Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof

I strongly urge all members of the broadcast media to show their complete lack of xenophobia when reporting global disasters such as earthquakes by emphasising that a certain number of British people may have been victims and completely ignoring the thousands of dead or badly mangled, no mark foreign fucks lying strewn in the rubble.

Maisy Syphilis
Reading
Berks

Dear Spoof

We call our downstairs WC the thunderclap gas chamber. Do any other spoofers have equally unamusing names for their second toilets?

Erica Bonk
Ferkham-Tillet
Herts.

You really oughtn't to put the feather duster in, in the first place.

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Quote: Skoob1999

Dear Spoof

The wife comes home today, so I'll be busy cleaning up 2,000 or so empty beer cans, a few hundred fag butts and my DVD collection of Asian porn. Also, I'll have to run the hoover round, do the washing up, and get the feather duster out. If anyone feels like giving me a hand, just drop in.

Regards

Skoob.

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We call ours too but it never comes - perhaps a name would make the difference. Loo-is, Loo-ise, Water -loo? I think it will have to been plain 'John'

Oliver Tremble
'The Klingons'
Janet Street
Portalooville
Hampshire

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Quote: Skoob1999

Dear Spoof

We call our downstairs WC the thunderclap gas chamber. Do any other spoofers have equally unamusing names for their second toilets?

Erica Bonk
Ferkham-Tillet
Herts.

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Dear Spoof,

In answer to Mr SKOOBS letter RE; Toilets and their names, may I point out, that We, as a family, have named ours, Brownie since 1899.

Sincerely

Mrs Fecal O'Compaction
The Tolet Set
Dunny On The Wold
Yorks

Dear Spoof

I'd like to nominate Mr Armfeetandtoe as ATTIC DWELLING TENANT OF THE YEAR. Not only is Arm - as we affectionately call him - a model tenant, and almost one of the family, he also has an amazing rapport with the snow leopard and the fruit bats. If there are no gongs available, I'm sure he'd settle for a nice steak and kidney pie.

Martin Shuttlecock.

Titchfield.

Dear Spoof,
My toiletski was known as "The Ice Box".

Since I've been on the very effective Furosemide water tablets, it has become known as: "Ohhh... arghh!... made it this time, thank heavens!"

Inch

Dear Spoof

I have managed to create all the thrills and spills of being a Formula 1 driver by donning flameproof underwear, gloves, helmet and overalls before playing with my Scalextric model racing car set.

For added authenticity whenever I send one of my cars spinning off the track I get my wife to set fire to my overalls and smash me over the head with a frying pan.

Teddy Vulva
Papua New Guinea

Dear Spoof

Given the current dramatic developments on the high seas and the rather comical exploits of the Italian Captain Courageous I find it inexplicable that not one of the tabloids have gone with the headline "Wanker's Away!"

I know I have in The Huffington Post and as a result fully expect to be banned again or at best given a written reprimand by some humourless dick with an Italian granny.

Clivey Dee
Shit Creek

Dear Spoof,

Mr Boris Johnson has decided to build a new airport on the Thames Estuary, has no one told him that airplanes do not float? Except float planes of course. Which only float on water not estuarys. When will the Lord Major of London get it right! I for one, will never use an airport that uses eatuarys for its runways.


Mrs Genderflok Hoomper
The Naddies
Bumpy on the Bimple
Worcs

Dear Spoof

Single men. Simulate the experience of married life by emitting a high pitched whining sound during Match Of The Day.

For added authenticity dangerously over inflate a blow up doll, smear the mouth with cream from an eclair, spray the genital area with halibut oil, avoid fellatio from the honeymoon onwards and leave it stretched out on the sofa while you go to work.

Gus Kidney-Disorder
Tunisia

Dear Spoof,

I'd like to complain about the acrasial, aretaloger's, and empleomanian Members of Parliament, who between their moments of exsibikation, rarely find the time to consult and communicate with the slubberdegullion voters.

They should speak more plainly and honestly.

Mohamed Pedro Kuzmanovic. MSci
Flat 14a
Rioters Lane
Benefit Row
Nottingham

Dear Spoof,

I would like to complain about the use of shaving foam when having genitals shaved in NHS hospitals. I remember the days when they used a brush and larther bowl, much more dignified and it gave me the horn.


Mr Septum Scrootum
The Heppis
Little Mokneyfest
Glous.

Dear Spoof

Pretend you're on the Kop at Anfield by adopting a shrill voice and pissing up the back of the sofa.

Mickey McWhack

Loonypool.

Dear Spoof

I'd like to protest about surgeons who slap your bollocks when you've not long had a vasectomy. Leaving you gripping the bedframe and trying vainly to headbutt the bastards.

It seems like there's one law for surgeons and another law for chartered accountants.

Or something.

Martin Shuttlecock

Novosibirsk, Siberia.

Dear Spoof,

I would like to complain about the way Chartered Accountants examine your books after you have had major wallet surgery. Who do they think they are, Accountants?


Yours faithfully

Mr simion Porterhouse-Blue-Steakhouse

Xmaster vangbong

Glasgow

Dear Spoof.

Are you suffering from that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and washing your hands hundreds of times a day?

Simply contract irritable bowel syndrome to make it all worth while.

Desmond Tool
Fife

Dear Spoof,

I am fed up with people stopping me in the street and telling me my name. If I want to walk round my neighbourhood wearing a 6'x6' name badge shouting at the top of my voice;
"Who the fuck am I!!" Thats my business.

Mr Openhiem Lertop

Knuckle Turn
Angle on the Bow
Portsmouth

Dear Spoof

Last night I was playing some old Beatles tracks when Free As A Bird came on. Imagine my annoyance when my pet budgie failed to see the irony of it all.

Harry Asthma
Bromley By Bow

Dear Spoof,

I would like to complain about Mr Clive Danton and his loud music. He played Beatles records so loud, our Budgie began dancing and banging on his cage. We listen to The Byrds, which he likes, and the Eagles.


Yours Patiently

Wallice Simpson
Le Mare De Mare
Nonde plume
France

Dear Spoof

I wonder if you'd mind pointing out to Mr Armandhammer-Gently-Corrective-Maternity-Dental-Acid that during the above post he said....."banging"

George Belgian-Chap
Madagascar

Dear Spoof

I'd like to complain in the strongest possible terms about the ridiculous inaccuracy of The Spoof clock.

Yesterday I found myself eating my breakfast at 2.15am and then got my morning erection at 4.30 pm at the bus stop on the way home from work.

Clivey Dee
Prison

Dear Spoof,

I would like to complain about the way Mr Clive Danton, and the ability he has to make me fall about with laughter.
His latest letter had me choking on my tea. In the past, I have spat food over the Great Dane, fell off the chair, banged my head, and been caught wanking by my wife, which is nothing to do with his mirth, but I thought I would mention it in case he tries to blackmail me.


Yours Bulooning

Shiplack Longitude

East Mungion
Fyffe

Dear Spoof

Tell that Danton fellow to take off his hat and prove to us all that he has Attila the Hun's poney tail.

Dear Spoof,

That Clive Danton, Spoofer and Wicker bottom chair repairer, is far too witty for my liking.

He always comes up with something cleverly written, suave, indicative, cutting, humorous, or popular - he makes me sick, jealous, and incapable.

Amongst anagrams of his name, are:

A cloven dint
Devil Cannot
A convent lid
Vile Don cant
Coven lad nit
Devil cant no
Evict on land
Naive con Ltd
Nonce laid tv
Into venal CD
It lent van.co
Devil cannot

Which is your favourite?

He may be better looking than me, richer, happier, fitter, wiser, cleverer, taller, more educated, have a job, have a family, not wear two hearing aids, and be attractive to the opposite sex, but was he trained as a Gas lamp lighter/dimmer operator in his local cinema in 1962? Eh?

(Mind you, I'm glad he's joined us at the Spoof really!)

Inchcockum