton.

But the wife's ruled that out on economic grounds. I'm trying to sweet talk her into changing her mind, but I'm rapidly running out of time.

Martin Shuttlecock

Titchfield.

Agreed, Skoob. Get the Danton back here posting.

Is there a Southampton United then?

*deadpan*

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ cyber bullyetta

Dear Spoof

I should like to take this opportunity to express in the strongest possible terms my abhorrence at these concerted, sustained attacks by what can only be described as a slathering pack of cyber bullies on Ellis, a man completely unable to defend himself either verbally or indeed physically.

Mind you even if he wasn't in France on his holidays he wouldn't be able to do either anyway because he's a thick bastard and a complete fucking weed.

The Right Bloody Reverend Olive Wisteria
Peugeot Compass Campervan
The Pyrenees

Dear Spoof

What a con these so-called iPods are. In Chapter 207 of the instruction booklet it clearly stipulates: "For best results synch your iPod with your PC or laptop"

However after throwing them both into the Thames in a weighted sack and then hauling them out again a few hours later I was disgusted to find that neither of them was working at all!

Buffalo Bill Gates
Silicon Ignition Seal Valley
Africa

Dear Spoof,

Buffalo Bill Gates' letter reminded me of the time I made a complete arse of myself in me local Weatherseal showroom.

Much to my embarrassment it turns out they don't stock any Microsoft Windows.

Oh dear.

Ben D. Bus
Grapplehorn Terrace,
Isle of Bogs.

Dear Spoof,

We are the angry mob, we like who we like, we hate who we hate and we are all so easily led.

We are the angry mob....

Thanks

The Coal Hole Gang

Chris......Chris.....Chris!!!!!

It's far better for a man to have people think he's a cunt than to open his mouth and confirm it to the entire world

Be lucky champ x

Dear Spoof,

I wholeheartedly support Mr Watts (Oh No's!) comment.

May I extend my gratitude to him for his wonderful return to The Spoof.

Jim the Looney,
Drenched in cider,
A park bench,
Twatshire.

Dear Spoof

I was somewhat surprised and nonplussed a moment ago when I heard on the news that a double amputee paralympian had been expelled from the games.

A spokesperson for the Paralympics Federation said they binned him because he kept arsing about.

Ellis Ian Bummer
Mount Gay
Barbados

Dear Spoof

Speaking of silly consumer goods, I spotted a packet of 'Baboon's Arse' flavoured crisps this morning in the papershop.

Do I win five pounds?

Reginald Molehusband

Toxteth.

Dear Spoof,

In response to Mr Molehusbands letter. I am afraid he doesn't win a cash prize. It's not all doom and gloom though as he does win a lifetimes supply of 'Baboon's Arse' flavoured crisps.

Congratulations!

To claim your prize send me a cheque for twenty grand and I'll do the rest.

Fred Potato,
The Stupid Crisp Company.

Dear Spoof

I was lifting weights in the gym upstairs in my house earlier when my wife came home early from work and startled me by putting her head round the door and asking if I fancied something from the fish and chip shop tonight causing me to drop a 300lb barbell onto my chest which resulted in catastrophic trauma to my ribcage, heart, lungs and thymus.
Fortunately we both saw the funny side.

"Bummer" Ellis
L'Avenue De La Gayboy
Workington
Belgian Congo

Are you insured?





Mr Fong Ellistong
Rue de Camping
Mort

Dear Spoof

Is it just me, or are stroppy kids getting lippy with everybody these days? I ask because last night, on my way to the chippy, I stopped off in the Co-Op to get a few tinnies, and as I was waiting in the queue, this little shit standing behind me inferred to his two female companions that the unsavoury odour pervading the vicinity was emanating from my good self.

Upon turning and fixing the lippy little cunt with my very best thousand yard stare, he mumbled something about having had a bath earlier.

Did the idiotic fuckwit not realise that he came within an inch of having his fucking napper repeatedly smacked into the sauce shelf? By the fuck, it's a good job I'm a pacifist or the result may well have been emergency surgery.

Tommy Becket
Canterbury

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Quote: Skoob1999

Dear Spoof

Is it just me, or are stroppy kids getting lippy with everybody these days? I ask because last night, on my way to the chippy, I stopped off in the Co-Op to get a few tinnies, and as I was waiting in the queue, this little shit standing behind me inferred to his two female companions that the unsavoury odour pervading the vicinity was emanating from my good self.

Upon turning and fixing the lippy little cunt with my very best thousand yard stare, he mumbled something about having had a bath earlier.

Did the idiotic fuckwit not realise that he came within an inch of having his fucking napper repeatedly smacked into the sauce shelf? By the fuck, it's a good job I'm a pacifist or the result may well have been emergency surgery.

Tommy Becket
Canterbury

---

Dear Spoof,

Please inform Mr SKOOB that he is not alone in his rake of indolent teenage gits. I have a fifteen year old one living under my roof. He too, is lucky I am not so quick off the mark these days or Mummy would be bringing him round with the smelling salts. If I spoke to my father the way he orates to me, I would not be writing this now. Mort.

Chief Sittinonmehands
West Sussex

Dear Spoof,

Mr Becket's trouble with cheeky little bastards is an issue I am familiar with.

Only yesterday a couple of young scamps down my street took it upon themselves to destroy a computer chair that had been left out for the cuntcil to collect.

Retaliation was required for this wanton act of destruction.

Conveniently, I had an armchair that I was planning on getting rid of. Prior to sticking it outside I fitted a couple of super strength springs inside the chair in anticipation that the little pricks would attempt to use it as a trampoline.

I was right, they did use it as a trampoline. As they were bouncing up and down on it having a merry old time the super strength springs I fitted ripped through the lining and sliced off their arms just as I planned.

As the two scrotes were being loaded onto an ambulance me and the cops had a right good laugh about it.

Aaaah, happy days.

Neil Nutter,
Catapult Avenue,
Edinburgh,
Glasgow.

Dear Spoof

I knew a lippy little gobshite once. No idea what happened to him, because I was down the pub with my mates when he 'disappeared.'

Jimmy Hanley
Burton On Trent

Dear Spoof:

Have you any idea how Tommy Becket's head ache is doing?

Dooboys