Discussion Forum

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Quote: Jaggedone

Dear those who really run the Spoof,

I hereby declare my total solidarity with our ex-Colonel Juan in stating the fact that he never was, is or will be a RACIST! In fact he is exactly the opposite because in locking horns with this gentleman many times he always preached non-racial, non-homophobic, non-Muslim phobic philosophies, therefore to accuse him of being anything else than slightly weird (like the rest of us) is utter Cojones, si!

I demand that he be re-instated, given back all of his well earned points and taken off of The Hill because Sean Connery wasn't guilty either (The fat one was though).

Please, fellow spoofers, sign this petition, bung it under Marks nose and demand that our colonel returns to the front immediately.

Otherwise I'll personally charge the light brigade!!! Damn Turks!

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Am I missing something here?

He hasn't been banned, exiled, sent to the hill, is in detention nor taken the last lifeboat, as far as I can see, his profile is "alive and kicking", his stories are still there to read and he is still on the precious (to some) chart.

I do hope he is "alive and kicking" in the real world also, but maybe he has just decided to not partake of the forum, maybe he is on holiday, maybe his computer caught fire.....but I am sure he has not been banned for any alleged comment that may, or may not have been made in jest or may or not have been of a nature not conducive to normal social behaviour.

I have not read any comment on this forum that I would construe as having racial undertones nor have I read any comments that could be described as "flaming" nor "trolling" - I, as a relative newcomer and outsider read nothing more than opinions, though differing, interjected by very witty comments from an Irishman?

Dear Spoof

Could everything in the world perhaps be solved by a penalty shoot-out?

Russell Slade
Corner Flat
Brisbane Road
London

Dear Spoof,

As ever my old mate Radiogagger has resolved a world crisis.
Right, can we pick teams and register them in the next couple of days, no rush goalie and no swearing at the ref.

All team members must be no younger than 6 months and no older than 120yrs this is for health and safety reasons.

Teams must wear socks pulled up and no cod pieces to be thrown at opposing team members. competition will be this saturday at 3pm. Please bring a dictionary.

Arm xxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Spoof,

May I volunteer to take a penalty kick? High and to the left, that's the ticket. Never fails.

Aside from that, I have a dilemma. Should I change my forum avatar?

If I may explain - on my last night in sunny Barcelona, I elected to dress like a total tourist. I was wearing an Eric Cantona shirt, number 7 obviously, and a black straw trilby.

So I took a picture of meself issit.

From the back, like, on me laptop.

Problem is - even though mine's in colour, and it's really me, it might clash with Jaggy's avatar of the real Eric.

Who is much more interesting than I'll ever be.

Eric Cantona, I mean...he's fascinating.

Should I email the boss and ask him to change my avatar?

It would only be a temporary thing, but I enjoyed my evening as a numpty - until the wife kicked off when we were walking home past all those ladies of the night...

Should I change it? Or what?

Not that anybody cares.

Martin Shuttlecock
Titchfield.

Dear Skoobf,

RVP has now arrived, I am happy, but still nobody will ever be able to lick Mon Dieu's boots!

Mon Dieu Fan Club / Corsican Rebels

Dear Spoof

Who Moved My Cheese?

Albert Hall
London
SW7

PS. My cucumber is missing as well.

Dear Spoof

What a con these so called roll on/roll off ferries are!

Last week I traveled to Spain on The Star Of Bilbao and before boarding drank 15 cans of strong fizzy lager and then continued to drink heavily on board during the voyage so I could adhere strictly to the criteria laid down only to get arrested for being drunk and incapable the moment I disembarked and then spent the night being periodically beaten in the cells by members of the Guardia Civil.

Mick McAnus
12 to 1 Gangsta Approach
Major Irritant Trading Estate
Coal Hole New Town
Slathering.

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Quote: Skoob1999

Dear Spoof,

May I volunteer to take a penalty kick? High and to the left, that's the ticket. Never fails.

Aside from that, I have a dilemma. Should I change my forum avatar?

If I may explain - on my last night in sunny Barcelona, I elected to dress like a total tourist. I was wearing an Eric Cantona shirt, number 7 obviously, and a black straw trilby.

So I took a picture of meself issit.

From the back, like, on me laptop.

Problem is - even though mine's in colour, and it's really me, it might clash with Jaggy's avatar of the real Eric.

Who is much more interesting than I'll ever be.

Eric Cantona, I mean...he's fascinating.

Should I email the boss and ask him to change my avatar?

It would only be a temporary thing, but I enjoyed my evening as a numpty - until the wife kicked off when we were walking home past all those ladies of the night...

Should I change it? Or what?

Not that anybody cares.

Martin Shuttlecock
Titchfield.

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Darling Spoofer,

This season all football themes are in, I would go for the shirt and shorts myself but the lallies have let me down. Give the varda a bit of rouge and quaff the hair. Bright colours and lots of flair darling, go for it!

Pippa Pinelli
Lorraine Kelly's fashion Guru

Dear Spoof

31 Tomorrow. The hottest day of the year. Don't forget to buy your Magnums, Solero's and Calippo's.

Pippa Sparks
Traffic and Travel.
BBC London
Broadcasting House.

Dear Spoof

How are things in Glochamorra?

Martin Shuttlecock
Titchfield.

Dear Spoof,

this is my first ever post on the Dear Spoof thread.






I thought it would be more dramatic.... Something like... F*ckin fireworks or summing.

Dear Spoof,

There is nothing better than sitting infront of a log fire on a Saturday night, watching the All Blacks & Wallabies knock seven shades of shit out of each other. It's half time and the fridge beckons.

Sid

Dear Spoof,

Unfortunately, on this occasion, the All Blacks knocked eight shades of shit out of the Wallabies.

Yours

Jonah Lomu

Dear Spoof,

I would like to complain about the antipodean chap and his rude words that make my auntie Fanny faint with shock. After reading his post, we found her laying under the dog on the fire rug with her legs akimbo. Auntie is such a delicate soul she had to leave the slaughterhouse because her hands could no longer grip the meat cleaver. Since then, we do not know what to do with the old girl.


Mrs Fosset-Smyth-Fosset
possit Under Lint
Devon

Dear Spoof

I was going to write a hilarious, topical and insightful spoof entitled "South African Police Kill Everybody" using the nom de plume Cary Grunt but I don't think I'll bother now.

So ner ner ner ner ner!

The Incredible Sulk
27 Marvel Drive
Fantastic Four Council Estate
The Strand

Dear Spoof,

Please inform Mr Danton that we shall be complaining about his early morning doings. If this continues we will be forced to sell the hole in the ground and move else where.


Epilogue Futtock
The Green
Villiers Street
That London

Dear Spoof

Just a brief note to inform you that I have other things to do today. As much as I enjoy the cut and thrust of the scintillating banter conducted within the realms of this august publication, I can't afford to hang about eagerly anticipating my daily doses of Spoof wisdom.

Not me - there's tidying up to do, bins to be jetwashed, beer to be bought, food to be cooked, footy on the telly, rows with her indoors to be had, emails to answer, letters to write, and a pair of workboots to try on.

It's all go here!

Martin Shuttlecock
Titchfield.

Dear Spoof,
Kindly inform Herr Incredible Sulk on my behalf, that his foibles must be tended to immediately.

His record on writing hilarious, topical and insightful spoofs is being considered by the Mike Spilligan Appreciation Society Committee, for an award for their adoxography, and Confusethebuggers content.

In the event of his being awarded the treasured trilby prize, I will inform him in advance.

Also, please ask Señor Martin Shuttlecock, to consider the survival of the British real ale makers, by consuming excessive gigantic amounts of British Ale daily.

This will not aleviate the tidying up to do, bins to be jetwashed, food to be cooked, footy on the telly, rows with her indoors to be had, emails to answer, or letters to write - but he will not care if they get done or not!

Yours, on new tablets...

Bartholomew Utterwaithe
Mike Spilligan Appreciation Society Committee Caretaker
Benefits Office
Nottingham

Dear Spoof,

In response to the lovely Mr Utterthwaite, and with all due respect, it isn't the drink that's doing for me - it's the eggs.

Trouble is, I've become a miserable bastard since I was told by the doc that I have an egg allergy, because I'm also hopelessly addicted to eggs.

Having gone 'eggless' all week, I finally succumbed yesterday, and had an egg binge. A lovely fried egg sandwich for a midmorning snackypoo, and a four egg mushroom omelette for supper.

Although my GSOH appears to have temporarily resurfaced, the allergic reaction has brought me out in festering boils.

Just thinking of having an all day brekky full English...

I'll be eggbound tomorrow and no mistake.

Martin Shuttlecock
Titchfield.

Dear Spoof,

I am in a right mood.

I was just having an argument with my hamster about how big a rain drop would have to be to kill a person to death. I reckon a rain drop the size of a Seat Ibiza would do the job but the stupid hamster says a drop the size of Vanessa Feltz would suffice.

Could anyone settle this argument for me and the hamster. He is particularly keen to conclude our disagreement as he is already 3 years old and will probably die soon.

Thanks,
Terry Vision,
Twonk Place,
Kevin Pieterson Estate
Egoland (Near Legoland)

Dear Spoof,

With regard to Mr Saunders question on the size of raindrop required to kill someone, I can state categorically that the amount of water required would be 200 ltrs (Roughly 50 gallons for those not yet converted.)

The reason that I can state this with confidence, is that my late uncle Reg was killed outright buy that amount of water falling on him while he was purchasing a meat pie from a traveling fast food outlet one night outside of a high-rise block of flats in Stafford.

The precise measurement of the amount of water taken to kill him was due to it being contained in a 200ltr steel drum that was thrown from a 8th floor balcony.

Hope that this will ensure that both you and your hamster can continue your peaceful existence together.


Ronnie The Frog (Mrs)
Jesuslovesmeforasunbeam
Secure Unit #17
Rickmansworth.

Dear Spoof,

Sadly my hamster passed away before I could let him know the rain drop death answer. Ironically, my hamster appears to have drowned in his little water bowl. Still, he'd probably of snuffed it soon anyway.

RIP Sweeney the Hamster.

Yours,
Terry Vision

Dear Spoof

Please convey my sincere and heartfelt condolences to Mr Vision over the recent tragic demise of his hamster.

I have some empathy, as when I was a schoolboy I had an Australian white rabbit named Lesley who also drowned herself in her water pot.

Mind you, she was a dozy bitch. She once had seven baby rabbits and sat on them one by one until they were dead.

I quite like rabbits, but wouldn't advise letting the little bastards roam free around the house while you're minding them until Christmas morning, when they will be presented to the grandkids as 'responsible' Christmas gifts.

It took hours to clean up the shit and piss and the smell lingered for days.

PS - Where did everybody go?

Baffled and lost in space.

Skoob.

Dear Spoof,

You wont believe what I've just done. I was just putting some cutlery away and noticed I had put the forks where the knives are supposed to be and vice-versa.

I think I'm going mad.

Does anyone else have any crazy anecdotes? They dont have to be kitchen utensil related antics although I'm sure you'll agree that mine was a zinger.

Maurice Sad-Twat,
Clibby Crescent,
Leicester,
Iran

Dear Spoof,

Please inform Mr Sad-Twat that he is not alone. One of our members put thier socks in the pant draw and the pants in the sock draw. It is an illness that little is know about.
Professor Inchcock of the Spume society has written a page on the subject but forgot to use paper. He was left with a wet patch of ink on his desk. Please write to us with any further episodes and we may be able to have you certified.

Best regards

Hienrich Von Getchler
The Mong brain centre
Oxford